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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: custody

Delivering the Red Pill?

29 Sunday Apr 2018

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 154 Comments

Tags

affair, affairs, break up, breakup, breakups, cheating, co-parenting, custody, divorce, frivorce, red pill, single parenting

In a previous post we discussed a couple with a young child at risk of divorce due to the wife’s Facebook affair(s?)

Much insightful advice was given for handling such a situation. I passed this info onto the husband’s parents and shared it had come from others who had been in their son’s shoes.

They especially liked the advice offered by Deti, and said they had seen a friend’s son do just that and had it work out for him very well.

The question they had, and requested I put to all of you for insight, was how to deliver this info to their son who does not seem to want to talk to his parents, or anyone, about what’s happening.

He seems to want to believe “it’s all fine” and “they are getting along better than ever” despite the fact that mutual friends say his wife is not only continuing to meet up with her Facebook friend, but takes their young daughter along on her trysts. These friends have seen photos of her and the child and the guy since this all came to light.

The son apparently is still defending his wife, and believing her cries that “everyone is picking on her” and “his family doesn’t like her.” They also worry it may be a pride thing, not wanting to admit the warnings of friends and family about his prospective bride were on track.

So I said I would ask. What approach would you take toward delivering some red pill advice to this young husband and father in a way he may be able to hear, and hopefully act upon, to protect himself and his young daughter from years of potential post-divorce drama-fueled toxic chain yanking ahead?

Please share in the comments any words of wisdom, advice, strategy, or links to blogs or websites that you feel may help.

(If you did not read the original post and comments, click on the link to the post in the first sentence above to get the backstory.)

Thoughts on Brangelina

26 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 54 Comments

Tags

affair, battle of the sexes, bradgelina, cheating, custody, divorce, Hollywood, red pill, relationship dynamics, single parenting

Regular commenter Fuzzie got me thinking when he said:

“Something about what Ame said bothered me and I can’t get to the bottom of it. One thing that has bubbled to the surface is that men are in no position to control or affect what goes on in a woman’s head. That goes further to explain why Angelina Jolie could dump Brad Pitt than red pill wisdom.”

I am not much of a pop culture person, but it’s hard to ignore when the latest is continually on the cover of tabloids as I stand in line at the grocery store.

First off, let’s look at the body language:

IMG_0252

In the photo with Jennifer, it’s clear who runs the show, and her emotions. He’s the one being adored, she’s doing the adoring. I bet she’s thinking, “Wow, I am the luckiest girl alive!” Note his devilish, “You know it!” demeanor. Alpha.

Now look at the image with Angelina. Who holds the cards here? She’s the eternal standoffish ice princess, and he looks worried and drained, somehow not pleasing her right or enough. See how his body language has transformed? Fear of loss. Beta.

Now these are just two photos but if one was to do a Google search, they are pretty representative.

At the time Brad and Angelina denied an affair, but years later they admitted it was hanky panky on the set of the movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith that started it all. Soon he left Jennifer utterly publicallyly humiliated, and then flaunted his new love. Soul mates, blah, blah, blah.

Then came the kids, in rapid succession. Both adopted and bio, the brood grew quickly and now Brad was in deep.

Angelina said in an interview how when their first bio child was born, a daughter, she couldn’t help but be appalled at her “privilege.” What an odd thing to say? That and the child has had her hair cut and has been dressed as a boy for long before it was likely the child’s choice. Odd.

Brad started to look more and more panicked as the years went on, and I could understand why. Angelina seemed to firmly run that show, Brad a mere appendage.

Their relationship broke many social norms at the time, and singlehandedly likely did more to move disposible commitments and children out of wedlock/babymommaism into the mainstream culture than anything ever had before. And it was all done so boldly, with no shame.

I imagine in time the truth behind the fairy tale love story act will come out. Perhaps in the form of a tell all book by one of the kids. But my guess is it won’t be good.

And despite all the proclamations that this was good progress, social norms best shattered in this modern age, guess what? It failed. Miserably. And with a nasty custody fight, complete with allegations that he was an abusive out of control brute.

