Tag Archives: fulfillment

Be Thankful

22 Thursday Nov 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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It seems like an apt time of year to ponder gratitude.

True thankfulness is exceedingly rare in today’s entitled “gimmie, gimme NOW” world.

I find it so ironic that in an era where many have more material and physical abundance than perhaps ever before in all of history, it’s much more common to encounter people thinking they need more than to meet those who appreciate all they’ve got.

And since this blog is for the ladies, I will focus on this from the female perspective from here. (Perhaps a male blogger can tackle a version of this topic for the guys.)

For women, who have for decades been raised to believe there are no limits, they can be or do anything they want to be, that they deserve it all, and that they don’t just deserve it they are OWED it, contentment and gratitude can be viewed as negative, limiting, and outdated.

However I would argue it’s only those rare women who cultivate a true gratitude attitude that ever find the seemingly-ever-elusive happiness, fulfillment, balance, peace, and abundance so many desperately seek.

The answer ironically isn’t having more, it’s not just being OK with — but actually being thankful for — less.

Now before you think I am advising gals need to aim low or give up, give me a chance to explain.

Contentment and gratitude for what *is* truly is the secret to ever having enough. Because everything is relative.

For example, for some people an 800 square foot house is “small.” For others a 2,500 square foot house is “small.” Any house could be viewed as too small, too big, or just right based on one’s perception.

I once read a book by a woman who suddenly realized one day that the problem wasn’t that’s her house was too small, it was her attitude toward it that was. Rather than being thankful for and loving the house she had, she resented it for everything it was not, and spent many disgruntled hours wishing to live anywhere but there.

After that “ah ha moment,” she embarked on a year-long quest to love her home with all she had. She lovingly took stock and then went to work making it as beautiful, comfortable, welcoming, and cozy as it could possibly be.

Soon others began to notice her modest little house. Editors from home and garden magazines that she used to read with envy started calling her, asking to feature her home! Then offering her a regular column! Then encouraging her to write books about how she had created her lovely abode.

That’s the difference gratitude makes. It was the same house. She was the same person. All that had changed was rather than wishing for something else she embraced what she had and poured her heart and soul into loving it just as it was while doing all she could to make it all it could be with the resources she had.

In the end embracing gratitude led to so much more than not doing so ever did. She wasn’t settling. Or aiming low. Or giving up. Or getting less.

In fact had she stayed on the path of wanting more, she would likely still be stuck right there, bitterly hating her little house, wishing for something else, thinking, “if only…”

Instead she was loving her house, living a life beyond her wildest dreams, and embracing the ever growing abundance with a humble and thankful heart.

If you find yourself often thinking about what you wish you had, were, missed, or should be, try looking at what you have right now with gratitude, knowing it’s enough, being thankful for exactly what you’ve got, making the most of it, and embracing the blessings that have been right there all along. At home, at work, at play, and in love.

Happy Thanksgiving! May it be a blessed one.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

The Need for Struggle

19 Monday Sep 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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A customer of mine, who is also a psychologist, and I were shooting the breeze the other day and he brought up an interesting thought: that people need struggle in their lives.

Now one would think just the opposite, that a life free of struggles would lead to happiness and contentment. But apparently not.

Not so long ago, say 150 years, life itself provided plenty enough struggle just via day to day living and survival. Most men and women spent their days toiling for survival via planting crops, tending crops, raising animals, running small businesses, doing physical housework, and the like. The need to struggle was largely fulfilled with physical struggle, hard work.

After an industrial and urban way of life largely replaces a subsistence one, there was still struggle as many jobs were still physical. People were largely involved in working in factories, building and manufacturing goods. It was a different kind of struggle than living on a farm, but still plenty strenuous.

In a post industrial world the need for physical struggle to survive day to day has been greatly reduced thanks to modern conveniences such as electricity and plumbing and a variety of labor saving devices that depend on them. Many jobs also replaced physical struggle with a more sedentary day.

