• About

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: couples

Be a Team Player

27 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

battle of the sexes, break up, breakup, breakups, couples, dating, divorce, marriage, marriage counseling, red pill, relationship advice, relationship dynamics, relatonships, separation

Want a happy and successful relationship? One of the best ways to make it happen is to be a team player. View your mate and your partnership as your number one and the rest will fall into place.

Too often women today are encouraged to see their partner as some sort of enemy in a battle-of-the-sexes dynamic. Such a relationship is marked by power struggles, shit tests, and strife. The result is nobody’s happy or feels supported and the relationship flounders and often then fails as a result.

Compare that to the team model where instead of it being them against each other, it’s them against the world. Their efforts are directed at overcoming outside threats rather that on trying to overcome one another.  It’s a much more harmonious and stable dynamic.

Perhaps the biggest key to achieving a team player attitude is to let go of striving for your individual needs in favor of the needs of the unit. For women, especially for women who have been raised to believe doing so will automatically lead to their oppression and victimization, it can be hard to do.  And yet if the team comes second (or third or fourth) it’s not too difficult to see why that team may fail.

In fact, I can’t think of a single relationship in real life where the couple takes a team approach and one or both of the partners are individually worse off for it. Instead they are among the happiest people I know.

Two are stronger than one. And two pulling together in the same direction are certainly far ahead of two pulling in opposite directions. The first can overcome much while the second may hardly get anywhere at all.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

Water The Grass

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 67 Comments

Tags

appreciation, break up, break ups, couples, dating, divorce, greener grass, grow, marriage, nurture, red pill, relationships

Its so easy in a long term relationship or a marriage to slip into a place where one takes it for granted.

Doing so is a big mistake though. Too often couples who do so slip into complacency, and then one or the other disengages.

Maintenance is always easier than digging out.

Think of it like a garden. One gardener spends 10-20 minutes a day wedding, watering, looking for problems, tackling them when they are small. The little daily effort adds up, keeping everything looking great with seemingly little effort.

Compare that to the person who only takes action when things have gotten out of hand. The grass is yellow. The weeds are waist high. The bushes and trees have overgrown into a jumbled mess. This garden will take hours and hours of work to reclaim. And because some of the neglect has led to problems not easily reversed (lack of regular pruning allowed some things to grow the wrong way or too big, and even with pruning they will never be quite right, or plants have died from lack of water.) It’s possible to recover such a garden, but it will probably never be as good as it could have been, or look as tidy as the one maintained all along.

Most of the time good things don’t “just happen.” Good things are often born of lots of little good decisions and actions leading to success.

Beware neglecting your relationship until the weeds are knee deep. Instead, spend a little time every day doing positive things that will help it grow and flourish.

The greener grass is the grass that gets watered.

What do you think? Do you have tips for maintaining relationship health? Do you have stories of what happens when things aren’t maintained? Please share in the comments!

The Validation of Coupledom

17 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

battle of the sexes, being single, break ups, casual sex, commitment, couples, courtship, dating, divorce, fatherhood, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, singledom

A few months ago I noticed a very interesting social dynamic I had never quite picked up on before: the validation of coupledom.

Now I have pondered this from a female point of view before, and there’s much discussion within the manosphere about how for many women, the social validation of being married might be a big motivator for a woman to marry for the wrong reasons (and I would agree, it can be.)

As a single female, I have felt the unease people feel around singles in certain social settings where a “plus 1” is expected. I can usually find a friend to accompany me to such events, to minimize the awkwardness. But there is something about being a single person after a certain age that makes people uneasy, for single men and women alike.

But what about single men versus coupled men? Is there any social benefit of being a in relationship for men?

I think there is, based on a random observation about a single biz associate and friend I know. First of all he is an INTJ (a Meter’s Briggs Personality Type) so he is not the most social butterfly of a person, and in fact his resting face is rather stoic, almost hostile, blank. I have heard other INTJ’s refer to it as the “INTJ death stare.”  I could see how people might perceive him as a brooding and perhaps dangerous character (he’s anything but, what it is, is he’s very intelligent and observant so he is always taking in and processing lots of info internally when in public, but at first glance I have seen people shy away from him, give him lots of extra room, not stand near him, even cross the street to avoid him!)

