Tag Archives: dating

Young Love

24 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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This weekend I met a couple who revealed they were on the way to meet his parents. I congratulated them and wished them well. Then I just had to know, “So, tell me how this all began…”

They blushed and then said they had met online. I asked which site, just curious what seemed to be working these days. They hemmed and hawed, said it was embarrassing, and then admitted it was Tinder!

Oh dear. The story deepened. Turned out they had met just a week ago and were so swept up in each other he’d met her family the day before, and meeting his was next on the list.

It is hard to guess ages but I would say she was mid 20s and he was early 30s. Both were good looking and they seemed well matched. A dashing pair.

I overheard them talking about logistics, including his bringing up the idea of a prenup, which she initially opposed and then supported. Things seemed tense for a moment, but then they got past it.

I worried they are diving in, but then I do know a few couples who met and within a week were thick as thieves and are still happily married to this day. Or it could go just the opposite, hard to say.

Will they make it to the alter? Who knows. Maybe someday I will bump into them again and find out?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Verify Then Trust

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Long ago, a noted manosphereain gave me this good advice when evaluating new love or other more platonic interests (like new friends, coworkers, and such): Verify then trust.

In other words, give things some time, slow it down intentionally, let people show you who they are. People may be able to sustain their best behavior for a short time, but if they have ill intent, they will simply bounce to an easier mark than prove up.

People who do have good intent will not even question you verifying it. They have nothing to lose, there is no act. It would not even occur to them.

People who question it or try to make you feel bad about it — no matter how many sad stories of being the innocent wronged they can tell to justify this  (Red flag right there! Never wrong? Always wronged? Time and again? Really???) beware.  Reasonable and good boundaries avoid problems, they don’t create them. If someone has problems with such, take it as a sign.

Verify THEN trust. Not trust THEN verify. Good advice for anyone navigating life. It will never do you wrong, and it can head off all sorts of trouble.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Is Her Picker Broken? Or Is It Her?

01 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A comment by regular “Love” a few posts back got me thinking about the idea of a gal having, “a broken picker.” What I mean by that is when a gal keeps picking the same kind of guys and keeps getting poor relationship results. Or maybe it’s not that she’s got a broken picker, but that’s she’s simply broken?

“Love” brought up this interesting idea in the comments a few posts back about one reason women (and men) may find themselves in relationships that go nowhere and end badly over and over again — is because maybe they are either consciously or subconsciously picking partners who are unable to give commitment or true intimacy, and this in turn allows the gal in question to avoid her own commitment and intimacy issues, while conveniently being able to blame the guy or culture and cry, “victim!”

It is an interesting idea and one I had not considered before — what if it’s not just bad luck, a bad choice, or a con job? What if it’s not because she’s naive, or being manipulated, or mislead, or “doesn’t get it.” What if it’s not the what things have changed with dating and marriage, or the culture, or due to today’s bad relationship advice? What if in fact she’s actually picking the types of guys who cannot and will not commit and who are unable to truly give or receive intimacy because she herself can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to either?

I know one such gal, I’ve written about my former neighbor Vixen before.  As long as I have known her, her relationship choices have puzzled me. She always has a lot of guy drama and frankly the guys she chooses never seem to be “commitment” types. So they do this dance where she says all she wants is commitment, but her actions are doing everything to ensure that even if a non-commit guy starts to change his mind,  no guy in his right mind would go there. But to hear her tell it, THEY are to blame. It’s always some story of a guy (or guys) doing her some huge injustice and how all she wants is to settle down and be with someone.

I think “Love” may have finally solved the puzzle — I think Vixen herself is unable to commit, unable to truly stop playing the dating game, unable to be faithful or true, and deep down doesn’t want the level of relationship where she would have to give up the games and actually fly straight. She doesn’t want a “real” relationship because she doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone, meet any expectations, or be a real life partner.

Well, I suppose that is a choice and if so maybe she should just get real about it, drop the victim act, and admit she’s choosing this. She’s choosing it by the types of guys she dates. She’s choosing this by the way she acts while she’s dating them. And she chooses this every time she sabotages relationships that start to go toward stability and commitment.

Vixen is still good looking enough and charming enough to get attention from the types of guys she wants attention from. Sure, it may not be for long, but it is still there. However what I can see that she seemingly does not is that window is closing. It won’t be too long from now that she will go from the hot girl at the bar to the bar fly.

In addition, right now she makes a living cleaning houses, and that combined with child support and govt. assistance pays the bills. But as her kids grow up and move out, her chronic back injury starts bothering her more and more, and she can’t do the physical labor she does now (or doesn’t want to) then what? She has no other job skills, no savings, no retirement, no assets whatsoever to sell or liquidate.

