Tag Archives: commitment

Put Yourself in His Shoes

27 Wednesday Feb 2019

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So often when I hear women talking of finding a guy they are quick to list all of the many qualities and requirements they want — the must-have list.

Naturally the list of often quite demanding. She only wants the best, after all!

Often if I ask her what she has to offer, I am met with a confused look and radio silence. Big mistake.

A woman who is serious about meeting and marrying a guy who is what every other gal also hopes to find would be foolish not to put herself in his shoes and consider if she is what a guy such as that would be seeking? Does she even know what that is?

And as many guys like that readily admit, the answer is usually, “No.”

Add to that the legal environment is not set up to favor, much less equally protect, him in the case of divorce and child custody, combined with a lifetime of observing this harsh reality in the lives of the men around them, such men today are even more wary of becoming a husband and father.

So he’s facing a dating pool of women who eagerly rattle off checklists of all he must be and do, who at the same time have little to no understanding of what he wants or needs, and meanwhile his odds are the same as flipping a coin that if he marries and has kids that he’ll end up in divorce court vs. that lasting a lifetime. Can you see why he may not be saying, “Sign me up!”

One can dismiss this inconvenient truth all she likes, blame his commitment phobia, or demand he needs to, “Man up!” But guess what? That’s not going to get her any closer to her goal.

A savvy gal instead becomes singleminded in figuring out what a guy like that is looking for and does all she can to develop herself and those qualities. The earlier in life she does this, the better.

Such women are exceedingly rare, some might call them unicorns. But in that rareness they stand out like a precious jewel — the kind of woman every guy is looking for.

See how that’s a two-way street? Yep.

Let those who have ears hear!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

State of the Union

30 Friday Nov 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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So just minutes ago, I randomly happened to see a post on Instagram with pink plastic reusable-but-also-disposable cups for — I am assuming — a bachelorette party (???) that say, “Same penis forever.” Along with a diamond engagement ring clip art image.

So naturally I had to write a post.

How depressingly red pill is that? Are the holders of said cups already regretting the end of the Alpha Fux, soon to be beta bux (AF/bb) era? Are the cups being both reusable (for a whole weekend!!!) but disposable a sign of the times?

Is this a healthy and marriage-ready or marriage-worthy sentiment? How long until that same penis gets old? What then?

Or am I just taking a joke and a lighthearted spin on the male version of this sentiment all too seriously?

As one manospherisn might say, (Drink!) And then discuss in the comments!

Commit To Your Choice

29 Friday Jun 2018

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In comments on another blog, frequent commentor and fellow blogger Stephanie shared the story of a friend’s struggling marriage:

“I had a friend for over 2 decades… literally, we were friends in pre-school and have pictures together from our Kinder graduation **tear**. But she married someone she was NOT attracted to – who she dated for FIVE YEARS in our 20’s and kept complaining to me about how unattractive he was and how she wanted him to improve himself.

No matter how many times I told her to leave him alone and move on – find someone she was attracted to who she could accept as the man he is, she didn’t listen. She married him right at 29 yrs old (really hit home that manosphere cliche for me personally to see that), and has a very rocky marriage now.

Maybe… is it possible that [she] married her husband even though he wasn’t good at being a man? To me, these women (and virgins can do it, too) they pick these kinds of men on purpose. It’s not an accident that they stay with them through sometimes YEARS of dating and then it’s not an accident that they walk down that aisle to marry someone THEY KNOW they are not attracted to that much.

It’s very much on purpose. And while I’m sure they believe the lies they tell themselves… it’s bound to end up in heartache.

**Bonus brain memory stuff** She even told me (much to my horror) that while they were just dating she was very tempted to cheat on him with various coworkers!!!!!!! So how is that going to play out in a marriage of decades? Seems much more likely she will eventually stray.”

I inquired:

“@ Stephanie did she ever say what was working for her in the relationship? How attractive is she? Did she date others or ?”

She replied:

“Mostly just security, and getting married before it was too late to have kids. Her plans were always to find someone in college and marry them.

She did date other guys, even in high school… a couple she really was attracted to, but chose not to be “serious” with them even though I would urge her that they were a great catch for marriage.