Then I noticed when we are together in a social setting people will often assume we are a couple, and him being in the company of a woman somehow “softens” his image or the perception that he is a threat. They often will address me vs. him, but people are more at ease for lack of a better way to put that.

Then I was really amazed when he and I and my two kids were out and about in public to see what a difference that made in how strangers seemed to perceive him. My girls get along well with this guy and follow him like little ducks, so it didn’t surprise me when a woman working at a supermarket spoke to him as if he was their father, and we didn’t feel the need to correct her because after all it was a natural mistake and nothing to make a big awkward scene over with someone we’d never see again. But she treated him wholly differently than I had ever observed with him before — he was seen in the light of being a “family man” and it was like that somehow undid all of the apprehension or awkwardness or whatever people feel about this same person when he is alone in public and the gal was very friendly to him.

I don’t know what to make of it from a red pill or philosophical perspective, but I do think after seeing this that there is a “social proof” benefit to men for being part of a couple or part of a family in particular that single men may not have.

Not that it is a reason to be in a relationship only for this social salve, but it made me wonder if society extends perks to the “family man” that they do not to single men?

For example, I have heard male friends say promotions at work often go to men with families. Or that men with families get extra concessions that single men do not. I have also heard that men with what other men consider good wives and good families get social rank and are favored in the job market as well (Like Liz, she and their children reflect well upon her husband as a leader, because he is leading a successful family, people notice they “have it” and Mike benefits both professionally and socially for it).

Of course the other side of this is its unfair men who are single are possibly perceived differently and don’t have the same opportunities and advantages “family men” have.

Anyway this is kind of a half-baked post, I am just toying with the idea — is there a validation of coupledom effect, or not? Share examples where you have seen it to be so or not, and let me know what you think in the comments!

Don’t Let Little Things Become Big Things

11 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

break up, break ups, commitment, couples, dating, divorce, engagement, marriage, remarriage, romance

A friend of mine (who also happens to be a couples counselor) said something very wise as we talked about what makes marriages and relationships work or not — don’t let little things become big things.

For instance, disagreements about money or priorities or schedules or responsibilities, can easily get swept under the rug. The trouble is, if these little things don’t get worked out early on, they can pile up under that rug until soon the little things become big things.

The trouble then is that often grudges, resentment, and even anger can be so deeply set at that point, fixing the big thing is much harder than fixing the little thing.

He gave the example of a couple who ended up in his office supposedly because the wife wouldn’t learn how to hook the trailer onto the truck. Now it’s pretty obvious that is not a marriage deal breaker in most people’s minds, and it really wasn’t the deal breaker for them either. It was an example of a little thing that had turned into a big thing. (He helped them see it wasn’t about the trailer, it was about communication.)

Then, he gave an example of a little thing that didn’t turn into a big thing in his own 25 year marriage. When he and his wife were dating, she forgot something at his house and told him she would stop by the next night at 7:30 to pick it up. Well, 7:30 came and went, then 8:30, then 9:30. At 10, after he was in bed, the phone rang. He let the machine get it. Then, for the next three days he was “busy” so she couldn’t seem to reach him. On the fourth day she showed up at his house, profusely apologizing for not showing up a few days before. At that time, he accepted her apology, and asked her to always call if she was not going to meet him as planned in the future because in his relationships, not showing up and not calling was not acceptable. And he said in 25 years, it hasn’t happened since.

Early in a relationship, there is a tendency to not want to rock the boat, to let things slide. But according to him that’s how a lot of couples get into trouble down the road. Next thing they know it’s a few years later and all that bottled up stuff comes bursting out. Fixing things at that point is a lot harder, and sometimes not possible.

He also said he wishes more couples would see a couples therapist for a few sessions at the beginning of a serious relationship to explore the common and usual trigger points, rather than wait until big trouble arises to seek help. That way, little problems don’t become big problems, or if big problems start to emerge, the couple has someone they can turn to for help earlier rather than later.

I thought it was all good advice. Healthy communication, respect, clear expectations, and a little guidance from someone who isn’t emotionally involved all seemed like good baby steps in the right direction toward happily ever after.

Or said another way, when it comes to divorce, an ounce of prevention is worth a million pounds of cure.

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • August 2020
  • July 2020
  • June 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • April 2014

Categories

  • Faith
  • Fempire
  • Gender
  • parenting
  • Red Pill
  • Relationships
  • Sex and Such
  • Uncategorized

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy