Tag Archives: dating

Don’t Be That Girl

01 Monday Oct 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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The other night I happened to be at a big wedding for a friend of a friend. Early on I noticed a beautiful blond girl in a flowing black formal gown. To say she was stunning was an understatement. She looked like some sort of goddess, I am not kidding. On the looks scale I would say she was a 9 or maybe even a 10. No joke!

Later I saw her with a baby and a young man I assumed was her husband. They looked like a dashing young couple and their daughter (maybe 10 months old) was adorable.

The next time I saw her she was surrounded by a crowd, drink in hand, telling stories as friends gathered around. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

A bit later I saw her again, another drink in hand. Still telling stories, her voice starting to slur. Her man and baby were gone.

An hour or so later she’s stumbling around. Not making much sense. People start to avoid her except for a few guys who seem to be hoping to take her home.

Another hour goes by and she’s been cut off from the bar. I hear her baby daddy (turns out they weren’t married, for this reason) had left with the child. He’s in the process of trying to get custody. Had he videotaped her behavior, I am sure it would not have looked good in court.

She asks several times for another drink at the bar but is turned away. She starts going around and drinking half finished beers left behind on tables. Twice she nearly falls as she trips on tables and chairs in search of another half empty can. Waiters at the event notice and start picking up any abandoned containers before she can.

The wedding ends and I overhear people trying to talk other people into giving her a ride home. Nobody wants to except for a guy who seems to want to take advantage of the situation. Finally someone else agrees to give her a ride. I overhear long time friends say, “She always does this. We are so sick of it!”

The mother of the groom says the girl dated her other son briefly but because of her behavior he had broken things off. The son was there with his now wife and baby. The wife wasn’t as striking as the blonde but she was pretty in a less flashy way,  was clearly better wife material, and was the picture of a devoted happy young mom. She had married well, into a very successful and nice family.

I wanted to talk to the blonde but realized that in her stumbling, fall down state it would have done absolutely no good. I am pretty sure she would probably not remember much of the night.

Some people just shouldn’t drink and this girl seemed to be one of them. I hope someone says so to her, and soon.  And if so I hope she listens. If not the girl is headed for disaster. Sadly, her daughter’s future doesn’t look too bright either.

Don’t be that girl!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Young Love

20 Thursday Sep 2018

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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My oldest daughter started a new school recently (she has been doing online homeschool for two years at her request but I worried she might be too isolated so she’s now attending a charter homeschool hybrid program with in person classes twice a week) and on the first day parents were encouraged to come along so I got to go back to school, too! High school even! (Unlike regular school parents are encouraged to visit anytime and are even able to sit in on classes to learn the topic themselves if they like!)

I share the background so the rest of this will make sense.

In one of her classes the teacher kicked things off by having everyone write down three things about themselves (parents too!), put them in a basket, draw another out, and go around introducing yourself and then asking questions to try and find the person whose paper you had. (Cool idea, I thought! I am very impressed with all of her teachers and the school so far!)

Anyway, this class was an elective so it contained students from freshmen to seniors. When the teacher got to one student, who sat with his giggly girlfriend, she mentioned he wasn’t really a student anymore as he had graduated the year before. His girlfriend had drawn his paper and read off the three things: 1. He liked sports. 2. His favorite thing to do is sleep. 3. People always stare at him. The girlfriend giggled.

I should add he looks almost exactly like Rock Hudson. I wondered if he knew how classically handsome he was, or if he honestly didn’t know why people stared. His girlfriend is not nearly as striking but she clearly adores him.

In the manosphere he likely would be what’s known as a natural. Attracting women’s attention will likely never be something he has to learn how to do. However,without knowledge he still might struggle with women if he doesn’t just figure things out or have someone teach him.

I wondered what will become of this young couple or how long they have been together. Maybe in time I will find out.

Anyway, what do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

 

 

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Today I met a woman in her late 50s or maybe early 60s who just started telling me her story, like many people do.

