Tag Archives: highest life

Actions Create Outcomes

04 Wednesday Jul 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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Actions create outcomes — it’s a simple concept but one that often escapes people (myself included) when the way life is and the way we want life to be do not match up.

Consider the common problem of clutter. Actions can either lead to less clutter (steps are taken on a regular and ongoing basis to reduce clutter) or more (a one time effort is made or no steps are taken, the same actions that led to clutter keep occurring, clutter persists or worsens.)

Another example might be a personal goal, such as losing weight. Actions can either lead to weight loss (increase physical activity combined with a balanced, low calorie, high nutrition eating plan on a regular and ongoing basis) or not (any change is shortly abandoned or no increased physical activity, no change in eating habits.)

Perhaps the goal is financial stability. Actions can lead to financial stability (live below ones means, put extra toward debt reduction and savings on a regular and ongoing basis) or not (continue to live above one’s means or paycheck to paycheck.)

This concept also applies to relationships. Actions can lead to better and more satisfying relationships (taking steps on a regular and ongoing basis to nurture the relationship, increase positive experiences, and reduce negative ones) or not (give little or no thought or action toward improving relationships.)

As you may see, this simple but powerful concept can apply to all sorts of situations. And in every case the solution to whatever the problem is to TAKE ACTION. And often to take that action on a REGULAR and ONGOING basis.

Think of them as habits. At first doing things differently can seem forced and uncomfortable. But after about 21 days, experts say new actions become habits. Once this happens, those behaviors become part of the operational plan — working for (or against) you on autopilot.

So if there is something in your life that you wish were different the good news is in almost every case there is something you can do to change that — take action in the direction you would rather things be and then keep doing so until and after you reach the goal. The path from where you are to where you want to be is just that easy — and also just that hard if you want the outcome but aren’t taking the actions required to produce it.

It’s been said that often the biggest obstacle we face is our-self.  In most cases the only thing holding us back from what we want out of life is our own choices, habits, and behavior. The good news is — we can always choose to change! (And if it’s something you can’t change, you can still take action — accept it and focus on what you can change!)

Take action. Better days ahead await! (And now I am going to take action to water, pull weeds, and tend to my veggie garden, spending 15-20 minutes a day doing so, so I can later enjoy my goal to have an abundance of fresh grown flowers and produce this fall instead of it just turning into a weedy tangled mess!)

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Most Problems Are User Error

19 Thursday Feb 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Someone* once said to me, “Most problems are caused by user error,” meaning many of the struggles in life are self-created ones.

Realizing this can be a double edged sword. On one hand it is empowering — to struggle or not in most cases becomes a choice. On the other hand, it requires taking responsibility for your life outcome, owning that you are the cause of your problem.

Try it. Make a written or mental list of your biggest problems and struggles. Then ask yourself how many of them are actually caused by your own decisions and choices, or decisions or choices you should/could be making but aren’t?

It can be both painful and liberating to realize nearly all factors in life are within our own control. That life is, like it or not, good or bad, what we have made it.

Sure, there are exceptions, times when circumstances beyond one’s control impose suffering — like being born into a dysfunctional family, getting cancer, losing everything in a fire or natural disaster, being laid off due to a downsizing, having a partner dying or walk out with no warning, being caught up in a war zone.

But even in these cases, there is still a choice involved and that choice is how you respond to factors out of your control. Constructive or destructive, how you react to tragedy is still a choice completely within your control. (Understanding this is what heroes and inspirational souls are made of.)

Luckily, true tragedy beyond control doesn’t strike often in life. Most of the time there is no outside random situation or circumstance imposing the suffering. Upon examination, we are usually creating the situation ourselves with the choices large and small we make every day. In these cases it’s as simple — and as hard — as choosing to do different.

Pity parties, blaming others, or adopting a victim stance may soothe the ego, but they only prolong the suffering.

Start doing yourself a favor, if you have been falling prey to user error forgive yourself (we’re all human), then take ownership of your life, identify the user error that’s causing you (and very likely others) suffering, and take action to change the situation from what you don’t want into what you do want.

Whatever the issue, problem, struggle, or roadblock — from weight loss, to a career funk, to relationship woes, to money problems — it’s almost always just that simple, and just that difficult. Choices. Action. Not choosing. Not taking action. A good attitude. A bad attitude.

And the good news, or the bad news, is the only person who can do it, or keep yourself from doing it, is you.

Let those who have ears hear.

—————-

*The someone who said this, ironically, knew this because they themselves were an expert at user error.

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Never Ever Give Up

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by in Faith

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Without going into a lot of details, let’s just say the last year of my life has been perhaps the most difficult one I have ever faced, and there have been many moments where I have felt like I was not only at the end of my rope, but dangling on the last thread in mid-air and wondering how I could ever overcome the seemingly impossible obstacles and difficulties firing my way from all fronts (personal, professional, relational, parental, physical, social, etc.) in even one area, much less all of them?

Month after trying month, when one thing would wrap up and I dared breathe a sigh of relief, something new just as dire would emerge and the dance would start all over. It’s been like a sprint that’s turned into a long distance event and the finish line keeps moving, just when I am think I am almost there, surprise! The race gets extended again, and the finish line is again moved to a new undisclosed location.

As I said in my visualization post, something I circle back to when things just seem too big is the many times the impossible has become possible before. So many times in my life the right person, information, connection, or solution pops up in the most coincidental and serendipitous fashion just when I need it most and  I can only read it as a sign from the universe to just keep going…to trust.

One would think after experiencing this 11th hour solution phenomenon so many times I would have faith and simply believe. And I am starting to think this past year may have been a hammering home of that very point. Over and over. Oh me of little faith, do the lilies of the field toil and spin? Do the birds worry about what they will eat or where it will come from. And yet there I am, fretting with each new challenge just the same.

Just last week I was wondering if maybe it was time to cash out my chips and let go of a dream I have been working toward for the past 12 years. Maybe it was too big. Maybe I had taken on too much. Maybe it was time to accept defeat. Increasing thoughts of “Maybe I just can’t” or “Maybe I am fooling myself” have plagued me over the past year, and the never ending challenges fired at me have not helped ease my mind.

I operate a cottage industry, small, local, boutique farm-based business on my property and just celebrated the fourth year in business.

In addition to that I work as a freelance writer, but freelance writing work has been in short supply since hurricane Sandy hit New York where most of my major clients up to that point had their offices wiped out and in turn slashed budgets drastically overnight. Likewise in the past few years content sweatshops have sprung up and companies who used to employ freelance writers and pay them a living wage now are paying less than one-tenth that to companies that take advantage of newer writers and keep the profit to themselves. I could work for them, but by the time it’s all said and done, it barely covers the childcare much less pays the bills.

So what was supposed to be my “side gig” has unexpectedly become my main gig. And I am not the only one facing this scenario, I see people all around me struggling to find themselves a foothold in today’s quickly changing economy as their former profession seems to vaporize right before their very eyes.

So yesterday morning there I was, thinking to myself, “What I need is a BIG sale. What I need is to move a lot of product at once, wholesale. I know I will get less for it, but at the same time it would be a nice cash infusion to put some space between myself and the wolves at the door. That’s what I really, really need.”

It’s been a recurring thought actually as I realized over the winter months that the seasonal nature of my business just doesn’t bring home the bacon during the wet, cold winter season. My direct to customer business sale strategy worked when I had the writing income to cover the day-to-day expenses but without that, I needed to set up a more consistent cash flow. Somehow.

Not three hours after thinking how what I needed was to make that BIG sale happen and asap, I am outside weeding and cleaning up for the first wedding of the season this weekend (I also rent my property out, for such events, as a side income) and I see a car parked at the gate. Then I spy a little fellow coming up the walk.

“Can I help you?” I asked, figuring he was going to hit me up for a donation for a local charitable event.

He introduces himself and says he works for a local distributing company who is looking to build out their hyper-local offerings and he had heard great things about my product and so he was wondering if I had ever considered selling some of it wholesale?

As much as I wanted to hug him and jump up and down, I play it cool. “I have thought about it,” I say casually. “But the price would have to be right. What are you offering per unit?”

Inside I am thinking, “Just say $10. I can do $10. I’d gladly do it for $10. Please God, at least say $10.”

“Well it’s really up to you,” he says, “But right now others in the area are selling for between $11 and $14 per unit.”

Controlling myself, I nonchalantly say, “I could probably let some go for that. So how much are you willing to take at a time?”

Inside I am thinking, “50 cases. Please say 50 cases. 50 cases would be perfect!”

“We usually buy a pallet at a time, mixed varieties.”

“Hummm, a pallet,” I say. “So how much is that?”

“50 cases, more or less,” he replies.

Inside, I am doing the happy dance. Yes!

“I’d be interested,” I say. “I have been thinking it’s time for me to consider wholesale, in fact I was thinking it just this morning, funny in fact you showed up today.”

Then we shoot the breeze, I share my story of how I got into all of this, he shares his background, we banter around some ideas for positioning the hyper-local offerings they are lining up and share some markets I wouldn’t mind getting my product into. Soon we are dreaming together, totally in tune and in step about how all this could roll out and be a win-win for both of us. We shake hands, I say I am in, I will get to bottling, and that he should go ahead and start making some sales calls. Let’s do this!

As he pulls away I thank God and the universe and breathe a huge sigh of relief. Maybe all this is going to work out after all. Maybe even better than I had dare hoped!

And then I check my e-mail and there is a message waiting for me from a client I would be ghostwriting blogs for (a medical group) that I had spoken to several months back but had figured didn’t work out. They want to get going, and asap. And they are paying my old rates, not the sweatshop ones. And they pay every two weeks, direct deposit. Will that be ok? When can I start?

Yes, yes it will. I am available immediately. Let’s get started! You bet!

And just like that I am reminded that it’s always darkest before dawn. Sure there are multiple challenges ahead, things could go wrong, but then again things could go right. You can never give up. And you can never lose faith. Because what you want more than anything often falls right into your lap just when you need it most. And when it does, rejoice and be grateful and ponder how sometimes it’s not so much about us making it happen, as it is surrendering to the reality that it’s way bigger than you, and it always has been. And when it seems like nothing is happening, a lot is happening that you just don’t know about. No matter how bleak things seem, the solution is to get up, show up, give it up in prayer, and take it one day at a time. The rest will take care of itself.

Let those who have ears hear.

(This post is dedicated to the memory of two individuals who tragically did give up in the biggest possible way, and to all those who struggle with similar thoughts. DO NOT GIVE UP. If you are alive, it is because you are supposed to be! Stick it out and find your purpose, you are here for a reason. Do not let the darkness in your mind win. Please do not. If you think nobody cares, know it’s not true — I care. Be a light unto the world. Be a survivor story. If you are in crisis, you can find help and someone to talk to anytime, day or night, right here. Promise me right now you won’t give up, that you will never give up. The world needs you. We are all in this together!)