Tag Archives: security

30 Years In

16 Monday Apr 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.

He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.

She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.

Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.

They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.

Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.

Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.

As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.

It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.

Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.

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Is Her Picker Broken? Or Is It Her?

01 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by in Relationships

≈ 63 Comments

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A comment by regular “Love” a few posts back got me thinking about the idea of a gal having, “a broken picker.” What I mean by that is when a gal keeps picking the same kind of guys and keeps getting poor relationship results. Or maybe it’s not that she’s got a broken picker, but that’s she’s simply broken?

“Love” brought up this interesting idea in the comments a few posts back about one reason women (and men) may find themselves in relationships that go nowhere and end badly over and over again — is because maybe they are either consciously or subconsciously picking partners who are unable to give commitment or true intimacy, and this in turn allows the gal in question to avoid her own commitment and intimacy issues, while conveniently being able to blame the guy or culture and cry, “victim!”

It is an interesting idea and one I had not considered before — what if it’s not just bad luck, a bad choice, or a con job? What if it’s not because she’s naive, or being manipulated, or mislead, or “doesn’t get it.” What if it’s not the what things have changed with dating and marriage, or the culture, or due to today’s bad relationship advice? What if in fact she’s actually picking the types of guys who cannot and will not commit and who are unable to truly give or receive intimacy because she herself can’t, won’t, or doesn’t want to either?

I know one such gal, I’ve written about my former neighbor Vixen before.  As long as I have known her, her relationship choices have puzzled me. She always has a lot of guy drama and frankly the guys she chooses never seem to be “commitment” types. So they do this dance where she says all she wants is commitment, but her actions are doing everything to ensure that even if a non-commit guy starts to change his mind,  no guy in his right mind would go there. But to hear her tell it, THEY are to blame. It’s always some story of a guy (or guys) doing her some huge injustice and how all she wants is to settle down and be with someone.

I think “Love” may have finally solved the puzzle — I think Vixen herself is unable to commit, unable to truly stop playing the dating game, unable to be faithful or true, and deep down doesn’t want the level of relationship where she would have to give up the games and actually fly straight. She doesn’t want a “real” relationship because she doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone, meet any expectations, or be a real life partner.

Well, I suppose that is a choice and if so maybe she should just get real about it, drop the victim act, and admit she’s choosing this. She’s choosing it by the types of guys she dates. She’s choosing this by the way she acts while she’s dating them. And she chooses this every time she sabotages relationships that start to go toward stability and commitment.

Vixen is still good looking enough and charming enough to get attention from the types of guys she wants attention from. Sure, it may not be for long, but it is still there. However what I can see that she seemingly does not is that window is closing. It won’t be too long from now that she will go from the hot girl at the bar to the bar fly.

In addition, right now she makes a living cleaning houses, and that combined with child support and govt. assistance pays the bills. But as her kids grow up and move out, her chronic back injury starts bothering her more and more, and she can’t do the physical labor she does now (or doesn’t want to) then what? She has no other job skills, no savings, no retirement, no assets whatsoever to sell or liquidate.

Maybe she could live with her kids? Well, sadly and not surprisingly, considering the drama soaked environment they have been raised in, they are not doing too well themselves. The oldest is in middle school but acts far older and is very much following in her mother’s footsteps by making boy drama and manipulating boys with her looks, figure, and charm the main focus of her life.  The younger sister is sullen and withdrawn, spending hours alone by herself, locked up in her room. I wonder how and when the feelings she has locked inside will come out and what the result will be? The youngest, a two-year-old boy, seems oblivious for now but it can’t be good for him to the the center of all the fighting and power struggles with his father and the other guys in and out of the picture, something Vixen doesn’t try to shield him or the older two from.  I wonder if her kids will even talk to her once they grow up?

Anyway, it’s not really about her, but I do think her story is an example of the kind of gal “Love” described in her comment — she’s a Skittles girl who goes for cads. The results are predictable, but somehow and on some level it seems to be working for her enough that she’s not making any changes. And even if she did, at this point, wouldn’t any sane, stable, solid guy just hear her stories and RUN?

I know I stopped being able to take the roller coaster several years ago, and while I hear from her from time to time, I don’t seek her out socially or get our kids together anymore because I don’t want them exposed to that. Plus,  I want to and am taking a different path myself.

In any case, “Love’s” comment got me thinking, perhaps many of these gals who are unlucky in love, with lots of sad stories, and many failed relationships are not victims at all — but are actually choosing their lot? Or if not choosing it, refusing to look at why their picker seems to be broken and what they could do about that?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Don’t Lose the War

27 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in Red Pill, Relationships

≈ 35 Comments

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A comment about quarrelsome disrespectful women by regular commenter Deti had me thinking how many women err by trying to win every battle, then lose the war.