It’s a good example of the difference in the relationship dynamics when he runs it versus when she does.

Moral of the story? Never stick your dick in crazy.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Considering Divorce? Try This.

03 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships, Uncategorized

≈ 50 Comments

Tags

commitment, custody, divorce, family law, red pill, remarriage, single parenting

A gal I know through work has been talking of getting a divorce as long as I have known her. And for as long as I have known her, I have been giving her good reasons why she may want to reconsider.

She’s 35, together 15+ years, married 10 years, has four children (two from a previous relationship, two with her husband.) The oldest is 19, the youngest is 8. She’s been a stay at home mom since they married with the odd job here and there. They aren’t wealthy but they have a nice life, their own home, and enough money to pay the bills each month.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying there is never a reason to divorce, but I have probed and asked and as far as I can see or she is telling me, she is not being abused, he’s not an addict, he isn’t cheating. He goes to work every day, comes home right after, tries to make her happy and provide the things she wants, and is a good father to their children.

So what is the problem? I have written about her situation before but in a nutshell it seems to be a combination of she is bored, she’s frustrated with her own life, she and her husband are engaged in an ongoing power struggle that is killing the relationship, and rather than take steps to remedy the situation she endlessly fantasizes about getting divorced, instead.

I have shared with her what a struggle it can be to be a single mom, to be solely responsible for the family finances, the family chores, and most of the childcare. It’s a stressful and uncertain life, and I often worry about what would happen to my family if something happened to me?

Yet, she still didn’t seem to be hearing any of that. Until another friend of hers sent her the link to a message board of women who are either going through the divorce process or who are recently divorced. I believe her friend thought this message board would help her figure out how to get a divorce too, but it has had the opposite effect.

She’s lurked for hours on the message board, reading the stories of these women and their experiences.

Instead last time I saw her, she admitted she’s not thinking divorce is the solution she once did. It seems after reading real life divorce tales firsthand, she’s decided she doesn’t want to put herself, her kids, or her family through that. And it seems reading about the marriage struggles and problems experienced by other women, her situation suddenly doesn’t seem nearly so bad by comparison.

Another version of this might be going down to the local courthouse and spending a day sitting in and listening to family court.

No marriage is perfect. No marriage is all upside with no negatives. And yes, some marriages are bad news. But many times divorce may not be needed and in fact may be more difficult than repairing fixable issues.

I am happy my friend is reconsidering. I think she’s making a wise choice. I hope she will now spend as much time thinking about how to make her marriage better (and doing those things) as she once did thinking about how she was going to get out of it.

 

Secrets of a Single Mom

17 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Uncategorized

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

custody, divorce, feminism, Insomnia, parenting, red pill, single mom

I have not gotten a solid 8 hours of sleep in years. Last night I got three. Interrupted twice by a three-year-old yelling, “mommy” from the other room. The alarm will go off in 10 minutes. Then my day will start. A flurry of getting school clothes and lunches packed and kids dropped off followed by somehow getting 12 hours of work done in a five hour window before school is over and the babysitter drops the kids back off. And oh yeah, I am sick. But it doesn’t matter because it’s all me. If I don’t do it, nobody will. Like the laundry, dishes, gardening, housecleaning. I do all that, too.  Yep. Living the glamorous life. The single independant woman.

Who needs a man? Like a fish needs a bicycle, right?

What a crock.

Let those who have ears hear.

Inside a World Without Feminism

12 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

beauty, break ups, casual sex, celibacy, co-parenting, courtship, custody, dating, divorce, faith, feminine, feminism, feminist, gender, gender roles, masculine, parenting, post-feminist, red pill, single parenting, traditional

Have you ever wondered what life might look like in a world untouched by feminism and the sexual revolution? As someone born after all that happened, I often wonder, were “the good old days” actually better, or are people remembering them with rose-colored glasses?

About three years ago, I hired a local 16-year-old girl to babysit my girls after school three days a week. S. and her family belong to a religious group similar to Amish (No TV, music, or Internet but electricity and cars and western clothing are ok). There is a fairly large group of folks in my area who are members of this group, but because they rarely mingle with “outsiders”  most people know little about the way they live or what they believe. But thanks to my relationship with S., I have been given a glimpse into this closed world, and it’s been fascinating.

The religion has its origins in Scandinavia and came to my area at the turn of the century when believers of this faith moved to the new world. Cut off from the church in Europe, this group is still practicing the faith as it was when they imported it over 150 years ago.

They have allowed some “modern conveniences” such as electricity, cell phones,  and automobiles, but shun media like television, music, and the Internet. They do not drink alcohol. Gender roles are very traditional, with men largely employed in the building trades and women taking care of the home and children. They marry young, right out of high school, and have large families, often numbering 10 children or more.

Women do not cut their hair and often wear it swept up in a messy bun. Make up is not allowed, although most of the girls really don’t need it, as they have this unique fresh scrubbed Scandinavian glowing beauty similar to this girl. Most are blue-eyed blondes, although there is a smattering of brunettes and red heads among them.

Prior to meeting S. I, like many “moderns,” had a lot of misconceptions about what life in this faith must be like. I imagined the women were uneducated, oppressed, unhappy, and trapped in a life toiling away in domestic drudgery. After all, how could they possibly be happy, my post-feminist worldviews told me?

But what I saw was something entirely different. S. was very education focused and had attended both public school and been home schooled at her own choice. (Many of the valedictorians at local high schools are girls of this faith.) At the time she started watching my girls, age 16, she was in a program that allowed her to attend community college during her junior and senior years of high school. She graduated with her high school diploma and her associates degree the same week. At 19, she is now one quarter away from completing her bachelor’s degree in early childhood education. She plans to operate an in home daycare.

In fact while many of the women in this faith don’t work outside the home, I have discovered that does not mean they aren’t entrepreneurial. Many work at home administrating their husband’s construction-related businesses, taking calls, scheduling estimates, keeping the books. Others are involved in the vintage flea market trade, buying and refinishing furniture sold through local antique shops. Yet others, like S., go into daycare.

Likewise their homes are cozy and well run. They seem to take a “busy hands, happy heart” approach to life, and rather than begrudge household chores, they seem to revel in them — taking joy in cooking, keeping and decorating house, and doing immaculate laundry. The women seem to have ample time to spend the afternoons visiting with each other, and their homes are a busy social setting with other ladies coming and going.

While motherhood and family are celebrated, in cases where a woman is unable to have children, they do not seem to be shunned or looked down upon. For example, one woman I know was diagnosed with leukemia during her first pregnancy and because of the treatments was only able to have the one child. She’s accepted in her community regardless, although many women of this faith do grieve deeply when their childbearing years come to an end, even after having as many as 13 children, because each child is seen as a bonus and a blessing rather than as a burden. I also know another woman of this faith who is less traditional, quietly practices birth control, and only has two children. She does not report anyone questioning her or judging her for not having more children.

Young adults (men and women) can also decide to leave the faith with their family’s blessings. Once married, however, very few divorce or leave the church. Couples are expected to make their marriages work, and even when unhappy, to find meaning or happiness otherwise and to honor their commitment. Divorce usually results in shunning by the entire church community, so the decision to divorce is not just about their spouse, it is a decision to divorce nearly everyone and everything they have ever known. (However, as a divorced single mom I have never felt judged by S. or her family, either. They have always treated me most graciously, with kindness and respect.)

While make up is discouraged, that does not mean the women are drab or without style. In fact they (and their children) are usually immaculately groomed and beautifully dressed in modest but flattering clothing made from high quality natural fiber, topped off with flair from colorful scarves, and stylish leather boots and bags. Despite the fact that these women are nearly continuously pregnant from the age of 19 on, it is rare for them to be overweight and curiously I almost never see them out and about when obviously pregnant.

The community seems to have a “clan” mentality. When S. married last winter, just weeks after turning 19, her new husband was given a job as an apprentice electrician in her Grandfather’s electrical company where chances are he will work for the rest of his life and perhaps someday become a partner. The clans work together to keep everyone working, and most families have all the trades needed in-house to build a home from bare ground to finished product. They help their own, securing work and jobs as a team. If I ever need a craftsman of any type, from drywall to paving to plumbing to electrical, all I have to do is ask S. and she has a reference for me in under 5 minutes. All of the craftsmen I have hired on her recommendation have done exquisite work and they are exceedingly honest, sticking to the original bid to the penny even if the job takes them longer than they thought.

On summer weekends, these clans can often be seen at local parks enjoying a day off. The women busy themselves with visiting and cooking elaborate spreads while the men relax and talk shop. The children run around in immense packs, and because almost every woman has 5 or more sisters as well as 5 or more sister in-laws, there is a many hands make light work approach. The unmarried young women oversee the young children. My children and I benefit by proxy, in the rare moment when I have a meeting or doctor appointment and S. is not available to watch my kids because of her school schedule or another commitment, she has three younger sisters who always are eager to help.

At her interview S. was a shy girl and it was a joy to watch her blossom into a confident young lady. I would guess she spent most of her babysitting money on clothing, and she was soon sporting a very stylish wardrobe purchased with her earnings. Unlike many 16-year-old girls, S. was not-self absorbed and immature, in fact quite the opposite. She always struck me as very mature and level-headed for her age.

About a year after S. started working for me, her parents started sending her on weekend trips to visit family located in other communities where this religious group has settlements. This is a common practice for young teens, and socials and other functions are held to facilitate the young people finding a mate. S. went but I could tell she was not really keen on these trips. I worried about her and we had several long talks about the importance of choosing a life mate carefully, and that while people were lucky if they met their person young, it was also ok if they didn’t, and that it happens when it happens, and I advised her not to do anything if her heart wasn’t in it.

I did not know it at the time, but her heart belonged to a boy she had wanted to date at 14, but her parents forbid it because they felt she was too young. Last she had heard, he was engaged to someone else. Then one day while driving one of her younger sisters home from babysitting, the sister excitedly told me they had reconnected at a church gathering, S. learned his fiance had broken off the previous engagement, and S.’s parents had now given him permission to court her. The girl who was opposed to courting was suddenly gung ho, and she glowed with happiness as she told me of him and their (very chaste and well supervised) dates.

Within a few months they were engaged and a few months after that they married. My mom remarked she hoped S. would be “more modern” and put off starting a family. I secretly hoped she would not. She looked different the first day she returned to work after marrying, she had gone from being a girl to a woman and she shyly joked her husband was hoping they had conceived on their wedding night. While it didn’t happen that quickly, it wasn’t long before she told me she was expecting and their son will arrive in December, right before their first wedding anniversary. Her husband literally beamed with pride when I congratulated him on the pending arrival.

From what I have observed, S. is a very happily married woman and she is excited about her future. While we have not discussed it yet, I have a feeling her next youngest sister will be taking over as my babysitter and S. will be staying at home with her infant while she finishes her last year of college and starts her in home daycare.

Like the other women of her clan, she will celebrate each stage of her life as a woman as it comes. She’s been a girl, and a young women. Now she is a wife and soon to be a young mother. In time, she will become a matriarch, grandmother to her own children’s children. At a recent clan gathering for a woman from the church in her 80s, an amazing 200+ descendants from this one woman (!) gathered around her to celebrate and honor her life.

I wish S. all the happiness in the world and I feel very fortunate to know her and to have been given a peek into her world. While it might not be for everyone, from where I sit it has a lot of advantages over the very different uncertain and undefined world I have experienced as a woman, and I think for her at least, it’s a perfect fit.

So there it is, a peek inside a world without feminism.

What do you think? How does this world sound to you? Better than life for a typical American young girl? Why or why not?

Beware The Greener Grass

30 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

break ups, co-parenting, commitment, custody, dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

I have been meaning to write this post for some time but have not felt I had the time needed to devote to covering it properly. Well, I still don’t but now I figure I am just going to write something and then I can always flesh it out more in another post because ladies I feel this really this needs to be said: Beware the greener grass.

By greener grass I mean the thinking that getting a divorce is the solution when a marriage struggles, or that struggle is some kind of a “sign” that it’s time to divorce. That life would be better if you got a divorce.

Now that said, I do believe there are some circumstances where divorce is *sometimes* the best option (mainly when there is abuse/addiction/adultery), but even in those cases I have known and seen couples overcome these challenges and end up with a stronger better marriage for it. So even these are not necessarily insurmountable.

But getting back to the greener grass, I would say that a fair amount of the 50% of couples who divorce probably COULD have worked through their issues and ended up in a better place and with the personal growth and knowledge doing so would have led to.

But in our society, what I see is that women are far more supported to leave a marriage than to work on one. The message that “When you aren’t happy, it’s time to move on” is just far too common. And guess what? A lot of time that “not-happy” has little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with your own inner self. In these cases, divorce is not going to solve the issue. It will be there again in the next relationship.

If there *is* a next relationship, that is. According to the statistics, for as many as six in ten divorced women over a certain age, they might end up single indefinitely. This post from a male blogger sums all that data up.

So if you are a lady considering a divorce, I hope you will pause and reconsider. I hope my encouraging you to stick it out will help counter all those “go girl!” voices saying divorce is the answer. (And if you are a man considering divorce, I hope you’ll do the same.)

Because I can tell you, seven years after my own divorce, the grass isn’t greener.

I’ll spare you the nitty gritty but in short, I had every reason to get divorced. My ex was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, cold, withdrawn. Then one night, during a stupid argument that was really about a lot more, he raised his hand like he was about to smack me, then instead he threw a beer in my face and shoved me out of the house without our then two-year-old daughter (luckily sleeping at the time) and would not let me back in. I slept at my girlfriend’s house. That night was, in my mind, after 10 years, the final straw.

Good choice, some would say. Heck even if someone told me that story, I might say, “You did all you could. Time to go, girl.”

But what I know now that I did not know then is that he was hurting, badly. For one, he was in deep grief. He had a son from a previous girlfriend and she abruptly moved out of state, breaking all contact with him and his son shortly after we married. (Another long story but because his name was not on the birth certificate, he had no legal rights, or so we thought at the time, but looking back, I am not so sure.) And he was stuck in a dead-end, soul sucking job that he hated. He was deeply, profoundly unhappy and I believe all that was a big part of the drinking and all the rest, not that it made any of that right.

However I will also admit (painfully) that I wasn’t there for him in that time of need, I was not empathetic to what he was going through nor did I offer him much support. Instead, I selfishly focused on what I wasn’t getting, how it was all affecting ME. I picked fights. I threw fits. I made demands. Me, me, me. By focusing on myself instead of on US, I missed the bigger picture. And that I believe was the mistake I made. Had I done differently, perhaps it all would have gone down differently. I’ll never know. And that not knowing haunts me.

He’s quit drinking since and has a new job where he is valued and respected for his skills. He recently remarried. He’s reconnected with his now grown son. He seems happy. And I hope that he is. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had waited a little longer, been more understanding, been more constructive, built up my house rather than tear it down with my own hands.

Water the grass you’ve got. That would be my advice.

Let those who have ears hear.

Kids Need Their Dads

15 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

child support, co-parenting, custody, divorce, red pill, relationships, single dad, single mom

Ladies, if you have kids and are not with their dad for whatever reason, are you making sure your children’s relationship with their dad continues even if your relationship with him does not?

I hope so, because your kids need their dad. And way too many women make the mistake of pushing him out either out of anger or just because they themselves don’t want to deal with him anymore, but this is a really, really shortsighted and selfish thing to do.

In fact, experts say there are very few situations where either parent should be denied regular time with their children. Kids need both parents, ideally together but if that simply is not possible, then separately. And without ongoing conflict, anger, or bad-talking of either parent. It takes a lot of maturity to co-parent in a healthy way that puts your kids needs over your own, but it is well worth it for their sake.

I know this because I grew up without my dad, who died in a car accident when I was two and my brother was four. We each missed having our dad in different ways, and at many points. Even today, some 40 years later, I still feel and grieve that loss. It’s never “over.” That void is always there, even more so on days like Father’s Day, or when I see a bride walked down the aisle, or do a father-daughter dance. Many times I find the grief is right there, ready to pop out when I least expect it.

Now in my case, there was no option. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that my father was out there somewhere and I just wasn’t getting to see him, or worse was being told he didn’t want to see me. I do know people in this situation and most have as adults reconnected with their fathers despite their mother’s wishes, and in the cases where mom shoved dad out, they harbor real and lasting anger at their moms because of it.

When a relationship between parents ends, so should the fighting and bickering and anger. If you can’t do it, have someone else manage visitation drop offs and pick ups for you until you can. I have many times witnessed a child standing to the side while their mom and dad stand and argue with each other and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Just don’t.

And don’t make shit up. And don’t play games. And don’t stir the pot.  Just let it go. Be the bigger person. Show your kids the high road by always taking it yourself. Be that person they desperately need to look up to.

And don’t hold money over his head in exchange for time, keep money and time separate issues, not discussed in front of your children. In fact, remember that little ears hear everything, so never bad talk the other parent around your kids, and don’t let other people do it either because your kids are half that person, and if they keep hearing that person is bad, they will think they are half bad, too.

Trust me, your kids need their dad. If he’s out there and wants to be a part of their life, please, let him be. They need him.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

What Is The Manosphere?

09 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire, Gender, Red Pill

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

custody, dating, divorce, feminism, fempire, manosphere, marriage, men's rights, mtgow, paternity, PUA, red pill, relating, women's rights

Recent events have increased awareness of a small corner of the virtual and real world known as “the manosphere.” But what is the manosphere? And what is it all about?

Loosely, as I understand it, the manosphere is a collection of blogs and websites created by men for men where they can discuss issues men face. The topics and content of these websites varies widely, and some are even in direct opposition to each others espoused philosophy or understanding on a certain issue (the most controversial as far as the main stream media likely would be where the manosphere intersects with the female world, and opinions about dating, love, sex, and relationships are the topic.)

While the manosphere is predominately male, that does not mean it is made up of men all in complete agreement with each other or in agreement of any one certain point of view.

Some examples of sub groups within the manosphere include (but are not limited to):

  • Married men talking to other married men about marital issues
  • Single men talking to other single men about issues surrounding dating, relating, and marriage
  • Men talking to other men interested in a lifestyle that does not involve marriage, and in some cases does not involve women romantically  at all
  • Single dads talking to other single dads about parenting and legal issues
  • Men of all relationship status talking to each other about issues men face in general
  • Men interested in discussion of men’s legal rights such as paternal rights, divorce law, sexual harassment laws, and the like
  • Men talking to other men about “guy stuff” like sports, hunting, fishing, motorcycles, fitness, career, self-improvement, and the like
  • Blogs written by women in reaction to or in support of men’s issues and how they impact women and relationships (some in the manosphere would consider these websites outside of the manosphere, not a part of it, as they are not written by men for men.)

And more…

Are men in the manosphere occasionally angry or bitter? Yes. Do some of these men who are angry and bitter have just cause to be angry and bitter? Yes.  Are all men in the manosphere angry and bitter? No.

Is everything written in the manosphere fact? No. Are facts discussed and debated? Yes. Is everything said in the manosphere truth? No. Is the truth discussed and debated? Yes. Do some men in the menosphere hold negative views of women or more specifically feminism? Yes. Do all men in the manosphere have a negative view of women? No. Do men in the manosphere sometimes say shocking things or express views other than the social norm? Yes. Do all men in the manosphere say shocking things or express views other than the social norm? No.

The manosphere is not a hate group, or a terrorist group, or even a cohesive single organization, as it has been portrayed by some in the main stream media.

Put another way, if men getting together and discussing topics important to men seems threatening, one should question whether women getting together to talk to other women about issues important to women is threatening? If they cannot say yes to the latter, they cannot in good consciousness say yes to the former.

In short, the manosphere is men talking to other men about being a man, on the Internet or in person at workshops and conferences. It is a loosely formed male community united around their common identity of being male. It is nothing more, nothing less.

The manosphere is actually really interesting.

Let those who have ears hear

 

 

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