Tag Archives: money

Keep Good Counsel

02 Monday Jul 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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Looking back, I can now see some “friends” who surrounded me during times of struggle earlier in life did not give good counsel. I wish now I had forgone their company for that of others who were on a more constructive path.

Now don’t get me wrong, they weren’t obvious degenerates as in they weren’t on drugs, into crime, or violating huge moral codes.

And yet their world views were very much shaped by the world, views I can now see lead people down disastrous paths.

The whole progressive movement of the past few decades has very much an on the surface sounds good quality. Increased rights, tolerance, equality, empowerment, personal freedom. What could go wrong?

Well, such thinking has (perhaps inadvertently, perhaps purposely) led to many of the social problems our society struggles with today. Not just between women and men in building healthy relationships, but in many other areas as well. Such as debt being now widely accepted as a “necessary evil” of modern life, to bring up just one example people may not think of connected to this.

A sliding moral compass eventually leads to an “anything goes” and “live and let live” mindset. But ironically rather than leading to increased harmony I can’t think of a time in my life I have seen people more divided, nor such hostility toward those who don’t embrace an “all paths are equally good” mindset.

I am not blaming others, nor am trying to encourage lack of personal responsibility for ones own choices. But looking back I wish I had associated less with certain people who held “of the world” views that in retrospect influenced my own choices and decisions. And many of these friends attended church, professed faith, mind you.

Most of these people I no longer associate closely with although we are still on friendly terms or I hear from them from time to time. But I no longer seek them out as I once did. And my life is honestly better for it, without the drama and angst some of them are constantly in.

Its not really new advice but I think it’s tried and true — surround yourself with people who are living good, successful, admirable lives — people who you aspire to be more like yourself.

Likewise, beware the company of people who are negative, toxic, always complaining or dissatisfied, making destructive choices themselves, etc.  Not to say one shouldn’t love and care for such people but too much of their company can infect your own thinking with the same, I have found.

If I could give my younger self some good life advice it would be this — beware the company and counsel you keep — it shapes your own views and choices more than you may know.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

30 Years In

16 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.

He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.

She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.

Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.

They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.

Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.

Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.

As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.

It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.

Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.

A Bride or a Wife?

14 Friday Oct 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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Recently, I helped at a wedding that provided a great example of the difference between being ready to be a bride versus being ready to be a wife.

The couple is in their 20s. I would guess she’s about 22, he’s in his late 20’s. They met in a rather unique way — she was on a blind date with one of his friends (it was not a match). He waited a year, kept tabs on her via Facebook, then asked her out on a date. Before the date was over, she says they both knew this was likely “it.”

This young couple impresses me in many ways. They are already committed to a debt-free lifestyle. They bought a piece of land and are building a home. They approach life as a team already. They are unusually sensible and mature for their ages, it seems to me. They are “on the right track” and seem to have a solid plan for their future.

All of this impressed me already, but I really saw that this girl was ready to be a wife, not just a bride, when the wedding day approached. By a stroke of bad luck there was a huge storm, and with high winds and pouring rain forecast, the outdoor fall wedding she had dreamed of was just not in the cards as planned.

Three days before the event, she accepted reality and quickly went to work securing an alternate indoor venue and rearranging everything.

Not once did I see her melt down. Not once did I see her feel sorry for herself. Not once did I hear her complain. No princess fantasy derailment. No, “My day is ruined!” She just bucked up and did what needed done. Like a boss (and I told her so!)

I have to say, she surprised me. I had underestimated her, as she is very attractive and seems like the kind of girl who has likely had a charmed and easy life. Or so I thought. I was surprised in fact when I met her parents to learn this very traditional minded gal had been raised in a hippie commune.

Who would have thought? A gal raised in a Northern California hippie commune would turn out to be such a mature, sensible, solid adult? Who despite both being raised in an alternative culture combined with the current culture, choose to marry and start her adult life young, and choose very well. Her husband comes from one of the most respected families in the area and he is a great guy. His choice of a wife reveals a wisdom and readiness to lead.

I predict good things for them. She’s shared that they plan to start a family soon, and after working in commercial daycare centers in high school, and despite being recently promoted to manager in a national coffee house chain with the promise of an upwardly mobile career ahead, they have decided when children come she’ll stay at home and raise them.

In any case, she’s a good example of a woman who is not just ready to be a bride, but who is ready to be a wife. It warms my red pill cynical heart to see, that sometimes people still manage to find their way despite the mainstream madness.

I hope to raise my daughters to be as wise as this young lady.  She’s a great example and role model for any young woman to follow.

Money Matters

04 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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I recently met a friend for lunch who I hadn’t seen much of since she got remarried about 18 months ago. After I caught her up on what was new with me, I asked how married life was going? Her face fell, and she replied, “Let’s talk about you.”

I probed more. They had faced several very significant challenges in the short time they have been married. He changed jobs. She tore her ACL and had to have knee surgery. He had been battling with a mysterious recurring sickness and was laid off from his job because of time off work. Then the worst blow — her mom, who she was extremely close to, died suddenly from a brain aneurism. It had been a bad, bad year plus.

On top of all that, she was about to get an inheritance from her mother’s estate and it was causing issues between her and her spouse. My friend is very thrifty and money conscious, where her husband is more laxidasical and has had trouble with debt before. As she talked I could tell there was a real power struggle going on between them over finances.

We agreed, when we both married young the first time, nobody had any assets they felt they needed to protect. Everyone was broke, and it all got built from the ground up. Back then what was mine was yours and what was yours was mine. Joint accounts, joint property ownership, joint everything.

Unfortunately, that joint everything became “half mine, half yours” after both of our divorces. Her husband had also been through that experience. She has one child, he has none. At 45, life is more complex than it was at 22. So they entered into their second marriage as many couples do, what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours.

Or, it sounds like that’s what she wants it to be. It sounds like he would prefer more of an “ours” model. This feels threatening to her because while he has the better paying job, she was the one who had a house (at the time they married it was underwater in equity, it is now back at market value plus her sizable down payment.) Her plan, before marriage, was to leave everything to her son, including the house.

And now there is a chunk of change coming in too from the sale of her mother’s estate, split between her and her brother. She didn’t say how much, but I would guess it is around a quarter mil. She’s the executor of her mom’s estate and has been dealing with some very yucky family dynamics as relatives came out of the wood works demanding “their share.” She’s understandably paranoid.

As I listened to her talk, I could tell that she had been keeping her husband out of any of the inheritance discussions. She considers this money “hers” and her plan is to sock it away for retirement, pretend it doesn’t exist.

He’s hurt by not being included, and feels the money should be “theirs.” He says that’s his plan when he gets his inheritance.

Then she dropped the bomb, she was considering a divorce before the inheritance is settled as the solution!

Wow. My red pill knowledge kicked into high gear. Frivorce, AFBB, hypergamy, solopism, all of it was right there front and center. She had been struggling financially when they met, barely making the bills. She welcomed him then. Now that she has a better job and this windfall, maybe she doesn’t need him anymore? I could see the hamster wheel spinning!

So I asked a few more questions. Was he physically abusive? No. Was he emotionally abusive? No. Was he cheating? No. Did he have an active addiction? No.

Then I said it. “So you got into this thinking forever or….?”

I don’t think that was what she was expecting me to say.

She paused, then she whispered, “Forever.”

“Ok then.” I said. “So let’s stop talking about divorce, and start talking about how you guys can work through this.”

It was obvious to me the problems wasn’t that she wanted to keep the money, or that he wanted to share it, but that they didn’t agree on it one way or another. I took a devil’s advocate role, voicing some of what I imagined her husband must be feeling (and I am sure it isn’t good!) I gently pointed out that maybe she was still thinking like a single person. Maybe she should at least include him in on the discussions about the money. Sit down, each with a piece of paper, and say in each of their ideal world’s what they would propose they do with it.

Ak. Communicate? She was obviously uncomfortable at the thought of that discussion. Then it came out, she wasn’t communicating much of any of this with him, she was having most of this discussion in her own head. And *bingo* that was a problem she had had in relationships before.

We talked about her mom, and what her mom might want her to do. I pointed out that the inheritance was a generous gift, meant to be a blessing, not a burden. And that I could understand why she wanted to tuck the money away, her mom was trying to make her life easier and more stable by leaving her that money.

We talked about some advice I had seen years earlier by the female financial guru Suze Orman. It was a question much like this, what to do with an inheritance? Orman’s recommendation was to take a set amount and spend it on something that would bring joy, as a way to celebrate the gift this person had given. Then put the rest away. Orman pointed out, otherwise in most cases, an inheritance is gone within a year with little to show for it in the end. My friend liked the sound of that.

As we talked further, my friend revealed she and her husband had not gone away together, alone, since they married. Her teenage son, who has a schedule packed with sports events that take up most weekends, lives with them. And they had also taken in her husband’s best friend’s teenage daughter, while he worked two week on, one week off shifts in Alaska. (The girl’s mom is a drug addict and not in the picture.)

Ah ha, it suddenly came to me! How about a vacation, alone, just the two of them, as the way to spend the part of the inheritance to bring joy? And not one big vacation, but 6 smaller weekend getaways spaced out over the coming year. And then maybe 6 additional weekend trips as a family?

(I wish I could say this was my idea. But it’s not. This is something my fiance told me was a requirement soon after we started dating, he would insist on us getting away once a month, alternating between family trips and couple’s time. I own a business that operates weekends, so I had not been away anywhere in a long, long time. At first it was hard to leave, but in the end he was so right! We’ve already gone on many fun adventures with the kids and by ourselves and that time away is always such a time of bonding. Now, I can’t wait for that one weekend a month!)

She liked it. The rest of our lunch went well and I could tell she was feeling a lot more hopeful about things than when she walked in. I hope she stops obsessing over the thought of divorce as a solution, and starts working with her husband to come up with something that feels right to them both. She’s a good person, who has been through a huge loss. I get how she could go there. But I hope she doesn’t.

After we parted ways with plans to get together in a few weeks, I met up with my fiance and shared what all had gone on. It was a great opportunity for him and I to discuss some financial details we hadn’t really gone deeply into. We’re still having that discussion, how do two people who have taken the divorce hit and have assets we fear to lose again, build a life together? And what about our children, and what we want to do for them? (He has 3, I have 2.) Will it be yours, mine, and ours? Yours and mine? Ours? We haven’t fully decided but we are discussing the pros and cons of each approach.

They say money is a leading cause of divorce, and I believe it. Money and the way we view it and allocate it are deeply rooted things. Yes. Money matters. But should it be a reason to divorce?

“For richer and for poorer, till death do we part.”

Let those who have ears hear.