Maybe she could live with her kids? Well, sadly and not surprisingly, considering the drama soaked environment they have been raised in, they are not doing too well themselves. The oldest is in middle school but acts far older and is very much following in her mother’s footsteps by making boy drama and manipulating boys with her looks, figure, and charm the main focus of her life.  The younger sister is sullen and withdrawn, spending hours alone by herself, locked up in her room. I wonder how and when the feelings she has locked inside will come out and what the result will be? The youngest, a two-year-old boy, seems oblivious for now but it can’t be good for him to the the center of all the fighting and power struggles with his father and the other guys in and out of the picture, something Vixen doesn’t try to shield him or the older two from.  I wonder if her kids will even talk to her once they grow up?

Anyway, it’s not really about her, but I do think her story is an example of the kind of gal “Love” described in her comment — she’s a Skittles girl who goes for cads. The results are predictable, but somehow and on some level it seems to be working for her enough that she’s not making any changes. And even if she did, at this point, wouldn’t any sane, stable, solid guy just hear her stories and RUN?

I know I stopped being able to take the roller coaster several years ago, and while I hear from her from time to time, I don’t seek her out socially or get our kids together anymore because I don’t want them exposed to that. Plus,  I want to and am taking a different path myself.

In any case, “Love’s” comment got me thinking, perhaps many of these gals who are unlucky in love, with lots of sad stories, and many failed relationships are not victims at all — but are actually choosing their lot? Or if not choosing it, refusing to look at why their picker seems to be broken and what they could do about that?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Water The Grass

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Its so easy in a long term relationship or a marriage to slip into a place where one takes it for granted.

Doing so is a big mistake though. Too often couples who do so slip into complacency, and then one or the other disengages.

Maintenance is always easier than digging out.

Think of it like a garden. One gardener spends 10-20 minutes a day wedding, watering, looking for problems, tackling them when they are small. The little daily effort adds up, keeping everything looking great with seemingly little effort.

Compare that to the person who only takes action when things have gotten out of hand. The grass is yellow. The weeds are waist high. The bushes and trees have overgrown into a jumbled mess. This garden will take hours and hours of work to reclaim. And because some of the neglect has led to problems not easily reversed (lack of regular pruning allowed some things to grow the wrong way or too big, and even with pruning they will never be quite right, or plants have died from lack of water.) It’s possible to recover such a garden, but it will probably never be as good as it could have been, or look as tidy as the one maintained all along.

Most of the time good things don’t “just happen.” Good things are often born of lots of little good decisions and actions leading to success.

Beware neglecting your relationship until the weeds are knee deep. Instead, spend a little time every day doing positive things that will help it grow and flourish.

The greener grass is the grass that gets watered.

What do you think? Do you have tips for maintaining relationship health? Do you have stories of what happens when things aren’t maintained? Please share in the comments!

Skittles Guy

18 Sunday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Shortly after my guy and I started dating, an 8 pound bag of skittles arrived by mail. It was a gag gift, based on the game advice to, “Be a Skittles Guy.”

Of course in this case it was a joke between two red pill types, but I do have to say by the time they were gone, my girls and I were skittles-proof. If we never eat another Skittles again, we’d be OK with it.

The Skittles Guy concept is based off a story of a gal who complained online how bad her jerk boy lover was to her, he was mostly only interested in booty calls, would disappear for stretches of time only to explain when he resurfaced that he, “was busy,” and never gave her anything but a bag of skittles. Despite this, she was upset he’d decided to end things!

I have seen acquaintances in such relationships (if one could call them that) in real life and the dynamic can be irrationally strong. Gals will cling to guys who give next to nothing in return. Hope it will turn into more. Will jump through hoops to be with him. Will often have sad stories of broken plans and ways he’s wronged her, yet she continues. If she asks for more, Skittles Man usually vanishes rather than changes his ways or puts a ring on it.

Women in such situations often view themselves as the victim, the injured or wronged party. But are they? Or are their own choices leading to their outcomes?

My advice would be to beware getting involved with Skittles Guy in the first place. If you already are in such a relationship recognize this and break it off so you can find more. Or if you choose to continue, own it and realize you are agreeing to the deal, you are not a powerless victim.

Maybe the Skittles Guy is a bad guy, maybe not. That’s kind of irrelevant versus seeing he is who he is. And understanding that no matter what one sees in the movies, Skittles Guys do not magically and suddenly turn into something else. Maybe someday he will be in a place where he’s looking to commit, but if he’s not doing it already, it’s not now and it’s not with you. That’s the reality.

If you don’t take my word for it, here’s an excellent post by a guy explaining the price of being tied up with a Skittles Guy if what you really want is something more.

Life is a series of choices leading to good things or bad things. Choose wisely.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Target Your Audience

16 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A recent post at another blog got me thinking about how so many young women today who say they want marriage and family may not be putting out the right message with their image.  It’s really important to know and target one’s audience.

Girls today are taught to be bold, fearless, sexy, hot, strong, independent, fun, fit, lean, and fierce. Many work hard to meet those goals, and post images of the results of their workouts for the world to see on social media. Sultry bikini model image? Check!

It seems to work, such images get lots of clicks and likes and comments which only reinforces to the girl she’s on the right track. Attention! So she posts more, and it becomes a self-affirming loop.

Except the Internet is forever, and let’s face it potential dates (and later their families) are going to later Google those same images. Nights out drinking with the girls. Sultry sexy barely clad shots. Sad breakup shot after sad breakup shot. Through the marriage lens, the fun time party girl is starting to look like a real train wreck…

A woman seeking marriage would be wiser to put out a completely different image — wholesome, chaste, domestic, nurturing, loves animals and children, does and says the right things, has it together, NOT a train wreck, someone you’d proudly bring home to meet mom (and not worry about what she’s going to wear, do, or say!) These are really the qualities a man is looking for in a wife, even if it seems like times have changed.

(And hopefully it goes w/o saying don’t just look it, do your best to BE and develop all those qualities. Your life will be happier and better, trust me! Pain is overrated.)

It’s ok to be a touch sexy, and every guy wants a gal who is a secret sex kitten behind closed doors, but a gal with an overly sexy image more likely catches the eye and gets approached by caddish guys looking to “hit it and forget it” than by the solid-but-steady type who would make a fine husband but thinks to himself, “Danger! Risk! Not worth it! Look but don’t touch.”

Target your audience ladies! And don’t forget, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior — make sure your social media isn’t unintentionally sending the wrong signals. Future bar fly is not what men seek in a mate or the mother of their children. So keep it classy!

Put yourself in your audience’s shoes. How others perceive you, especially at first glance, can both work for or against your goals. Consciously make sure it’s working in your favor. Set yourself up to win.

What do you think about all this? Please feel free to share in the comments!

Bridge the Gap

10 Saturday Feb 2018

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Tonight I was reading a blog post by a gal who is waiting for her devinely appointed other half to find her.

She seems like a genuinely great gal, has her head on straight, shows many signs of good wifely character. She’s attractive and well dressed. The images she posts of her home show a lovely tidy space. And she’s home on weekends with candles and a book rather than hitting all the party spots.

And yet I found myself thinking maybe she’s being a little bit passive about this. Especially as the third decade nears. Trust me, I do believe in the Devine, but I also believe God helps those who help themselves.

Gals today may not realize it yet, but thanks to lots of reasons, many men today aren’t even seeking marriage. By 30-some they have either seen too many marriages not work out, their own marriage didn’t work out, they have been burned by too many gals passing them over for the chance at a bigger fish, or they are that bigger fish and are too busy and too used to playing the game to settle down.

All this boils down to a gal understanding that she may need to bridge the gap. Let friends and family know she’s looking, make herself available at locations where marriage minded type guys might be, and to be friendly and open to guys who approach. And very key, instead of looking for reasons to rule guys out, she should start to look for the good things about the guys she does meet. Reasons to rule him in.

At the same time when she does meet a guy, she should be clear she’s marriage minded not just dating to date, conciously be displaying marriage qualities, wife qualities, how she potentially adds value. Don’t be one of those gals with lots of attitude and a “perfect guy” list of all he will do for HER a mile long.

From what I see, this gal would make a good candidate. I hope she still seeks heavenly guidance first and foremost, but also gets a bit more proactive in her search.

I’d link to her blog but I think better to not. That way it keeps the discussion general rather than about this particular gal herself.

What do you think? What advice would you give to a gal seeking marriage today? What’s a good game plan, if any? Please feel free to share in the comments!

Choose to Follow

29 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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It’s a controversial topic, submission, but one worth talking about more often because it’s so misunderstood.

When many people hear the word submission today, they often think oppression or abuse. But in reality it’s anything but.

True submission is a CHOICE, not something imposed or forced upon anyone. It’s the choice to follow, not lead.

And it’s not just a female-male thing. Men actually submit to recognizing a hierarchy and following the recognized leader all the time. In the military or at work, for example. Even in casual situations, an AMOG (Alpha man of the group) surfaces and the men all seem to intuitively know where they fit in the order. When they don’t, bad things can happen and AMOG may be established with posturing or even by physical force. Bar fights are an easy example of this.

Women are the ones who seem to struggle with the concept more. Women’s minds seem to function more in a “let’s all be on the same level and all have an equal say” way. This likely comes from a biological place, as in ancient times women most likely lived in villages with the young and the old and other women and things were always a collaboration/negotiation. This approach can be a strength, but not when it comes to recognizing leadership.

I have countless times observed women in a work setting, for example, not getting in step with or openly subverting their team leader or manager rather than recognizing who the leader is and choosing to follow direction. It can cause lots of problems when this happens.

