Tag Archives: career woman

Life Cycle of a SIW

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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For as long as I can remember, nearly everyone in a position of authority has advised me and other women of my generation and those who followed to craft a life as a “strong independent woman” or SIW rather than to follow a traditional path of marriage young and for life.

In theory, being a SIW frees a woman from the oppression and control of a life dependent upon a man. With her own education, career, money, and independent nature she can conquer the world on her own terms, thank you very much! Such a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, it was once said.

I know a women who is now in her early 60s who has followed the SIW path, an early adopter of sorts, and her story in many ways exemplifies the life cycle of a SIW.

In her youth she did marry to a charismatic “bad boy” and had two sons, only to find out a few years into the marriage that bad boys don’t change and when he tired of her, off he went leaving her alone to raise their two children. Back in those days mandatory child support and other things were not in place, so she was truly on her own.

She’s highly talented and so she channelled her energy into becoming one of the top interior designers in our area. She is yet quite a looker, so I can only imagine her in her youth. Doors opened thanks to her charming smile and crafty ways. She was on top of the world, at one point not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 a day in her early 40s. Life was easy. The richest people in the area courted her skills.

Then for reasons she has never fully explained, she decided to move to a South American country on a whim, thinking she could just take her talents and abilities along, recreating her highly successful career wherever she went.

For ten years she held onto that dream (and/or perhaps another bad boy relationship she’s never admitted to) that never materialized. In fact it only went from bad to worse as the years marched on. I followed her tales of struggle on Facebook, and even sent her money a few times when she was so desperately poor she didn’t even have food to eat.

She’s never outright said so, but she’s hinted heavily that she even turned to prostitution as a means of survival during those days. But what she didn’t realize was that even though her looks had always opened doors for her with men, other stars were rising as hers faded, and her ability to get men to do whatever she wanted whenever she needed was fading with it.

Two years ago, when she neared her 60th birthday she finally had to give up and moved back to the United States. She lives with her adult son and struggles to find even the minimum of work in the field she used to own outright. In her absence, other designers moved in, and now they are the talk of the town while those who used to vie for her attention barely remember her name. In addition, she does not have the ability  (or desire) to work long hours like she once did.

Her options are limited, and she knows she exists only on the good graces of her son and his family. But it is precarious, as his own marriage is under duress and his wife resents having the additional dependent, even if she cooks, cleans, and watches the kids. Her sons are not that bonded to their mother either, resenting how she often put her own life before theirs during their childhood, partly out of economic necessity but also out of her self-absorbed need to be the best of the best, admired by all.

She realizes now what she did not in her youth — being a SIW might be a whirlwind prior to age 40 or so, but the plan falls apart as a woman enters her golden years. Thinking the party would never end and that she could always support herself, she didn’t bother to save for retirement or plan for the years when she will not be able to work.

Prior to age 40 or so, she had many wealthy men who wished to marry her, in addition to many admiring lovers, but she turned them away not wanting to be “tied down.” Today, her chances of finding a husband willing to make up for her complete lack of assets at this point is slim, and even if she could find such a man, she’s so used to being alone I am not sure she could even make the transition from SIW to wife at this point.

In many ways, hers is a modern day version of the famed courtesans of the belle epoch period in France. Committed to no man, but lover of many, they also found the party came to an abrupt end with age, and many of those who once ruled the social scene and were quite sought after, pampered, and spoiled by their admirers often ended up destitute, alone, and abandoned in the end.

So beware, ladies, the siren call of the SIW life. Nothing is free, and there is always a price to pay for coloring outside the lines. Far better to find a good man early in life, commit to him, raise children, build a life together, and live out your golden years safely surrounded by the stable family and life you and your partner have built. Women who do so end their lives as the venerated crown jewel of their family, the adored matriarch.

Perhaps it lacks to dramatic highs and lows of the SIW life cycle, but as my friend would be the first to admit, better than facing a precarious crash landing just when one needs stability the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

Do You Have Superwoman Syndrome?

