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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: sex life

What We Can Learn From 50 Shades of Grey

17 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships, Sex and Such

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

50 Shades, 50 Shades of Grey, alpha male, androgeny, attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, beta, blue pill, divorce, marriage, red pill, sex life, sexuality

Like it or not, the book and now movie 50 Shades of Grey has been a smashing financial success. The book has sold more copies than Harry Potter, the movie grossed over $81 million this past opening weekend. And all this despite nearly everyone who critiqued the book saying it was pretty terribly written. (I have not read the book or seen the movie.)

Whether you are in the love it or hate it camp, there is no denying this book and then film hit a raw nerve in a big, big way. So why has it been so successful? What is it that has people (errr, I mean women) buying the books and flocking to the theaters in droves?

Well, for one thing it’s about sex. And as they say, sex sells. More than that it’s about a sexual relationship where the male partner is dominant and the female partner is submissive.

This isn’t the soft, gentle, wrapped in romance style sex that most men and women have been sold as “the way it works.” It’s not roses and chocolates and hopes that with a foot rub and some choreplay there *might* be some sex in return for Mr. Grey, if he’s lucky.

But wait, that’s what women want, right? Isn’t that how it works?

Actually not, as I think the success of this book and movie clearly show. Those familiar with the Red Pill shouldn’t be surprised by this information. Manospherians recognized this dynamic long ago and have built an entire philosophy of seduction and tripping a woman’s attraction wires around it.

What the Red Pill says, among other things, is that women and men are not the same. Gender is not a social construct. Men and women are different.

Yet over the past 40 years a “same and equal” philosophy that women want men to act more like women and men want women who act more like men has been pushed by the larger culture, often called the Blue Pill, much to the dissatisfaction of all.

Not to be crude but what do women like about men? They are hard. What do men like about women? They are soft. What doesn’t work? Soft men and hard women.

I am not saying everyone needs to go get whips and handcuffs to be sexually happy (but if it floats your boat, go for it). What I am saying is that the feminized man and the masculine woman dynamic doesn’t work.

But God forbid you say it out loud because THAT’S JUST NOT OK. It’s misogyny. It’s sexist. It’s abusive. It’s oppressive. It’s patriarchy. Etc.

To that I simply say, it wasn’t men buying these books and movie tickets for the most part, now was it? So who exactly is so titillated by the idea of a man calling the shots? Hummm?

Female sexuality has a side that few women want to admit to but Harlequin romance novel writers, female erotica writers, and the author of 50 Shades all reveal loud and clear. Women aren’t the delicate little asexual fainting flowers the Victorians portrayed them to be.

So why are we as a culture (and in many ways especially women) working so hard to deny that? I think a lot of marriages and relationships could be greatly improved by putting aside the prudish Blue Pill thinking and embracing the Red Pill reality the runaway success of 50 Shades makes abundantly clear.

Hopefully more women, and men, will be awakened to how it works — and how it has always worked — because of it.

Exhibit A…

“He moves suddenly so that his hand is cupping my sex, and one of his fingers sinks slowly into me. His other arm holds me firmly in place around my waist.

“This is mine,” he whispers aggressively. “All mine. Do you understand?” He eases his finger in and out as he gazes down at me, gauging my reaction, his eyes burning.

“Yes, yours…”

Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once: Withdrawing his fingers, leaving me wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down onto the couch so he’s lying on top of me.

“Hands on your head,” he commands through gritted teeth as he kneels up, forcing my legs wider…

“We don’t have long. This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you. Do you understand?

Don’t come, or I will spank you,” he says through clenched teeth.”

~ E.L. James

That text didn’t sweep through suburbia faster than the latest measles outbreak for nothing. And it wasn’t men who were telling their friends about it, it was women.

What does that say?

Let those who have ears hear.

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

break up, break ups, commitment, dating, divorce, game, happiness, heartbreak, highest life, libido, love, ltr, marriage, MMP, Mr. Right, positive thinking, prosperity, red pill, relationships, relationships. marriage, risk, romance, sex, sex life, single mom, single parenting, stay at home mom, strong independant female, struggle, submission, true love, what men want

Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

On Sex in Marriage

18 Wednesday Jun 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Sex and Such

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

casual sex, celibacy, divorce, infidelity, libido, love, marriage, porn addiction, red pill, sex, sex drive, sex life

Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.

Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.

While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.

Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.

Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)

It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?

Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.

Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?

If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.

Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!

Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?

Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.

Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.

Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?

To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.

And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.

Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.

It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.

“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.

Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.

“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.

Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.

And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.

Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”

Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:

1 Corinthians 7

7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)

See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!

Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.

Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:

Enjoy! And then just do it! Today!

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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