Tag Archives: children

30 Years In

16 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.

He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.

She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.

Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.

They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.

Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.

Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.

As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.

It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.

Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.

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Nature is Sexist!

21 Tuesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Gender

≈ 9 Comments

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There is a difference between sexism and biology. And before throwing down the “sexist” claim, it’s important to understand the difference.

Sexism is basically telling people (historically women) that they cannot do X, Y, or Z because of their sex. These things were possible, but due to social constraints were not “acceptable” and so they were forbidden. That’s sexism.

However, there are certain things in life that may appear sexist at first blush, but are actually biological constraints. These are not sexist, although they may be sex-specific.

Men cannot, for example, have babies. That is not sexist, that’s biology.

Or to make examining such things less heated, it’s often helpful to extrapolate from the animal world, from nature in general, to understand the difference between sexism and biology.

Besides the seahorse and Emperor penguin and a few other token examples, for the most part, by and large, it is the female of the species who does the bulk of the work rearing the young. Now one could fight it is not “fair” till the cows come home, but it simply is what it is.

Without mothering, most offspring simply do not survive or if they do they are confused and unprepared for what lies ahead.  Sure there are examples of animals who need no mothering or fathering (sea turtles, for example), but again if that’s the way they are biologically designed that is a far cry from it being a “choice.”

In the animal kingdom, none fight this. They simply go about life doing their biological role and everything works out great.

We humans, despite being the “most intelligent” species on the planet, seem to be the only ones who want to ignore biology and define it for ourselves.

It’s at most a fool’s errand. But people still do.

Let those who have ears hear!

Can you name some examples of this either in your life or that you have seen in the lives of others? Please share in the comments!

 

Head Games Don’t Pay Off

13 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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I have written about my former neighbor I nicknamed Vixen before more than once. Last time I wrote about her she was about to have a baby, and was torn between the dad who wouldn’t commit and the beta orbiter who would.

The baby is now almost 10 months old and sure is a cute little guy! He has a very even temperament and is the “easy baby” all moms hope for. I think God knew what she could handle, and cut her a lot of slack!

She still continues to waffle between the two choices, never fully committing or detaching from either one. So things continue to be a cluster.

The other night I had a little red pill heart to heart with her, and explained that a big reasons she (and her kids) are in the situation she’s in is due to her fence sitting. In classic projection she’s the one who is really unwilling to commit to either path 100%, not them, and the longer it goes on the more damage is being done.

Honestly I am surprised they both have not given up on her by now, but from what I see both guys are willing to commit to her *IF* she would commit to them. But she can’t decide, and that is the problem.

The baby’s father has a great job but it is and always has been in a different state. He comes home frequently, but as he has explained to her multiple times if he were to take a job closer to home, he’d be taking a 2/3 pay cut as well.

He’s got an Alpha temperament and so the more she tries to bend him to her will, the more distance he puts between them. I have met him and seen them interact and she constantly “shit tests” him whenever he comes home for the weekend. His reaction? He doesn’t want to be around her, and so he leaves.

As I watched her once again bring up the tired old, “We wouldn’t fight if you were here, it’s your job that is the problem,” yada yada last time he visited, I could not help but interrupt, “Haven’t we had this fight already?” (Not to mention in front of myself and the kids!)

He’s made it pretty clear he is more than willing to pay her rent and commit to her *if* she will stop the nagging and fighting and would drop the orbiter. And yet she just can’t seem to stop herself, even when it leads to him breaking things off and dating other women for awhile, which he has done. He’s a good guy but he simply is not going to tolerate her behavior.

Her beta orbiter is also a great guy. But she says as much as she wishes she felt “tingles” with him, she doesn’t. He’s too available, too ready to run to her aid, too willing to put up with her nonsense. It kills  her attraction but he just can’t seem to stop himself. He’s holding on in hopes that he will be the last guy standing in the end.

During our red pill talk I asked her which one she wanted. She said the baby’s father, ideally, which I also agree now that baby is here and he is willing if she can learn to curb her tongue. But I explained to her he would never be all in unless she was too. And that means cutting off the beta orbiter and his “help” 100% completely. And of course all other potential orbiters or relationships with single men who are attracted to her.

I also pointed out that her behavior was driving him away, and that rather than fight with him every time he comes to town, maybe she should welcome him, make a fuss, treat him like a king, and not complain. Make her place somewhere he can’t wait to get to rather than run away from.