I don’t get it 😦 Except that he makes good money and is stable. But she is very very good at her job and makes a lot of money, too, so I guess she just wanted stability relationship-wise.”

I too have seen women marry to a man they are not so attracted to physically (but are attracted to for other reasons like stability, status, resources, etc.) who end up unhappily married. And likewise I have seen women marry men they are wildly physically attracted to (but who lacked the stability/comfort component) who end up unhappily married. So is the physical attraction, or making the “wrong” pick in a mate, really the factor?

I know some may disagree, but I would argue it is not the level of attraction or choosing the wrong mate that is the problem, it is the woman’s attitude. Rather than focusing on what her mate doesn’t have, she would be far better off focusing on the qualities and traits that she does appreciate. It’s similar to the glass half full or half empty argument.

Women who look for what’s “missing” will always be less happy (content) than women who look for “what’s there.” Because it is far too easy to idealize some imaginary path not taken, and far too easy to also criticize the path chosen.

But guess what? All we have is the path we are on. And if she choose to marry this man, choosing to honor that commitment despite his not being perfect in every possible way is actually the secret to a successful marriage. Being happy (content) isn’t something that, “just happens,” it means she literally chooses to be happy (content) with her choice, see the positives within it, and to honor the commitment she made.

It’s foolishly disastrous to continue after marriage to ponder “what if’s” and “if only’s” and such alternate realities as if they were some magically perfect path versus the path one is on. Because you know what? Those options would be just as imperfect in different ways. Because no marriage is without a balance of give and take.

To see how damaging such thinking is, let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if her husband was constantly questioning his choice in a wife? Wondering if he could have “done better?” Entertaining attractions to others at work and social circles. Confessing to others on a regular basis how his wife is “lacking” in this way or that. Not cool, right? And not very loving, either.

So in reality I would say this woman and others like her are not unhappy (discontent) because they have chosen poorly or wrong so much as they are choosing to be unhappy (discontent) with the choice they freely made. As in past tense. The time to question the choice was before the wedding, not forever after.

Of course doing so takes maturity, self-discipline, wisdom, and a long-view — qualities not as popular in today’s “instant gratification, I want it all and I want it now,” society. It would also require self-awareness of the role she is choosing to play in her own and her husband’s unhappiness (discontent), plus a sincere desire to change that. It’s possible, but only she can take these steps.

This woman may think the solution to her unhappiness (discontent) is changing her partner (either changing her partner’s appearance or literally changing partners) — but in reality the solution is changing her own dysfunctional, non-constructive, and marriage-killing mindset. Stop reconsidering the choice and get on with making what you chose work, would be my red pill advice.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

One Smart Cookie!

18 Monday Jun 2018

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As I may have mentioned, I live in a rural area surrounded by farmland and small-acreage “country estates/hobby farms” owned by people who want to live a country lifestyle.

My place is surrounded on two sides by a family that has lived and farmed the area for generations. The father, widowed after 40+ years of marriage and now in his late 70s, lives with his bachelor brother on the original farm. His two sons, in their late 40s or early 50s, both own 40-acre hobby farms. They are a good family, solid church going folks who are upstanding citizen types.

Recently, the grandson announced he was engaged, and will be married this summer on the family property. He, his mom, and his bride-to-be stopped by to say hello a few weeks ago, sharing their good news.

I was immediately impressed by this young woman. She’s tall and fit with a curvy but athletic build. Her long brunette hair is styled in natural cascading waves, and I was not surprised to hear that she sometimes does modeling work. She was dressed stylishly but modestly, in clothes that fit and flattered. (She was conspicuously lacking in the tattoos, wild hair colors, piercings, and other fashion choices many gals her age are making these days.)

She’s bubbly, graceful, and well mannered. By no means shy or a doormat, but she’s also not at all overbearing. She’s got a regal confidence, the bearing of a true young lady. Classy. His mom beamed at her with pride, obviously smitten with her son’s choice of a future wife. All good signs that I was happy to see!

The son is a strapping young man. Thanks to working around the farm plus having very athletic parents, he’s pretty much the physical ideal example of a young man. I could not help but notice this the other day when he and his fiance stopped by to check in on cutting my hay field. Instead of the long sleeved shirt he had worn during the prior visit, this time he was in a loose tank top. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before but his biceps and chest were huge, the boy is solid muscle!