He says:
All I can tell you is this:

When a man’s wife or long term woman disrespects him one too many times, whatever existed before is completely destroyed. Gone. Whatever he felt for her – gone. Whatever he was willing to do for her before, he’s no longer willing to do, or capable of doing. Everything. Gone. Leveled. Not one stone left standing on stone.

And he never forgets it. Oh, he can forgive. He can move on. You can even move on together. But the things you said, the things you did, to destroy it all, are never forgotten. Not ever. Some things you say, you cannot unsay. You can’t take them back. Some things you do cannot be undone. That history will always be there. Always. It will never ever go away. It will always color the way he sees you. You will be forever different to him.

He can, and probably will, get past it eventually. Your relationship might survive. But whatever it was before will not be again. You will have to reconstruct everything. What is built back will not look like what was before. Many times, it will not look anything like what it was before. And you will have to live with that. Or not.

A man can take a lot of disrespect from a woman. And he can go a long time with it. But when you get to “too much” or “one too many times”, it’s done. DONE. OVER. You’ve knocked it all down, destroyed it all. And whatever was before, will never be again.

Perhaps a little food for thought for womenfolk as they wisely and prudently consider their men.

I have seen this happen in marriages where the woman is constantly nagging, harping, and threatening to leave. Over time the husband just checks out. He may remain married but the love and caring and wanting to do for her is gone. Dead marriage walking.

In other cases I have seen this with a single fatal blow, such as an affair or a particularly nasty fight where things are said in anger that change everything forever.

Its not a good place to be and it is avoidable. Ponder Deti’s words well, you don’t want to win the battle but lose the war.

Let those with ears hear.

Be Mine, Valentine

14 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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Today I happened to be walking out of a store at the same time the local high school was getting out. I saw multiple teen boys with bouquets of flowers in hand, obviously headed off to present them to someone.

They looked so young, so hopeful, so eager. I hope the gals the flowers will go to will be gentle with their hearts and realize it’s an honor when a man asks her to, “Be mine, Valentine.”

I have heard many men in the manosphere say they never loved again like they loved their first love. And for some whose first love broke their heart, the recovery can take years, if ever.

Ladies, if you have a man bringing your flowers today, be good and true to him!  In turn, he will gladly move mountains for you!

Let those with ears hear.

Head Games Don’t Pay Off

13 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in Relationships

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I have written about my former neighbor I nicknamed Vixen before more than once. Last time I wrote about her she was about to have a baby, and was torn between the dad who wouldn’t commit and the beta orbiter who would.

The baby is now almost 10 months old and sure is a cute little guy! He has a very even temperament and is the “easy baby” all moms hope for. I think God knew what she could handle, and cut her a lot of slack!

She still continues to waffle between the two choices, never fully committing or detaching from either one. So things continue to be a cluster.

The other night I had a little red pill heart to heart with her, and explained that a big reasons she (and her kids) are in the situation she’s in is due to her fence sitting. In classic projection she’s the one who is really unwilling to commit to either path 100%, not them, and the longer it goes on the more damage is being done.

Honestly I am surprised they both have not given up on her by now, but from what I see both guys are willing to commit to her *IF* she would commit to them. But she can’t decide, and that is the problem.

The baby’s father has a great job but it is and always has been in a different state. He comes home frequently, but as he has explained to her multiple times if he were to take a job closer to home, he’d be taking a 2/3 pay cut as well.

He’s got an Alpha temperament and so the more she tries to bend him to her will, the more distance he puts between them. I have met him and seen them interact and she constantly “shit tests” him whenever he comes home for the weekend. His reaction? He doesn’t want to be around her, and so he leaves.

As I watched her once again bring up the tired old, “We wouldn’t fight if you were here, it’s your job that is the problem,” yada yada last time he visited, I could not help but interrupt, “Haven’t we had this fight already?” (Not to mention in front of myself and the kids!)

He’s made it pretty clear he is more than willing to pay her rent and commit to her *if* she will stop the nagging and fighting and would drop the orbiter. And yet she just can’t seem to stop herself, even when it leads to him breaking things off and dating other women for awhile, which he has done. He’s a good guy but he simply is not going to tolerate her behavior.

Her beta orbiter is also a great guy. But she says as much as she wishes she felt “tingles” with him, she doesn’t. He’s too available, too ready to run to her aid, too willing to put up with her nonsense. It kills  her attraction but he just can’t seem to stop himself. He’s holding on in hopes that he will be the last guy standing in the end.

During our red pill talk I asked her which one she wanted. She said the baby’s father, ideally, which I also agree now that baby is here and he is willing if she can learn to curb her tongue. But I explained to her he would never be all in unless she was too. And that means cutting off the beta orbiter and his “help” 100% completely. And of course all other potential orbiters or relationships with single men who are attracted to her.

