Tag Archives: risk

Verify Then Trust

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 44 Comments

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Long ago, a noted manosphereain gave me this good advice when evaluating new love or other more platonic interests (like new friends, coworkers, and such): Verify then trust.

In other words, give things some time, slow it down intentionally, let people show you who they are. People may be able to sustain their best behavior for a short time, but if they have ill intent, they will simply bounce to an easier mark than prove up.

People who do have good intent will not even question you verifying it. They have nothing to lose, there is no act. It would not even occur to them.

People who question it or try to make you feel bad about it — no matter how many sad stories of being the innocent wronged they can tell to justify this  (Red flag right there! Never wrong? Always wronged? Time and again? Really???) beware.  Reasonable and good boundaries avoid problems, they don’t create them. If someone has problems with such, take it as a sign.

Verify THEN trust. Not trust THEN verify. Good advice for anyone navigating life. It will never do you wrong, and it can head off all sorts of trouble.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 15 Comments

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Embrace Your Vulnerability

01 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 8 Comments

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In pondering the state of affairs between men and women and relationships these days I keep encountering something that I think is missing in many romances today and that’s being open to being vulnerable.

Let’s face it, dating and relating can be scary stuff, filled with the risks and possibility of pain, loss, hurt, and other emotions most of us would rather not encounter.

So we build walls, watch out for red flags, bolt at the first sign of risk, never even try, or hold back our hearts. Books and workshops aimed at women and men advocate all sorts of strategies, tips, and tricks to get the upper hand in love and to mitigate the risk of being the one who ends up with the short end of the love stick.

But the more I ponder it, the more I think these approaches may actually be preventing the very real and deep connections many women and men are truly seeking. The “true” in true love, so to speak.

Opening one’s self up isn’t easy. Showing your soft underbelly, exposing your weakness, and simply being human both make us vulnerable and at the same time open to the vulnerabilities and imperfections in others.

Let’s face it, we may all go around trying to convince the world we’re perfect, but the reality is none of us are. Being real, being open, accepting oneself flaws and all isn’t weakness — in fact I’d argue it takes a huge amount of personal strength, self-love, and confidence to be who you truly are and to reveal that person lurking deep inside, behind the facade and the masks we all wear to protect ourselves and garner social approval.

Sure there are going to be people who the real you doesn’t work for, you may face rejection when you reveal that part of yourself. They may cut and run. But in love especially, isn’t it important that who you truly really are is the very person your partner digs more than anyone?

Not that I am advocating laziness, or being bat-shit crazy, or insisting people love you no matter what. Of course part of being your true self is also striving to be the best version of your true self that you can be. Embracing your vulnerability is not a get-out-of-being-a-good-partner-free card. It’s about accepting responsibility for bringing your best self to the situation, and asking the other person to do so in return. Sure there will be days you don’t, or he doesn’t, but overall there’s more good than bad.

So if what you seek is the real deal, next time the impulse to retreat, cover up, or pretend arises, try pushing through the risk and the pain and just be who you really are. Put it out there. You may end up failing miserably. You may get hurt. You might get judged. You may be rejected.

But then again, you might also find another person who is also dedicated to a life lived authentically, transparently, and vulnerably. Someone who gets we all have good moments and bad moments and that life and love are a journey of all of the above.

When you do find it, there will be no need for walls and pretense and games because they like you for who you truly and really are — the person beyond the combination of cells and proteins and chemical reactions that make up your physical outer self, the part of you that has always been and ever will be, your soul. You.

And when you find someone who sees that part of you and is still all in, that’s the good stuff. That’s where you’ll find the one who will be there through the thick and the thin, the rich and the poor, the sickness and health, the till death do you part. The real happily ever after.

Let those who have ears hear.