Tag Archives: dating after divorce

Put Yourself in His Shoes

27 Wednesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Relationships

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So often when I hear women talking of finding a guy they are quick to list all of the many qualities and requirements they want — the must-have list.

Naturally the list of often quite demanding. She only wants the best, after all!

Often if I ask her what she has to offer, I am met with a confused look and radio silence. Big mistake.

A woman who is serious about meeting and marrying a guy who is what every other gal also hopes to find would be foolish not to put herself in his shoes and consider if she is what a guy such as that would be seeking? Does she even know what that is?

And as many guys like that readily admit, the answer is usually, “No.”

Add to that the legal environment is not set up to favor, much less equally protect, him in the case of divorce and child custody, combined with a lifetime of observing this harsh reality in the lives of the men around them, such men today are even more wary of becoming a husband and father.

So he’s facing a dating pool of women who eagerly rattle off checklists of all he must be and do, who at the same time have little to no understanding of what he wants or needs, and meanwhile his odds are the same as flipping a coin that if he marries and has kids that he’ll end up in divorce court vs. that lasting a lifetime. Can you see why he may not be saying, “Sign me up!”

One can dismiss this inconvenient truth all she likes, blame his commitment phobia, or demand he needs to, “Man up!” But guess what? That’s not going to get her any closer to her goal.

A savvy gal instead becomes singleminded in figuring out what a guy like that is looking for and does all she can to develop herself and those qualities. The earlier in life she does this, the better.

Such women are exceedingly rare, some might call them unicorns. But in that rareness they stand out like a precious jewel — the kind of woman every guy is looking for.

See how that’s a two-way street? Yep.

Let those who have ears hear!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Dating Is Expensive

11 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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I have a friend who once complained when a man she met online planned a relatively inexpensive outing for their second date.

Instead of embracing a fun and creative day, she pouted the whole date and (surprise) wasn’t asked out on a third.

Dating is expensive, especially if he’s picking up the tab. Being mindful of that, and even suggesting fun but low cost date ideas yourself, is a good way to stand out from the entitled princess types and demonstrate you’ve got LTR partner potential.

Yes, dinners out at the best places in town are nice, but a gal who expects nothing less on every outing may find herself soon wondering why he never called again.

Oh and be sure to say, “Thank you.” A guy once told me it’s surprising how many women don’t, and when it happened, he would not call them back.

What do you think about the economics of dating? Please share in the comments!

Ghosts From the Past

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Much has been said in the manosphere about the Alpha widow — the gal who aimed out of her league and forever after longs for the one(s) who got away. Usually with disastrous consequences for any who follow.

Tonight, as I watched Dancer and her guy interact, and her reaction as he once again brought up his ex in conversation in a wistful way, it made me wonder if there is a male equivalent? An Alphette widow? And if such a thing exists, what does that look like? Is it the gal who was crazy good in bed (and crazy BPD otherwise) that sticks in his memory, or is it the one who captured his heart?

In either case, is there any cure? Or is everyone involved simply doomed?

What do you think on this topic of “ghosts from the past” who haunt long into the future? Please share in the comments!

Beware “Friendly” Advice

29 Thursday Jun 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Prior to the red pill, I would listen to advice from friends that I now can see was anything but “friendly” advice. Not that they meant to give me bad advice on purpose, I am sure, but in the end it was bad advice no matter what the intent. It’s something to be on guard against in your own life, too.

Well meaning blue pill people often give absolutely horrible advice, especially when it comes to relationships. I was more often encouraged to leave my marriage than to work on it, was told behavior was abusive and controlling when in retrospect I can now see that it was not, that being divorced would not be so bad, that when things weren’t easy it was better to just start over, and other complete nonsense.

As I touched on in my last post, even today people are all too eager to spout the blue pill party line at me, under the guise of  “friendly” advice. I am sure such people may mean well, but are blind themselves to just how brainwashed they are to see everything as abuse, control, and a red flag.

These days I am very careful who I take advice from. Unless they themselves are in a healthy, happy, functional relationship, I choose to say, “thanks but no thanks.” Because if they aren’t living it themselves, how could they possibly give good advice?

Likewise, beware the “hen sessions” made up of girls complaining about their lives and relationships. Such discussions will only leave you feeling dissatisfied, when in reality you are maybe just absorbing the toxic spew of others. Sadly, in my experience, church bible study groups often devolved into little more than a gripe session, and were often the worst.

Thank to the red pill, I am no longer buying such advice and my life is much better off for it!

What do you think? Have you ever been the victim of bad “friendly” advice?

 

 

Beta Orbiters from the Gal Side

22 Wednesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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You may recall I have written about Vixen, my former neighbor before, and an update, and her latest… Well this morning I talked to her and probed further to try and understand why the Alpha/beta orbiter thing, and by golly I think I may have struck a red pill goldmine! New data to fold in, in any case, hopefully.

(Male readers: Please keep in mind the following is examined from the FEMALE pov. What I would advise the men in this situation, or what men would advise them, likely would be, “Next!” And I get that. I feel for these guys involved, I truly do! I am just trying to explain the “why” of female behavior from the gal side, which may help men understand it better too, but please know I am NOT saying it is good or right gals do this. To clarify. )

Short story, she’s been torn between two guys for several years: One is an Alpha who she chases, one is a beta who chases her. Both are intelligent, successful, and good looking guys. However her playing the fence is damaging the chances of relationship success with either suitor by the day. So why does she do it?

It’s an ancient female mindset, and a part of hypergamy, to always have a plan B, and C if needed. Aka the beta orbiter. Why? Life is historically precarious for a woman, especially a woman with small children, as her man may go off to war or off to hunt and never return. (Life as a man is obviously risky as well, in a more direct way, by no means minimizing that.)

