Tag Archives: commitment phobia

Put Yourself in His Shoes

27 Wednesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Relationships

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So often when I hear women talking of finding a guy they are quick to list all of the many qualities and requirements they want — the must-have list.

Naturally the list of often quite demanding. She only wants the best, after all!

Often if I ask her what she has to offer, I am met with a confused look and radio silence. Big mistake.

A woman who is serious about meeting and marrying a guy who is what every other gal also hopes to find would be foolish not to put herself in his shoes and consider if she is what a guy such as that would be seeking? Does she even know what that is?

And as many guys like that readily admit, the answer is usually, “No.”

Add to that the legal environment is not set up to favor, much less equally protect, him in the case of divorce and child custody, combined with a lifetime of observing this harsh reality in the lives of the men around them, such men today are even more wary of becoming a husband and father.

So he’s facing a dating pool of women who eagerly rattle off checklists of all he must be and do, who at the same time have little to no understanding of what he wants or needs, and meanwhile his odds are the same as flipping a coin that if he marries and has kids that he’ll end up in divorce court vs. that lasting a lifetime. Can you see why he may not be saying, “Sign me up!”

One can dismiss this inconvenient truth all she likes, blame his commitment phobia, or demand he needs to, “Man up!” But guess what? That’s not going to get her any closer to her goal.

A savvy gal instead becomes singleminded in figuring out what a guy like that is looking for and does all she can to develop herself and those qualities. The earlier in life she does this, the better.

Such women are exceedingly rare, some might call them unicorns. But in that rareness they stand out like a precious jewel — the kind of woman every guy is looking for.

See how that’s a two-way street? Yep.

Let those who have ears hear!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Skittles Guy

18 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Shortly after my guy and I started dating, an 8 pound bag of skittles arrived by mail. It was a gag gift, based on the game advice to, “Be a Skittles Guy.”

Of course in this case it was a joke between two red pill types, but I do have to say by the time they were gone, my girls and I were skittles-proof. If we never eat another Skittles again, we’d be OK with it.

The Skittles Guy concept is based off a story of a gal who complained online how bad her jerk boy lover was to her, he was mostly only interested in booty calls, would disappear for stretches of time only to explain when he resurfaced that he, “was busy,” and never gave her anything but a bag of skittles. Despite this, she was upset he’d decided to end things!

I have seen acquaintances in such relationships (if one could call them that) in real life and the dynamic can be irrationally strong. Gals will cling to guys who give next to nothing in return. Hope it will turn into more. Will jump through hoops to be with him. Will often have sad stories of broken plans and ways he’s wronged her, yet she continues. If she asks for more, Skittles Man usually vanishes rather than changes his ways or puts a ring on it.

Women in such situations often view themselves as the victim, the injured or wronged party. But are they? Or are their own choices leading to their outcomes?

My advice would be to beware getting involved with Skittles Guy in the first place. If you already are in such a relationship recognize this and break it off so you can find more. Or if you choose to continue, own it and realize you are agreeing to the deal, you are not a powerless victim.

Maybe the Skittles Guy is a bad guy, maybe not. That’s kind of irrelevant versus seeing he is who he is. And understanding that no matter what one sees in the movies, Skittles Guys do not magically and suddenly turn into something else. Maybe someday he will be in a place where he’s looking to commit, but if he’s not doing it already, it’s not now and it’s not with you. That’s the reality.

If you don’t take my word for it, here’s an excellent post by a guy explaining the price of being tied up with a Skittles Guy if what you really want is something more.

Life is a series of choices leading to good things or bad things. Choose wisely.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Vixen Update

16 Sunday Apr 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long! Been very busy with real life stuff (all good!) as of late.

For those who saw the last post in the series on Vixen, I wanted to offer an update. I shared some of the things said by commentators about her situation, including how people said if the Alpha was going to commit or truly be there for her, he would already be. Plus some other nuggets of red pill wisdom shared. She pondered that long and hard, and wanted me to pass along thanks for the thoughtful advice.

(Please note I use these terms just for the shorthand. I don’t believe the Alpha to truly be an Alpha, more of a faux Alpha. And I actually think very highly of the beta, not his choices as far as them, but he is a good solid man who frankly deserves to be treasured, not used. So take the terms with a grain of salt….)

