Tag Archives: remarriage

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?

10 Monday Sep 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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Today I met a woman in her late 50s or maybe early 60s who just started telling me her story, like many people do.

Turns out she’s engaged to be married, to a man who lives overseas. Kenya, to be exact.

He’s in the military she said, and the met via an online dating site.

She seemed like a nice lady, and was with her elderly mother. She has mid length reddish blond hair and seemed like perhaps a retired school teacher, or some such. She dressed very plainly, not much make up, her hair somewhat messy.  And she looked tired. Like she had the worries of the world on her shoulders.

She mentioned being married before, when she was 23. She said her ex-husband remarried recently at a popular nearby spot. She saw this on Facebook. She didn’t want a big wedding like that, she said. She wants to keep it simple.

I could somehow feel as she described what started to sound like an extremely complicated situation involving her sending tens of thousands of dollars to the fiancé so he could come that things may not be what they seem. There had been multiple delays, expired documents, more checks sent via money wire for thousands more.

He’ll be here soon, she said. I wondered if I sensed doubt in her voice? Soon… hopefully… she looked off in the distance, the words seemingly just hanging there.

Her mom didn’t know, she said. Nobody in her family did. She didn’t explain further, I didn’t pry. I wanted to ask more. I was afraid to ask.

I really worry for her and hope she is not being scammed. But as is sometimes said around here I had to remember, “Not my monkey, not my circus.”

Will she be another post-wall woman fleeced of all she has in the name of “love?” I hope not. Maybe someday she will pass my way again and I will find out how the story ends.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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SIW Meltdown

16 Saturday Sep 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 142 Comments

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For the past few weeks, among other things, I have had a front row seat at a SIW (single independent woman) meltdown of epic proportions. For my friend, age 43, the red pill realities of the wall, the SIW fallacy, and more are all coalescing at a fast and furious pace.

Ever since moving out on her own she’s “done it on her own.” She married briefly in her 30s, no kids, but fought the yoke hard and decided she was better off on her own than, “stuck with some man.”

After that she held various office jobs, and met her current beau there. Unlike her former husband, an artistic sigma, this executive level, successful, attractive divorced (frivorce, brutally) father of six had all the markings of “a good provider.”

They have dated for several years now but as far as I can see he’s firmly MTGOW (even if he doesn’t know the term) and seems quite happy with their seperate houses, “I’ll see ya when I see ya,” lifestyle.

About two years ago she tired of the drudgery of going to her dead end office job day after day, so she threw caution to the wind, quit, and made do with a conglomeration of jewelry making, pet sitting, and house cleaning gigs. But it wasn’t enough to live the same lifestyle as before, so she supplemented that with credit card debt, figuring it would, “all turn around someday.” Perhaps the day her beau proposed. But he didn’t.

Now, she’s exceptionally good looking, with a darling figure and perky rack. So things have mostly gone her way in life. But for what she has in the looks department she lacks in the emotional control category.

As the weeks and months went on, she became less and less emotionally stable. She often picks fights with her boyfriend, demanding he “Step up or else,” which is followed by a period of him ghosting and her begging him back.

As you may have guessed, things have come to a head and she’s been forced by financial circumstances to move out of her apartment. When no offer from her beau came, I hesitatingly offered her a room at my place in exchange for housecleaning and landscaping, while she “gets back on her feet.”

For the past two weeks she’s drug her feet as moving day approached, fighting tooth and nail daily with her beau who was helping her out financially, tying up loose ends, and trying to help her pack.

He confessed to me he didn’t know how much more he could take, and that he didn’t understand her behavior.

“It’s simple,” I said. “She wants to move in with you, not me.” But he said it simply wasn’t possible.

Yesterday was her last day at the apartment. They spent nearly 24 hours doing what she could have done over the past few weeks. And at 2 a.m. she was texting that she, “just needed a few more hours.”

He says the fighting has been intense, and they have yet to arrive here the following morning.  I am sure she’s doing all she can to try to force his hand in the direction she wants things to go, but she’s kidding herself.

He told me not to tell her but he’s leaving on a guys trip this evening for the next two weeks. I guess I will be doing my best to help her pick up the pieces. Based on how she’s acted the past few days, I’d be surprised if he comes back.