25 Sunday Oct 2015

Posted by in Fempire

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If like me, you were raised to be a good little feminist, you may have what I have come to call “Superwoman Syndrome.” As a child you were told to be all you can be, and while on the surface that sounds good, the truth is the attempt to be and have it all can turn you into a burned out, workaholic who puts family and a personal life last in the attempt to live up to the Superwoman myth.

In many ways, I see feminism as the female version of the blue pill, the “pretty little lies” women have been told will lead toward a happy, successful life. Like the supplicating beta male, trying to “be nice, then be even nicer!” the female blue pill tells a woman that she should work harder, achieve more, that job title and status, “just like a man” are the path to success.

And of course if a woman tries to live that life script and finds it lacking, feminism blames her. She’s not trying hard enough, she has to try harder! She has to be more powerful, more independent, more strong because after all she is a victim of oppression and a failure if she doesn’t.

So she goes to college, starts her career, puts off marriage and family in the quest to climb the corporate ladder. If she does marry and have kids, she’s told to put her family last, to put herself first, and to let someone else do the “menial” tasks like raising children and keeping house. After all, those are things ANY woman could do, right? Why waste her potential?

So she either finds herself married with children and a husband that she barely sees or when she does she’s so darn worn out she’s just going through the motions. Or she puts off marriage and kids only to find that when she’s “ready” at age 35, she’s facing a much smaller dating pool than she would have in her early 20s, and unlike then, now she feels like she has to decide quick, maybe making concessions she would not have otherwise that lead to a “meh” at best and unhappy at worst marriage. Or maybe she doesn’t settle only to find she can’t find anyone at all, or at least not anyone who wants to marry her although they may want to sleep with her.

At this point such women either just furiously keep trying to work the broken script or they realize, perhaps too late, that they played their hand all wrong. Now what? There are no easy answers. You can’t turn back time and redo things over, and for many the path to the corner office turns out to be a lot less satisfying than it was supposed to be. Or she’s finding her employment options becoming more limited with age, as she competes with ever younger workers who are willing to do her job for less. The corporate world, she may find, will never love or care for her like a family would, she’s entirely disposable. In her youth focusing on herself may have been enough, but with age she feels the loneliness and disconnection from anything of true meaning or legacy more and more as the meaning and security her job and career were supposed to provide becomes more and more precarious.

It takes a lot of guts and insight for someone with Superwoman Syndrome to admit it’s not working out, that change is needed. However it is the only hope she has of ever getting from where she is to where she would rather be. The process can be filled with feelings of betrayal, anger, bitterness, and blame. After all she did everything society told her to do, and it didn’t work, not because she didn’t try, but because nobody told her it was a big social experiment and she was the guinea pig, a test case.

In time the anger fades and life moves on. She starts to rediscover what it means to be a women, to be female, to be feminine. She learns there is strength in weakness, in letting go of control, of following rather than leading. She learns being a womanly woman doesn’t make her “less” but makes her more. She learns no job or career will ever be as satisfying or stable or secure as a loving family. She learns a woman’s greatest achievement is not her own, but to nurture great achievement in others which in turn is her shared triumph and achievement.

If you find that it’s just not working to “be it all and do it all,” consider taking off the cape, humbling your pride, admitting that maybe independence is not the path after all, and learning how to be interdependent or even (gasp!) dependent.

There’s freedom in letting go.

Let those who have ears hear.

The More Kids, The Better?!?!?

30 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Last night I had a friend, her two daughters, and her two nieces over for a BBQ and I realized something very strange — somehow six kids are a lot easier than two!

Let me explain, I have a 10-year-old and a 4-year-old. She has a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old. Her sister-in-law’s kids are 7 and 4. So just by chance, for once, everyone had a playmate! And so play they did, not one bit of whining, complaining, or “I’m bored” to be heard, for hours. But there was a lot of happy little girl ear piercing screeching, laughter, and frivolity!

My friend and I got to simply sit and relax, a rare occasion for us both. That’s when it struck me — more kids are somehow easier than few.

