Tag Archives: online dating

Put Yourself in His Shoes

27 Wednesday Feb 2019

Posted by in Relationships

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So often when I hear women talking of finding a guy they are quick to list all of the many qualities and requirements they want — the must-have list.

Naturally the list of often quite demanding. She only wants the best, after all!

Often if I ask her what she has to offer, I am met with a confused look and radio silence. Big mistake.

A woman who is serious about meeting and marrying a guy who is what every other gal also hopes to find would be foolish not to put herself in his shoes and consider if she is what a guy such as that would be seeking? Does she even know what that is?

And as many guys like that readily admit, the answer is usually, “No.”

Add to that the legal environment is not set up to favor, much less equally protect, him in the case of divorce and child custody, combined with a lifetime of observing this harsh reality in the lives of the men around them, such men today are even more wary of becoming a husband and father.

So he’s facing a dating pool of women who eagerly rattle off checklists of all he must be and do, who at the same time have little to no understanding of what he wants or needs, and meanwhile his odds are the same as flipping a coin that if he marries and has kids that he’ll end up in divorce court vs. that lasting a lifetime. Can you see why he may not be saying, “Sign me up!”

One can dismiss this inconvenient truth all she likes, blame his commitment phobia, or demand he needs to, “Man up!” But guess what? That’s not going to get her any closer to her goal.

A savvy gal instead becomes singleminded in figuring out what a guy like that is looking for and does all she can to develop herself and those qualities. The earlier in life she does this, the better.

Such women are exceedingly rare, some might call them unicorns. But in that rareness they stand out like a precious jewel — the kind of woman every guy is looking for.

See how that’s a two-way street? Yep.

Let those who have ears hear!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Today I met a woman in her late 50s or maybe early 60s who just started telling me her story, like many people do.

Turns out she’s engaged to be married, to a man who lives overseas. Kenya, to be exact.

He’s in the military she said, and the met via an online dating site.

She seemed like a nice lady, and was with her elderly mother. She has mid length reddish blond hair and seemed like perhaps a retired school teacher, or some such. She dressed very plainly, not much make up, her hair somewhat messy.  And she looked tired. Like she had the worries of the world on her shoulders.

She mentioned being married before, when she was 23. She said her ex-husband remarried recently at a popular nearby spot. She saw this on Facebook. She didn’t want a big wedding like that, she said. She wants to keep it simple.

I could somehow feel as she described what started to sound like an extremely complicated situation involving her sending tens of thousands of dollars to the fiancé so he could come that things may not be what they seem. There had been multiple delays, expired documents, more checks sent via money wire for thousands more.

He’ll be here soon, she said. I wondered if I sensed doubt in her voice? Soon… hopefully… she looked off in the distance, the words seemingly just hanging there.

Her mom didn’t know, she said. Nobody in her family did. She didn’t explain further, I didn’t pry. I wanted to ask more. I was afraid to ask.

I really worry for her and hope she is not being scammed. But as is sometimes said around here I had to remember, “Not my monkey, not my circus.”

Will she be another post-wall woman fleeced of all she has in the name of “love?” I hope not. Maybe someday she will pass my way again and I will find out how the story ends.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Choose Your Counsel Carefully

08 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s essential to choose your counsel carefully.

Whether you are looking for advice on your marriage, getting divorced, getting married, a romantic interest, or how to navigate the dating scene chances are almost everyone has a take on the “right” thing to do.

However, I have found most of the time that advice is exactly the opposite of good counsel! While it may be well meaning and well intended, if it steers you in the wrong direction the results can be disastrous and long lasting.

My advice would be to seek relationship-type counsel from male family members (who can often see through guy-games much better than any woman!) or trusted women older than yourself who are themselves in happy, healthy, long-term relationships. While they may not always tell you what you want to hear, the fact that they themselves are successfully navigating these waters, even if they have not faced your particular situation, suggests they have the experience to guide you to success.

Likewise, avoid the counsel of friends, family, and co-workers who themselves are not doing well or have not done well on the relationship front. While such women (and men!) can often seem to know what they are talking about, and even speak with authority, chances are their advice won’t work any better for you than it is working for themselves.  Especially so if their love life is a constant hot mess!

You see, advice geared toward single and married women today is often exactly the opposite of what works. And this bad advice is much more commonly available and espoused than good advice.

Often when a gal is struggling in her marriage, for example, she’ll find far more voices of support for her to just leave and move on than she will encouraging her to work things out.

Likewise, single women are often given advice that leaves them sitting by the phone wondering if a guy will call back or brokenhearted than advice that will lead to a stable, solid, successful match.

There’s a saying in the investment world that to win, one should do the opposite of what everyone else is doing. I think that advice can apply here as well. Because let’s face it, there are far more people in failed, failing, or miserable relationship situations than there are ones who are not. Doing and being different is likely the secret to those who find success.

So next time you find yourself wondering what to do about a relationship issue, remember to choose your counsel carefully.  Listen to those who are truly “winning” in love. Often their advice will involve patience, sacrifice of instant gratification for long-term results, grace, forgiveness, self-discipline, and other ways you can improve the situation on YOUR part, rather than a focus on, “what he needs to do.”

Perhaps the hardest part about choosing your counsel carefully is that the ones most worth listening to may say what you least want to hear. In fact, that alone may be a good sign their advice is on the right track. If it’s the opposite of 90 percent of the advice on love and relationships you see, hear, or read today, it’s likely worth pondering. If it’s the same old stuff you hear at every turn, beware!

I wish somebody would have said these things to me in my youth.  And I wish I would have been more discerning who I sought counsel from.  Most of my “advisers” weren’t doing well in relationships then, and no surprise they still aren’t today! Sadly, I can’t turn back time, but I can try to share what I have learned the hard way in hopes it helps others avoid the same path.

Today I am very selective in whose counsel I keep. I’ll take advice from someone who is succeeding over the advice of someone who is not any day! I would suggest you do the same!

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Young Love

24 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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This weekend I met a couple who revealed they were on the way to meet his parents. I congratulated them and wished them well. Then I just had to know, “So, tell me how this all began…”

They blushed and then said they had met online. I asked which site, just curious what seemed to be working these days. They hemmed and hawed, said it was embarrassing, and then admitted it was Tinder!

Oh dear. The story deepened. Turned out they had met just a week ago and were so swept up in each other he’d met her family the day before, and meeting his was next on the list.

It is hard to guess ages but I would say she was mid 20s and he was early 30s. Both were good looking and they seemed well matched. A dashing pair.

I overheard them talking about logistics, including his bringing up the idea of a prenup, which she initially opposed and then supported. Things seemed tense for a moment, but then they got past it.

I worried they are diving in, but then I do know a few couples who met and within a week were thick as thieves and are still happily married to this day. Or it could go just the opposite, hard to say.

Will they make it to the alter? Who knows. Maybe someday I will bump into them again and find out?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Facebook Follies

27 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Several couples I know in real life with a lot of strife in their relationships would do well to step away from Facebook and other forms of social media.

Why? Because in their cases rather than it being a place to truly check in on the latest from family and friends it has instead become a place to monitor the every friend, follow, and like of their beloved.

I know it may sound silly, but I truly have seen and heard spats over the most innocuous things.

I keep wondering why these people don’t simply COMMUNICATE with each other, rather than try to read the tea leaves of likes, posts, check ins and such. I mean I suppose one could like Sherlock Homes catch their partner red handed in some lie (why were you checking in at the club at 1 am when you said you were going home?) but why? I mean if you even have to have ask that type of question, isn’t that your answer?

I am sure most of these behaviors come from a place of insecurity, but to me they just come across as nails in the coffin — bad experiences rather than positive ones, accusations that will lead to less disclosure, not more.

If you find yourself Facebook stalking — stop! Stop and ask yourself why, what you are trying to find out, and if the skepticism is healthy self-protection or a warning sign of major troubles ahead.

Let those with ears hear.

Dating Is Expensive

11 Monday Dec 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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I have a friend who once complained when a man she met online planned a relatively inexpensive outing for their second date.

Instead of embracing a fun and creative day, she pouted the whole date and (surprise) wasn’t asked out on a third.

Dating is expensive, especially if he’s picking up the tab. Being mindful of that, and even suggesting fun but low cost date ideas yourself, is a good way to stand out from the entitled princess types and demonstrate you’ve got LTR partner potential.

Yes, dinners out at the best places in town are nice, but a gal who expects nothing less on every outing may find herself soon wondering why he never called again.

Oh and be sure to say, “Thank you.” A guy once told me it’s surprising how many women don’t, and when it happened, he would not call them back.

What do you think about the economics of dating? Please share in the comments!

Set Yourself Up to Win

04 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by in Red Pill

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A conversation with my oldest daughter about how she can “set herself up to win” at school by changing a few habits that are currently working against her got me thinking, we could all probably examine our lives and ask ourselves, “Am I setting myself up to win?”

So often, we get out of life what we put in. If we aren’t getting the results we want, it’s often because we’re not (actually) taking the steps needed to get there. Wanting something and taking the action needed to get there are indeed two different things!