A few weeks later, she got abrupt notice from the owner of the house she rents that it would be put up for sale and she had 30 days to figure something else out. Her beta friend advised her to talk to the Alpha, see what he would do.

Well, as many of you predicted, he apparently flipped out at the idea of actually having to prove up on his talk that he wants to take care of her and the kids, get a place, make a life. That was always, “someday” but when he heard she had to move, his response was to escalate it into a fight, accusing her of making it up, and telling her, “That’s it, I am DONE.” (Of course this is her version of events, so what actually transpired we don’t really know, but whatever happened an offer to help finance her moving into a new place or more commitment was not forthcoming.)

So the beta offers that they can move in with him. And she accepted. I am not so sure this is a good idea, at all, but it appears to be the plan. He rents a small guest house on his brother’s place, so it will be tight quarters with three kids plus them.

And I can’t help but feel that she’s not being true to her self or him by accepting his offer versus looking into a place of her own. I gently floated that as “option c” but didn’t push the issue because people are going to do what they are going to do, I have learned.

The Alpha’s reaction to her moment of need was a red pill bitterly forced down. I think she’s always secretly believed that if push came to shove, he would be there. Well, as she found, not.

We talked about that, and what it means, and a bit about recognizing guys who are all flash but no substance, and how getting involved with guys like that is just a disastrous decision for a gal.

So the saga continues… I am not really hopeful about this turn of events but perhaps the harsh reality of the whole thing will somehow lead to an awakening on her part? I am not holding my breath, but stranger things have happened.

Please share your thoughts in the comments.

 

A Good Question

28 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by in Uncategorized

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Reader Mega recently questioned if he should continue to date a woman who he gets along with in every way except ideologically?

Apparently the recent election brought things to a head, with him on one side and her on another. As the discussions continued, the divide chafed more and more.

From what I have seen opposites may attract, but over time seeing the world from opposing viewpoints can lead to increasing strife, which is a lot harder to live with long term than increasing harmony.

He wondered if it was possible perhaps she would change her point of view with time? It’s a big “if.”

Now I do believe people can and do change their point of view, as I certainly did upon discovering the red pill, but usually people have to do so on their own. It’s not something you can really talk someone else into.

In the long run I would say it is easier to be with someone who shares your worldview, than opposes it. Especially if they can’t agree to disagree.

After all, isn’t life complicated enough? Yes. Yes it is.

As one man explained it to me once, ladies, men spend their whole lives scrapping with each other in the public sphere — for jobs, for status, for recognition, for respect, for territory, for everything basically. The last thing a guy wants to do is retreat into his private world and encounter strife or competition there as well. No. A man wants and needs his woman to be a soft place to land.

If I were a betting gal, chances are Mega’s 50-some-year-old girlfriend will soon be on her own once again. Perhaps,  it will be a moment of awakening. Perhaps not.

But the chances of a cantankerous 50-some-year-old woman finding someone willing to put up with such behavior for long are slim. Really, it’s not “attractive” to most men to be in a constant debate with a partner. Perhaps, she should think about it before it is too late. Maybe better for her to  just drop it, even if she doesn’t change her point of view, rather than continue the verbal sparring?

 

Is Commitment Phobia Real?

16 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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Chances are you have heard the term “commitment phobic.” It’s usually applied to men who will have a romantic relationship with a woman, but who either openly say “this isn’t going anywhere” or who just don’t ever bring up the topic of commitment.

Now in the first part of a relationship, it’s normal to not talk about “where this is going.” After all it takes time to get to know a person. But beware if he doesn’t steadily move in the direction of “upping the game” or you might find yourself like this woman, committed to an uncommitted relationship in hopes that the guy you are crazy about will come around.

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but chances are he won’t.

Case in point: I know a woman in a fourteen year (Yes, 14 year!!!) “I’ll see ya when I see ya” arrangement. She is in love with him, doesn’t see other men beside him, and still holds out hope that he will “get over” his commitment phobia. If she pushes it, he tells her she’s free to find someone else. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he dates other women. Afraid to lose him altogether, despite the emotional pain the non-commitment causes her, she backs off and things remain the same.