My babysitter, who I have talked about before, is part of a very traditional old Scandinavian religious group similar to Amish. The women do not practice birth control, as a result a child arrives every year or so once they marry until they can’t have any more. Every child is considered a blessing. Families are large, 13 children is not unusual.

For these women, life is basically one big play date. They get together, visit, and their children happily run about. Last night I understood why these women are all pretty happy and content, their children are exceedingly well behaved, and how and why it works.

I was sharing this observation with a friend who is more of a math and science type. As he put it, what I was experiencing was called chaos theory — a complex system that organizes itself.

So on those days when your children are on our last nerve, try adding on a few more! It works shockingly well.  Short of that, head for a park or somewhere there will be other children around, bring a book, and enjoy the peace and quiet for a change!

Let those who have ears hear.

(And for those tough parenting moments where you just need a good laugh, I highly recommend this blog, Underdaddy. You will be howling in laughter about the absurdity of having children in no time, guaranteed! Enjoy!)

There Is Always A Downside

16 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Something I have come to realize with age is that in almost every situation, there is a downside.

There is a downside to being in a relationship, there is a downside to being alone. There is a downside to being married, there is a downside to being single. There is a downside to getting divorced, there is a downside to staying married. There is a downside of going to college, there is a downside of not going to college. There is a downside to having kids, there is a downside to not having kids. There is a downside of working, there is a downside of not working. There is a downside to being rich, there is a downside to being poor, and there is even a downside of being somewhere in the middle of rich and poor.

Darn, there’s always a downside? Well that stinks, right? Yes and no. It only stinks if you are under the illusion that there can be no downside. In our society that seems to be the expectation. Or the belief that a downside is “a sign” that it’s time to make a change, usually the opposite of whatever the situation causing the downside may be.

However, these changes are often made in reaction to the downside, without consideration to the downsides of doing something else, instead. Far too often people see change as the solution to a downside, but they do not consider nearly enough what the downside to whatever their new path may be. Once on it, the downsides become apparent and the dissatisfaction and desire to eliminate the downside sets in once again.

I call it the “if only’s.” If only I was married/single/divorced/had kids/didn’t have kids/had a degree/didn’t have a degree/worked/didn’t work/was rich and so on. If only, if only, if only…then I could be happy!

That’s where the option of acceptance and gratitude comes in, something people don’t seem to consider nearly as often as they consider radical change. Accepting that there is always going to be a downside can be actually very freeing. And it can help one make better choices, find contentment, and even be happier.

And of course sometimes the downsides of not making a change are greater than the downsides of doing different. Once all sides are considered, maybe change really is what is needed. In those cases, considering in advance the downside of all options can help make those choices easier. It’s not change that’s bad, it’s the overly idealistic idea that change will lead to a life without downsides. Well, it won’t. That doesn’t mean life can’t be better. But there will always still be downsides. Sorry.

Of course, the good news here is that also means there are likewise always upsides of every situation. And if the downside and upsides are also considered in tandem before making major changes, sometimes just considering the upsides can help one realize things are actually more good than bad. I think that in the majority of cases in life, this is true. And studies show that simply focusing on the upsides in life, rather than the downsides, leads to much greater life satisfaction no matter what the situation might be.

So when you find yourself focusing on the downside, telling yourself, “if only” things were different, then you would be happy/fulfilled/content/whole/etc. try looking at the upside as well as the possible downsides of that “if only.” Chances are good you are likely to discover all things considered, it’s not so bad after all. And if so, focusing more on the upside and less on the “if only” might be the best solution of all.

For where your focus is, there your heart will be also.

Let those who have ears hear.

Embrace Your (True) Girl Power!

01 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by in Fempire

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Over the past few years, I have been exploring the meaning of being female in a post-feminist world. And I have come to a very surprising (even to myself!) realization about “girl power” — it seems to mean the exact opposite of what I had always been led to believe.

Let me explain. I was raised in a world where “girl power” was defined as “doing what men do.” And I did. I took auto shop and woodworking classes in high school (along with only two other girls in each class), went to college, got a career, made good money, supported myself, started a business, and more.