Many SIW think in youth that they can decide when and where they will finally settle down with the Mr. Big of their dreams, only to find life isn’t a movie script. Nobody owes anyone anything anymore under the new social rules. And other people get to make their own choices, too.

Yes, women today have the freedom to make their own choices. But they should remember, choices have consequences, and nothing in life is all upside. Play your hand poorly or well, but you’ll live with the results either way you choose. Just like guys have always “been free” to do.

She’s got 40 years or so to go, no savings, no kin, no skills that someone younger won’t do for less, and a guy who can’t wait to be rid of her. That’s going to be a tough hand to play. I’ll be doing my best to red pill her a spoonful a day, because getting her head on straight and quickly is about the only chance she’s got, as far as I can see.

Let those with ears hear.

Divorce Isn’t A Fix All

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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A good friend of mine who was in her 40’s and had been divorced for some time said something that I will never forget, “Something I realized after my divorce was the same problems I used to think were caused by him still remained.”

In other words the bathroom still didn’t clean itself. There were clothes on the floor. The dishes piled up. Bills still came. Stuff still needed fixing. And all the rest.

She said it was a real case of eating humble pie when she realized it, too.

Despite my friend being a very attractive, fit, petite women with a great job (she was a neonatal nurse), a fun personality, and no kids or other responsibilities, she had not managed to find another relationship in the decade after she left her marriage.

Sadly, we’ve lost touch over the past 10 years, but last I heard she was dating someone who had decided he would never remarry and they lived separately and had just broke up because she didn’t want to live alone.

Sometimes the problems that are so easy to blame on a spouse are simply life problems. Problems you are going to have as a single person, too. Except you will now face those problems on your own.

I hope her tale serves as an example that divorce doesn’t magically fix all of life’s problems, and often marriage isn’t the problem, life is. So before you jump into the great unknown thinking it will be easier and better, stop to ask yourself if maybe you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater (or in this case the hubby!)

Let those with ears hear.

 

Considering Divorce? Try This.

03 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by in Relationships, Uncategorized

≈ 50 Comments

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A gal I know through work has been talking of getting a divorce as long as I have known her. And for as long as I have known her, I have been giving her good reasons why she may want to reconsider.

She’s 35, together 15+ years, married 10 years, has four children (two from a previous relationship, two with her husband.) The oldest is 19, the youngest is 8. She’s been a stay at home mom since they married with the odd job here and there. They aren’t wealthy but they have a nice life, their own home, and enough money to pay the bills each month.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying there is never a reason to divorce, but I have probed and asked and as far as I can see or she is telling me, she is not being abused, he’s not an addict, he isn’t cheating. He goes to work every day, comes home right after, tries to make her happy and provide the things she wants, and is a good father to their children.

So what is the problem? I have written about her situation before but in a nutshell it seems to be a combination of she is bored, she’s frustrated with her own life, she and her husband are engaged in an ongoing power struggle that is killing the relationship, and rather than take steps to remedy the situation she endlessly fantasizes about getting divorced, instead.

I have shared with her what a struggle it can be to be a single mom, to be solely responsible for the family finances, the family chores, and most of the childcare. It’s a stressful and uncertain life, and I often worry about what would happen to my family if something happened to me?

Yet, she still didn’t seem to be hearing any of that. Until another friend of hers sent her the link to a message board of women who are either going through the divorce process or who are recently divorced. I believe her friend thought this message board would help her figure out how to get a divorce too, but it has had the opposite effect.

She’s lurked for hours on the message board, reading the stories of these women and their experiences.

Instead last time I saw her, she admitted she’s not thinking divorce is the solution she once did. It seems after reading real life divorce tales firsthand, she’s decided she doesn’t want to put herself, her kids, or her family through that. And it seems reading about the marriage struggles and problems experienced by other women, her situation suddenly doesn’t seem nearly so bad by comparison.

Another version of this might be going down to the local courthouse and spending a day sitting in and listening to family court.

No marriage is perfect. No marriage is all upside with no negatives. And yes, some marriages are bad news. But many times divorce may not be needed and in fact may be more difficult than repairing fixable issues.

I am happy my friend is reconsidering. I think she’s making a wise choice. I hope she will now spend as much time thinking about how to make her marriage better (and doing those things) as she once did thinking about how she was going to get out of it.

 

Games Girls Play

24 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Relationships, Uncategorized

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A post over at The Rational Male and the comments that follow got me thinking about some of the games girls play, and how men are getting hip to such games and are countering with self-preservation strategies of their own.

(NOTE: A word to the wise, before you go to that blog and post how “not all women are like that” NAWALT or to try to argue, just don’t. I guarantee you will not be met with understanding or a warm reception. It’s a “guy space.” Please respect that and just read but not comment. Comment here instead.)

For example, consider this comment by YaReally from a guy point of view of such games, and ask yourself how many times have you seen a girlfriend do this (or have done it yourself?) Then ask yourself if you were a guy, how would you feel if almost every girl you dated offered you this deal?

“No man “committing” to a girl raised in 2016 culture is in a monogamous LTR. He’s in a one-sided pLTR (Primary LTR, a primary partner with multiple orbiters/side-poon) but in the GIRL’S favor (aka she keeps her options available while he restricts his own).

Social media and women out of the kitchen and into the workplace etc creates a system where women can openly gather and string orbiters along and openly seek higher-value options than her current man and this is socially acceptable because it’s all done under the guise of “just being friends” or anonymity.

If her significant other tries to restrict her access to that stuff, he’s labelled controlling, insecure, jealous, abusive, etc And if the guy keeps his own options open, he’s a player, cheat, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, etc

In the old days, before modern technology (especially before phones were invented but even in, like, the 50s say), a woman had to go out of her way to gather and keep orbiters around. It took actual effort and even if she went out looking she really only had access to a handful of men besides her husband. Once she determined that he was her best option, her Hypergamy was satisfied enough to make a relationship work long-term. That doesn’t mean women didn’t cheat, or weren’t subconsciously still on the prowl for some mysterious high-value stranger who passes through town, but like, it was significantly more difficult to entertain that shit (plus she had other shit to do with her day, like keeping the house/family taken care of before modern technology turned cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc into short often automated tasks that give her tons of free time to be bored).

But today’s technology means that a girl can be dating the greatest catch in her social circle, but still potentially have access to an even higher value guy through her social media. And if she switches to that guy, when he’s sitting on the couch beside her being boring, she can be communicating with a AAA celebrity through her social media.

Hypergamy doesn’t “shut off”, it NEVER sleeps…it’s ALWAYS there, always pinging for value. If you can keep her away from other men that don’t necessarily HAVE higher-value than you but that she PERCEIVES *MAY* have higher-value than you in HER value system of what constitutes high-value (which causes her to feel that compelling instinctive urge to test to SEE if he is juuuust incase he IS and she should pursue him), then you have a shot. But all the actions that would help that are demonized and villified as controlling, abusive, etc thanks to feminism pushing for Open Hypergamy and Open Cuckolding. This is why they’ll keep pushing that stuff trying to program boys from an early age so that it’s normalized to them when they’re adults and they don’t question the arrangement where they give up all their options while the girl says she does but is still pinging for better in the background thanks to the technology that’s made that abundant, easy and discreet (and connected her to astronomically high-value males like celebrities).

The ruse is that a relationship where a man gives up all his options and is sexually faithful to a woman, while the woman is sexually faithful to him (for now) but is constantly subconsciously on the prowl for better (because social media and being in male spaces like male workplaces and hobbies) under an “innocent” frame of “oh that’s just some guy from work, it’s no big deal, why are you getting jealous don’t be so insecure!”, is still “a monogamous relationship”.

That’s NOT a monoLTR. That is a pLTR in the woman’s favor. No guy dating/settling with a girl in 2016 is settling into a “monogamous LTR”, he’s settling into a “pLTR in the woman’s favor”. Like, guys need to really let that concept sink in.

The only guys in ACTUAL monoLTRs are guys who’s significant others don’t (or barely) use social media (so a lot of guys with older wives which is why I stress the raised in 2016 culture thing, or if you can find like, an Amish girl lol), and/or don’t (or barely) spend time in male spaces around other men (like working at a place where she’s surrounded by high-value men).

