Tag Archives: hooking up

Consenting Adults?

11 Friday May 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 40 Comments

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This article featuring real life stories of college age consent (or not) stories is a good illustration of just how blurry the lines can be.

In some cases consent is explicitly asked. Some welcomed being asked. Some found it unsettling, unnecessary, even off-putting. Even when directly asked, some still said yes when they wanted to say no.

In other cases no verbal consent was asked. Again sometimes that was ok. Sometimes it was not. Sometimes it was ok at the time but later not. Sometimes it wasn’t ok and that was ok. Sometimes it wasn’t ok but happened anyway.

In some stories one person wanted to say no but never actually did for various reasons. Out of politeness. Out of shame. Out of inexperience. Out of guilt. Out of habit. Out of resignation. In many cases the other party may have had no idea. And in other stories they probably did.

Some stories are confusing. Sad. Painful. Tragic. And some are good stories. Good experiences.

Overall they are a good illustration of how consent is not as easily defined, understood, given, or received as campus posters or talks may make it seem. In many stories the person themself is unsure if they consented or not, wanted to or not, were violated or not. Often the other person had no idea. Was never told of those thoughts.

Some stories were from the other side — of people who later wondered if they had missed signs of non-consent? If they inadvertently had violated someone? And in some cases how they knew they had.

As I read these stories one thought I kept having was how most of them could have been avoided by avoiding the situations and conditions under which they occurred. How not taking certain steps, actions, or crossing certain lines could have prevented them. And how maybe talking to young people about that might be the discussion that’s not happening.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

Don’t Ride the Carousel

18 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

≈ 140 Comments

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There’s a red pill saying called “riding the carousel” which, to put it nicely, means a gal sleeping around, hooking up, and having casual, no strings sex during her teens, 20s, and early 30s.

The first time I heard guys talking abut this in the manosphere, I was shocked how negatively they viewed this behavior, and the women engaging in it. After all this isn’t the 1950s, right?

Well the reality is even guys who are themselves involved in such behavior look down upon gals who are taking a “What’s good for the gander is good for the goose” approach to sex. The higher quality of “catch” a guy was, the less willing they were to consider a woman who had “ridden he carousel” as a serious longterm/lifetime partner.

Like it or not, believe it or not, this is how guys still feel today about all this. Even if they tell you they don’t! Even if they are trying to talk you into going home with them for some hook up fun that very night!

It’s been called lots of things, including a double standard, but it all goes back to biology — a promiscuous female is a cuckhold risk in a man’s eyes. And for a man, being a cuckhold is just about the worst thing one could be. Men have a very strong, visceral reaction to the idea. (Unless they have a cuckhold fetish, and well then that’s just another issue entirely…)

Consider the plays of Shakespeare’s era, all rife with jokes and references to cuckholding – it’s certainly nothing new. No guy wants to be tricked into thinking a child is his when it is not because he’s been with a woman who is “getting around.” (And in case we’ve all forgotten, sex is what leads to babies!)

For women, this is not a concern. After all unless the baby is switched at birth, we know a baby that comes out of our body is “ours” as silly as that sounds. But as couples who have experienced having a baby switched at birth experience, there is something profoundly disturbing and distressing about discovering the baby you thought was yours, really isn’t.

Or if all that makes no sense, think of it this way, when a hot guy wants to hook up or have a short term no strings attached sexual experience with you, he’s not saying it’s because you’re so hot. What he’s really saying is that you meet his minimum threshold for attractiveness, but not his minimum threshold for a long term or serious relationship. What he’s really saying is you aren’t hot enough! Ouch!

But yep, it’s all true. And I know that because I have heard guys say it anonymously online many, many, many times. So don’t kid yourself — and remember, you’re better than that! You deserve a guy who’s all in, not just a guy who just wants to put it in! And the guy who will be all in, he’s worth waiting for (and doesn’t he deserve more from you, too?)

Carousel Rider

Carousel riding. I would not advise it. Trust me on this one.

But what do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

 

Guys Don’t Like Sluts

05 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by in Sex and Such

≈ 74 Comments

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I don’t have much time to write this, so I probably won’t do this topic justice but I will try — short version, guys don’t like sluts.

In a world where people say, “Don’t slut shame” it’s not a message you hear very much, but I have heard many a man say so around the manosphere.

Young women are sold this message that to have sex “like a man” with whoever and whenever you want is “empowering.” What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, right?

But what this theory leaves out is that it’s not as easy for men to find women to have sex with as it is for women to find men to have sex with. All guys aren’t just going out and having casual sex whenever they want. They may wish, but even seasoned players like this guy, who literally makes a living trying to get laid and teaching other guys how to do it too, will admit, even for him, it can be hard to get sex.

The reality is the men women are having sex with aren’t “the average guys.” In the real world, about 20% of guys are getting 80% of the casual sex action. The top guys. The guys all gals want. Even the good looking but average guys, not so much.

Meanwhile even average to below average looking girls can pretty easily find someone to have sex with. He likely won’t want a relationship, or to marry her, but he’ll have a go. Maybe even more than once. Maybe he will even add her to his booty call list. He won’t judge her for sleeping with him. He’ll actually encourage it. It’s in his best interest. But is it in hers?

You see, women make the mistake of *projecting* it’s just as easy for guys to get laid as it is for girls. But it’s not.

And, the guys in the 80% who want to have a girlfriend, a wife, and regular sex who aren’t getting it, they do care if a girl is a slut. In fact, she doesn’t even have to be “a slut.” They care if she’s even semi-promiscuous. They care how many other men she’s slept with. They care if she’s ok with casual sex or one night stands. And if she is they value her less, as a potential serious partner, for doing these things.

