Tag Archives: parenting

Simple Beginnings

16 Thursday Aug 2018

Posted by in Red Pill

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I saw a quote on a reader board the other day that read, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

I thought it was such a simple truth — indeed that providing a loving, healthy, safe home for your family truly can make the world a better place. Not just within the home, but in schools, workplaces, and the community as your family returns that love, health, and safety out into the world.

Likewise, family dysfunction can haunt those involved for generations. And again, not just in the home but in schools, workplaces, and the community. Much of society’s biggest woes (crime, violence, etc.) can likely be traced back to an unhappy home as the root.

Fill your home with love today and every day. Doing so is naturally easier for those raised in such a home themselves. Yet it’s a choice available on a daily basis to all. I have known many people who have worked hard to give their families something they themselves wished for but did not have.

What are you “playing forward?”

Please share your thoughts in the comments!

The IKEA Illusion

20 Friday Jul 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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Yesterday, my oldest daughter and I picked up a bookcase she has long admired from IKEA for a birthday gift.

She’s been showing a lot of interest in decorating and rearranging her room over the past few years, something I have encouraged as I see it as practice for feathering and keeping her future home as an adult.

She’s shown herself to be quite creative and frugal — repurposing, restyling, and reusing items or moving them around and mixing things up to create fresh new spaces.

Shes also adopted a “less is more” approach, and has already learned that her room looks better and is easier to keep tidy if there’s less “extra stuff” in it.

She loves to study images of home decor, getting ideas and inspiration for seasonal touches or ways to make her room more cozy, comfortable, and inviting. All in all I think these are all good things to be learning and exploring not to mention practice for the future.  She could certainly be interested in less wholesome teenage pursuits and I am so thankful that she’s not.

But back to the bookcase. It was an adventure for us to go to the store, admire the various showroom displays filled with creative and appealing ideas, find the bookcase, load it onto the cart together, then into and out of the car, pack the big box into the house, and assemble it.

I am not the most handy person but I was the handiest of the two so my daughter looked to me to lead the way. We read through the instructions and got down to it. I gathered the tools and we went to work, step-by-step. Luckily there were no major snafus and after an hour or so of good mother-daughter bonding the bookcase was built.

As we were nearly done it occurred to me that we had just experienced the IKEA illusion — that with few skills or tools two rather not-handy people could successfully build something themselves!

I seized the teachable moment and we had a really interesting discussion about this illusion and how often in modern life we forget that for most of the history of humankind things did not come pre-cut, pre-drilled, pre-painted in a box with instructions.

We assembled the bookcase, but we did not make it. Without those who designed, engineered, planned, sourced the materials, cut, painted, drilled, packaged, and sold the bookcase, we would not have had that moment. Because of them, we could.

It was an interesting thing to reflect on and I could tell she understood. We may have successfully put it together but that’s does not mean we “built” that bookcase or that we now have all the knowledge and skill to build bookcases independently on our own in the future. It’s only an illusion that we, “did it ourselves.”

In any case, it looks great and she’s happily reorganizing, decorating, and dreaming of ways to make her little nest more cozy. It was a fun experience and an unexpected red pill moment!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Patriarchy

12 Thursday Jul 2018

Posted by in Fempire, parenting, Red Pill, Relationships

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When you hear the word patriarchy, what images and thoughts come up?

For many raised in a post-feminist world, images or thoughts of oppression, violence, anger, intolerance, abuse, toxic masculinity, and victimization may come to mind.

Yesterday I saw an example of patriarchy that defied all those images and labels. An example that perhaps more truly reflects the true concept of patriarchy.

I noticed the children first, at a small local family fun park where the girls and I had gone to spend a beautiful summer afternoon.

The kids ranged in age from about 17 down. There were lots of them, and they beamed with happiness and joy, good naturedly joking with each other, playing tag, and clearly enjoying themselves. There was a distinct innocence to them, a carefreeness and sense of absolute security.

They were all tastefully dressed, not overtly any distinct religious faith but also not in the latest fashions. Timeless but not at all out of fashion either. The girls wore girl cut T-shirt’s and skirts with Capri leggings underneath, and their faces were glowing and fresh but make-up free.  The boys wore T-shirt’s and shorts.

I could tell they were likely related because of their similar appearance and obvious close ties, I figured perhaps they were cousins.

A man not much older than myself followed the youngest girl, a cute and spunky little blond. She scrambled up to the top of a tall slide and fearlessly barreled down, calling to and waving to the man the whole way.