Literally any girl with social media is only offering guys a pLTR in her favor, but everyone in society including the man agreeing to it will still call it a monoLTR, and that man will find himself frustrated that she has orbiters posting/flirting on her Facebook wall but will then realize he’s in a Kobayashi Maru when he tries to call her out on it and is labelled jealous/insecure for it…he won’t be able to articulate it unless he’s a Red Pill guy and even then it depends on how much of the pill he’s swallowed, but he’ll instinctively know that him sitting on the couch watching Netflix while she sits beside him surfing Facebook and responding to guys on her Facebook wall, that something isn’t “right” with that agreement he’s entered. Because it’s lopsided in her favor.

This is why I’m pushing for guys to understand and explore the dynamics of how pLTRs and oLTRs work, and how oLTRs naturally become pLTRs if you can keep her Hypergamy triggered, and just REQUIRING a pLTR from her already puts you near the top of her Hypergamous options because it’s giving her all the shit she needs (dread, jealousy, etc) and giving you all the shit you need (sexworthiness, charisma to flirt with other girls, abundance mentality to walk away, etc) for her to stay attracted to you.

And it’s why I’m pushing for guys to start experimenting with pLTRs so we can get more guys in them and get more guys thinking about how we can successfully have and raise kids in a pLTR (in the man’s favor) arrangement with no legal ties and possibly accepting the fact that women may not stay past the 7 year itch and prepare for accepting that and prospering within the new system.

Because the old system is DEAD. MonoLTRs don’t exist anymore. I can’t re-state that enough.

Unless you can keep your girl jobless in your home and off all forms of social media (even the seemingly innocent ones that are for hobby groups or business networking etc)…which with a 20+yo girl in 2016 with a huge social network, is pretty unrealistic (her friends/family (who are all in shitty relationships themselves) will likely view you as abusive and be trying to turn her against you to “save” her from the horror that is your relationship actually having a chance at working out lol). You may manage to make an “LTR” work in 2016 with a girl raised in 2016 culture, but understand that unless you’re pro-actively running a pLTR in your favor, you are making a “pLTR in her favor” work, not a “monoLTR”.

This is a big part of why marriage is a bad deal. Even if you marry a chick who doesn’t use social media, and get her to quit her job to be a housewife, when she’s sitting around at home all day long bored out of her mind, she’s VERY likely going to end up getting social media to have some kind of contact with the outside world, and now you’re legally tied to a pLTR in her favor. The best you can do is even the odds out with your own girls, but you’ve signed legal paperwork handing her all the power in the world to destroy your life if you miscalibrate at some point in the next 40+ years.

And none of this is even taking into account the social conditioning girls are receiving from an early age telling them boyfriends and commitment and monogamy are all a drag that keeps you from having fun going to Avicii concerts with your BFF girlfriends and hooking up with guys and you’ll be young forever and Amy Schumer gets the rich doctor when she’s 35 and shit.”

Or in other words, if you are a girl who wants to have a successful relationship in an era where more and more men are seeing trading commitment for sex in an era of free and easy sex and no fault divorce as a fools game, you should NOT play such games.

And the thing is, you may fall into playing these girl games without even realizing that you are doing it or why. Because women are hard wired to seek the best match possible (hypergamy). At one time, engagement/marriage was the end of that, largely because women who divorced without VERY GOOD reasons were ostracized. But not anymore. The removal of the social stigma of divorce and/or serial monogamy (moving from one sexually active “LTR” to the next) have removed the safeguards that in the past protected men once they committed to a woman that she would stay and be committed to him. Being conscious of said girl games and guarding yourself from playing them will set you ahead of the other girls who are playing such games. Often because dating and relationship advice aimed at women encourages such games.

In days past, men were the ones who were on the commitment hot seat. Not anymore. Today it is the woman who needs to prove her worthiness of commitment, not the other way around. Why? Because more often than not today women are the ones to initiate breaking said commitment, not him. And she will get plenty of support from society when she decides to break said commitment, unlike a guy who will still be shamed for doing so.

