Tag Archives: happiness

Self Talk

29 Thursday Mar 2018

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Have you ever stopped to conciously think about your self talk? You know the voice inside your head commenting on your choices, actions, successes, and failures?

Most people probably don’t stop to think about what they are saying to themselves, but it’s well worth doing because self talk is powerful stuff.

Self talk seems to have a personality of its own almost. It can be stern, critical, and unforgiving, or it can be bewildered, unsure, and confused, or it can be spiteful, bitter, and angry, or it can be melencholy, sad, and discouraged, or it can be joyful, lighthearted, and fun, or it can be kind, encouraging, and supportive.

The good thing about becoming aware of one’s self talk is it allows you to then ask if your self talk is working for you or against you. You can change that self talk, start to direct it, rather than let it simply run wild.

Today take note of your self talk, Ask yourself if it sounds more like a friend or a foe. If you don’t like what you are hearing, make it a priority to train your self talk in a better direction.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

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The Healthy Card

17 Saturday Mar 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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Much of life is a series of choices. When presented between the healthy card or not, choose the healthy card.

For example, in relationships one can choose to be emotionally healthy, regulated, supportive, and kind or one can choose to be drama driven, off the chain, unsupportive, and hurtful. One can also in turn choose or refuse these behavior traits from a potential partner.

The same goes for friendships, co-worker relations, relatives, and others. If or when things get hard, one can still choose the healthy card by refusing to participate in unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamics. Somebody choosing healthy often stops the unhealthy, or at least leads the person who won’t choose healthy to take it elsewhere.

If you have trouble choosing the healthy card, it’s something to explore, perhaps with a trained professional. Dysfunctional, unhealthy, or abusive patterns in adulthood often stem from similar ones in childhood. One may have had little choice then, but as an adult one can choose to not haunt themself or others with ghosts from the past. It takes work, persistence, and self knowledge but it is well worth the effort.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Look For The Good

28 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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There is something about the human mind that tends to notice what’s wrong more that what’s right.

I would bet there’s a good reason, like being able to spot the potential dangers and threats quickly was once key to survival, and those who did it best survived.

But it can have a downside as well that can steal a lot of joy from life, relationships, work, and play. It can create a filter that screens out the many things going right and well.

Yes it’s great to spot the issue that could lead to a massive project failure so corrections can be made. But it’s also helpful to mention what’s going right with the plan, as well.

I have seen it in relationships, too. People can hyper fixate on every flaw, fault, failure, and letdown. This approach increases dissatisfaction and leads to struggles or even a breakup if it’s not balanced out by remembering and appreciating the many positive, good, and beneficial qualities a mate has as well.

An old management and personal communication technique recommends mentioning two things going right, then the thing going wrong, and wrapping with another positive. It helps keep things in perspective as well as minimizing feelings of the other party being attacked. I have found it works like a charm.

Try to shift your mind to look for the good as you go about your day, as well as watch out for the bad. My guess is you’ll start to notice there’s lots going right. There’s lots of good people. There’s lots of good circumstances. And while yes there are bad things too, maybe it’s not all bad. Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it’s better than it first seemed?

What do you think? Do you notice negatives more easily than positives? Have tips for seeing the upside? Please share in the comments.

What Predicts Relationship Success?

31 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Wish you could look into a crystal ball and see if your relationship was destined to succeed or fail? Researchers think they have found the answer that separates relationship masters from relationship disasters. From here:

“…Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples … will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.”

In real life I would say I have seen this to be the case. Those I know in troubled, angsty relationships are always on the lookout for their partner to do them wrong or fall short, while the couples who seem most content are those who have a positive view.

The good news is both approaches are a choice, a mindset. If you aren’t already, start giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and look for the good in them rather than the bad, assume the best instead of the worst. Not only will they likely start feeling a lot better about the relationship (and you!), chances are you’ll start feeling so as well.

It’s easy to find fault, to focus on the negative. In fact, the human mind seems geared to see what’s missing more prominantly than what’s not. And while it likely serves us well in some ways, it can also create much unhappiness because let’s face it — there will always be something going wrong, even when 99.9% is going right! And really, how often in life is even 51% or more going wrong? In mine the answer has been rarely, or actually never, even if I have not always acted (or felt) like it. Even on the very worst days (not that I am daring the universe here…)

What do you think? Have you seen this master or disaster approach to relationships in real life? Is seeing the glass half full the secret to a long and happy relationship? Please share in the comments.