There may be a number of ways guys say it, he may have been hurt in the past or have other reasons to avoid commitment, but in the end what it means is this: He doesn’t want to commit to YOU. Because if he did, he would. It’s just that simple, most of the time.

This male blogger probably explains it better than I am in this post.

In another post, he lays out why women may be making this mistake – projection. It’s women who need time to decide if they love and want to commit to someone, not men. According to him, men know right away if they are willing to commit to a woman. In fact, he was shocked to discover that women aren’t this way, too!

As he puts it, women seem to need more time to access compatibility with a man because for women that is based on characteristics and personality traits that can only be determined by getting to know him and to see how he reacts to multiple situations over a period of time. Women mistake a guy not sure about commitment with this, how women do it.

Meanwhile men report the decision to commit or not being a much more instant and visceral thing. He “feels it” or he doesn’t. Sure that attraction can diminish with time if a gal’s personality doesn’t match her looks, but men say if a gal doesn’t meet flip his attraction triggers right away, it’s unlikely she ever will to the point that he will want to commit to her.

Or like the book of the same title says, “He’s just not that into you.” Because if he was, he would not be nonchalant about it.

There’s more to it than this, a red pill concept called the “sexual market place value” or SMP value of the man and the woman. (This is similar to the zero to ten point scale, aka “She’s a 7”) Women tend to want to date “up” in value and are unlikely to date or have sex with a man she considers beneath her own SMP value. Men (or at least men who are not celibate for moral reasons) will, although most men have a threshold they won’t want to go below even for easy sex.

Men also have a much harder time getting a woman with a SMP value equal to (or above) their own, the women they want to commit to, because those women are likely aiming for guys above their SMP.

Then it gets even trickier. Some men, those at the top of the SMP scale, with a SMP value of 8 plus, are in such demand that they can almost literally have their pick EXCEPT with female 8s and above. But women with a SMP value say of 6 or 7 (and less) will practically throw themselves at these men, who may in turn sleep with them or enter into a “I’m not your boyfriend” style relationship with them in hopes it will turn into more. If these women draw the line, they are easily replaced by other women more than willing to take their shot at the “prize” male.

If these women don’t understand he wouldn’t commit for this reason, their SMP value is not high enough to flip his commitment triggers, she may get a distorted view of her own SMP value by confusing men who she can have a casual sex relationship with as the same level she can have a committed relationship with, thus ignoring the 6 and 7 (or whatever her SMP value is) men whose attraction triggers she likely would flip. (Spoiler alert: Meanwhile these men who would commit are now checking out in record numbers because they are tired of playing a losing game.)

As the same male blogger explains above, while a man’s SMP value is based on a combination of looks, career achievement, status, wealth, and other factors, a woman’s is almost exclusively based on her looks and her age. As “sexist” as that is, it has been this way for millennia and it is unlikely to change. All that “inner beauty” stuff is really what gals tell each other not what men actually think. Now it is true a woman can certainly turn a man off with her personality, but for the most part his commit or not decision is made on first sight.

So what’s a gal to do? Be honest with herself. If there are factors she can change about her physical appearance (and there are many) she can move up the SMP scale and thus get a “better” guy. Barring that, she can accept her SMP value and stop having pseudo relationships with the guys “out of her league” and start dating men at her own SMP value. Or (and I would not recommend this option) she can accept that the higher SMP value man may add her to his booty call list, see her when he sees her, she will have little to say about it, and that he will not (ever, sorry but it’s true, as this blogger puts it point blank) commit to more.

Hate the message, not the messenger. I am just telling the ladies straight up what’s really going on when a guy doesn’t want to commit. The choice to play that game, or not, is up to her. But if she does, she can’t blame commitment phobia. Instead she should take ownership of it and admit, she wants a guy who is out of her league even if he won’t commit.

On the other hand, if a women can really absorb this information and forgo the ego boost (and crash) that sleeping with (but not actually “getting”) men of a higher SMP than her own, and focus only on dating men who are in her SMP zone, while doing all she can to improve and protect her SMP value, chances are high she can find a man of her own SMP value who will commit relatively easily (If they don’t all go MTGOW first that is).

And that’s the real solution to commitment phobia.

Let those who have ears hear.