Turns out she’s engaged to be married, to a man who lives overseas. Kenya, to be exact.

He’s in the military she said, and the met via an online dating site.

She seemed like a nice lady, and was with her elderly mother. She has mid length reddish blond hair and seemed like perhaps a retired school teacher, or some such. She dressed very plainly, not much make up, her hair somewhat messy.  And she looked tired. Like she had the worries of the world on her shoulders.

She mentioned being married before, when she was 23. She said her ex-husband remarried recently at a popular nearby spot. She saw this on Facebook. She didn’t want a big wedding like that, she said. She wants to keep it simple.

I could somehow feel as she described what started to sound like an extremely complicated situation involving her sending tens of thousands of dollars to the fiancé so he could come that things may not be what they seem. There had been multiple delays, expired documents, more checks sent via money wire for thousands more.

He’ll be here soon, she said. I wondered if I sensed doubt in her voice? Soon… hopefully… she looked off in the distance, the words seemingly just hanging there.

Her mom didn’t know, she said. Nobody in her family did. She didn’t explain further, I didn’t pry. I wanted to ask more. I was afraid to ask.

I really worry for her and hope she is not being scammed. But as is sometimes said around here I had to remember, “Not my monkey, not my circus.”

Will she be another post-wall woman fleeced of all she has in the name of “love?” I hope not. Maybe someday she will pass my way again and I will find out how the story ends.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Two Paths

06 Monday Aug 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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I recently saw on Facebook that a young woman I know who is in her early 30s had just gotten out of a treatment facility after a suicide attempt. She admitted she had made multiple attempts in the past year.

I was surprised by this because from an outside view she seemed to come from a good family, have a fun job as a hostess at a local gathering spot, and was attractive and well liked. She comes across as confident, self-assured, and pulled together.

From her profile I could see she had recently been dating someone for about six months, and had several other such semi-long term relationships as well. Most seemed to be musicians. None seemed particularly promising.

Then I noticed a cryptic and nostalgic posting from her to a male friend about a trip they took together years ago. Curious, I clicked on his page and there it was, a photo album he had made of their trip.

Unlike the musicians, I could tell this young man had been serious about this gal. The captions on the photos made it clear he was smitten. I would not doubt he had thought she was, “the one.”

They both would have been in their early 20s then. They looked so happy, so carefree. He seemed like a really solid and loving guy. They looked charmed, innocent. I wonder what happened, why they hadn’t married, if perhaps she had bought the advice to, “not settle down too young.”

Whatever happened it seems she’s never found another who felt for her the way this guy had. I wonder if regrets about this played a role in her current situation?

I know the guys around here will likely have little sympathy for her. Many have been in that young man’s shoes themselves.

Anyway I thought the situation captured some of the modern relationship pitfalls we so often discuss.

I wonder how her life would have been different had she married back then rather than taken a single independent women, serial monogamy path?

It is of course impossible to know. What lies ahead for her is also unclear. I am hoping for the best as always.  For our purposes here it’s not so much about her particular case as what can be learned from it in general.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Commit To Your Choice

29 Friday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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In comments on another blog, frequent commentor and fellow blogger Stephanie shared the story of a friend’s struggling marriage:

“I had a friend for over 2 decades… literally, we were friends in pre-school and have pictures together from our Kinder graduation **tear**. But she married someone she was NOT attracted to – who she dated for FIVE YEARS in our 20’s and kept complaining to me about how unattractive he was and how she wanted him to improve himself.

No matter how many times I told her to leave him alone and move on – find someone she was attracted to who she could accept as the man he is, she didn’t listen. She married him right at 29 yrs old (really hit home that manosphere cliche for me personally to see that), and has a very rocky marriage now.

Maybe… is it possible that [she] married her husband even though he wasn’t good at being a man? To me, these women (and virgins can do it, too) they pick these kinds of men on purpose. It’s not an accident that they stay with them through sometimes YEARS of dating and then it’s not an accident that they walk down that aisle to marry someone THEY KNOW they are not attracted to that much.