She really wants the Alpha, but he won’t fully commit to her (and maybe for good reason!) This leaves her feeling unsafe. So she keeps the beta orbiter close by, in case Alpha bails. Beta orbiter is a real steady Eddie, willing to watch her kids, pay for their dance lessons, pay her bills, the works. Before the unplanned (or was it?) pregnancy with Apha, I highly advocated she forget Alpha and go for the beta orbiter, who I believe is a far better bet if what she needs is a family man. He’s actually far better looking, far more interesting and intelligent, and so on as well. The better “catch” imho, except despite me advising him not to be, he’s just too darn available! And that turns her off.

Meanwhile the Alpha remains just out of reach. He’s told her he would marry her and take care of her in a minute, IF she knocks off the beta orbiter thing and adopts HIS frame. But she isn’t sure… will he? Can she trust him? After all, he’s got “options” and has shown he’s willing to walk if needed. (Ironically this is exactly what draws her in, if he was too available, he’d be a deta orbiter in her mind, and she’d likely seek another Alpha. Complex, I know!)

And so it goes round and round. I suggested she completely cut off contact with the beta orbiter, because he undermines her relationship with the Alpha and is a BIG reason things aren’t progressing to a commitment. She really needs to choose. And to PROVE herself worthy of commitment!

Add to that, the wall approaches and I pointed this out to her today. Don’t waste precious time, I suggested. Get this figured out NOW, don’t wait until you are 50.  (She’s 41, I believe.)

She saw the sense in all this, when I explained the concepts. I truly believe she herself does not understand how her feminine imperative is pushing her to do things that are not helping, but actually hurting her chances of success. One must recognize the self-sabatoge hypergamy can cause, and why women play these games, to overcome them.

She said it was because Alpha isn’t local, as his job requires him to be onsite in a remote location (and pays much more b/c of that.) To this I called BS. I am in a long distance relationship myself, which she is seeing is working very well for me now that I am red pill savvy enough to “get” what I need to give and be to have that successful long distance relationship.  But as I told her, he’ leave me in a MINUTE if I played the games she is, and so I simply don’t. He’s way too good to me for me to ever even think of risking that! Because of him, my life now works in ways it never could have without him, and I feel safe. It’s a choice, I told her. If she wants what she sees I have, then she needs to accept his frame and the job situation.

Anyway, I hope Vixen will consider all this and for her baby boy’s sake, do what the Alpha demands, make him cookies, and nurtures that relationship with all she has. And most of all gives him one of the biggest things a gal can give a man — LOYALTY. Commit to him or he will never commit to you!

We’ll see… you can lead a horse to water but… I hope to God she DRINKS!!!! (I’d force her to drink if I could but she needs to see it on her own and do so willingly, darn it!)

What do you think? Have you seen women do this? Please share in the comments…

Life After Frivorce

17 Sunday May 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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A few days ago, a friend of a friend who I have seen around town here and there stopped in to visit. We got to talking and she shared her very sad story of her frivorce — and how very much she regrets it now.

They married young, had children, she was a happy stay at home wife and mom. As her kids got closer to leaving the nest, she started ruminating on what she would do with the next stage of her life. She was bored. Angsty. She met some new single gal pals and started hanging out with them, going out dancing and hanging out with them on “girl’s night” at bars.

She said at the time she felt these women cared about her, supported her, wanted her to be happy. They started to question her marriage, plant seeds of doubt that she was truly as happily married as she thought. The more time she spent with them, the more disgruntled about her marriage and husband she became.

She says now she believes what they really wanted was to drag her down into their misery. They weren’t happy after their divorces, weren’t finding dating to be as fun as they thought it would, and were basically a bunch of 50-some-year-old alcoholics, living pretty pathetic lives but acting as if they had it all.

Sadly, she sees this now, three years later, but at the time their “herd” mentality had a powerful influence on her and she started to put her new friends ahead of her husband and children. After one too many nights of her out at the bar and saying she’d “be home soon” he showed up to drive her home. She’d had too much to drink and an argument ensued. He tried to lead her out, and she cried “abuse!” Her new friends backed up her claim, and he spent the night in jail, was put on probation for a year, even when she recanted the tale. Too late. Their marriage was over.

I remember seeing her out and about over the past few years, at happy hours, all dressed up with shimmery makeup, waiting to meet yet another online date. At first she said she found this new freedom exciting, but after far too many bad dates it wore thin. Her new friends also lost their shine, and once she was single as well, they turned on her, considering her competition.

She met a man she thought was “the one,” sold her house, and moved to another town, only to find he changed his mind and left her shortly after. At 57 she is now alone, and barely making it month to month.

As she sat there telling me this sad tale, I could tell she would give anything to take it all back, to grow old with her faithful and loyal man. But despite her many apologies and trying to win him back, he’s not interested. (I advised her to keep trying, be open to him as long as she is alive and to be patient, maybe if she is lucky he will forgive her. And to realize it was a lot to ask.) Her children (three boys) also barely talk to her, and when her son married last weekend, she was not invited to be involved in the wedding or rehearsal dinner. Her sons would not dance with her at the reception.

She asked me to share this story in hopes that perhaps it would help another woman avoid the same fate. Her advice learned the hard way? Don’t do what she did. Don’t be like her. Avoid women who don’t support your marriage, nurture your relationship, don’t frivorce because you are “unhaaaaapy” or think the grass is greener. It isn’t. It’s astroturf.

Let those who have ears hear.