I also pointed out that her behavior was driving him away, and that rather than fight with him every time he comes to town, maybe she should welcome him, make a fuss, treat him like a king, and not complain. Make her place somewhere he can’t wait to get to rather than run away from.

He’s got the opportunity to transfer to an equal job here within the next six months.  So I suggested she spend the next six months cementing the relationship than continue to play foolish games. Cut off the other guy completely in the meantime, as his involvement and help only makes things more confusing. She simply can’t have both. She agreed it made sense.

Then, this weekend, just two days after our talk she spent most of her time with guess who? The beta orbiter. Ug!

I didn’t say anything, but she knows what I think. She’s playing with fire and it’s going to end up with her and her kids getting burned I am afraid.

She has taken note of my own long distance relationship, also due to work constraints. Rather than fight with him and make it an issue, I patiently wait because I realize it is in both of our best interest he ride out the next few years to get a full retirement that will be a huge benefit to us both! In the meantime we are in frequent contact, never fight, and see each other as often as his leave time allows. On weekends I stay home and I stay away from “friendships” with single guys because I don’t want him to even have to question where I stand. I have chosen him and that’s that. I do all I can to prove I am a good bet rather than play games and try to make him prove himself to me! He’s all in, but I know he would not be if I were not, too! (And I respect that!)

The bottom line is men don’t share. They just don’t. And men don’t like a bunch of drama either. Her own behavior is why she is single and has a commitment from nobody, while meanwhile I don’t have a care in the world and all is swell! I know she’s watching how I am handling my own situation differently, and I hope it will click for her, although honestly there’s already a LOT of damage done in the last 2-3 years she’s played games. I don’t see how either relationship could ever be what it fully could have been had she not played games. I wonder if she will ever get that?

What do you think? Have you ever seen a woman try to run a relationship as if she is an Alpha male? Except she isn’t, so the plate spinning and jealousy does not work in her favor? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

(Personally I think both guys should RUN!!! But softie that I am, I still hope for her, her kid’s, and the guys sake she will figure it out before they do.)

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

 

Build Up Your House

30 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Faith, Relationships

≈ 43 Comments

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There’s a proverb that I think every woman should know and use as a guiding principle in life. It goes:

“A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” ~ Proverbs 14.1

I have known many women who behave and believe in ways that foolishly tear down their homes, and sadly I have only known a few who work hard to build their homes up.

A few examples of tearing down one’s home include engaging in “husband bashing sessions” with other women, spending recklessly, threatening your spouse that you will leave or divorce them during arguments, allowing people in your life who bad talk your marriage, continually bringing up past grievances, calling names or fighting dirty rather than focusing on resolving issues, putting other things or people (friends, money, career, hobbies, etc.) in front of your family, having one foot in your marriage and one foot out the door, spending time around other men who you are attracted to or who are attracted to you, and more.

I am sure if you think about the women you know or have seen on TV or in movies, you could easily come up with many examples of women tearing down their homes with their own hands. There are few, if any, of women taking steps to build their homes up.

In fact, it seems women get far more support and encouragement today to LEAVE their marriages, than to work things out. But the wisdom and truth of this proverb has not changed.

As you go about your day, making decisions small and large, ask yourself, “Is this building my home up, or tearing it down?” Or, if you are unmarried, ask, “Is this building toward my plans for a future successful relationship, or not?”

A wise woman asks herself these questions, while a foolish one ignores them.

Let those who have ears hear.

Can you think of ways a woman could build up her house? Tear it down? Please share them in the comments!

A Bride or a Wife?

14 Friday Oct 2016

Posted by in Relationships

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Recently, I helped at a wedding that provided a great example of the difference between being ready to be a bride versus being ready to be a wife.

The couple is in their 20s. I would guess she’s about 22, he’s in his late 20’s. They met in a rather unique way — she was on a blind date with one of his friends (it was not a match). He waited a year, kept tabs on her via Facebook, then asked her out on a date. Before the date was over, she says they both knew this was likely “it.”

This young couple impresses me in many ways. They are already committed to a debt-free lifestyle. They bought a piece of land and are building a home. They approach life as a team already. They are unusually sensible and mature for their ages, it seems to me. They are “on the right track” and seem to have a solid plan for their future.

All of this impressed me already, but I really saw that this girl was ready to be a wife, not just a bride, when the wedding day approached. By a stroke of bad luck there was a huge storm, and with high winds and pouring rain forecast, the outdoor fall wedding she had dreamed of was just not in the cards as planned.

Three days before the event, she accepted reality and quickly went to work securing an alternate indoor venue and rearranging everything.

Not once did I see her melt down. Not once did I see her feel sorry for herself. Not once did I hear her complain. No princess fantasy derailment. No, “My day is ruined!” She just bucked up and did what needed done. Like a boss (and I told her so!)