There, I said it. I have a feeling it is not a popular thing to say, but I think far too many women don’t realize this, at their own doom. Ladies, I am not telling you what to do with your body, but I am telling you the “nobody cares anymore” thing is a myth.

Why do men care? It’s actually not about a moral judgement, although that’s what kept women from sleeping around in millennia past. It’s biological. Even in a world with birth control, this is ancient programming and not easily overwritten. In the past having sex meant making babies. And if a woman was having sex with multiple men, she was a risk.

See, a women knows 100% that a baby in her belly is hers. A man, especially in the days before over the counter paternity tests, does not. He’s taking a big risk and is putting a lot of faith in the gal to believe that’s HIS baby. This is a hard concept for women to grasp I think, because they would never be in that situation.

But imagine if you went to the hospital and had a baby. And then they just handed you a random baby from the nursery, and said the baby was yours. Sure, you would think the baby was cute, and you would probably love it and care for it, but wouldn’t you really want to take home and raise YOUR baby? Wouldn’t you wonder if it was your baby, and if not where your baby was and how it was doing? So why would a guy not feel the same?

That’s why men don’t like sluts. Or as a male friend put it, “Oh we like sluts, but not for a girlfriend or wife.”

Men value loyalty and fidelity very, very highly. If you want a good man, you should be protecting your asset, which is your self. Women hold the key to sex. Likewise, men hold the key to commitment. This used to be the trade – sex for commitment. But in a world where women are handing out their key, men are withdrawing their side of the deal as well. Fair is fair.

This post may bring on a hail of hate rain, I am talking a big risk calling a spade a spade here, but if you don’t believe me, just ask the guys. They will tell you it’s true. I am only trying to help women understand it, for their own sake, before it’s too late and her only option left is dealing with the fallout.

Let those with ears hear.

Is That a Yes or a No?

22 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Sex and Such

≈ 17 Comments

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Ladies, you may have heard about the new “Yes Means Yes” (YMY) law passed in California. If not, in short it says that on all state-funded college campuses in CA, any “sexual activity” has to be proceeded by a clear  “Yes” or it would be considered “sexual assault.”

Those who support the law say it will cut down on the number of sexual encounters under the influence where a person (assumed female) didn’t say “No” because they were too inebriated to. The logic goes if she can’t say “Yes” then it’s sexual assault.

Opponents say it could possibly lead to a lot of false allegations and will only further divide men and women.

I think it’s a bad law and I don’t believe it will prevent what it is intended to prevent.

First of all, many of the the terms used in the law, like “sexual activity,” are pretty vague. Does that mean holding hands? Kissing? First base? Second base? Third base? Home run? And what is “sexual assault” exactly? Rape? Any contact?

Second of all, whether or not a person (assumed male) crossed the line and what the sanctions will be will be determined by the college, not by a police investigation and fair trial in a court of law with guarantees of due process and all the accompanying checks and balances.

Now don’t get, me wrong, I think having sex with someone who is so inebriated (or for whatever the reason) they are not able to say “no” or “yes” because they are not conscious of what is happening is wrong. Or in more precise terms, having sex with passed out drunk chicks is not ok. It’s never been ok. (Nor is having sex with a guy who is unconscious ok.) Rape in any form is not ok. It’s never been ok. If someone is doing that, it should be reported to the police and prosecuted, absolutely.

But requiring there to be a explicit “yes” each and every step of the way along the continuum in any romantic encounter is simply overkill, not going to deter a true rapist, and is just not very romantic to be honest.

Ladies, your best protection against sexual assault and rape is to take ownership of your own safety and well-being, not to rely on outside forces to protect you or to set your limits for you.

For example, don’t drink alcohol in excess unless you are in a setting and with people who are unquestionably safe. Getting drunk to the point of passing out at a party where who knows who is there is simply bad judgement. That’s not me saying a person deserves it, that’s just me saying don’t do it. Don’t put yourself in that position. Don’t rely on someone else to make good decisions for you. You need to be ready and able to make those decisions for yourself. Own your choices. Own your power.

Likewise, you’ve heard this all before but don’t get in a car alone or go somewhere alone with anyone you don’t absolutely know and trust. Always take responsibility for your personal safety and take precautions to avoid situations where you could be at risk of sexual assault. Go out in groups. Or meet someone new in a public location. Let friends know who you are with and where you are going and check in with them for safety. Don’t let someone you don’t want to be alone with isolate you. Don’t leave your drink unattended. Don’t drink anything anyone else hands you. Be ready to defend yourself if needed.

And realize it’s a dangerous world. Bad things happen. Bad things could happen to you. Realize that you could get raped. Realize that YOU are the best person to prevent that from happening. Don’t leave that up to someone else, to school officials, to the government, to strangers, to outside forces, to chance.

Again, I am not saying that a girl who makes bad choices deserves what she gets or women who get raped necessarily made bad choices or could have avoided it. But I am saying that by making good choices you can avoid most if not all of the most common situations where you could get sexually assaulted or raped. And you should be making those good choices. That is your responsibility, as an adult. That is your responsibility, to yourself.

I know, I sound like your mom. Or if your mom hasn’t said this to you, she should.

Bottom line, laws like this operate on the assumption that people can’t handle freedom, so government needs to intervene. And guess what? That only leads to less freedom. We women wanted rights. We women wanted choices. We women wanted freedom. And now we women need to take ownership of the responsibility we wanted, not cry “victim” and look to outside forces to do it for us.

Let those who have ears hear.