As the two bounded off to check the field, he and his eager helpmate, I thought what a dashing pair they make, so happy and carefree and obviously in love. Like his parents and his dads parents before that, I can see them married for life, building a life, and starting a family of their own.

I did not ask their ages or what they do, but my guess is they are recently out of college, in their early 20s. While others in their age group are sowing wild oats, these two are pairing up and settling down.

I thought what a smart cookie she was to choose wisely and well, marrying into a solid family, with a bright financial future. I have no doubt they will have a beautiful and fairly easy life. Charmed, even.

Like many of her age, she could instead be on Tinder, swiping and matching, putting everything into her career, going out to nightclubs and bars, keeping her options open, telling herself maybe she’ll settle down, “someday,” but for the time being wanting freedom, independence, empowerment, and lots of life experiences.

I wondered how she had happened to take the path less traveled, if it was just blind luck or if she consciously sought to find her mate, a good man from a good family who she loved with all her heart, and happily marry young? My bet is that it is a result of deliberate choices to be and do different than most of her peers, choices that are now paying off.

In any case, I think she’s wise. And I don’t see her doing anything but building upon the firm foundation she’s establishing. Like his mother who herself married wisely and well in her youth, I see a relatively carefree and easy road ahead for this girl rather than one filled with pain, struggle, and strife.

It makes me happy to see it and to share the tale — sometimes you see it working out, despite the odds, and it gives me hope that all is not lost. I hope other young ladies (including my own girls!) who hear her tale see the wisdom in doing different, and take the same path themselves!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Wedding Daze

20 Sunday May 2018

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All the news and such on the royal wedding has me thinking how easy it can be to get swept up in the event itself rather than what it’s really all about.

It’s not really about the dress, the flowers, the decor, the ceremony, the breaking or not of tradition, who is invited or not, who shows or not, etc.

I have often seen women get so caught up in the planning of the day that they lose sight it’s not the finish line, it’s actually the starting line.

The wedding day itself will last 24 hours at most, and in many cases the ceremony is 15 minutes or less.

What really matters is not the wedding but the attitude and mindset one approaches the entire situation with. It’s not about being a bride. It’s about becoming a wife.

Being a wife is about entering a whole new life phase. Doors closing and others opening. Building a life. Making a commitment. Sticking to it. Two becoming one.

Needless to say the choice of life mate is perhaps the most important one you will make in life. Not only choosing well and wisely, but also being a good and wise choice in return.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the day but in the process be sure you don’t lose sight of the big picture.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Is Her Picker Broken? Or Is It Her?

01 Thursday Mar 2018

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A comment by regular “Love” a few posts back got me thinking about the idea of a gal having, “a broken picker.” What I mean by that is when a gal keeps picking the same kind of guys and keeps getting poor relationship results. Or maybe it’s not that she’s got a broken picker, but that’s she’s simply broken?

“Love” brought up this interesting idea in the comments a few posts back about one reason women (and men) may find themselves in relationships that go nowhere and end badly over and over again — is because maybe they are either consciously or subconsciously picking partners who are unable to give commitment or true intimacy, and this in turn allows the gal in question to avoid her own commitment and intimacy issues, while conveniently being able to blame the guy or culture and cry, “victim!”

It is an interesting idea and one I had not considered before — what if it’s not just bad luck, a bad choice, or a con job? What if it’s not because she’s naive, or being manipulated, or mislead, or “doesn’t get it.” What if it’s not the what things have changed with dating and marriage, or the culture, or due to today’s bad relationship advice? What if in fact she’s actually picking the types of guys who cannot and will not commit and who are unable to truly give or receive intimacy because she herself can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to either?

I know one such gal, I’ve written about my former neighbor Vixen before.  As long as I have known her, her relationship choices have puzzled me. She always has a lot of guy drama and frankly the guys she chooses never seem to be “commitment” types. So they do this dance where she says all she wants is commitment, but her actions are doing everything to ensure that even if a non-commit guy starts to change his mind,  no guy in his right mind would go there. But to hear her tell it, THEY are to blame. It’s always some story of a guy (or guys) doing her some huge injustice and how all she wants is to settle down and be with someone.