It’s very much on purpose. And while I’m sure they believe the lies they tell themselves… it’s bound to end up in heartache.

**Bonus brain memory stuff** She even told me (much to my horror) that while they were just dating she was very tempted to cheat on him with various coworkers!!!!!!! So how is that going to play out in a marriage of decades? Seems much more likely she will eventually stray.”

I inquired:

“@ Stephanie did she ever say what was working for her in the relationship? How attractive is she? Did she date others or ?”

She replied:

“Mostly just security, and getting married before it was too late to have kids. Her plans were always to find someone in college and marry them.

She did date other guys, even in high school… a couple she really was attracted to, but chose not to be “serious” with them even though I would urge her that they were a great catch for marriage.

I don’t get it 😦 Except that he makes good money and is stable. But she is very very good at her job and makes a lot of money, too, so I guess she just wanted stability relationship-wise.”

I too have seen women marry to a man they are not so attracted to physically (but are attracted to for other reasons like stability, status, resources, etc.) who end up unhappily married. And likewise I have seen women marry men they are wildly physically attracted to (but who lacked the stability/comfort component) who end up unhappily married. So is the physical attraction, or making the “wrong” pick in a mate, really the factor?

I know some may disagree, but I would argue it is not the level of attraction or choosing the wrong mate that is the problem, it is the woman’s attitude. Rather than focusing on what her mate doesn’t have, she would be far better off focusing on the qualities and traits that she does appreciate. It’s similar to the glass half full or half empty argument.

Women who look for what’s “missing” will always be less happy (content) than women who look for “what’s there.” Because it is far too easy to idealize some imaginary path not taken, and far too easy to also criticize the path chosen.

But guess what? All we have is the path we are on. And if she choose to marry this man, choosing to honor that commitment despite his not being perfect in every possible way is actually the secret to a successful marriage. Being happy (content) isn’t something that, “just happens,” it means she literally chooses to be happy (content) with her choice, see the positives within it, and to honor the commitment she made.

It’s foolishly disastrous to continue after marriage to ponder “what if’s” and “if only’s” and such alternate realities as if they were some magically perfect path versus the path one is on. Because you know what? Those options would be just as imperfect in different ways. Because no marriage is without a balance of give and take.

To see how damaging such thinking is, let’s put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if her husband was constantly questioning his choice in a wife? Wondering if he could have “done better?” Entertaining attractions to others at work and social circles. Confessing to others on a regular basis how his wife is “lacking” in this way or that. Not cool, right? And not very loving, either.

So in reality I would say this woman and others like her are not unhappy (discontent) because they have chosen poorly or wrong so much as they are choosing to be unhappy (discontent) with the choice they freely made. As in past tense. The time to question the choice was before the wedding, not forever after.

Of course doing so takes maturity, self-discipline, wisdom, and a long-view — qualities not as popular in today’s “instant gratification, I want it all and I want it now,” society. It would also require self-awareness of the role she is choosing to play in her own and her husband’s unhappiness (discontent), plus a sincere desire to change that. It’s possible, but only she can take these steps.

This woman may think the solution to her unhappiness (discontent) is changing her partner (either changing her partner’s appearance or literally changing partners) — but in reality the solution is changing her own dysfunctional, non-constructive, and marriage-killing mindset. Stop reconsidering the choice and get on with making what you chose work, would be my red pill advice.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Be a Team Player

27 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Want a happy and successful relationship? One of the best ways to make it happen is to be a team player. View your mate and your partnership as your number one and the rest will fall into place.

Too often women today are encouraged to see their partner as some sort of enemy in a battle-of-the-sexes dynamic. Such a relationship is marked by power struggles, shit tests, and strife. The result is nobody’s happy or feels supported and the relationship flounders and often then fails as a result.

Compare that to the team model where instead of it being them against each other, it’s them against the world. Their efforts are directed at overcoming outside threats rather that on trying to overcome one another.  It’s a much more harmonious and stable dynamic.