He laughed and beamed with pride. “Hard to believe she only weighed three pounds when she was born,” he said to me out of the blue. “She was 9 weeks early.”

“I was just thinking what a daredevil she is,” I replied. He beamed even more.

”She’s the youngest of 12,” he said, gesturing to the other kids who bounded around happily, playifully. “She’s three.”

“That’s fantastic!” I replied. “How old is the oldest?”

”Twenty-six,” he replied. “Ages 26 to 3!”

”Any grandkids yet?” I asked?

”The first is on the way this January,” he said.

”Congratulations!” I replied. He smiled a  lovingly proud smile.

The little girl then dashed off to the next activity and he followed at a close but not hovering distance.

Later in the evening I saw him and his wife. He tenderly held her arm as they steered through the crowd of people gathered on the grassy hill to enjoy a performance., heading back to their brood. They looked very content and happy.

I reflected on this couple and their children and thought how this patriarchy wasn’t as so often described — looked nothing like that, actually. It was remarkably refreshing, this family’s dynamic, I found myself wishing more families (of any and all sizes) today looked like that. Happy. Joyful. Secure.

Perhaps the patriarchy isn’t as it’s been portrayed? Perhaps there’s a much more positive side that is rarely celebrated or acknowledged today?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Father Insurance

17 Sunday Jun 2018

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On Father’s Day, it seems like a great time to bring up some statistics that show dads do a lot more for their kids than simply contribute genetic material. Consider:

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.
  • 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average.  (Center for Disease Control)
  • 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average.  (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average.  (National Principals Association Report)

To say dads are any less critical to raising healthy, well developed children is ignoring reality. So today, thank a dad for all they do for kids — and for society!

Happy Father’s Day.

What  do you think? Please share in the comments!

Working Mom Blues

17 Thursday May 2018

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Even though I work from home, I still face many challenges other working moms do, and some unique to work from home moms.

For example, my youngest is home sick today, and was yesterday as well. And that’s the struggle of being a working mom — it doesn’t matter that I am under the gun with a big deadline this week, and had an important meeting I had to cancel, and have a long to-do list of mission critical stuff otherwise. It all screeches to a halt, or a slow crawl at best.

I am not sure how moms who work in an office do it — I can’t imagine I would be able to hold down a traditional job and take off as many days a year as kids get sick. I wonder how many working moms are forced to make this choice — send your kids to school sick or send them to daycare sick. Neither is ideal, both for the sick child of course, and because this only spreads the illness around to other kids.

If I worked at a traditional job and had to take the day off, I’d go without pay but at the same time I would not be trying to do what I have been for the past two days… try to work in bits and spurts anyway. When you work from home and run your own business, there really is no “on the clock and off the clock.” Or one has to be really strict with themselves, because it’s just too easy for those lines to blur.

Not that I am not thankful I can make a living from home. At least I am not working 9 to 5 and then commuting on top of that three hours a day. I know many working moms face that situation, and I can only imagine what that schedule must be like. Grueling.

I suppose what I am feeling and am trying to say is being a working woman and being a working mom are two different worlds. And the worlds “working” and “mom” don’t always fit together so well.  In fact, I often feel like I am doing a half a$$ job at both.

I know being a SAHM has its challenges too, everything does (and I am not implying being a SAHM is not a job in itself, clearly it is!) But part of me wishes when my kids had a sick day, I could just spend it nurturing them without feeling anxiety about all the things I need to get done for work that I can’t, yet also feeling guilty for not being able to simply be in the moment with a sick kiddo either. To add to it, I am now sick myself.

It’s times like this I really resent who ever sold society on this working mom bit and that because of that I was raised to think I somehow could do it all, and all at once, and not skip a beat, and if I couldn’t I was some kind of a failure. I’d really like to slap that someone (or multiple somebody) right now! Instead I write about it, push back on the crazy or at least call it out, because somebody has to, right?

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. It helps to get it off my chest. (Not that I really had time to write it but better than just stuffing the emotions, or blowing up, hopefully my taking the time to write this not only helped me feel better, but will help someone else, too.) This too shall pass. Back to double duty, and really I am just going to do my best and try to feel while maybe not perfect, it is enough, and try to have a cheerful heart despite the current situation. As I often remind myself when I get in a funk, things really could be a whole lot worse (My child could have a serious illness instead of a minor one, I could have no work or income and we could be losing our home, etc.) and for that I am thankful they are not!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Help For Burned Out Mommies

10 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in parenting

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As regular commenter Stephanie recently wrote, as Mother’s Day approaches, she’s seeing more and more posts on social media bemoaning being a mom.

It’s a common phrase, “Being a mom is hard.” And for sure, there can be hard moments. But if you find yourself feeling it’s hard most of the time, chances are you may be a burned out mommy.

Many times it isn’t the mom part, as much as it is being spread too thin otherwise. Take a look at your schedule, are there some things on it that you feel you “have” to do when really they could be optional? Ask what you could pare back to take some of the pressure off.

If you are a working mom, chances are that alone may be pushing you over the edge. Over the past few generations it has become the norm that most moms are also working moms.  Basically that’s like working two jobs. No wonder these moms are so stressed out! If this sounds all to familiar, it might be time to reexamine. Before you say you can’t afford it, ask yourself what it is costing you, your kids, and your relationship to continue. Could you work less? Cut back on expenses? There are many articles on this topic online, and you might be amazed to find after you subtract out what it’s costing you to be a working mom, you aren’t really earning as much money as you thought. In any case, this is not meant to add guilt. Rather it’s meant to relieve it — maybe it’s not YOU, maybe it’s that you are trying to do too much?

Likewise, things like extracirricular activities and sports can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. You may feel like your kids NEED to do these things, but I would bet they would rather not do so much if that meant having more quality time with you and a happier, less stressed out mom! When such activities aren’t fun anymore, it may be a sign to take a break.

Maybe you are a stay at home mom? In this case, one reason I see moms getting burned out is because they spend TOO much time at home. If this is the case, look into low cost kid-friendly activities in your area. Getting out of the house to go to story time at the library or the local park doesn’t cost anything, but it helps break up monotony and not only gets your kids around other kids, you’ll find yourself meeting new people who you might share common interests with.  Sometimes just packing up cranky kids and going for a drive can be enough to snap everyone out of a bad mood. At the time it may seem like more work, but trust me it’s often a lot easier than staying home with stir crazy kiddos.

One more possible cause of mommy burnout can be a lack of planning. If you find yourself living in reaction to the day rather than feeling in control of it, this may be the cause. Sitting down once a week to map out meals, a few craft or play projects, some outings, as well as the things that need to get done like shopping and things around the house can help tame an unmanageable schedule. Knowing where your day is going right from the start can take a lot of stress off and help make sure all that needs to get done is, and that there is time allotted to do so.

Likewise, remember to take time to nurture yourself. Practice good self care: Eat well, get enough rest, make sure you are moving, and do little things you love to refuel your energy tanks so you can in turn nurture others.

In the end, while it may not feel like it at the time, the years your children are living at home will pass quickly. And those years will never come again. Fill them with fun times, happy memories, joy, and play. Not only will you find more days being happy mother days, you’ll be giving your kids a gift that will pay off for life — a happy childhood.

What do you think? Do you have any suggestions or insights on coping with mommy burnout? Found ideas that worked for you? Seen other people do something different that worked well? Please share in the comments!

Reflections on Life

27 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Faith, Red Pill

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This morning I took my youngest to the dentist. Because her adult teeth are coming in and her jaw is small, the dentist pulled two baby teeth to make some room so her teeth aren’t too crowded. Plus she got a filling and sealers on all her molars.

I was doing my best, but the idea of her being put under anesthesia was really worrying me. What if something went wrong? What if there were complications? Was it the right choice? (The dentist recommended it, saying it’s less scary for the child and then they could do in one appointment what would have been three otherwise.)

I put on a brave front, reassuring her all would be fine. I could see she was also pensive, but being brave. When we walked into the dental room, she saw all the monitors and equipment and started to cry, refusing to get up in the dental chair. Luckily the kind nurses had been here before and they were able to reassure her and get her to sit in a regular chair, then they put the anesthesia mask on her face while I held her hand and kissed her head. She drifted off and we moved her into the dental chair. At this point they asked me to go out to the waiting area.

After 40 long minutes, and gentle reassurances from several other sympathetic mothers who had been in my shoes before, it was done and she was awake again. No worse for wear. Luckily none of the possible side effects (nausea, shaking, crying, disorientation, etc.) occurred and as far as she was concerned, only a few seconds had passed.

I reflected how much things in dentistry had changed since I was a child. No scary huge needles, no shot, no loud drill, no bad memories. I hope she won’t have the dental phobias I do.