The same can be said in a family. When there is no clear leader, there can be much chaos. The women I know who struggle most or are least happy in their marriages are often also fighting to have equal say or more often to be calling the shots.

If you had asked me in my youth, when I was blue pill, I likely would have argued that marriage should be 50/50 and all should have a say and so on. I believed that in my own marriage and many times actively went against my now ex-husband in decisions on finances or other matters. And you know what? Looking back I can see he was right and had I listened we (and I) would have been ahead had I gone along rather than fought for my own way. There were many cringeworthy moments.

For example, at one job I got 1000 stock options for $1 each. At one point they were worth over $100 each. My husband advised I cash out. I refused, believing it would go higher. Within a week they were at $45 a share. He advised I sell, as it was dropping fast. I refused. I held those darn options right down to $4 a share. To his credit he never rubbed that in my face. But how I wish I had just listened, chosen to follow. It was foolish pride on my part. I would have been far better off to listen.  (Eventually after my divorce I sold them for around $12 a share. Later they finally went to up to $45 again. Sigh. But anyway…)

The above is just one example, but I have learned. In my current relationship I refuse to fight for the lead. I choose to follow. I choose someone I knew I could safely follow. He’s a good man and he’s made a lifetime of good choices.  I trust his opinion and advice. I am smart but he’s much smarter. I recognize this and see going with it is in my advantage. He’s not forcing me to, in fact he’s always willing to hear me out, and still I am choosing to cede the lead. It’s working out really well. It’s by far the least drama relationship I’ve ever had, and I like it.

In short, choosing to follow can be a good thing and fighting the lead can be costly. It’s a mistake only YOU can choose not to make.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Don’t Just Go With It

16 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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While in the car with the kids and Dancer’s youngest we were listening to the radio. It was set to a channel with today’s top music.

The lyrics of one song struck me. It basically was about relationships, advising to “Just go with it,” and “To see where it goes.”

This is popular relationship advice aimed at young women today, but for the most part it’s really bad advice.  Just like hookup culture, casual sex, and no strings attached are bad advice.

Women who get involved in undefined or poorly defined sexual relationships hoping they will “maybe” go somewhere or turn into something are setting themselves up for repeated and needless pain.

It opened the door to a teachable moment about valuing oneself. About a really good talk about how girls they knew or saw taking this route were not having success but rather multiple failures.

I encouraged the girls to take the path less travelled. While other girls are dating young and getting all wrapped up in boys, they could instead invest all that energy in themselves, in learning life skills, in preparing themselves for their future forever guy and for a happy, stable life.

Multiple rejections, heartbreaks, and bad experiences do the opposite. One only needs to look around in real life to see many examples of that. Painting it as “normal” teenage rights of passage has lead to a lot of destruction. As has the common, “just go with it” advice.

I hope a seed was planted. I wish someone had told me these things at their age.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Day Game

09 Tuesday Jan 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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Today I experienced an example of day game. Day game is a technique of catching a gals attention during the day, when they are going about their daily round. Supposedly day game sneaks in under a gal’s “pick up radar” and some find it more approachable and effective than going to bars or clubs.

I was in a nearby urban area, on a rather “trendy” street because I was looking for something specific. I stopped in the store, had a great experience w the very helpful and friendly sales gal, and then walked out the door w my purchase.

I was just strolling along, probably smiling and lost in thought, not paying much attention when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a very good looking and well dressed  man strolling with a friend staring at me with a very intimate look. I could only describe it as the way you would look at someone you love deeply.

Flustered, I blushed, smiled, and kept walking.

Because I was in the city I had exchanged my usual muck boots and flannel for a mid-calf scoop neck (but not low) black t-shirt material dress with 3/4 sleeves and a floaty, feminine floral open jacket on top with black ballet flats. I had my makeup on, hair fixed, and even a necklace, bracelet, and earrings. Pretty dressed up for me but hey it’s “town” so I try to spiff up.

Maybe I reminded him of his sister or something, maybe he likes gals in dresses, who knows, as there were no words exchanged. I could be way off. So I can’t say for sure it was day game or what but if so I have a feeling it works pretty well for him.

I suppose at that point a gal could drop her keys, or ask for the time or directions or something. I am not really sure how that works and while I appreciated the glance I didn’t want to encourage anything more.

I know there’s this perception that guys who do well with women are jerks, and some are, but a lot of Romeo types actually adore women and it is that “fall in love with every girl who walks by” that works in their favor.

Now whether such a man is a good bet long term is questionable. But they do start off as fun and flattering and light.

I know in my case I don’t notice a guy until I notice him noticing me. Just like I would not have noticed this guy today otherwise.

It’s just a field study example.  And I just took it as the flattery it was, and thought about how great my guy is, and how glad I am to be off the market. I was never very good at games anyway.

What do you think of day game? Have some examples of your own? Please share in the comments!