Someone complaining about there “not being any good men out there” might want to reconsider her approach of meeting men primarily in nightclubs and other pick up venues, for example.

Another person who isn’t getting the response they were hoping for via online dating could stop clinging to the attitude of “if I have to lose weight to attract a man, then I don’t want one!” and realize that most things worth having take effort and work. She likely doesn’t want an overweight and unattractive man herself, so why would she think a man would be willing to overlook the same? (Remembers ladies: Female attractiveness is highly controllable.)

The gal who meets great guys only to have the relationships fizzle out with time might want to be truly honest with herself and examine if there are things she is doing that make her less appealing over the long haul (does she have a difficult personality, an entitlement attitude, unattractive lifestyle or personal habits that she could work on eliminating, etc.)

The gal with a long requirements list of what “any man who gets my hand” needs to do and be, but doesn’t have an equally long list of what she brings to the relationship herself, may want to shift the focus from what she’ll “get” to what she’ll “give.”

The person who complains, complains, complains about what’s lacking in her life but is taking absolutely zero steps to change any of the things she’s complaining about may want to ask herself, “How’s that working for you?”

Or in other words one can’t show up to life without their homework, with no pencil and paper, ignore the helpful advice of teachers and other advisors, not listen to what the assignment requirements actually are (not what they wish they were or think they should be), wait until the day before the term ends to ask about making up for missing assignments, and expect to get an “A” just because they showed up, kept the seat warm, and were “being themselves!”

Sure, it’s harder than blaming others or blaming circumstances. It takes effort to invest in self improvement and personal growth. It takes courage to do and be different. But victory goes to the bold, my friends! Set yourself up to win!

And when you feel discouraged or wonder if the effort is (or will be) worth it, remember, 80 percent of the people aren’t even trying. So by applying yourself, having a plan,  working your plan, and not giving up you are almost guaranteed success!

 

Can you think of examples where you have seen this concept in real life? Please share them in the comments below.

Life After Frivorce

17 Sunday May 2015

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A few days ago, a friend of a friend who I have seen around town here and there stopped in to visit. We got to talking and she shared her very sad story of her frivorce — and how very much she regrets it now.

They married young, had children, she was a happy stay at home wife and mom. As her kids got closer to leaving the nest, she started ruminating on what she would do with the next stage of her life. She was bored. Angsty. She met some new single gal pals and started hanging out with them, going out dancing and hanging out with them on “girl’s night” at bars.

She said at the time she felt these women cared about her, supported her, wanted her to be happy. They started to question her marriage, plant seeds of doubt that she was truly as happily married as she thought. The more time she spent with them, the more disgruntled about her marriage and husband she became.

She says now she believes what they really wanted was to drag her down into their misery. They weren’t happy after their divorces, weren’t finding dating to be as fun as they thought it would, and were basically a bunch of 50-some-year-old alcoholics, living pretty pathetic lives but acting as if they had it all.

Sadly, she sees this now, three years later, but at the time their “herd” mentality had a powerful influence on her and she started to put her new friends ahead of her husband and children. After one too many nights of her out at the bar and saying she’d “be home soon” he showed up to drive her home. She’d had too much to drink and an argument ensued. He tried to lead her out, and she cried “abuse!” Her new friends backed up her claim, and he spent the night in jail, was put on probation for a year, even when she recanted the tale. Too late. Their marriage was over.

I remember seeing her out and about over the past few years, at happy hours, all dressed up with shimmery makeup, waiting to meet yet another online date. At first she said she found this new freedom exciting, but after far too many bad dates it wore thin. Her new friends also lost their shine, and once she was single as well, they turned on her, considering her competition.

She met a man she thought was “the one,” sold her house, and moved to another town, only to find he changed his mind and left her shortly after. At 57 she is now alone, and barely making it month to month.

As she sat there telling me this sad tale, I could tell she would give anything to take it all back, to grow old with her faithful and loyal man. But despite her many apologies and trying to win him back, he’s not interested. (I advised her to keep trying, be open to him as long as she is alive and to be patient, maybe if she is lucky he will forgive her. And to realize it was a lot to ask.) Her children (three boys) also barely talk to her, and when her son married last weekend, she was not invited to be involved in the wedding or rehearsal dinner. Her sons would not dance with her at the reception.

She asked me to share this story in hopes that perhaps it would help another woman avoid the same fate. Her advice learned the hard way? Don’t do what she did. Don’t be like her. Avoid women who don’t support your marriage, nurture your relationship, don’t frivorce because you are “unhaaaaapy” or think the grass is greener. It isn’t. It’s astroturf.

Let those who have ears hear.