I was opening doors, and for myself, thank you very much! I avoided things traditionally considered “feminine.” I wore unisex clothing like jeans and t-shirts, avoided “the domestic arts,” shunned girly-primping, wore flats, and told myself that I would, “be taken more seriously” for it.

Was I taken seriously? Actually I was, but not because I did my best to avoid anything “female” related. I was taken seriously because I did what I love and have followed my passions and put my heart and soul into everything that I did.

Well almost. I cringe to say, but I did not put my heart and soul into my marriage. Rather than be a wife in the traditional sense, I strove to emulate the supposed “marriage of equals.”

Long story short, that didn’t work out so well. For either of us. And I regret it. Not that it was all me, but if I am honest a part of it was. At least half. But what is done is done, that’s 7-plus years of water under the bridge now.

A few years ago I started looking at my life and wondering what had led me to the place where I found myself. I had executed the feminist script to perfection. But despite being practically the “single independent woman” poster child, I found the end results to be lacking. I was lonely. I didn’t “get it” when it came to relationships.

And so while exploring this angst, I stumbled across the red pill. As I read blogs and message boards populated mostly with men talking about men and women and relationships, I was shocked to learn men weren’t happy with this brave new world, either.

They encouraged each other to explore what it means to be masculine, to be a man, to do things men traditionally liked to do. This made me wonder, what would happen if I did the same, explored what it meant to be feminine?

So I did. And the results have been pleasantly surprising! Rather than find it drudgery and oppressive, I found that I like pulling an amazing loaf of fresh baked bread out of the oven, and that folding fresh, warm laundry can be surprisingly sensual. I’ve been potting up flower baskets and fluffing up my nest ever since.

While I have a ways to go, I have to say an increasingly neat and orderly home is a big improvement over my formerly half-assed, last ditch, and cluttered surroundings. Oddly, I have found the more beautiful I make it, the happier myself and my children are getting. And it’s been more sweat equity than shopping spree — I have found it doesn’t have to be expensive to create a home that provides cozy refuge from the world. It’s a work in progress but I am slowly editing room-by-room, getting rid of “stuff” and keeping only what I truly love. My girls are loving it, too!

I’ve also been playing with the traditionally feminine spheres of beauty and fashion. Again, this has all been on a budget, but with some creativity and a few great consignment shops, I’ve replaced much of the jeans and t-shirt wardrobe with flattering, feminine attire. I still have jeans and t-shirts, but now they emphasize (modestly and tastefully) my female form rather than disguise it. I wear skirts a lot more. I even ordered a pair of strappy summer sandals with (gasp!) heels. I got some shimmery make up and learned some new techniques for applying make up via online videos, and I have been painting my finger and toe nails, too!

Along the way I have redefined the meaning of “girl power.” I have been shocked to discover I find more joy in embracing my feminine side than I ever did trying to act more like a man than a woman. And yes, I am still taken seriously, maybe even more so!

To trying to be a man, I simply say, “Pfffft.” I’ll take the shimmer, and flounce, and channeling my energy into making my surroundings beautiful for me and mine over trying to be more like a man any day!

What do you think? Should we redefine the meaning of “girl power” to mean reveling in the power of femininity? Or is it better for women to act just like men?

Can Women Have It All?

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Fempire

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This highly recommended post by another blogger on the concept of having it all got me thinking about how women in particular have been sold the “have it all” message over the past few decades.

You know the one — today’s woman can get a great education, have a interesting and fulfilling career, have an amazing relationship, raise a family, have a magazine worthy home and garden, be beautiful, make time for all her hobbies and interests, travel the world, live her dreams, and reach for the stars?

And the truth is a woman today can have (within reason) any of those things. Women today have more options than ever before. But something I have almost never hear anyone say is a woman can’t have ALL of those things at the same time. And that it’s OK, even sanity itself, not to try to.

Yep, that’s right. The problem might be that life is a smorgasbord of abundance. There’s too many good things to have and not enough room or time or resources  to have them all. Or at least not on a quality level, although many women are burning themselves out trying. That’s the good news and the bad news, at the same time.