He’s got the opportunity to transfer to an equal job here within the next six months.  So I suggested she spend the next six months cementing the relationship than continue to play foolish games. Cut off the other guy completely in the meantime, as his involvement and help only makes things more confusing. She simply can’t have both. She agreed it made sense.

Then, this weekend, just two days after our talk she spent most of her time with guess who? The beta orbiter. Ug!

I didn’t say anything, but she knows what I think. She’s playing with fire and it’s going to end up with her and her kids getting burned I am afraid.

She has taken note of my own long distance relationship, also due to work constraints. Rather than fight with him and make it an issue, I patiently wait because I realize it is in both of our best interest he ride out the next few years to get a full retirement that will be a huge benefit to us both! In the meantime we are in frequent contact, never fight, and see each other as often as his leave time allows. On weekends I stay home and I stay away from “friendships” with single guys because I don’t want him to even have to question where I stand. I have chosen him and that’s that. I do all I can to prove I am a good bet rather than play games and try to make him prove himself to me! He’s all in, but I know he would not be if I were not, too! (And I respect that!)

The bottom line is men don’t share. They just don’t. And men don’t like a bunch of drama either. Her own behavior is why she is single and has a commitment from nobody, while meanwhile I don’t have a care in the world and all is swell! I know she’s watching how I am handling my own situation differently, and I hope it will click for her, although honestly there’s already a LOT of damage done in the last 2-3 years she’s played games. I don’t see how either relationship could ever be what it fully could have been had she not played games. I wonder if she will ever get that?

What do you think? Have you ever seen a woman try to run a relationship as if she is an Alpha male? Except she isn’t, so the plate spinning and jealousy does not work in her favor? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

(Personally I think both guys should RUN!!! But softie that I am, I still hope for her, her kid’s, and the guys sake she will figure it out before they do.)

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

 

Pumpkin Carving

26 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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Sometimes it is good to take a step back, and to look at things from a distance. Like traditions. Like pumpkin carving.

Now pumpkin carving is kind of a minor tradition, and one mostly for the young folks.

Today our journey started with a field trip to the local pumpkin patch, run by one of my very favorite local agriculture preservation activists. He and his wife are salt of the earth, I kid you not. True blue. And they welcome school buses of kids every fall to help show  them where food comes from. (Not the store.)

Not only do they grow amazing mind-blowing sweet corn and other goodies that I and other locals look forward to all year and then silently cry when we taste their sweet, sweet perfection again. Corn will never look the same, not unless they raised it or you raised it yourself.

Anyway, I digress.

These things kind of make no sense (carving gourds into scary faces to scare away evil spirits on All Hallows Eve????) and yet it is part of the shared collective, some weird bonding glue of mutual understanding. Traditions can both make no sense, and yet oddly make everything tie together.

And my kids loved it. The gooey pumpkin seeds and guts. Drawing the design. Mom, doing her best not to cut herself or anyone else in the process of carving. The pretty good if I do say so myself result.

It was an opportunity to remind my kids that this time of year signifies harvest, and plenty, and the lack to come, and how being prepared pays off.

And a chance to talk about a farmer, and how I admire him and his family, and tradition, and the rest, as we carve that silly pumpkin, gooey guts and seeds and all.

Anyway, time to light the masterpiece.

Memories made. Traditions passed. Future memories to come made.

A Bride or a Wife?

14 Friday Oct 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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Recently, I helped at a wedding that provided a great example of the difference between being ready to be a bride versus being ready to be a wife.

The couple is in their 20s. I would guess she’s about 22, he’s in his late 20’s. They met in a rather unique way — she was on a blind date with one of his friends (it was not a match). He waited a year, kept tabs on her via Facebook, then asked her out on a date. Before the date was over, she says they both knew this was likely “it.”

This young couple impresses me in many ways. They are already committed to a debt-free lifestyle. They bought a piece of land and are building a home. They approach life as a team already. They are unusually sensible and mature for their ages, it seems to me. They are “on the right track” and seem to have a solid plan for their future.

All of this impressed me already, but I really saw that this girl was ready to be a wife, not just a bride, when the wedding day approached. By a stroke of bad luck there was a huge storm, and with high winds and pouring rain forecast, the outdoor fall wedding she had dreamed of was just not in the cards as planned.

Three days before the event, she accepted reality and quickly went to work securing an alternate indoor venue and rearranging everything.

Not once did I see her melt down. Not once did I see her feel sorry for herself. Not once did I hear her complain. No princess fantasy derailment. No, “My day is ruined!” She just bucked up and did what needed done. Like a boss (and I told her so!)

I have to say, she surprised me. I had underestimated her, as she is very attractive and seems like the kind of girl who has likely had a charmed and easy life. Or so I thought. I was surprised in fact when I met her parents to learn this very traditional minded gal had been raised in a hippie commune.

Who would have thought? A gal raised in a Northern California hippie commune would turn out to be such a mature, sensible, solid adult? Who despite both being raised in an alternative culture combined with the current culture, choose to marry and start her adult life young, and choose very well. Her husband comes from one of the most respected families in the area and he is a great guy. His choice of a wife reveals a wisdom and readiness to lead.

I predict good things for them. She’s shared that they plan to start a family soon, and after working in commercial daycare centers in high school, and despite being recently promoted to manager in a national coffee house chain with the promise of an upwardly mobile career ahead, they have decided when children come she’ll stay at home and raise them.

In any case, she’s a good example of a woman who is not just ready to be a bride, but who is ready to be a wife. It warms my red pill cynical heart to see, that sometimes people still manage to find their way despite the mainstream madness.

I hope to raise my daughters to be as wise as this young lady.  She’s a great example and role model for any young woman to follow.

Go Girl Culture

01 Monday Aug 2016

Posted by in Fempire, Uncategorized

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I was cleaning out my car and something about my youngest’s booster seat caught my eye that I had never noticed before, the word “Fabulous!” in the middle of a heart on the headrest.

I guess I had chosen the seat simply because it was pink, but had never given much thought to the fabric. Lo and behold as I looked closer I saw in other hearts all over the chair these words, too:

  • Princess
  • Sweetie
  • Sassy
  • Heart-breaker

It made me ponder the “go girl” culture that would put such words on a female toddler chair, and how early the “You are fabulous because you are a female” indoctrination begins and how widespread and almost invisible it has become in our culture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think females can be fabulous, but being female alone does not automatically make one so.  Fabulous is a title earned, not a title granted.

And, I don’t especially think “sassy” and “heartbreaker” are good qualities to encourage in a girl. I am not sure why anyone would?

The self esteem movement aimed to make kids (especially girls) feel better about themselves with external validation and unearned accolades such as these. But I would argue they are a double edged sword, subtly implying one is a victim rather than a victor.

True self esteem comes from inside, not outside. It is forged by overcoming struggle, mastering skills, and by proving oneself to oneself and the world. Internal based self esteem is solid, it is not based upon what OTHERS think, but rather what one thinks of SELF.

Self esteem based on external validation, in comparison, is a bottomless pit needing fuel from never ending accolades. It’s unstable. Not real. Dangerous, really. It’s the stuff drama queens, materialists, Facebook “like” trolls, and selfie obsessed gals are made of. “Tell me again, and again, and again you like me,  I am fabulous, and worthy!” It lasts as long as the words hang in the air and then more outside validation is needed to keep propping up the externally-based self image.

Luckily my daughter can’t read the words on her car seat. And by the time she can, it will thankfully be obsolete.

Of course I will tell her she is fabulous, and that I love her, but I will also tell her when she is not being so fabulous, and will encourage her to develop a solid internal self confidence and self esteem so that she doesn’t need to be told over and over she has value. She’ll know that she does, and that part of that value is what she brings to the world, not just what she gets from it.

Kind of reminds me of that old tale about building one’s house upon the rock, and not upon the sand.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

The More Kids, The Better?!?!?

30 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Last night I had a friend, her two daughters, and her two nieces over for a BBQ and I realized something very strange — somehow six kids are a lot easier than two!

Let me explain, I have a 10-year-old and a 4-year-old. She has a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old. Her sister-in-law’s kids are 7 and 4. So just by chance, for once, everyone had a playmate! And so play they did, not one bit of whining, complaining, or “I’m bored” to be heard, for hours. But there was a lot of happy little girl ear piercing screeching, laughter, and frivolity!

My friend and I got to simply sit and relax, a rare occasion for us both. That’s when it struck me — more kids are somehow easier than few.

