Tag Archives: positive thinking

Self Talk

29 Thursday Mar 2018

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Have you ever stopped to conciously think about your self talk? You know the voice inside your head commenting on your choices, actions, successes, and failures?

Most people probably don’t stop to think about what they are saying to themselves, but it’s well worth doing because self talk is powerful stuff.

Self talk seems to have a personality of its own almost. It can be stern, critical, and unforgiving, or it can be bewildered, unsure, and confused, or it can be spiteful, bitter, and angry, or it can be melencholy, sad, and discouraged, or it can be joyful, lighthearted, and fun, or it can be kind, encouraging, and supportive.

The good thing about becoming aware of one’s self talk is it allows you to then ask if your self talk is working for you or against you. You can change that self talk, start to direct it, rather than let it simply run wild.

Today take note of your self talk, Ask yourself if it sounds more like a friend or a foe. If you don’t like what you are hearing, make it a priority to train your self talk in a better direction.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Look For The Good

28 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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There is something about the human mind that tends to notice what’s wrong more that what’s right.

I would bet there’s a good reason, like being able to spot the potential dangers and threats quickly was once key to survival, and those who did it best survived.

But it can have a downside as well that can steal a lot of joy from life, relationships, work, and play. It can create a filter that screens out the many things going right and well.

Yes it’s great to spot the issue that could lead to a massive project failure so corrections can be made. But it’s also helpful to mention what’s going right with the plan, as well.

I have seen it in relationships, too. People can hyper fixate on every flaw, fault, failure, and letdown. This approach increases dissatisfaction and leads to struggles or even a breakup if it’s not balanced out by remembering and appreciating the many positive, good, and beneficial qualities a mate has as well.

An old management and personal communication technique recommends mentioning two things going right, then the thing going wrong, and wrapping with another positive. It helps keep things in perspective as well as minimizing feelings of the other party being attacked. I have found it works like a charm.

Try to shift your mind to look for the good as you go about your day, as well as watch out for the bad. My guess is you’ll start to notice there’s lots going right. There’s lots of good people. There’s lots of good circumstances. And while yes there are bad things too, maybe it’s not all bad. Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it’s better than it first seemed?

What do you think? Do you notice negatives more easily than positives? Have tips for seeing the upside? Please share in the comments.

Stinking Thinking

19 Monday Feb 2018

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I’ll admit it. I can suffer from stinking thinking. And when I do, it’s a sure recipe for feeling unhaaaaapy and seeing everything in the worst possible light.

At least now I usually recognize the stinking thinking and can talk myself into a more productive space. But not so many years ago I could not. Back then how I FELT equaled THE TRUTH. Trouble was, it often wasn’t the truth but became so after I would act or make decisions based off thinking it was so.

Stinking thinking has cost me personally and professionally. Sometimes significantly so. Stinking thinking could take my very worst fears and actually make them my reality. Not good.

I used to keep the stinking thinking to myself. But the problem with that was it would then fester and grow stronger, like an infection. But I was afraid to share those thoughts for a long time, not wanting others to see my weakness and vulnerability.

Now I have a handful of trusted people who I can share with when stinking thinking occurs (no surprise, it can be worst during hormonal times.) They can then help me recognize that it’s not reality talking, it’s simply stinking thinking. During such times I try my best to be especially mindful to make sure I am eating and sleeping well, staying busy, and taking steps to focus on solutions, not dwell on problems.

I recognize also that I come from a long line of stinking thinking folks. Because it can come to me maybe more naturally than others, and because I did not have the best examples of managing it, I have to be more vigilant and watch out. I have seen the joy it has robbed from the lives of others, and I know I must consciously take steps to prevent it from doing the same to me.

If you have ever suffered from stinking thinking yourself, I invite you to join me in giving it the heave ho. Feel free to call it out, put it on notice. It’s such a freeing feeling to be able to get a handle on it mid spiral and say, “Sorry stinking thinking, not this time, I am so on to you!”

The other great thing about learning to recognize stinking thinking is that it diminishes its former power, I now know I can choose NOT to participate in its dastardly plan. I can control it, it doesn’t have to control me.

I wish I could say I have overcome stinking thinking entirely, but it would not be true. It still happens, whispering negative and destructive things here and there, but I realize now I don’t have to believe it. Maybe with time it will go away entirely, or at least fade in frequency to less often than not, then rarely, then nearly never. It’s an unfolding journey.

What do you think? Have you ever experienced stinking thinking. Please share in the comments!

Being Up in a Down World

02 Friday Feb 2018

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Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is how to stay up when there is so much “down” in the world.

Perhaps in youth I just didn’t notice it, or maybe things really are getting a lot worse. But either way I have been really struggling to stay positive as I feel increasingly surrounded by bad news, downward trends, and growing negativity.

In my own personal world, things are going better now than a year ago, or two years ago, or even five years ago. Not that I am without trials and struggles, but overall compared to a few years ago I am personally living much less on the edge.  Thank Goodness.

Perhaps that is the solution — to focus on the micro level. Me and mine. Here and now. The moment. Because when I look out into the world, the bigger picture, things seem increasingly precarious.

There’s little I can do to control that bigger picture, so I struggle to figure out how much attention to pay all of that. If any attention at all. And yet to be oblivious also seems unwise.

And then there is the chatter. All the information that may or may not be true, real or not, harmless or a threat. It’s increasingly difficult to know who or what sources to believe anymore when every side seems to be yelling, “danger, danger, danger!”

I think all this weighs especially heavy on me as an empath type person. I literally can absorb other people’s emotional state, feeling it as if it were my own. I stopped watching televised news, or even online news for that very reason. It’s too disturbing. I prefer to read my news. And even then, it can get to me.

Anyway I don’t have the solution so in this case I ask you as the reader, what do you do to stay up in a down world? How do you keep the trials and tribulations of the outer world from draining energy needlessly from your inner one? How much do you let that in? What do you do to keep it out? How do you stay informed without that information becoming overwhelming, or downright paralyzing?

Please feel free to share in the comments your best tips for staying sane in an insane world. I appreciate it!

 

 

 

Practice Positivity

03 Sunday Dec 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

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An interesting point came up in the comments recently about how much a man appreciates a woman who assumes the best of his intentions, words, and actions instead of the worst.

For example, let’s say you text him and don’t hear back right away. Do you assume something is wrong? Worry? Get upset? Assume it’s deliberate? Maybe even start sending a flurry of accusatory or drama filled texts trying to get a response or the reverse, ignoring him and giving him the silent treatment in return when he does reply? (BTW, both a very bad idea!)

If so, you may want to start practicing more positivity. How about taking a deep breath, assuming until proven otherwise that everything is fine, and just moving along with your day?

It’s not so hard to do and it will create a world of difference. Letting anxiety and insecurity get the better of you causes nothing but harm to a relationship.

And if he’s truly someone you just can’t trust, or who is repeatedly unresponsive, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you are even in a relationship with such a person rather than focusing on trying to control something you can’t?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Women and The Election

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

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This post analyzing how women voted for Hillary got me thinking about the women I know in real life and how they voted.

Something I noticed very early on, even before the Democratic convention named Hillary as the candidate, was that despite her being a woman, she wasn’t very popular among women I knew in real life who I normally would have expected to embrace her.

They were mostly baby boomers, educated, middle to upper middle class, lifelong democrats. I was puzzled. As these women revealed they did not back Hillary one after another, I was surprised. They didn’t really give a specific answer, but they had clearly already made up their mind about her.

This was before Wikileaks, before things really got heated, long. long, long before the last few weeks or months to election day.

I wish they would have been more specific as to exactly “what” it was about Hillary, so I could understand better why a group that by all predictors should have been excited as all get out to have a candidate for president who was, at least on the surface, so similar to them. But they were not.

But since I don’t know exactly what it was, I cannot say. However I could see early that it did not bode well for her chances if this group the democrats themselves considered a slam-dunk was actually not.

I got a similar response from women my age or younger who live in the same rural area of a blue state I do. Most of them also lean democrat, but once again they also said they were not planning to vote for her. Odd. Even women I knew to be liberal leaning.

In fact, in real life I only had a total of three women say they were voting for Hillary. Out of dozens and dozens who on the surface, should have been. Weird.

So I looked on Facebook, where I have friends and professional relationships from all over the country. I noticed that of all of them, one group in particular was very pro-Hillary: Women my age or younger living in large metro areas such as New York, San Francisco, Seattle, etc.

The difference between what I was seeing and hearing in real life versus what I saw online may as well have been two different universes!

And that is what I think happened. Hillary staff, the media, the polls, the backers were likely caught up in an echo chamber effect in these same urban areas where women (and many men) were very supportive of Hillary. But because they likely don’t interact much with the millions of Americans living outside of metro areas, they weren’t hearing what I was — that she did not have their support on anywhere near the same levels.

Maps that showed how people voted not only by state but also by county confirm the same. Metro areas appear as blue dots in an otherwise overwhelmingly red map.

Over and over I heard women in real life say that while they did not agree with some of the things Trump had said, they were voting for him. I know most of these women well. They are not Stepford wife types. They are not lifelong, hardcore right wing folks. They are not sexist, racist, bigoted, haters. They are not deplorable nor are they uninformed or unintelligent.

And I also know if they truly believed Trump was any of those things either, they never would have voted for him. Guaranteed. These are peaceful, kind, thoughtful women.

So I know many are worried that these people who voted for Trump are horrible, but they are not. Really.

I don’t believe he is either. To be honest, my guess is that he likely has Asperger’s or some sort of spectrum disorder, or put less technically is of such high intelligence in ways most people aren’t, that he just doesn’t naturally understand social graces. I know people like him in real life actually, and they are good people, if odd.

If you are among the worried, to you I say this, “It’s all going to be OK. I promise.” Relax. Have a glass of wine or something. And be thankful we live in a nation where we can vote. And disagree. And even protest peacefully (not riot, big difference) And vote again next time.

Imagine the Constitution saying, “I’ve got this!” Because it does! So long as we stick with that, pretty much every worst case scenario is checked and balanced. Thank Goodness for that!

Be Light

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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Commenter Ton brought up a point the other day in response to this post that I would like to elaborate on. He says:

“Remember what men want in a home life? More or less an escape from killing dragons all day.”

This is a point I would do well to remember more myself, and I think is good advice for all women — be light. Be fun. Be carefree. Be joy. Be his escape from the cares and burdens of the world.

Yes there are always things going wrong, and bad things to focus on, and things to complain about, and on and on. And oh how we gals can go on, and on, and on about all that. (Myself included, cringe.)

Here’s a challenge and I am taking it too: Don’t go on and on about those things. Choose to focus on the positive. And yes ladies — it’s a CHOICE.

Ok, sometimes yes, we have to talk about the hard stuff, the bad stuff, the problems. But much of the time, we actually don’t HAVE to, we choose to. It can be a very bad habit to dwell on the black lining in the silver cloud. It can be a very good habit to do the opposite. And habits are just that — repeated behaviors that soon become automatic.

I heard it said once that men take their emotional cues from women, and whatever emotions you put out often influence his own emotions. If so, what better reason to be light, be fun, be happy, and be upbeat than this? Your doing so will lead to his doing so, and life will be all the more happy, fun, and upbeat for it!

Consider:

Scenario #1: Man calls/sees his lady. She goes on and on about everything bad about her day, her job, her life. How does he feel now? (Hint: Bad!) How does he feel about calling/seeing her next time? (Hint: Bad!)

Scenario #2: Man calls/sees his lady. She goes on and on about everything good about her day, her job, her life. How does he feel now? (Hint: Good!) How does he feel about calling/seeing her next time? (Hint: Good!)

See what I mean? So don’t be a Debbie Downer. Just don’t. Do your best to be light, and to bring light into his (and everyone’s) world, too!

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What do you think? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Most Problems Are User Error

19 Thursday Feb 2015

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Someone* once said to me, “Most problems are caused by user error,” meaning many of the struggles in life are self-created ones.

Realizing this can be a double edged sword. On one hand it is empowering — to struggle or not in most cases becomes a choice. On the other hand, it requires taking responsibility for your life outcome, owning that you are the cause of your problem.

Try it. Make a written or mental list of your biggest problems and struggles. Then ask yourself how many of them are actually caused by your own decisions and choices, or decisions or choices you should/could be making but aren’t?

It can be both painful and liberating to realize nearly all factors in life are within our own control. That life is, like it or not, good or bad, what we have made it.

Sure, there are exceptions, times when circumstances beyond one’s control impose suffering — like being born into a dysfunctional family, getting cancer, losing everything in a fire or natural disaster, being laid off due to a downsizing, having a partner dying or walk out with no warning, being caught up in a war zone.

But even in these cases, there is still a choice involved and that choice is how you respond to factors out of your control. Constructive or destructive, how you react to tragedy is still a choice completely within your control. (Understanding this is what heroes and inspirational souls are made of.)

Luckily, true tragedy beyond control doesn’t strike often in life. Most of the time there is no outside random situation or circumstance imposing the suffering. Upon examination, we are usually creating the situation ourselves with the choices large and small we make every day. In these cases it’s as simple — and as hard — as choosing to do different.

Pity parties, blaming others, or adopting a victim stance may soothe the ego, but they only prolong the suffering.

Start doing yourself a favor, if you have been falling prey to user error forgive yourself (we’re all human), then take ownership of your life, identify the user error that’s causing you (and very likely others) suffering, and take action to change the situation from what you don’t want into what you do want.

Whatever the issue, problem, struggle, or roadblock — from weight loss, to a career funk, to relationship woes, to money problems — it’s almost always just that simple, and just that difficult. Choices. Action. Not choosing. Not taking action. A good attitude. A bad attitude.

And the good news, or the bad news, is the only person who can do it, or keep yourself from doing it, is you.

Let those who have ears hear.

—————-

*The someone who said this, ironically, knew this because they themselves were an expert at user error.

Half Empty or Half Full?

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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I am starting to see a common thread in the stories of the women in my life – it’s far more common to hear a woman focusing on the glass being half empty than half full. And guess what? The ones who do, they are unhaaaaapy.

I challenge you ladies, start looking at the half full side of things. Start steering your thoughts and attitude toward happy and grateful for the good things in your life from the smallest to the biggest. Chances are you will find yourself a lot haaaaaapier if you do so.

Extreme example, but it’s a good one. A friend of mine who has been talking non-stop about divorcing her loyal, hardworking, steady Eddie husband of 10+ years and father of her four children (two hers he took on 100%, two theirs) for over a year now (and I have been trying to talk her out of it), her husband had a freak reaction to anesthesia during a minor surgical procedure a few months ago. He nearly died.

She freaked out. This man is the sole source of income and support for her family. She was in the hospital and on her knees praying for his life for two days straight. And, he lived and is doing well.

I am not kidding, less than a week later I call her up and right away she starts back into, “I am unhaaaaapy. It’s all his fault. I should just divorce him and get this over with. How long can I live like this?” And so on. LESS THAN ONE WEEK LATER.

Seriously, sister? And this poor guy, he actually gets up and goes to work and does all he can to make her happy anyway! Bless him. How many women would do the same?

There’s a saying that before you point out the speck in someone else’s eye, you should take the log out of your own. Because I would say in all of the cases of my friends who I see doing this, the unhappiness isn’t him, it’s within themselves. Leaving him won’t fix that.

If you have a good man who maybe isn’t perfect but he’s working hard and trying to please you, is a good dad, has a good heart — he is not abusive, not cheating, not an addict or alcoholic — be grateful for what you have, because I tell you, you will miss it dearly when it is gone. And you will regret not doing different.

So do different now. Be happy. Be happy with what you have. Look for the good in him. Be good to him. Build him up in your mind, and his. Love him, honor him, cherish and obey him. Like you promised you would, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.

And if you do, you will be a happy woman. And you will have a happy man, who will work all the harder to make you happy, and he will honor you above all others, and your children will be happy, and that happy will make more happy. Unlimited happy. Happier than you ever dreamed. I have seen even marriages racked with infidelity and alcoholism turn around with this one simple choice — to focus on the good and not the bad. The choice is yours.

Let those who have ears hear.

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.