For example, I have three dear friends who put their time and energies into their educations and careers during their 20s and 30s. They all have Master’s degrees from top schools, and all have had successful and interesting careers, all hold high level positions for companies that are household names.

At the age of 38 or so, all decided it was “time to have kids.” Unfortunately, although each of these women were ready to be excellent mothers, and they all had met and married awesome men ready to be fathers, none of them were able to get pregnant even with the aid of all the infertility treatments science had to offer.

For each, it was a crushing blow. Used to being in control of their worlds, they assumed that like scheduling their week or a project, when they decided they were ready to have a baby, it would happen. The idea that there might be a cost of delaying pregnancy until they were ready versus having a baby when their bodies were most biologically ready — and that the cost might be not being able to get pregnant — had never seriously entered their minds. And with all of the celebrities having babies at 40 and even 50 years old, at 38 none of them had even considered that they might be starting too late.

One, now 53, gave up her career and is now a stay-at-home mom with two adopted children. One, now 45, has made peace with not having kids and puts her energy and time into helping other people’s children through her career. The third, now 39, is gearing down her career while still undergoing infertility treatment, and my fingers are crossed for her.

Now there is no way to know if they would have struggled just as much to get pregnant earlier in life, and I am in no way trying to imply that it was some kind of karmic retribution for choosing to get and education and pursue a career. It’s simply that Americans, and especially American women, have been led to believe that having it all, all at once, and on demand, is possible — when often it’s not. And this pretty little lie leads to much unnecessary strife and unhappiness.

The same could be said for a woman choosing to marry and start a family very young. What are the chances of her also pursuing higher education, establishing a successful career, and having time for all her hobbies and interests without her (and her family) paying that price in some way their time and quality of relationships?

The dirty little secret is the grass just looks greener. The young mother at home with the kids may envy her friends who have an exciting career, just as her friend who has a career but can’t have a child may envy the young stay-at-home mother. The woman who has children and a career may envy both those who have more time for their career because they don’t have children and the woman who has more time for her children because she doesn’t have a career.

When you think about it, every decision from as small as how to spend an hour to as big as if and when to try to have a baby, means a trade off in some other way.

And it’s not just women who face this. Men, too, have to and have always had to make choices between career, time with family, hobbies and interests, etc. It’s an illusion that men have somehow had the golden ticket in life, and that they were having it at the expense of women. Nobody has the golden ticket. There is no golden ticket. Everyone only has so many options, no matter their sex, age, income level, education, or other factors.

Ironically there is a solution to this situation, and again it involves realizing it’s a choice. But rather than choosing to want and try to have it all, ironically it means choosing NOT to. It is in choosing to give up some things in order to have other things that are more important and making peace with making those choices and trade offs that an abundant quality life lies. And also to accept that in everything there is a season, and having one thing might mean waiting to — or even never having — another. And not just realizing this, but being truly OK with it.

I personally struggle with this concept. I constantly beat myself up internally for not doing and being it all, for not somehow squeezing 48 hours of stuff into a 24 hour window. And trust me, I have tried. Pretty much daily. For years. That trying has come at great personal cost to myself, and others.

Nor if I am honest can I say I have been able to enjoy “having” it all, even as I was (and still am) furiously, frantically, and barely juggling it. I now realize that although there is always room for self-improvement, it wasn’t because I’m not trying hard enough or wanting it bad enough, it’s because I was and still am trying to do and have too much at once!

So in the spirit of resolutions and all of that, in 2015 I am going to make time for what’s most important and make peace with giving up some of what’s really not, without feeling like that trade off is some kind of failure. If you also struggle with this concept, I hope you will join me.

Sometimes less really is more. And sometimes more is actually less.

Let those who have ears hear.

Rediscovering the Goddess of the Hearth

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by in Fempire

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As I have mentioned before, I was raised to be a modern career woman, not a wife. And now that I am engaged to a man whose house is spotlessly clean while mine is barely controlled chaos, I realize I have some personal growth to do in the area of domestic skills.