My babysitter, who I have talked about before, is part of a very traditional old Scandinavian religious group similar to Amish. The women do not practice birth control, as a result a child arrives every year or so once they marry until they can’t have any more. Every child is considered a blessing. Families are large, 13 children is not unusual.

For these women, life is basically one big play date. They get together, visit, and their children happily run about. Last night I understood why these women are all pretty happy and content, their children are exceedingly well behaved, and how and why it works.

I was sharing this observation with a friend who is more of a math and science type. As he put it, what I was experiencing was called chaos theory — a complex system that organizes itself.

So on those days when your children are on our last nerve, try adding on a few more! It works shockingly well.  Short of that, head for a park or somewhere there will be other children around, bring a book, and enjoy the peace and quiet for a change!

Let those who have ears hear.

(And for those tough parenting moments where you just need a good laugh, I highly recommend this blog, Underdaddy. You will be howling in laughter about the absurdity of having children in no time, guaranteed! Enjoy!)

Female Fertility Does Have a “Use By” Date

27 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Sex and Such

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Female fertility is often a taboo topic, but I think it’s one that needs to be discussed more openly and honestly than it is currently. So I am going to take the risk and talk about this important topic in the interest of freedom of information.

In addition to writing this blog, I have spent the last 20+ years working as a writer and editor, mostly covering the health and medical beat. Fertility, infertility, women’s reproductive health, birth control, and the like are topics I have covered many times.

Something that is often not said is that female fertility starts to decline, and dramatically so, around age 35. But with so many women being encouraged to put career before babies, the message they are often told is “there’s always time for that.”

Well, three dear friends of mine have found out the hard way that’s simply not true. All waited to around age 38 to get started with baby making, only to find even with all the help medical science had to offer, it just wasn’t meant to be. All were devastated by this fact. And all said, “Why didn’t someone tell me?”

It’s because of what I watched them go through that I am telling you this now.

But celebrities are having babies left and right at age 45 plus, right? Yes, some do. But not without a lot of help, and possibly a surrogate, or donor eggs, or adoption.

The truth is, after age 40 even the most advanced infertility procedure — in vitro — where sperm and egg meet outside of the body and are implanted at just the right moment — has about a 2 percent success rate (after age 40.)

Even if a woman freezes her eggs while younger, the success rates of the in vitro procedure are not increased. The hormonal mix after age 40 is hit and miss.

For some women, it indeed is no problem. In fact, after the age of 40 is the second most common time for a woman to have an unplanned pregnancy, resulting in “change of life babies” who are born to moms who think they don’t have to worry about birth control measures anymore.

I had my own children at the age of 33 and 40, both conceived within three months of deciding to try. I think a lot of that was due to both my in depth knowledge of how it works, and also just plain old good luck.

Maybe it is TMI, but I have always had very regular cycles and I have never had some of the the gyn issues that some women struggle with, such as endometriosis, fibroids, pelvic inflammatory disease, STD’s, or other factors that can greatly impact fertility. For women who do have these issues, timing is even more critical as their fertility can be severely compromised even by their mid 20s.

If you want a family, may I suggest another path? Have your children young and start you career in your 40s, rather than the more promoted path of having a career in your 20s and 30s and starting a family at 40.

I would not wish upon anyone the heartbreak and disappointment I have watched my friends go though. They just didn’t know, and nobody ever told them this. That’s why I am telling you this now. Infertility is not something I would wish on anyone, and it is a very private and deep pain.

Of my three friends (and their husbands), one has adopted two little girls, one has decided to stop trying infertility treatments and to accept her DINK lifestyle and focus on being thankful she has her wonderful husband to share her life with, and the third is right now undergoing what will likely be the final attempts. I know all would give almost anything for things to have turned out differently and for the third, I still hope that they will.

Doing different is not always easy, but sometimes it is the best path. There are challenges of parenting at any age, so I am not sure the advice to put off babies until one is in her late 30s for financial and career reasons is sound advice. I got lucky. And I am glad that I did. But just because it worked out that way for me, is no guarantee it will for others.

After watching what my friends have gone through, it’s not a risk I would advise someone talking unless they are 100 percent ok with the possibility that it may never happen at all.

(And btw, I am in no way endorsing teen pregnancy or that women have babies when they are not in a lifetime relationship. If it happens, by all means make the best of it, but to do so on purpose is just as unwise as waiting until age 47 to start trying.)