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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: men and depression

Update

01 Thursday Aug 2019

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill, Uncategorized

≈ 65 Comments

Tags

bad marriage, divorce, drafthorse, inspiration, life, men and depression, middle age, red pill, suicide risk

Hello again! Its been awhile. Lots and nothing much has happened in the past few months. Still watching the world and looking at things from a red pill perspective, as always.

I have an update on my college friend. Somewhat of a red pill awakening.

As I said back in a previous post, he was in a bad situation, and struggling. To say he was blue pill was putting it mildly. He was the draft horse described in many a manosphere post.

After we had a few red pill conversations and I sent him some of the links many of you kindly shared, I didn’t hear much from him for awhile.

Then one day he reached out, saying he was the frog in the pot of water and the water was just too hot.

He had said once before, after we chatted about not much of anything, that he decided to put the gun away. It was only then that I realized his telling me he felt suicide was the only way out were not exaggerated. He’d literally been sitting there with his gun in the dark. Thank God he reached out, and I happened to be awake. I told him I hoped he’d always put it down and reach out.

Something about his tone this day too was very alarming. It was like he was trying to explain it was all too much, and that he coukdnt take anymore, and he was saying goodbye. Then…nothing.

I panicked, thinking the worst.

I immediately asked my guy what to do? Wait and see or call 911? I didn’t even remember where my froend lived exactly, having only been to his house once back in college. Luckily my guy’s mad research skills soon had the address.

Still no reply from my friend. So I called 911.

The operator took down the info but I was not sure how urgent they took the call. They’d have someone call, she said.

I was supposed to open my biz in less than 15 minutes, but my gut would not be quiet. I am not sure why, but I called my ex.

“I’ll meet you there,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.  Even all those years later he knew exactly where the house was.

He got there before me and knocked but no answer. Finally a woman peeked her head out and quickly shut the door again.

Just after he updated me, the officer called. He was naturally skeptical and I was more than a little glad that he wasn’t going to just take some random gal’s word for it. But after I told him of the situation, and the gun thing before, and said I was on my way there, he said they would go check and to please not approach but let them handle it.

I was beyond relieved to see my friend standing in his driveway talking to two police officers when I arrived, instead of an ambulance.

As I sat waiting, I hoped and prayed I had not overreacted and just ruined his life.

Apparently he agreed to leave with the officers, and as he walked down the driveway he spotted me. I hopped out of the car and he came rushing over to hug me.

I said I was sorry if I caused any trouble and please don’t be mad at me, but I wanted to be sure he was OK. He said he wasn’t mad and thought I did the right thing.

Then he turned around and saw my ex, who had arrived on his Harley. I think he was even happier to see him than me and he rushed to hug him, too. He told us both he wanted to go with the officers, and my ex said he thought that was a good idea and he’d be in touch.

After they pulled away my ex asked me to join him for a bite to eat and talk. I caught him up to speed on what I knew so far, and he agreed better for our friend to divorce than kill himself.

“Divorce sucks but it isn’t the end of the world,” he said. (Surreal!)

He kept his word and followed up, agreeing with me our friend needed men to help him, not a woman, and that I had done as much as I could.

The next weekend they both showed up in their leathers on Harleys. Looking like a happy and motley crew.

Our friend has gotten help for his depression and is on an experimental but new treatment protocol that seems to be working. He’s also seeing a therapist who he said he likes very much. And is hanging out with my ex.

About two weeks ago he texted me out of the blue, “I’m getting a divorce.” He finally told her he couldn’t do it anymore. Done.

As I have always said here, if people can avoid divorce and make their marriage work, I believe they should. But sometimes, they shouldn’t. I think he’s wise to take a break and focus on finding himself. Who knows, maybe in time they will work it out.

I heard from him again yesterday and he was happy to share all he’s been doing. He sounded hopeful. It’s not perfect but it’s a lot better. And he’s not thinking of hurting himself anymore as an answer.

Anyway to be continued, but so far so good!

Its a red pill world folks, and we’ve got to look out for each other.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Men and Emotions

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender, Red Pill

≈ 322 Comments

Tags

abuse, battle of the sexes, break ups, commitment, dating, divorce, emotional abuse, gender, love, male emotions, malemental health, men, men and depression, men and emotions, physical abuse, red pill, relationships, verbal abuse

Before I started following the manosphere, I pretty much believed the main stream media’s portrayal of male emotions — meaning namely that men have fewer emotions than women.

Turns out, it’s not true. Men actually feel emotions very deeply, perhaps even more deeply than women. But how those emotions are processed and expressed is different, so on the surface this can give the appearance that men do not have the emotional depth or breath that women do. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Women tend to express emotions outwardly, talking freely to friends, family, and others about their emotions. Men tend to express their emotions inwardly, presenting a stoic face to the world even when inside they may be feeling anything but.