Every time my children go in for a routine and minor medical procedure I think how blessed I am that they are healthy, that we aren’t there for more serious matters. I cannot imagine what parents with children who are seriously or terminally ill must go through.

Like a mom and dad right now, in The United Kingdom, whose 23-month-old son’s life hangs in the balance. Alfie Evans.

Against his parent’s wishes, hospital staff and the courts have decided to take Alfie off life support, and to deny him food and water. A mysterious and undiagnosed disorder has left the child in an unresponsive state for months, with many seizures a day. The doctors have said it is hopeless.

Alfie’s parents have been desperately reaching out for help. The Pope got involved. An Italian hospital is ready and willing to take over Alfie’s care. Italy has granted him citizenship. It is what his parents want.

But the doctors and the courts have said no. The parents cannot even take their child out of the hospital that has effectively sentenced him to death. Armed guards are at the doors to prevent their departure.

For three days and nights after being taken off life support, his mother has held him, and Alfie has remained alive. How much longer without any food or water he will live, is unknown. His parents now just want to take him home, where they can be together in peace. The hospital says no, even to this.

I cannot understand how such a thing could happen. How a medical system and a government could superseded a parent’s wishes, could deny the child’s transfer to another facility who is willing to provide care, at no cost to the system. How could that be denied? And backed up by law? It boggles the mind.

I hope that Alfie somehow defies the odds, his parents succeed in their fight to get him care elsewhere, and that perhaps a miracle answer can be found. And that the madness will end, and the medical people and courts will come to their senses.

Tonight I have my child, happy and healthy and swinging in the late afternoon sun. Seemingly no worse for wear for her trip to the dentist. I count my blessings, and pray for Alfie and his family.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

Normal is the New Normal

05 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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This is the phrase of the week in my home. Written on the fridge in dry erase marker and everything. The kiddos have been put on notice.

The world may be coming undone but normal is the new normal in my home. I have decided it just makes sense.

Actually things are far from normal but we are going to aim for it. I figure even 80 percent is a win. After all, I have a little and two pre-teens (one, not mine, who made some really bad choices this weekend and is in super big time out for sneaking out w a friend in the middle of the night while supposedly on a sleep over at her big sister’s) and no time to waste setting the expectation bar.

I may not be ready for it but that doesn’t change the reality that it’s a whole new (teen) era and I am now a mom of two and a life coach and drill Sargent all in one for mine plus one. It’s sink or swim. Four (and some change) critical years lie ahead for the older ones, and little is watching and learning. No time to waste. Red pill time. I will not lose them on my watch.

What do you think of normal being the new normal as a family goal? Please share in the comments.

p.s. Feel free to add potential future phrases of the week for consideration in the comments as well. Seriously under consideration for next week is, “Adapt or die” (said w a wink but also THE look. Gotta keep ’em guessing!)

 

Teach Your Children Well

26 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in parenting, Red Pill

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Recently I had the experience of sitting with a 22-year-old gal as she filled out online job applications. Let’s just say, it became painfully obvious very quickly, this girl is in no way prepared for the world. Not even close.

I’ll spare the details to preserve the innocent but let’s just say if one thinks answering the question, “How long do you plan to stay in this job?” with “A. Less than three months” (even if true) is the “best” answer, one is missing something. Likewise filling out FOUR online job applications (and one’s top picks at that) with a cell phone number that is currently disabled because one didn’t pay it, as the primary contact, without realizing that is not a good plan until I pointed out the obvious, well… I was speechless.

Now I don’t know her well enough to know her whole story, but my guess is there is a big fail in there somewhere in the parenting of this young woman. My guess is the parent/s took the friend-rather-than-leader route, so popular today. She may mean well but she’s as clueless as a lamb to slaughter, wholly unprepared for the reality of life as an adult ahead. And with no safety net to fall back on, no kin themselves able to carry her for a bit more, this kid is really looking at a very tough and not fun future.

It’s all obviously her problem and responsibility to deal with now, but I would say it’s not totally her fault. Not that excuses will solve anything. It’s now time for this gal to focus on the solution, not the problem, or the source of these problems. After she overcomes them, maybe then she will have time for that. But first she’s got to grasp the problem, which her lax attitude did not seem to suggest.

All this brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere along the way, maybe in comments here, that kids have enough friends, what they need their mom and dad to do for them is to be their parents. Amen.

Not that I am a perfect parent myself by any means, but it was a reminder to me that I am my children’s guide, and while I am in the trenches day-to-day, my real job is to prepare them to launch into this world as a functional adult. And that the time to accomplish that in is limited, never to come again. While it seems far away now, it’s really right around the corner. If I fail them in this, I set them up for a lifetime of struggle, failure, and angst. And worse — dependance, victimization, and subsisting on the scraps of life.

A friend who is also a therapist once said to me, being a kid’s pal, giving in at the moment for peace and quiet, vs actually “parenting” them (with guidance, limits, rules, corrections, consequences, etc.) is the lazy way out. It’s selfish, and immature. It’s the strategy of a parent who refuses to grow up enough to BE a parent. Many times such a child has to do their best to parent themselves, and sadly also often parent their own parent at the same time.

I am not saying there is no hope ahead for this girl, but even in my infinite patience and innate desire to see the best in one, I was struggling to stay positive about her chances of a successful future. She has so much to learn, and the time to learn all that was long before now when she faces rent, bills she has no way to pay, and the very real possibility of being homeless if she doesn’t get a job, any job, in the next month.

When she was younger, lessons and consequences were smaller. The cost of failure, smaller to overcome. Now she’s near the end of the runway and there is yet no takeoff. Now what? I can only hope rubber grips road very, very soon and this failure to launch is somehow against all odds overcome.

In exasperation I finally said the obvious — “How about modeling?” The girl is very attractive, slim, six-feet-tall, and looks about 15. Naturally she said no, that would be “objectifying.” (“She’s got her looks and youth,” some may say. “Pair her off with someone to take care of her,” they may suggest? Too late. At the moment she is in a relationship with a gal even LESS capable than herself, if you can imagine that.  She’s somehow gotten herself into the position of being a sole breadwinner, minus the ability to bake.  A  Millennial experience? On the other hand, they may be able to move in with girlfriend’s mom so perhaps there is this??? Or wait, GF is less prepared, so this suggests even LESS parenting to be had at her place.)

At that point I decided for my own sanity to let it rest for the time being. Maybe after I regroup, I will give it another go. Maybe not. In the end, this is not my monkey, and this is not my circus. I can only do or give so much when I have my own battles to fight.

Teach your children well. If not, their future may well become a living hell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

They Will Attach to Someone

19 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in parenting

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I have just started reading a book, “Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate,  recommended by regular commenter HappyHousewife, and wanted to share the simple premise so far and how it explains much of what we see happening in our culture today.

Simply put, human babies and children form a primary attachment that guides them as they learn and grow. In years past, this attachment was naturally to the parents, who were the primary caregivers when most families lived an agricultural based, small village lifestyle.

This lifestyle can still be found in places today, such as Provence, France.  Children socialize as part of their family’s socializing. Everyone knows everyone. Multi-generational groups are the norm. Children were rarely apart from their parents, and when so were with people they knew through them.

Compare this to today’s post-industrial urban lifestyle where both parents work, children are often in group daycare from a young age, spend more time in childcare than with their parents, then the pattern is continued with schooling, often coming home to an empty house. Rather than bonding to their parents as the primary bond, these children attach to those they interact most with — their peers.

This sets kids up in a blind leading the blind sort of way. Language, learning, motor skills, and many other things are delayed because they are learning from these peers, who understand or master such skills just as little as they do. Also bad, peer attachment can be brutal, as it is not based on the unconditional love parent attachment is, but can be very fickle.

Additionally, whomever the child considers the primary bond is who they will follow,   listen to, try to please, develop morals from, etc. Children who are not listening to their parents, the author speculates, don’t have a behavior problem, they have a relationship problem. The solution isn’t punishment and rules, it’s reestablishing yourself as the primary attachment in their life (I have not got to this part of the book yet, the “how to” part.) Without it, you are fighting a losing battle.

As I said I am just starting the book, but already I can see there will likely be lots of post topics springing out of it.

It is a great time for me to be reading this book because so far, I still am the primary source of attachment in my children’s lives, and now I can see even more why I want to keep things that way until they reach adulthood.

Today, many children in the pre-teen and teen years become peer focused, causing the many problems we see today of formerly “good” kids suddenly not listening to their parents anymore, because they are listening to their friends (and other influences like media) instead. While society says it is, “normal” this author speculates it is not, and it is something parents should be aware of preventing. If their friends rule, trouble ensues.

Looking back at my own childhood I can see I peer attached at a rather young age. How about you? Thoughts?