 

Waste Little, Want Not

22 Wednesday Nov 2017

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A popular saying from the depression era was, “waste little, want not.” It was a phrase often repeated by my grandmother who lived through the depression as a child and teen.

In today’s “gimme gimme” culture built on debt and instant gratification, the idea of making do and being greatful isn’t a popular one. Yet it’s one that can bring peace and centering in times of both plenty and lack.

Imagine feeling like what you have is enough. That you lack for and need nothing. Impossible? Chances are if you are like many today you actually not only have enough, but more than enough.

In fact it’s a common complaint today that people have too much! Yet despite homes filled with clutter and “stuff” they seek more, never truly filling the hole within.

Ironically, in a culture of abundance and self-centered-ness, people are more dissatisfied and lonely than ever. So maybe the secret isn’t more and “me” but less and “others?”

Waste little, want not.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Unhaaaaapy?

07 Friday Jul 2017

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Happiness is an inside job.

Yep! So if you are unhappy, stop blaming others and start looking within.

So many people look to their partner or future idealized partner to “make them happy.” But guess what? They can’t. And it’s not even healthy to expect them to.

So while it’s seemingly easier to credit or blame others for your happiness level, the very good thing about looking within for happiness is that you realize while others can’t make you happy, you’ll find they can no longer take it away, either.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

The Power of Gratitude

21 Wednesday Dec 2016

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Something I have noticed in life is that nothing can turn a bad attitude or a feeling of want around like gratitude.

Because you know what? There will always be something going wrong, something we want, something we think we need, or something we wish we had. In fact, if one focuses on what’s MISSING there is really no end to the things to be upset about. No matter how much you have, it will never be enough.

Gratitude is just the opposite. There is always something to be thankful for, and often once I start listing my things off they quickly outnumber the “missing” stuff.

Another bonus, when I focus on what I am thankful for it’s almost impossible to feel unhappy or upset, either.  It switches the glass from half empty to half full, or even runneth over, just like that.

In this season of “gimmie gimmie” gratitude is like a breath of fresh air. I don’t need a Lexus with a red bow on top to make Christmas complete (I actually would not even want that, but the commercials every year make me wonder, does anyone actually do that, and if so do they give the car along with four years of car payments, or how would that work?)

I have always worked to instill gratitude in my kids, as well. And a few years ago during a particularly lean holiday season, I was so proud of them when they happily embraced the few gifts I was able to afford that year, never even noticing or asking for more.

One thing our holidays were rich with that year (and ever since) were experiences — decorating the tree, making gingerbread houses, enjoying candy canes, looking at holiday light displays, telling holiday tales, watching Christmas movies, making crafts to give as gifts, baking cookies, sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows, cuddling up in blankets on the couch, admiring the tree. These things don’t cost much but will be remembered long after the latest “it” toy loses its luster.

In the end material things are just that — things. But relationships, family, friends, health,  community, health, Grace, memories and all those other things no amount of money can buy are the true treasures in life. Cherish them, and may your heart be filled to bursting!

Merry Christmas!

The Need for Struggle

19 Monday Sep 2016

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A customer of mine, who is also a psychologist, and I were shooting the breeze the other day and he brought up an interesting thought: that people need struggle in their lives.

Now one would think just the opposite, that a life free of struggles would lead to happiness and contentment. But apparently not.

Not so long ago, say 150 years, life itself provided plenty enough struggle just via day to day living and survival. Most men and women spent their days toiling for survival via planting crops, tending crops, raising animals, running small businesses, doing physical housework, and the like. The need to struggle was largely fulfilled with physical struggle, hard work.

After an industrial and urban way of life largely replaces a subsistence one, there was still struggle as many jobs were still physical. People were largely involved in working in factories, building and manufacturing goods. It was a different kind of struggle than living on a farm, but still plenty strenuous.

In a post industrial world the need for physical struggle to survive day to day has been greatly reduced thanks to modern conveniences such as electricity and plumbing and a variety of labor saving devices that depend on them. Many jobs also replaced physical struggle with a more sedentary day.

Without the need to struggle physically, rather than feel content and happy, people started to struggle emotionally. Literally creating problems for themselves and others when not distracted by true physical struggle to survive.

It’s an interesting idea to ponder, what one might be doing in their own life to fulfill the human need for struggle. Perhaps replacing that with some form of physical struggle via exercise, sports, active hobbies, and the like would actually lead to contentment and happiness far better than trying to eliminate all struggle?