According to the “Mental Health” chapter of a book I have been reading, “Is He Worth It: How to Spot the Hidden Traits of a Good Man” by Shawn T. Smith, PhD, statistics show that more women than men are diagnosed with and on treatments for mental health issues such as anxiety or depression. This on the surface seems to suggest that women have more mental health issues than men.

But the author goes on to explain when one looks at the bigger picture, men are more likely to engage in substance abuse (alcohol, food, gambling, drugs, etc.) and are a full four times more likely than women to commit suicide. When these factors are taken into account, women and men struggle with these issues at about the same overall percentages, he says.

The difference? Women are more likely to reach out to their doctor or to a mental health specialist for medication and/or therapy when they are feeling anxiety or depression than a man, while men are more likely to self medicate and/or (tragically) commit suicide as a way to cope with their depression or anxiety.

It’s unclear if this is due to a gender difference, a social acceptance difference, or a combination of factors. In general women reach out to others for support, mainly other women. Men often only reach out to their own partner for emotional support, and less frequently to other men or family members.

It’s important for women to understand these differences because many times what seems like relationship problems, a man who is grouchy, sullen, and non-responsive, and/or engaging in substance abuse despite thing seemingly going relatively OK, can often be the result of his feeling anxiety, depression, hurt, or fear in other areas in his life, such as at work, and those emotions are then translated into emotions such as anger or moodiness.

Too often women respond to the expressions of anger and moodiness by internalizing them, thinking it is about the relationship, when in fact it may be completely unrelated. I have personally experienced this, and have seen it in other couples. I have even seen this misunderstanding between male and female emotions lead to unnecessary divorce.

Instead, a woman can and should step back, not take such expressions personally, but consider if in fact they may be signs her man is struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or hurt in some area of his life.  In this case, instead of engaging in conflict with him, taking a patient and empathetic approach combined with and some probing and problem solving may be a far more productive/constructive.

In other words, be a helpmate. Be on his team, rather than adding to his stress. You may be able to help. Or what may be needed is time for him to work it out with your support.

Maybe he needs to consider changing jobs? Maybe he is under too much financial pressure? Maybe he is under too much physical or psychological pressure? Maybe he needs to identify the cause and make some positive life changes that will lead to a resolution of the cause of his struggles?

I hate to admit this but it is true, when I was young and newly married, I almost entirely only considered my own experience, as many women do. What a mistake. I wish I had known this information earlier in life, so I could have been a help to my then husband in his struggle with his feelings about being in a dead-end, no-win, taken for granted job despite his being an excellent worker as well as understood better how his ex girlfriend cutting off contact between him and the child they had as teens were the cause of his drinking and detachment. Instead, like many women do, I was clueless he was even feeling those emotions and just assumed his moody, grumpy, sullen attitude was because he was unhappy with me.

Unfortunately this profound misunderstanding was a big cause of our marriage falling apart, because rather than realize he had for over 10 years been struggling internally with some very powerful emotions, I just assumed when no matter what I did things did not improve, that he just didn’t care to work on “our” problems.

Shortly after our divorce the company he worked for sold to another and he is now one of the most valuable members on their team. So much so the owner has taken him under his wing and is grooming him to be his successor. He’s finally being recognized as the true, loyal, hardworking employee he has always been. He’s also quit drinking, and has been clean and sober for many years. He reunited with his now grown son, and they have a relationship that brings them both great joy. He’s also remarried now, and he seems to be happily so.

I often ask myself “what if?” What if I had understood? What if I had reacted differently? What if I had waited just a little bit longer? But the truth is, I will never know. I can’t go back in time and undo what has been done. All I can do is acknowledge it, learn from it, and do different going forward. And I also hope my sharing this can perhaps help other women (and men) avoid the same outcome.

In short, men do have very deep emotions. When they are grouchy, sullen, angry, or withdrawn it’s often because he’s struggling with those emotions internally. Rather than add to his struggle, do your best to lighten it and to be a point of joy and refuge in his life. Men need their woman to be that.

Perhaps the men here would like to share… is this so, or if not, please share how so in the comments.

The more I learn, the more I see that men and women do not have to be enemies. In fact, I believe that together, as true partners, life is easier for both. It’s too bad society promotes a battle-of-the-sexes approach to remlationships, rather than a collaborative one. Luckily couples in the know can choose to be a team, rather than to be on opposite teams.

 

—————————–

(Please note: I am NOT recommending women silently endure abusive behavior from her man in hopes that things will improve. The above is referring to normal levels of anger, sullen, grouchy male behavior, not ongoing physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Likewise, men should not endure abusive behavior from women “because of emotions” either.)

 

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