I knew this day would come. Months before we met, I cringed when I first read this blog post telling girls if they want to attract a life partner, they should really clean up their house and car. I knew it was true.

Granted, as my fiance will so generously point out, he doesn’t have two young children living with him. That makes keeping house a lot easier. But even so, I have to admit I may be able to run a business but when it comes to running a home, I am “domestically challenged.”

When we started dating, I was afraid that he would run away screaming the first time he stepped into my place. It’s not dirty exactly, it’s just like the junk drawer exploded, then then multiplied. There’s simply too much “stuff.” My personal demons seem to be mail, laundry, and toys. They are everywhere.

I avoided it as long as I could. But eventually, the day came for the big reveal. Luckily he did not run. However he did say, very nicely, a few weeks later that he’d been thinking about it and decided if we were ever going to live together, we’d have to live, “more his way than mine.” And he made it clear that while he didn’t mind pitching in, he was happy to help,  he wasn’t going to do it all.

And he’s right. I am 43 years old and I don’t know how to keep house. But it’s high time I learn.

Luckily with a few Google searches I was able to locate exactly what I needed, a day by day, week by week, month by month list of things to do. It seems so simple when it’s broken down this way.  This I can do. Thank goodness for the Internet!

I am so glad that I have found a man who loves me and understands me and yet also challenges me to grow. (He just walked in as I am writing, I told him this, and he chuckled good-naturedly. He said I am challenging him to grow, too — in patience! Lol.)

One thing I love about this man is that he gets we all have weak spots and this one is mine. I am painfully self aware of it already. So I appreciate that he didn’t shame me, or bash me, or insult me. He just set the expectation and left it up to me to choose to rise to the occasion (or not).

Things are already starting to shape up and you know what? I love it! Being surrounded by clutter and “stuff” is draining and demoralizing. I have been going room my room and getting things in order and now when I walk into those rooms, it is like a sigh of relief. It makes me want to tackle the next room, and then the next. The kids love it too, and I plan to help them learn right along with me.

Together we are dreaming and clipping out images of interior designs we love, and he is busy planning the remodel. It will be a fresh start. My house will become “our” house. (Meanwhile he’s debating between selling his house or renting it. Either way all he would have to do is put up a sign, it’s already “show” ready. Cute as a button, it will be rented or sold in a flash.)

As we move toward that day, this year, I plan to go on a journey to rediscover the Goddess of the Hearth. In a post feminist world, she’s been lost in the shuffle. I realize I have missed her, I long for her, I need her, she’s my missing element. I want her to help me build a nest that is cozy and warm and a place of sanctuary for myself and my family.

How about you? If you are missing her too, join me! Court the Goddess of the Hearth in 2015. A beautiful, orderly, nurturing home awaits.

“Turn away from the world this year and begin to listen. Listen to the whispers of your heart. Look within. Your silent companion has lit lanterns of love to illuminate the path to Wholeness. At long last, the journey you were destined to take has begun.”
― Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy

Let those who have ears hear.

Is a Woman’s Work Ever Done?

02 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Fempire

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In the early 1980s there was a perfume called “Enjoli” that was sold as capturing the essence of the post-feminist “modern woman” in a bottle. The commercial’s jingle went like this:

I can bring home the bacon

Fry it up in a pan

And never ever ever let you

forget you’re a man

Cause I’m a wooooman, Enjoli!

(And it continues so if you like, you can watch the whole commercial here. My apologies to readers who now can’t get the jingle out of their heads.)

Yep, she lived life to the fullest, she was the 24/7 woman. She could have a career, keep house, entice her man, read the kids a bedtime story while her man made dinner, and then they would hop in the sack and finish off the perfect day with some hot sex.

I was thinking back on this commercial over the weekend while I felt myself trying to keep up with this “have it all” lifestyle expectation and feeling like a miserable failure as it was one step from chaos collapse on all fronts. And once again was wondering is it just me who can’t cut it, or does any woman really “have it all?”