I think “Love” may have finally solved the puzzle — I think Vixen herself is unable to commit, unable to truly stop playing the dating game, unable to be faithful or true, and deep down doesn’t want the level of relationship where she would have to give up the games and actually fly straight. She doesn’t want a “real” relationship because she doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone, meet any expectations, or be a real life partner.

Well, I suppose that is a choice and if so maybe she should just get real about it, drop the victim act, and admit she’s choosing this. She’s choosing it by the types of guys she dates. She’s choosing this by the way she acts while she’s dating them. And she chooses this every time she sabotages relationships that start to go toward stability and commitment.

Vixen is still good looking enough and charming enough to get attention from the types of guys she wants attention from. Sure, it may not be for long, but it is still there. However what I can see that she seemingly does not is that window is closing. It won’t be too long from now that she will go from the hot girl at the bar to the bar fly.

In addition, right now she makes a living cleaning houses, and that combined with child support and govt. assistance pays the bills. But as her kids grow up and move out, her chronic back injury starts bothering her more and more, and she can’t do the physical labor she does now (or doesn’t want to) then what? She has no other job skills, no savings, no retirement, no assets whatsoever to sell or liquidate.

Maybe she could live with her kids? Well, sadly and not surprisingly, considering the drama soaked environment they have been raised in, they are not doing too well themselves. The oldest is in middle school but acts far older and is very much following in her mother’s footsteps by making boy drama and manipulating boys with her looks, figure, and charm the main focus of her life.  The younger sister is sullen and withdrawn, spending hours alone by herself, locked up in her room. I wonder how and when the feelings she has locked inside will come out and what the result will be? The youngest, a two-year-old boy, seems oblivious for now but it can’t be good for him to the the center of all the fighting and power struggles with his father and the other guys in and out of the picture, something Vixen doesn’t try to shield him or the older two from.  I wonder if her kids will even talk to her once they grow up?

Anyway, it’s not really about her, but I do think her story is an example of the kind of gal “Love” described in her comment — she’s a Skittles girl who goes for cads. The results are predictable, but somehow and on some level it seems to be working for her enough that she’s not making any changes. And even if she did, at this point, wouldn’t any sane, stable, solid guy just hear her stories and RUN?

I know I stopped being able to take the roller coaster several years ago, and while I hear from her from time to time, I don’t seek her out socially or get our kids together anymore because I don’t want them exposed to that. Plus,  I want to and am taking a different path myself.

In any case, “Love’s” comment got me thinking, perhaps many of these gals who are unlucky in love, with lots of sad stories, and many failed relationships are not victims at all — but are actually choosing their lot? Or if not choosing it, refusing to look at why their picker seems to be broken and what they could do about that?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Skittles Guy

18 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Shortly after my guy and I started dating, an 8 pound bag of skittles arrived by mail. It was a gag gift, based on the game advice to, “Be a Skittles Guy.”

Of course in this case it was a joke between two red pill types, but I do have to say by the time they were gone, my girls and I were skittles-proof. If we never eat another Skittles again, we’d be OK with it.

The Skittles Guy concept is based off a story of a gal who complained online how bad her jerk boy lover was to her, he was mostly only interested in booty calls, would disappear for stretches of time only to explain when he resurfaced that he, “was busy,” and never gave her anything but a bag of skittles. Despite this, she was upset he’d decided to end things!

I have seen acquaintances in such relationships (if one could call them that) in real life and the dynamic can be irrationally strong. Gals will cling to guys who give next to nothing in return. Hope it will turn into more. Will jump through hoops to be with him. Will often have sad stories of broken plans and ways he’s wronged her, yet she continues. If she asks for more, Skittles Man usually vanishes rather than changes his ways or puts a ring on it.

Women in such situations often view themselves as the victim, the injured or wronged party. But are they? Or are their own choices leading to their outcomes?

My advice would be to beware getting involved with Skittles Guy in the first place. If you already are in such a relationship recognize this and break it off so you can find more. Or if you choose to continue, own it and realize you are agreeing to the deal, you are not a powerless victim.

Maybe the Skittles Guy is a bad guy, maybe not. That’s kind of irrelevant versus seeing he is who he is. And understanding that no matter what one sees in the movies, Skittles Guys do not magically and suddenly turn into something else. Maybe someday he will be in a place where he’s looking to commit, but if he’s not doing it already, it’s not now and it’s not with you. That’s the reality.

If you don’t take my word for it, here’s an excellent post by a guy explaining the price of being tied up with a Skittles Guy if what you really want is something more.

Life is a series of choices leading to good things or bad things. Choose wisely.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Unconditional Love

22 Monday Jan 2018

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We could learn a lot from animals, especially about unconditional love.

Since I was young I have always felt a special bond with animals. Compared to people they seemed refreshingly honest and true. They love simply, totally, and unconditionally.

In the love and commitment department, I’d say animals put us to shame. Imagine how much better of a world it would be if humans loved each other that way?

Dogs, for example, don’t leave each other. That’s why it is so traumatic for a dog to be given away — it’s something they simply don’t do, or understand. Commitment till death do you part is an automatic to them.

Indeed we could learn a lot from our furry friends about love, commitment, forgiveness, loyalty, not holding grudges, and living in the moment. I’d suggest when one struggles in love they ask themselves, “What would a dog do?” And try doing that. I know it sounds simple but for all our supposedly superior brainpower, I see more animals getting it than people.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

A Frivorce Song

03 Wednesday May 2017

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I heard this song the other day and thought how well it caputures the idea of “frivorce.” Unfortunately, reading of the latest from Morpheus reminded me to post it. Take heed ladies, it’s a cold and cruel world on one’s own, not a rom com fantasy. No matter how many may tell you so. (Very red pill for 1970, btw.)

Read along for the best effect:

CAT STEVENS LYRICS
“Wild World”

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

[Chorus:]
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]

Vixen Update

16 Sunday Apr 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long! Been very busy with real life stuff (all good!) as of late.

For those who saw the last post in the series on Vixen, I wanted to offer an update. I shared some of the things said by commentators about her situation, including how people said if the Alpha was going to commit or truly be there for her, he would already be. Plus some other nuggets of red pill wisdom shared. She pondered that long and hard, and wanted me to pass along thanks for the thoughtful advice.

(Please note I use these terms just for the shorthand. I don’t believe the Alpha to truly be an Alpha, more of a faux Alpha. And I actually think very highly of the beta, not his choices as far as them, but he is a good solid man who frankly deserves to be treasured, not used. So take the terms with a grain of salt….)

A few weeks later, she got abrupt notice from the owner of the house she rents that it would be put up for sale and she had 30 days to figure something else out. Her beta friend advised her to talk to the Alpha, see what he would do.

Well, as many of you predicted, he apparently flipped out at the idea of actually having to prove up on his talk that he wants to take care of her and the kids, get a place, make a life. That was always, “someday” but when he heard she had to move, his response was to escalate it into a fight, accusing her of making it up, and telling her, “That’s it, I am DONE.” (Of course this is her version of events, so what actually transpired we don’t really know, but whatever happened an offer to help finance her moving into a new place or more commitment was not forthcoming.)

So the beta offers that they can move in with him. And she accepted. I am not so sure this is a good idea, at all, but it appears to be the plan. He rents a small guest house on his brother’s place, so it will be tight quarters with three kids plus them.

And I can’t help but feel that she’s not being true to her self or him by accepting his offer versus looking into a place of her own. I gently floated that as “option c” but didn’t push the issue because people are going to do what they are going to do, I have learned.

The Alpha’s reaction to her moment of need was a red pill bitterly forced down. I think she’s always secretly believed that if push came to shove, he would be there. Well, as she found, not.

We talked about that, and what it means, and a bit about recognizing guys who are all flash but no substance, and how getting involved with guys like that is just a disastrous decision for a gal.

So the saga continues… I am not really hopeful about this turn of events but perhaps the harsh reality of the whole thing will somehow lead to an awakening on her part? I am not holding my breath, but stranger things have happened.

Please share your thoughts in the comments.