Without the need to struggle physically, rather than feel content and happy, people started to struggle emotionally. Literally creating problems for themselves and others when not distracted by true physical struggle to survive.

It’s an interesting idea to ponder, what one might be doing in their own life to fulfill the human need for struggle. Perhaps replacing that with some form of physical struggle via exercise, sports, active hobbies, and the like would actually lead to contentment and happiness far better than trying to eliminate all struggle?

One example of this might explain why studies found people who walk 15 minutes a day (physical struggle) can gain as much relief from depression as those who take antidepressants. The physical exertion literally creates serotonin, eliminating the need for it to be supplemented.

What do you think?  Can you name examples of ways people struggle today? Either self created or not? Can you think of ways people might replace non-productive, self created struggle with productive struggle?

 

Do Soul Mates Exist?

07 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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Do you believe in soul mates? That there is a perfect somebody for everybody, and that finding that match is the secret to a lifetime of happiness?

I was reading a very insightful article on this idea of soul mates, how it is actually a rather modern phenomenon, and how basing relationships on this model might actually be the cause of much relationship angst today. (I will try to find a link to the article, I forgot to bookmark it.)

In short the article said that around 1970 the soul mate relationship model became the dominant narrative, leaving behind the prior one which viewed marriage in more of a give and take model.

The ideal of a soul mate is seductive — that perfect other half, who gets you absolutely, adores everything about you, and unlocks the key to your highest possible level of fulfillment and personal growth.

The trouble with the soul mate philosophy is that it has an unspoken “your soul mate will just get it” component. In theory, there won’t be problems in a soul mate relationship and in fact, if there are problems that is in itself a sign this person is not your soul mate.

In the give and take model, there was less emphasis on what the individual was getting from the relationship, and more about the whole of the unit. Good times and bad times were expected, one’s partner was not on a pedestal, the good of the order was what was on the pedestal.

My paternal grandparents had this type of marriage. My grandfather was a very intelligent, but very difficult man. He had a bad temper. He drank a lot. He spent money foolishly. He stayed out late and sometimes didn’t come home. While I am sure my grandmother struggled with many unhappy moments, she didn’t speak of them, and she was a good and faithful wife to him until he passed away at the age of 79.

I don’t know how she did it. I don’t know if I could have done it. She must have had the patience of a saint. I do know that she found happiness in other areas of her life, in gardening and keeping a home, the animals she raised on the farm, in her relationships with her four children, and eventually their spouses and grandchildren.

Their marriage was in many ways the argument for feminism, that women should be able to escape such a union. Should “have more.” I doubt that a woman in her situation today would stay married in a culture that makes even slight dissatisfaction a reason to divorce — much less being married to someone who, to put it mildly, was a rather notorious character. My grandma surely would have gotten the “you go girl” advice today. And indeed she sacrificed much in order to make the marriage work.

Were they soul mates? Probably not. In fact from the somewhat puzzling story my grandmother told me of their courtship, it almost sounded like an arranged marriage. As she told it, she went from living with her parents to living with his, and that was it, they were married. And in Nebraska in the depths of the depression, it is very possible that it was a practical pairing based on necessity, not love.

The trouble with the soul mate model is — troubles will eventually surface. One partner will let another down. There will be discord. There will be impasses. If the relationship is based on the idea that the union will only bring happiness and fulfillment to the self, it is only a matter of time until hard times or disagreements of some sort of another will hit. When they do, they are read as a “sign” the relationship is not what it was thought to be, and as a reason it should end.

It’s a problem I see in many marriages around me today — when hard times hit they aren’t viewed as something to work through, more often they are seen as a justification to jump ship. It’s a much less stable model, one based on perpetual good fortune and fair weather.

Maybe my grandma’s generation understood something we have lost. That hard times were a sign to work harder and that not giving up come what may was what made marriages last a lifetime. It may lack the romantic mysticism of the soul mate theory, but it sure seems like a much more solid foundation to build forever upon.

What do you think? Do you believe in soul mates?