It brought to mind a trip I made to China and Hong Kong when I was around 27 years old. I traveled with my mom’s twin sister and her husband, who was born in China and raised in Hong Kong (they married when he was in the U.S. to go to college).

Thanks to my uncle, I got to see life in Hong Kong and China “from the inside” as we were welcomed guests into many of his family and friend’s homes.

Now at that time Hong Kong had only recently been handed back over to China by the British and the two cultures had not yet commingled much. Hong Kong was uber modern, densely packed, and it seemed like everyone worked 12+ hour days. I thought I had seen capitalism in the United States, but it paled in comparison to the capitalism that was Hong Kong. It was an island with seemingly one purpose — money, money, money.

One woman who was married to a good friend of my uncle had us over for dinner. She was a career woman, and like most households in Hong Kong, they had live in Philippine housekeepers. This woman was calm, collected, and stylish. Their apartment was impeccably furnished and had an amazing view of the city and the bay of Hong Kong.  At one point during the evening she turned to me, looking somewhat aghast, and said, “How do American women do it?”

Confused, and worried this was another curious interrogation about Monika Lewinski, I stammered something along the lines of, “Do what?”

“Why have a career and keep a house, too?” she responded. “How could anyone possibly think they could DO both?”

It was the first time I had ever heard anyone ask that question. The discussion went on and we came to the conclusion that it was the labor laws and minimum wage that made it impossible for American women who were not in the upper class to have live in help. Yet, I realized, we were still expected to perform somehow as if we did. Interesting.

In China, we visited my uncle’s youngest sister, born to his father’s second wife and secretly raised by her mother and supported by their father in China unbeknown to the rest of the family until his father’s death. (Multiple wives were not that uncommon in China just a generation before, and so my uncle’s mother and he and his siblings embraced her as their sister and they are now one big happy family, including the two wives!)

I got the feeling that this sister had lived a more privileged life than the average Chinese girl. She was well educated and had married a star of the Bejing Opera (Sort of the equivalent to a rock star in the United States.) She had been a career girl before she married but stopped working when she married. Her husband was away traveling, but we visited her, her mother, and the sister’s cute as a button one year old son. Also there was her live in nanny/housekeeper, a young girl from a poor rural village.

As the sister excitedly entertained us with stories of her life, her mother and housekeeper prepared and served us a wonderful tea. The baby sat with his mother when he was happy and content, but the minute he was hungry or fussy or dirty he was whisked away by grandma or the nanny, only to return when he was happy and content again.

The sister looked at me (I did not have children at that time) and remarked quite dramatically, “How could a woman possibly take care of more than ONE child? I am exhausted!”

Again, I did not know what to reply. Few American women had anywhere near the round-the-clock and live in type of support this “exhausted” young mother had.

These two moments from years ago came back to me this weekend, as I felt incredibly stretched trying to run my business during one of the busiest three day tourist weekends of the year, then scrambled about each morning trying to find some clean clothes and did load after load of dishes each night. I went out to eat twice with my new beau and tried my best to be alert and attentive even though what I really wanted to do was hide from the world and sleep. Great guy that he is, he completely understood (and even unloaded the dishwasher).

All weekend that stupid Enjoli jingle kept going through my head, mocking me for not being able to do it all and be it all while smiling and looking breezy.

But today I am starting to wonder, is it really me? Do I just “not get it?” Or is it just impossible? Can a woman really have it all, without paying someone else to do part of what women’s work used to be?

Born in the early 1970-s, I’ve never known a life where I wasn’t expected to get a education, have a career, do and be it all. In many ways I am the Enjoli woman, all grown up. And quite frankly, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I am just going to say it, based on my experience and the frenzied lives of women around me who have tried to follow the same path, what a crock! Where do I get the last 20 years back?

Or maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Is the empowered and fulfilled post-modern feminist reality, or was it a myth all along? Or was it maybe, in America anyway, only reality for the few women born into a class who could afford live in help to do the work women have always done so they could live the Enjoli dream?