I have to say, she surprised me. I had underestimated her, as she is very attractive and seems like the kind of girl who has likely had a charmed and easy life. Or so I thought. I was surprised in fact when I met her parents to learn this very traditional minded gal had been raised in a hippie commune.

Who would have thought? A gal raised in a Northern California hippie commune would turn out to be such a mature, sensible, solid adult? Who despite both being raised in an alternative culture combined with the current culture, choose to marry and start her adult life young, and choose very well. Her husband comes from one of the most respected families in the area and he is a great guy. His choice of a wife reveals a wisdom and readiness to lead.

I predict good things for them. She’s shared that they plan to start a family soon, and after working in commercial daycare centers in high school, and despite being recently promoted to manager in a national coffee house chain with the promise of an upwardly mobile career ahead, they have decided when children come she’ll stay at home and raise them.

In any case, she’s a good example of a woman who is not just ready to be a bride, but who is ready to be a wife. It warms my red pill cynical heart to see, that sometimes people still manage to find their way despite the mainstream madness.

I hope to raise my daughters to be as wise as this young lady.  She’s a great example and role model for any young woman to follow.

War Brides

12 Wednesday Oct 2016

Posted by in Red Pill, Uncategorized

≈ 14 Comments

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As someone who grew up in a military town, I have met and gotten to know many war brides.

Now, the “war bride” phenomenon is one few want to talk about, or acknowledge, as it speaks to a part of woman’s nature that men cannot fathom and many women don’t want to admit, that yet is part of the female internal program.

In short, in times of war, women respond to conquest by adapting to the new reality. They will marry soldiers who recently killed their kin and fathers and sons and brothers. Because the harsh reality is, if they do not find a protector, they are as good as dead.

If they cannot line up such a protector for themselves because of age (post menopause) they will try to align such a match for their younger female kin like everyone’s survival depends upon it, because in a very real way it does.

All of the true war brides I have known (not just women who married American G.I’s stationed in their area in peacetime) all had a certain air to them, an air of regret and unhappiness. An empty, soulless look to their eyes. They survived, yes. But there was a high price to pay.

Women today are quite detached from the reality that all that stands between them and choosing war bride or death are their countrymen.

Trust me, your countrymen are the way to go. Always. Cherish them. Be loyal, supportive and true to them in good times and bad. Bring them tea and sandwiches. Have their back. And be sure to build them up. Little gestures they are, but to men they mean so, so, so much.

If not, your future is as (in)secure as the direction of the latest wind.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

 

Half Empty or Half Full?

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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I am starting to see a common thread in the stories of the women in my life – it’s far more common to hear a woman focusing on the glass being half empty than half full. And guess what? The ones who do, they are unhaaaaapy.

I challenge you ladies, start looking at the half full side of things. Start steering your thoughts and attitude toward happy and grateful for the good things in your life from the smallest to the biggest. Chances are you will find yourself a lot haaaaaapier if you do so.

Extreme example, but it’s a good one. A friend of mine who has been talking non-stop about divorcing her loyal, hardworking, steady Eddie husband of 10+ years and father of her four children (two hers he took on 100%, two theirs) for over a year now (and I have been trying to talk her out of it), her husband had a freak reaction to anesthesia during a minor surgical procedure a few months ago. He nearly died.

She freaked out. This man is the sole source of income and support for her family. She was in the hospital and on her knees praying for his life for two days straight. And, he lived and is doing well.

I am not kidding, less than a week later I call her up and right away she starts back into, “I am unhaaaaapy. It’s all his fault. I should just divorce him and get this over with. How long can I live like this?” And so on. LESS THAN ONE WEEK LATER.

Seriously, sister? And this poor guy, he actually gets up and goes to work and does all he can to make her happy anyway! Bless him. How many women would do the same?

There’s a saying that before you point out the speck in someone else’s eye, you should take the log out of your own. Because I would say in all of the cases of my friends who I see doing this, the unhappiness isn’t him, it’s within themselves. Leaving him won’t fix that.

If you have a good man who maybe isn’t perfect but he’s working hard and trying to please you, is a good dad, has a good heart — he is not abusive, not cheating, not an addict or alcoholic — be grateful for what you have, because I tell you, you will miss it dearly when it is gone. And you will regret not doing different.

So do different now. Be happy. Be happy with what you have. Look for the good in him. Be good to him. Build him up in your mind, and his. Love him, honor him, cherish and obey him. Like you promised you would, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live.

And if you do, you will be a happy woman. And you will have a happy man, who will work all the harder to make you happy, and he will honor you above all others, and your children will be happy, and that happy will make more happy. Unlimited happy. Happier than you ever dreamed. I have seen even marriages racked with infidelity and alcoholism turn around with this one simple choice — to focus on the good and not the bad. The choice is yours.

Let those who have ears hear.