Many a woman today can be heard wailing, “Where have all the good guys gone?” But the truth is in many (most) cases, the actions of women themselves, the very real financial and emotional risks a man takes by getting legally entangled with a women via marriage and children, and the obvious societal support for women to hold the right to exercise moving on (or up) whenever she sees fit without condemnation or shame, have chased those good guys off. Not the other way around.

Why are the good guys dropping out? Because modern women are presenting them with a no-win deal. End of. Why commit to someone who always has the socially sanctioned and even encouraged option to uncommit to you? Instead, they choose to opt out by playing the “let’s not commit” game themselves.

So before we blame the guys, ladies, it’s good to do a personal inventory and ask yourself, are you playing girl games — and likely losing now that men are getting hip to these games? If so, perhaps it’s time to do and be different.

What do you think? Please share in the comments, while at the same time respecting the point of view of other commenters.

 

 

Divorce Doesn’t Fix Your Life

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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There are several married women in my life who are pondering divorce. Not because they are being abused, or oppressed, mistreated, cheated on, or because their spouse has an active addiction. No, it’s because many of them are bored, feeling restless, or simply thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

I do my best to repeatedly encourage them to water the grass they have, to do all they can to nurture and repair their marriage rather than dwelling on the idea that divorce will suddenly “fix” everything that’s wrong in their lives. It won’t.

Sadly, it seems women today who are struggling in their marriage are far more likely to be advised to leave than to work things out.

Yet, many women I know who are divorced and or single parenting would be the first to tell you that life post-divorce may have been new, exciting, and easier for awhile, but that in time they find themselves with mounting financial problems, disappointing relationships, co-parenting conflicts, watching their children struggle, trouble keeping up with everything at home and work on their own, social fallout, job insecurity, and more.

Those who are honest often will say they regret divorcing for angsty reasons, and that their life is worse off for it. They miss the days when they were part of a couple facing the world together rather than facing the world on their own. They’re depressed, exhausted, worn down, and feeling hopeless as the years slip by and they have not found the happier pastures they thought would be straight ahead.

Many have watched their former spouse remarry or strike out on a life of his own minus the struggles they themselves face. Some have watched children drift away, angry or resentful for the burdens divorce has caused in their own life and world.

There are a lot of sappy movies, magazine articles, and books trumpeting the single independent woman lifestyle, jokes about “starter” marriages, and the like. But the truth is being divorced and alone sucks a lot of the time, and sucks more and more as time goes on.

Sure, I do know a few women who have successfully remarried and who are happy. But I know a lot more who have yet to find that, or if they have the new relationship is no better (and often worse) than the marriage they left.

So if you find yourself thinking that divorce will fix everything, take a step back and really look around in your life. How many women do you know in real life that it has truly worked for? Children that it has worked for? How many do you know that it has not?

Life is not a romantic comedy. Happy endings are often forged from hard work, realistic expectations, appreciation, and extending the olive branch not by launching out into the great unknown, where happiness may await but catastrophe is just as likely.

As someone put it, getting divorced is more like going through treatment for cancer than it is a trip to the cosmetic surgeon and spa.

Marriage goes thru phases. Sometimes “fixing” it isn’t as important as just hanging in there until you get to the other side of the rapids and back to calm, clear water. No need to hack a hole in the bottom of the boat thinking that’s the solution!

My advice? Don’t. Swallow your pride, start being kind to your husband, put aside past hurts, take charge of creating your own happiness right where you are instead of looking for it outside, and start your marriage anew. Many women who have done just that report they are happier than ever before, and that the results were well worth the effort.

A wise woman builds up her home while a foolish one tears it down with her own hands. Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

Life Cycle of a SIW

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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For as long as I can remember, nearly everyone in a position of authority has advised me and other women of my generation and those who followed to craft a life as a “strong independent woman” or SIW rather than to follow a traditional path of marriage young and for life.

In theory, being a SIW frees a woman from the oppression and control of a life dependent upon a man. With her own education, career, money, and independent nature she can conquer the world on her own terms, thank you very much! Such a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, it was once said.

I know a women who is now in her early 60s who has followed the SIW path, an early adopter of sorts, and her story in many ways exemplifies the life cycle of a SIW.

In her youth she did marry to a charismatic “bad boy” and had two sons, only to find out a few years into the marriage that bad boys don’t change and when he tired of her, off he went leaving her alone to raise their two children. Back in those days mandatory child support and other things were not in place, so she was truly on her own.

She’s highly talented and so she channelled her energy into becoming one of the top interior designers in our area. She is yet quite a looker, so I can only imagine her in her youth. Doors opened thanks to her charming smile and crafty ways. She was on top of the world, at one point not getting out of bed for less than $10,000 a day in her early 40s. Life was easy. The richest people in the area courted her skills.

Then for reasons she has never fully explained, she decided to move to a South American country on a whim, thinking she could just take her talents and abilities along, recreating her highly successful career wherever she went.

For ten years she held onto that dream (and/or perhaps another bad boy relationship she’s never admitted to) that never materialized. In fact it only went from bad to worse as the years marched on. I followed her tales of struggle on Facebook, and even sent her money a few times when she was so desperately poor she didn’t even have food to eat.

She’s never outright said so, but she’s hinted heavily that she even turned to prostitution as a means of survival during those days. But what she didn’t realize was that even though her looks had always opened doors for her with men, other stars were rising as hers faded, and her ability to get men to do whatever she wanted whenever she needed was fading with it.

Two years ago, when she neared her 60th birthday she finally had to give up and moved back to the United States. She lives with her adult son and struggles to find even the minimum of work in the field she used to own outright. In her absence, other designers moved in, and now they are the talk of the town while those who used to vie for her attention barely remember her name. In addition, she does not have the ability  (or desire) to work long hours like she once did.

Her options are limited, and she knows she exists only on the good graces of her son and his family. But it is precarious, as his own marriage is under duress and his wife resents having the additional dependent, even if she cooks, cleans, and watches the kids. Her sons are not that bonded to their mother either, resenting how she often put her own life before theirs during their childhood, partly out of economic necessity but also out of her self-absorbed need to be the best of the best, admired by all.

She realizes now what she did not in her youth — being a SIW might be a whirlwind prior to age 40 or so, but the plan falls apart as a woman enters her golden years. Thinking the party would never end and that she could always support herself, she didn’t bother to save for retirement or plan for the years when she will not be able to work.

Prior to age 40 or so, she had many wealthy men who wished to marry her, in addition to many admiring lovers, but she turned them away not wanting to be “tied down.” Today, her chances of finding a husband willing to make up for her complete lack of assets at this point is slim, and even if she could find such a man, she’s so used to being alone I am not sure she could even make the transition from SIW to wife at this point.

In many ways, hers is a modern day version of the famed courtesans of the belle epoch period in France. Committed to no man, but lover of many, they also found the party came to an abrupt end with age, and many of those who once ruled the social scene and were quite sought after, pampered, and spoiled by their admirers often ended up destitute, alone, and abandoned in the end.

So beware, ladies, the siren call of the SIW life. Nothing is free, and there is always a price to pay for coloring outside the lines. Far better to find a good man early in life, commit to him, raise children, build a life together, and live out your golden years safely surrounded by the stable family and life you and your partner have built. Women who do so end their lives as the venerated crown jewel of their family, the adored matriarch.

Perhaps it lacks to dramatic highs and lows of the SIW life cycle, but as my friend would be the first to admit, better than facing a precarious crash landing just when one needs stability the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

Build Up Your House

23 Wednesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Faith

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There’s a well known verse in the Book that goes like this:

“A wise woman builds up her house, a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

Today it is more common to see a woman tear down her house by bad talking her husband, working at cross purposes with him, actively searching for a better deal even after marriage, disrespecting a father to his children, browbeating her husband, actively disobeying/disregarding/undermining her husband, and more. Such women are fools. Don’t be a fool.

In moments of doubt or trial, ask yourself how you can build up your house. Pray for guidance. recite the wedding vows, whatever it takes to get yourself in a building it up frame of mind.

Resist the urge to tear it down, thinking starting over is the answer. It isn’t. It’s foolish.

Let those who have ears hear.

There Is Always A Downside

16 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by in Red Pill

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Something I have come to realize with age is that in almost every situation, there is a downside.