Perhaps the biggest key to achieving a team player attitude is to let go of striving for your individual needs in favor of the needs of the unit. For women, especially for women who have been raised to believe doing so will automatically lead to their oppression and victimization, it can be hard to do.  And yet if the team comes second (or third or fourth) it’s not too difficult to see why that team may fail.

In fact, I can’t think of a single relationship in real life where the couple takes a team approach and one or both of the partners are individually worse off for it. Instead they are among the happiest people I know.

Two are stronger than one. And two pulling together in the same direction are certainly far ahead of two pulling in opposite directions. The first can overcome much while the second may hardly get anywhere at all.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

It’s Not (Only) About You

21 Thursday Jun 2018

Posted by in Fempire

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For the past few decades girls and women have been encouraged to put their needs first. I believe the initial intent was to help women overcome being a doormat. But rather than come to the middle, balancing her needs with the needs of others, it seems in many cases women today think mostly of their own needs and little to none about the needs of others.

For example, I often see this in relationships. A woman will be talking about how she needs X, Y, and Z. She can pinpoint to the smallest nuance everything that’s lacking, wrong, or could change to make the relationship better for herself. And while this is good, what I rarely hear is a woman pondering what her partner may need, want, think, or feel.

In my previous post we find such a woman. And it literally destroyed her relationship. She was so focused on her own experience, she completely lost sight of the fact that the relationship did not exist solely to fulfill her every need, want, and every happiness but rather it was about BOTH of their needs, wants, and happiness.

It’s true that in the past women were often encouraged to think about others and what they might do to make them happier. But I don’t believe this was done to teach women not to think about themselves at all, I believe it was done to counteract the tendency of the female mind to see the world from her point of view alone.

If you find yourself ruminating, perturbed, or upset — try stepping back from focusing on what you need, feel, want, or wish and ask yourself what others involved may need, feel, want, or wish as well.

Healthy functional relationships are two way streets. Everybody gets and everybody gives. Sure at times one side may be giving or getting more than the other at a specific moment, but overall it should even out.

Balance. It’s not (only) about you.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Attitude is Everything

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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The tale of yet another relationship hitting the dust reminded me — attitude is everything.

Like many women today, this woman, who in this case had the opportunity to literally marry a millionaire, blew it all up with her attitude.

They met several years back. He was unhappily married, but was staying the course rather than divorcing. They kept in touch as friends, the attraction obviously mutual. She swore for years he was the one, her soul mate. And patiently she waited while working as a waitress, living month to month.

About two years ago his wife became ill, and then passed away. After grieving the loss he reached out to the gal, and they started a romantic relationship. It escalated rather quickly into them moving in together. He was overjoyed, ready to experience all the good and joy life had to offer. But rather than share his enthusiasm, she started picking everything apart.

She seemed to quickly forget how she had struggled before, how hard things were, what it was like to live hand to mouth, how much she worried about her future without a retirement plan of any kind. How she swore he was her soul mate, and hoped someday they could be together.

When I would talk to her after they moved in together, and she would complain about the loss of freedom, the lack of time to herself, all the “things” she had given up, I knew it was not going to work. And the thing was, he wasn’t asking her to give anything up, she was the one creating this odd self-sacrificing, self-limiting situation. Rather than see she was herself creating the lack, she stubbornly blamed it all on him.

Rather than appreciate the good, she focused on the bad. I never heard her voice gratitude for her sudden increase in her standard of living. Here she was living in a beautiful luxury home right on the river, seemingly not a care in the world, with a man who wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives together, and to be happy. Instead from her it was complain, complain, complain. And not just in private, she would do it right in front of him!

Today I heard the news I knew back then was coming — he finally had enough. She’s now once again living in a rented apartment, with little in the bank, and no plan for the future. Now mind you, this woman is past retirement age! I am just not sure what on earth she is thinking!

Instead of a life of leisure, travel, fun times, and no worry she choose — willful independence.  Except she’s not able to be independent, truly. And the chance to build that is also quickly coming to a close.