One example of this might explain why studies found people who walk 15 minutes a day (physical struggle) can gain as much relief from depression as those who take antidepressants. The physical exertion literally creates serotonin, eliminating the need for it to be supplemented.

What do you think?  Can you name examples of ways people struggle today? Either self created or not? Can you think of ways people might replace non-productive, self created struggle with productive struggle?

 

Embrace your Femininity

20 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Relationships, Sex and Such

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Over the past 40 years, traditional feminine qualities such as beauty, grace, domesticity, charm, chastity, and being “girly” have been increasingly vilified in a similar way that masculine traits have been vilified for men and boys (but ironically encouraged in women and girls!)

Women and girls are told that acting feminine will lead to them being objectified, oppressed, overlooked, and disempowered. Instead women are encouraged to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, aggressive, tough, and more.

Well, let me let you in on a little secret — for females femininity and feminine traits ARE power! Yep.

And I am not the only one to think so. In fact this was reconfirmed yesterday as I listened to a podcast by a woman who bills herself as a “modern day courtesan.” This woman is in no way “red pill” and yet her message was similar — if you want to succeed in love and romance, be MORE feminine!

To clarify, a courtesan is not a call girl, escort, or prostitute (they sleep with men for money, any man, with no expectations of him beyond the encounter) and it’s not just about sex. A courtesan is a long term companion who is financially supported by her admirer/s, sometimes in an exclusive monogamous relationship or sometimes in a few non-exclusive but ongoing and long term committed relationships.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a courtesan lifestyle, but I do think her message was dead on as far as feminine wiles being a core part of female strength, and one women should not be afraid of. Her advice would be just as appropriate to apply within a marriage or long-term relationship as in a courtesan one — in short, the path to happiness, love, and romance is paved with female charms.

Some of her advice? Be happy and light. Laugh. Flirt. Look for ways to bewitch your partner and draw him in. Enjoy adorning yourself. Dress well. Learn how to use make up and other beauty products to your best advantage. Don’t overwork yourself. Learn how to be seductive (not the same as slutty, the opposite actually!) Be mysterious in a good way. Educate yourself on current affairs and a wide range of topics so you can be a charming conversationalist. Understand you may draw a man in because he is initially interested in sex (not too fast, ladies! Anticipation is your friend), but you will keep a man by seducing and connecting with his mind. Study your man’s personal favorite female qualities and work those to your advantage. Don’t be pushy or demanding, but instead coax his cooperation and devotion with your feminine wiles. Wear pretty undies. Let him take care of you. Be a refuge for him, a place he cannot wait to run to. Forgo “broken men” who do not and cannot truly appreciate and love, love, love the feminine. Be a lover of the masculine, as well. Be the kind of woman he can’t bear to live without. And more.

It all sounded like good advice to me. What do you think?

 

Be Light

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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Commenter Ton brought up a point the other day in response to this post that I would like to elaborate on. He says:

“Remember what men want in a home life? More or less an escape from killing dragons all day.”

This is a point I would do well to remember more myself, and I think is good advice for all women — be light. Be fun. Be carefree. Be joy. Be his escape from the cares and burdens of the world.

Yes there are always things going wrong, and bad things to focus on, and things to complain about, and on and on. And oh how we gals can go on, and on, and on about all that. (Myself included, cringe.)

Here’s a challenge and I am taking it too: Don’t go on and on about those things. Choose to focus on the positive. And yes ladies — it’s a CHOICE.

Ok, sometimes yes, we have to talk about the hard stuff, the bad stuff, the problems. But much of the time, we actually don’t HAVE to, we choose to. It can be a very bad habit to dwell on the black lining in the silver cloud. It can be a very good habit to do the opposite. And habits are just that — repeated behaviors that soon become automatic.

I heard it said once that men take their emotional cues from women, and whatever emotions you put out often influence his own emotions. If so, what better reason to be light, be fun, be happy, and be upbeat than this? Your doing so will lead to his doing so, and life will be all the more happy, fun, and upbeat for it!

Consider:

Scenario #1: Man calls/sees his lady. She goes on and on about everything bad about her day, her job, her life. How does he feel now? (Hint: Bad!) How does he feel about calling/seeing her next time? (Hint: Bad!)

Scenario #2: Man calls/sees his lady. She goes on and on about everything good about her day, her job, her life. How does he feel now? (Hint: Good!) How does he feel about calling/seeing her next time? (Hint: Good!)

See what I mean? So don’t be a Debbie Downer. Just don’t. Do your best to be light, and to bring light into his (and everyone’s) world, too!

light.jpg

What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments!