Tag Archives: heartbreak

Most Problems Are User Error

19 Thursday Feb 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Someone* once said to me, “Most problems are caused by user error,” meaning many of the struggles in life are self-created ones.

Realizing this can be a double edged sword. On one hand it is empowering — to struggle or not in most cases becomes a choice. On the other hand, it requires taking responsibility for your life outcome, owning that you are the cause of your problem.

Try it. Make a written or mental list of your biggest problems and struggles. Then ask yourself how many of them are actually caused by your own decisions and choices, or decisions or choices you should/could be making but aren’t?

It can be both painful and liberating to realize nearly all factors in life are within our own control. That life is, like it or not, good or bad, what we have made it.

Sure, there are exceptions, times when circumstances beyond one’s control impose suffering — like being born into a dysfunctional family, getting cancer, losing everything in a fire or natural disaster, being laid off due to a downsizing, having a partner dying or walk out with no warning, being caught up in a war zone.

But even in these cases, there is still a choice involved and that choice is how you respond to factors out of your control. Constructive or destructive, how you react to tragedy is still a choice completely within your control. (Understanding this is what heroes and inspirational souls are made of.)

Luckily, true tragedy beyond control doesn’t strike often in life. Most of the time there is no outside random situation or circumstance imposing the suffering. Upon examination, we are usually creating the situation ourselves with the choices large and small we make every day. In these cases it’s as simple — and as hard — as choosing to do different.

Pity parties, blaming others, or adopting a victim stance may soothe the ego, but they only prolong the suffering.

Start doing yourself a favor, if you have been falling prey to user error forgive yourself (we’re all human), then take ownership of your life, identify the user error that’s causing you (and very likely others) suffering, and take action to change the situation from what you don’t want into what you do want.

Whatever the issue, problem, struggle, or roadblock — from weight loss, to a career funk, to relationship woes, to money problems — it’s almost always just that simple, and just that difficult. Choices. Action. Not choosing. Not taking action. A good attitude. A bad attitude.

And the good news, or the bad news, is the only person who can do it, or keep yourself from doing it, is you.

Let those who have ears hear.

—————-

*The someone who said this, ironically, knew this because they themselves were an expert at user error.

Tapping the Feminine Wiles

21 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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Something that has been brought to my attention about interacting with men lately has been the old saying, “You get a lot further with honey than vinegar.” It’s another way of saying, tap your feminine wiles when dealing with a man.

Now the concept of feminine wiles is often regarded with scorn, as if they are either a sign of weakness or some dishonest way to manipulate men. And when employed for the wrong reasons, they certainly can be. But feminine wiles can also be used in a positive way, to improve communication and understanding with your mate, and that’s the way I am discussing them here.

Modern women, myself included, tend to use a very direct communication style with men. They say (or worse demand) what they want. Thing is, it doesn’t work very well, and often shuts a man down even if the request itself is a good or constructive one — the tone and the manner presented can create a situation where he is more likely to resist —  no matter what is being said. You could be shouting at him that he needs to go and buy that new red Cobra Mustang RIGHT NOW OR ELSE and he’d likely say, “No way.”

A friend of mine was sharing some stories of struggles in her marriage yesterday and it occurred to me it wasn’t what she was saying that was the problem, it was how she was saying it. And while I am not as brash as her, it’s a mistake I have to admit I have made myself both recently and in the past.

When I suggested a more indirect, buttered up, sugar on top, asking not telling approach to getting her husband’s cooperation, she literally bristled. And I think many women today do the same. “Why that’s weakness, that’s handing him the power, that’s not how it works anymore, I may as well be a doormat” etc. she sputtered. Even though what she’s doing is clearly not working, she stubbornly wanted to double down, increase the volume, and keep on doing exactly the same. And sadly, despite my advice, she likely will. Not good.

Yet for some reason she cannot see her actions are in many ways creating the very situation she is trying to resolve. She wants to feel closer to her husband, be happier, feel connected, have a good marriage. Harping at him or demanding that or listing all the ways he isn’t pleasing her or doing it right ain’t going to get her there, guaranteed.

I know I may be accused of being misogynist, but what she’d be wiser to do is tap her feminine wiles. Be gentle. Be nice. Ask instead of tell. Butter him up. Turn up the charisma. Give him a foot rub or better yet some good lovin’. Bat her eyes. Fuss over him. Dress pretty. Make sure he has a full belly and is otherwise content first before making any requests. Snuggle up to his side and say it softly. Approach him with respect, seeking his help and guidance in solving her issue. It’s called being submissive, and while it has fallen out of fashion, I’m telling you, it works like a charm. And it for sure works a whole lot better than coming at him like a shrieking, harpie shrew.

Unfortunately when emotions run high, it’s also all too easy to forget. In the heat of the moment you might win the occasional battle, but you’ll surely lose the war.

Sometimes it’s easier to show than tell. Classic movies made prior to the late 1960s offer plenty of examples of women using their feminine wiles, or indirect power. It’s not groveling, demeaning, powerlessness. Nor is it scheming, manipulative, or intended to do harm. It’s subtle, non-confrontational, and demure. It’s cooperation, not competition. And as the movies also show, it can make the strongest of men melt.

Or keep doing what doesn’t work. The “modern” way. But don’t be surprised to keep getting the same non-results. And if so, you can’t say I didn’t try to tell ya.

Tell you what, if you don’t believe me, why not try it? Just for fun? See what happens? I’ll do it too. Pinky swear?

Let those who have ears hear.

Thank God Men Don’t Get PMS

14 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by in Gender, Relationships, Sex and Such

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I saw a comment on another red pill blog that explained perfectly a key difference between men and women. I wish I had copied it then so I could paste it here now, because it was beautiful and poetic and explained so well something we women live with on a daily basis but men do not: shifting hormones.

The post was from an older man to a younger one who had lost his girlfriend, right before the holidays. It sounded like hormones were involved. The older man explained women are not like men. Women are more like clouds, constantly shifting from day to day and even minute to minute thanks to our ever changing hormonal state starting in puberty and going through menopause.

Clouds. I thought it a good analogy. And he said it not in a negative or blaming way, no “hormones make women evil” stuff, he just schooled this younger man that that’s how women are, they can’t control it, that dealing with women meant dealing with this, and that for a man being ahead of the curve instead of caught off guard (keep a chart, maybe?) makes relationships go a whole lot smoother. (I will try to find the original post and quote it….but that is the much less poetic and profound cliff notes version.)

I was blown away by his understanding of something I don’t totally understand myself or acknowledge nearly as often as I should. I don’t know about you ladies, but even after 30 some years of month after month, my fluctuating hormones can still catch me off guard, especially right before “that time.” And there I will be, pissed, feeling like I want to throw a car across the yard, picking a fight with my man, feeling it with every fiber of my being, and then the next day – Whoops! Oooooh…so that’s why I was so upset.

Then I have to admit it and apologize. How embarrassing.

Before you fight with your boyfriend/fiancee/husband/spouse/FWB/insert term here, check the calendar. It might be your hormones, not him. Just sayin’!

To the men reading along, I wish we could control it but we cannot. God knows I have tried, and I am sure other women have too. We envy your logical, steady (constantly on) hormonal state. I can only hope that there is an upside to all our female hormone induced shape shifting. (Oh yeah, those same hormones give us curves!?!?)

Whatever it is, men and women and women and men can’t seem to leave each other alone for long, so there must be something about it that works. Right? Um yeah….trying to think positive here, ok? Making lemonade and all that.

Or maybe it’s all just a cruel joke. The jury is still out.

Let those who have ears hear.

10 Surprising Things Guys Like in a Women

24 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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In the past year or so that I have been lurking about the manosphere reading what men have to say about love, marriage, relationships, and women, I have learned some surprising things, like they wish women would:

1. Be pleasant: That sounds easy, right? But far too many men say it’s is really hard to find. Today, men say it’s far easier to find what they don’t like in a woman: sassy, gossipy, self-absorbed, nagging, bragging, adversarial, independent, argumentative, drama-driven, immodest, and immoral.

2. Ask About What He Likes: Many men say they feel like far too many women seem to think a relationship means everything and anything SHE wants. Guess what? He had feelings, wants, needs, and dreams, too! Ask about them. Then remember and do your best to implement them into your time together. From as small as what’s his favorite cookie? Meal? Drink? Ice cream? To planning a trip to a place he’s always wanted to go, these actions will lead to huge bonus points for you!

3. Be Loyal: Men like it when women have their back in public (even if you politely disagree later in private). Guys also say it’s very appealing to know you won’t run him down to others. And you would think it would go without saying, but lots of men say far too many gals leave them wondering if they could be faithful, or would cheat if they got the chance. Men are very loyal minded. Trust is big.

4. Look Pretty: Men are very visual. And they like when women look pretty. Yep. I am not making this up! Skirts, dresses, flattering jewelry, attractive hair and makeup, and other “girly” touches make a guy visually happy. Not that he doesn’t like “the natural you” but he likes “the feminine flair you,” too. And he notices. Not that it has to be over the top. Think Marianne, not Ginger.

5. Be Supportive: Men say they can’t resist those gals that act like a first mate, not ones who war for the captain’s chair. A relationship is you two against the world, not you two against each other. Yet, men say they aren’t looking for doormats, either. Being supportive of his career, goals, dreams, hobbies, and struggles will pay off for you both. Oh and have your own dreams and goals, too. Men like to hear about and help you achieve those, too.

6. Have Your Finances in Order: Guys say too many women they have met seem to spend every penny they have, and then some. Debt isn’t attractive. And men especially don’t like women who seem to have a get out of debt plan of, “Find Price Charming who will deal with it.” Um yeah, nope. A woman who has financial self-control shows good partner potential.

7. Show Don’t Tell: Women tend to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling much more than men do. A man would rather his gal show him how she feels about him by being affectionate, attentive, and kind than by talking about it for hours on end (while not noticing he’s awkwardly wondering how to escape!)

8. Keep It Simple: Women’s minds are always on the go. We enjoy talking out loud with our gal pals, dissecting our every emotion and experience, pondering all the possible options and outcomes, and breaking it all down. Guys? Not so much. Guys are more bottom line. When you REALLY want to make a point, keep it to 5 words or less.

9. Maintain Respect: It’s been said that if they had to choose between respect and love, they would choose respect. Women usually answer the opposite – love. Obviously both are important. But you will get a lot of “street cred” with a guy by showing him respect, and especially keeping your emotional cool during heated moments. Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking his character.

10. Love Him True: Even some of the most gruff guys in the manosphere show a soft side when they talk about love. Men love with a devotion that few women can fathom, it is so different from our own feeling-based love. They say once a man loves a woman, he makes that choice and then will love her forever after unless she actively takes steps to destroy that bond. (And yes, his heart can hurt badly too, so be gentle with it.)

They don’t really sound all that hard to do, nor are they really anything new, buy guys say these traits are extremely hard to find in a woman, yet highly attractive. Why not adopt these irresistible habits?

Let those who have ears hear. And please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments. Have I left anything out?

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Fall Together Instead of Apart

25 Sunday May 2014

Posted by in Relationships, Uncategorized

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Guard your heart ladies, don’t fall for him till the feeling is mutual! Otherwise you may end up falling apart.

(I realize the Dixie Chicks have said some very controversial things, this post does not endorse or deny any of that, I just like the words and the sentiment.)

“If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me”

Was it the pull of the moon now baby
That led you to my door
You say the night’s got you acting crazy
I think it’s something more
I’ve never felt the Earth move honey
Until you shool my tree
Nobody runs from the law now baby
Of love and gravity it pulls you so strong
Baby you gotta hold on

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

We’re hanging right on the edge now baby
The wind is getting stronger
We’re hanging on by a thread now honey
We can’t hold on much longer
It’s a long way down but it’s too late

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

Ooh baby I couldn’t get any higher
This time I’m willing to dance on the wire
If I fall…If I fall

‘Cause if I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you gave me
Your going down wih me babt heart and all

If I fall…If I fall…Ooo yeah

Let those who have ears hear!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Be a Sucker

13 Tuesday May 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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There he is, looking at you from across the room. Wow, he’s cute! Your heart jumps. Before long, the two of you are maneuvering your way closer to each other. Oh my goodness, he’s saying everything you’ve ever hoped to hear. I’s just like in the movies! How could you ever be so lucky. Maybe this is IT?!?

So you bounce it off your girlfriends, who are all equally swept up in the romantic tale. Go for it, they urge you. Don’t let this one get away!

Screech. Brakes. Reality check.

If he’s that smooth, it’s probably because he’s done this little ditty before. I know you don’t want to hear that. I know I am throwing a big wet blanket on your true love tale. Trust me, I am a big fan of true love myself.

But ask a few guy friends, describe the interactions, and you will get a whole other take on who this guy is and what he is up to. If something is too good to be true, it likely is.

Maybe he really is that great guy he portrays himself to be. But watch out. Take your time. Don’t be a sucker. Slow it down. If he’s just spinning tales, he’ll tire of the game not working as quickly and easily as usual. And you will not be left reaching for tea and hankies.

If he’s actually a good guy, that will come to light too. It happens. We’ve all heard the tales.

But before you jump in heart first, do a little fact checking and recon, so you know exactly what you are getting yourself into. The best part about not being a sucker, is that you save yourself from getting hurt. And that’s a mighty wise thing for a gal to do.

Let those who have ears hear.