Perhaps that reality has not sunk in yet. I wonder if in time she will regret her behavior?  For now, she insists she’s happier on her own. I can’t tell if it’s the single independent woman brainwashing talking, denial, or actually the case. No matter, the ship has sailed. I guess independence is going to have to work. It’s the only offer on the table.

I do know one thing, I for one will not be very interested in hearing her tales of woe once all this sinks in. And perhaps that’s really the problem — wanting whatever it is one doesn’t have, until they do, and then they want something else? Seems like a really poor life strategy. But unfortunately it’s one I see all too often.

Seeing the glass or half full or half empty actually is a choice, even if one doesn’t recognize it. Attitude can determine success or failure — which one are you choosing?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

One Smart Cookie!

18 Monday Jun 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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As I may have mentioned, I live in a rural area surrounded by farmland and small-acreage “country estates/hobby farms” owned by people who want to live a country lifestyle.

My place is surrounded on two sides by a family that has lived and farmed the area for generations. The father, widowed after 40+ years of marriage and now in his late 70s, lives with his bachelor brother on the original farm. His two sons, in their late 40s or early 50s, both own 40-acre hobby farms. They are a good family, solid church going folks who are upstanding citizen types.

Recently, the grandson announced he was engaged, and will be married this summer on the family property. He, his mom, and his bride-to-be stopped by to say hello a few weeks ago, sharing their good news.

I was immediately impressed by this young woman. She’s tall and fit with a curvy but athletic build. Her long brunette hair is styled in natural cascading waves, and I was not surprised to hear that she sometimes does modeling work. She was dressed stylishly but modestly, in clothes that fit and flattered. (She was conspicuously lacking in the tattoos, wild hair colors, piercings, and other fashion choices many gals her age are making these days.)

She’s bubbly, graceful, and well mannered. By no means shy or a doormat, but she’s also not at all overbearing. She’s got a regal confidence, the bearing of a true young lady. Classy. His mom beamed at her with pride, obviously smitten with her son’s choice of a future wife. All good signs that I was happy to see!

The son is a strapping young man. Thanks to working around the farm plus having very athletic parents, he’s pretty much the physical ideal example of a young man. I could not help but notice this the other day when he and his fiance stopped by to check in on cutting my hay field. Instead of the long sleeved shirt he had worn during the prior visit, this time he was in a loose tank top. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before but his biceps and chest were huge, the boy is solid muscle!

As the two bounded off to check the field, he and his eager helpmate, I thought what a dashing pair they make, so happy and carefree and obviously in love. Like his parents and his dads parents before that, I can see them married for life, building a life, and starting a family of their own.

I did not ask their ages or what they do, but my guess is they are recently out of college, in their early 20s. While others in their age group are sowing wild oats, these two are pairing up and settling down.

I thought what a smart cookie she was to choose wisely and well, marrying into a solid family, with a bright financial future. I have no doubt they will have a beautiful and fairly easy life. Charmed, even.

Like many of her age, she could instead be on Tinder, swiping and matching, putting everything into her career, going out to nightclubs and bars, keeping her options open, telling herself maybe she’ll settle down, “someday,” but for the time being wanting freedom, independence, empowerment, and lots of life experiences.

I wondered how she had happened to take the path less traveled, if it was just blind luck or if she consciously sought to find her mate, a good man from a good family who she loved with all her heart, and happily marry young? My bet is that it is a result of deliberate choices to be and do different than most of her peers, choices that are now paying off.

In any case, I think she’s wise. And I don’t see her doing anything but building upon the firm foundation she’s establishing. Like his mother who herself married wisely and well in her youth, I see a relatively carefree and easy road ahead for this girl rather than one filled with pain, struggle, and strife.

It makes me happy to see it and to share the tale — sometimes you see it working out, despite the odds, and it gives me hope that all is not lost. I hope other young ladies (including my own girls!) who hear her tale see the wisdom in doing different, and take the same path themselves!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.