There is a downside to being in a relationship, there is a downside to being alone. There is a downside to being married, there is a downside to being single. There is a downside to getting divorced, there is a downside to staying married. There is a downside of going to college, there is a downside of not going to college. There is a downside to having kids, there is a downside to not having kids. There is a downside of working, there is a downside of not working. There is a downside to being rich, there is a downside to being poor, and there is even a downside of being somewhere in the middle of rich and poor.

Darn, there’s always a downside? Well that stinks, right? Yes and no. It only stinks if you are under the illusion that there can be no downside. In our society that seems to be the expectation. Or the belief that a downside is “a sign” that it’s time to make a change, usually the opposite of whatever the situation causing the downside may be.

However, these changes are often made in reaction to the downside, without consideration to the downsides of doing something else, instead. Far too often people see change as the solution to a downside, but they do not consider nearly enough what the downside to whatever their new path may be. Once on it, the downsides become apparent and the dissatisfaction and desire to eliminate the downside sets in once again.

I call it the “if only’s.” If only I was married/single/divorced/had kids/didn’t have kids/had a degree/didn’t have a degree/worked/didn’t work/was rich and so on. If only, if only, if only…then I could be happy!

That’s where the option of acceptance and gratitude comes in, something people don’t seem to consider nearly as often as they consider radical change. Accepting that there is always going to be a downside can be actually very freeing. And it can help one make better choices, find contentment, and even be happier.

And of course sometimes the downsides of not making a change are greater than the downsides of doing different. Once all sides are considered, maybe change really is what is needed. In those cases, considering in advance the downside of all options can help make those choices easier. It’s not change that’s bad, it’s the overly idealistic idea that change will lead to a life without downsides. Well, it won’t. That doesn’t mean life can’t be better. But there will always still be downsides. Sorry.

Of course, the good news here is that also means there are likewise always upsides of every situation. And if the downside and upsides are also considered in tandem before making major changes, sometimes just considering the upsides can help one realize things are actually more good than bad. I think that in the majority of cases in life, this is true. And studies show that simply focusing on the upsides in life, rather than the downsides, leads to much greater life satisfaction no matter what the situation might be.

So when you find yourself focusing on the downside, telling yourself, “if only” things were different, then you would be happy/fulfilled/content/whole/etc. try looking at the upside as well as the possible downsides of that “if only.” Chances are good you are likely to discover all things considered, it’s not so bad after all. And if so, focusing more on the upside and less on the “if only” might be the best solution of all.

For where your focus is, there your heart will be also.

Let those who have ears hear.

Be the Happy

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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One of my favorite books on relationships is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Ruiz. It’s not a very long book, but it is so packed with wisdom that even though I have read it at least 10 times, every time I do, I notice something new I hadn’t before. If you have not read it, I highly recommend that and his other books. I need to read it again, but I keep giving my copy away! So I will get another.

In the book he says one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is that they come to them from a place of lack. They see the other person, or the relationship as the “missing piece” that will make their life complete, make them happy. (Which reminds me of one of my other favorite books, a children’s book, called “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.)

The problem is the only person we can control is our self. So if we believe our happiness depends on an outside person, this sets up a dynamic where one needs to control or manipulate that other person, to not lose the happy. One person is going to be doling out the happy and one person is going to be wanting the happy.

Ruiz says instead it is better to be the happy. He likens it to realizing that your heart is a magical kitchen. Whatever you want, boom, there it is. If someone shows up at the door with pizza and offers to trade pizza for happiness, you would be puzzled. You already have all the pizza you want or need. You have pizza, they have pizza, you can have pizza together, or you can have pizza apart. But your having pizza does not depend on that other person. They cannot take away or grant you pizza. You don’t have to barter for pizza, because you already have pizza. Getting pizza is no longer a motivator.

Ok, maybe that makes no sense at all, but it is early, I need more coffee, and really you should read the book yourself because I promise, it makes total sense when you read it about all this there.

Back to the point: If you are in a relationship, or not, spend some time pondering this idea — are you bringing the happy? Or are you expecting someone else to bring the happy? Are you maybe trading the happy – trying to make someone else happy so they will make you happy in return?

Happiness, as they say, is an inside job!

(One could also substitute the word “love” for “happiness” in this post. Feel free to reread it but swap in the word love every time you run across the word happy to see it in another way.)