Tag Archives: ltr

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Picture It

26 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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As the saying goes, if you don’t know where you are headed, any road will take you there.

That’s why I am a big fan of clarifying what it is you want in your romantic life to increase the odds you’ll end up reaching your desired destination.

In fact, it was that very thing that led me to the land of the red pill. After a puzzling relationship and break up, I went looking for answers about love, relationships, and what did and didn’t work in hopes that would help me figure out what I was doing wrong so I could for goodness sake start doing it right.

While I can’t say I have arrived at my desired destination, have found my true love ever after, I can say that I have learned a lot in the past year about what I do and don’t want in a romantic relationship and that alone will likely increase the odds of finding it over continuing to be haphazard and hope it all turns out for the best. I’m closer now than I was then.

Now my vision may not be the same as yours or anyone else’s, and to each their own. As I examined my heart I realized I am a pretty traditional gal and so that for me love means marriage and not just to anyone, but to someone I love truly, deeply, and madly who feels likewise about me.

Because my faith is important to me, and I have learned the hard way why one should not be unequally yoked, that’s another perimeter on my list. However, as I am not a radically conservative religious zealot, in this area I seek someone who is seeped in the spirit more in the love thy neighbor as thyself type of way than in a hellfire and brimstone one.

I also believe in traditional gender roles, that love works best that way. So this is another thing I look for in a potential mate: Does he share the vision of a Captain and First Mate scenario? Is he a wise, capable, and just person who will make a good lead? Is he headed in a direction I would want to follow?

I’ve spent many hours over the past year refining this vision of true love and as I date I circle back to it often. It (and prayer) helps center me and to guide my path. While I don’t want to err on the side of having such a long list of requirements or being so picky that I never find someone, I also don’t want to spend too much time dating those who want something other than what I do or who don’t share similar values and goals.

In fact writing this blog and reading a handful of other red pill sites has been another way that I further hone and crystallize that vision as I find that writing and reading about love and relationships helps me get my head wrapped around how to navigate the path less traveled, and how to do it differently than how most of the rest of the people around me are doing it or how I have done it in the past.

I also spend time visualizing what I will do and bring to the love equation, how I will nurture and support my partner, what I will do better and differently thanks to all I have learned. I don’t just envision what I will get out of love, I also envision what I will give to love and to a relationship.

On days of doubt or discouragement, I will visualize finding true love either by listening to music (sometimes posted here), picturing it in my mind, thinking about the couples I know who have found it and have relationships like the one I seek, making a collage or art projects with images surrounding the theme, and other such rainy day exercises.

Not to sound new age, but I do believe that what we set our mind upon is what materializes in our worlds. Thoughts are powerful and they can shape one’s life. So rather than think about all the possible obstacles and things that could go wrong, I work hard to keep my thoughts in the positive: It is out there and I will find it and it will be more than worth the time and effort and energy I am putting in now to make sure that when I do I will be ready to embrace it with my whole heart and give it all I’ve got, come what may, thick and thin, richer and poorer, forever and ever after, amen.

This same visualization approach has never failed me in other areas of my life, in fact it’s many times made the impossible somehow become possible, and usually in ways that are even better than my wildest dreams. Why would it not with love?

So ladies, if you have found love lacking, why not try visualizing your own ideal picture of what you seek and you offer? I think you might find that once you do,  it makes the confusing obstacle course called dating a bit easier to navigate. Once you know where you want to go, which path to take to get there suddenly becomes a lot more clear.

Let those who have ears hear.

Beware the Carousel

25 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Sex and Such

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Have you ever heard the term, “She’s a carousel rider?”

If not, it’s a derogatory way “Red Pill” men refer to a woman who is single and sleeping around. The carousel rider may be involved in a string of semi-serious or serious monogamous relationships, short term flings, one night stands, casual hookups, or some combination of those options.

And they care. And they notice. And even the most self-proclaimed man-whores (his claim, not my label) among them look down on women for it.

“What?” you may ask. “How can they? Men sleep around all the time! What’s good for the gander is good for the goose. That’s a double standard. My body, my choice.” And so on.

And while that all may be true and women have been told that men don’t care anymore about these things, clearly they do.

Why? Well believe it or not, it’s a rather small number of men who are enjoying the sexually open marketplace we currently live in. Many good solid guys who are perhaps less charismatic, or less able/willing to chat up the ladies, who are sitting it out for moral reasons or who are actually pursuing their studies instead of pursuing tail, or whatever — are not getting laid every weekend, whenever they feel like it. Like the gals their age are. And while they sit on the sideline, watching girls ride the carousel, they are taking note.

Why do they care? Aren’t they just bitter losers with small dicks who can’t get laid? At first some struck me that way, but after listening to them tell their side of the story another version emerged. Many are actually good solid guys who still believe in love and romance and all those things so currently out of fashion. (They are called “betas” unlike that hot stud at the bar all the girls want, he’s an “alpha.” p.s. Alphas rarely commit, because like you, they have lots of options. Betas, on the other hand, fall head over heels in love with girls, and while they are often maligned, I believe many to be great mate potential. You may want to stop putting them in the friend zone and try going out with them, instead. Another thing you may not have been told so clearly anywhere else.)

These guys say what bothers them the most is this. The thought that these girls are out in their teens, 20s and 30s whooping it up, sleeping with the hot guys, doing all sorts of who knows what, and how they don’t want to have to compete with all those memories later, when those same girls decide “someday” they want to settle down, with a good man, who has a good job, and who would make a great dad. Yep, those same guys who are sitting at home, without a date, reading, cooking gourmet meals, and pursuing interesting hobbies, because girls they like aren’t calling or texting, because they are hung up on or chasing after some alpha, right now.

Some would say women are and have always been the gatekeepers on sex. Men are in turn the gatekeepers on commitment. In days past, men got sex by making a commitment. Today, with birth control, sex doesn’t inevitably mean pregnancy, as it once did, and so these good guys say women opened the gate on sex, and now good men are in return withdrawing the option of commitment. After all, they say, a deal is a deal.

So not that I am judging, heck I am no saint myself, but before you go home with that amazing studly guy you just met, ask yourself this, is that something you are going to want later tell the man you want to marry? And how will he feel about your “finding yourself” in this way?

And yes, some men won’t care, maybe they are out there shagging it up too, and they get it that things have changed. But trust me, I was surprised myself to read on many a message board as man after man said, “No way. I won’t want her,” on no uncertain terms. And I wondered how many women realize this and are factoring that reality into their casual sex decision making?

Not to sound like your Mom or something, but is your going home with this man who is saying to you clearly that, “No strings, just sex” really in your best interest, anyway? Condoms (if you are actually using them) only protect against so much. There are STIs (sexually transmitted infections) like hpv (genital warts), herpes, crabs and other things you can still be exposed to even if he wears a condom, things you won’t be proud to tell your mom, or anyone, about.

Plus, even if you escape any infection, will all of those casual sex experiences also create a hardness and jadedness in you, over time, as you get your hopes up that maybe this hot guy will be different, or this hot guy will suddenly decide you’re “the one?” At a certain point, a woman has to turn off the emotional switch that successful long term relationships depend on in order to be OK with the casual “Sex in the City” experience.

Carnivals are fun, no doubt. But chances are they aren’t a place where you would want to live or be for the rest of your life. So beware the carousel. Everything has its price.