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Notes From a Red Pill Girl

~ A site for women interested in a red pill perspective (where men are welcome too!)

Notes From a Red Pill Girl

Tag Archives: single mom

Don’t Be That Girl

01 Monday Oct 2018

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 226 Comments

Tags

addiction, alcoholism, dating, red pill, single mom, sobriety

The other night I happened to be at a big wedding for a friend of a friend. Early on I noticed a beautiful blond girl in a flowing black formal gown. To say she was stunning was an understatement. She looked like some sort of goddess, I am not kidding. On the looks scale I would say she was a 9 or maybe even a 10. No joke!

Later I saw her with a baby and a young man I assumed was her husband. They looked like a dashing young couple and their daughter (maybe 10 months old) was adorable.

The next time I saw her she was surrounded by a crowd, drink in hand, telling stories as friends gathered around. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

A bit later I saw her again, another drink in hand. Still telling stories, her voice starting to slur. Her man and baby were gone.

An hour or so later she’s stumbling around. Not making much sense. People start to avoid her except for a few guys who seem to be hoping to take her home.

Another hour goes by and she’s been cut off from the bar. I hear her baby daddy (turns out they weren’t married, for this reason) had left with the child. He’s in the process of trying to get custody. Had he videotaped her behavior, I am sure it would not have looked good in court.

She asks several times for another drink at the bar but is turned away. She starts going around and drinking half finished beers left behind on tables. Twice she nearly falls as she trips on tables and chairs in search of another half empty can. Waiters at the event notice and start picking up any abandoned containers before she can.

The wedding ends and I overhear people trying to talk other people into giving her a ride home. Nobody wants to except for a guy who seems to want to take advantage of the situation. Finally someone else agrees to give her a ride. I overhear long time friends say, “She always does this. We are so sick of it!”

The mother of the groom says the girl dated her other son briefly but because of her behavior he had broken things off. The son was there with his now wife and baby. The wife wasn’t as striking as the blonde but she was pretty in a less flashy way,  was clearly better wife material, and was the picture of a devoted happy young mom. She had married well, into a very successful and nice family.

I wanted to talk to the blonde but realized that in her stumbling, fall down state it would have done absolutely no good. I am pretty sure she would probably not remember much of the night.

Some people just shouldn’t drink and this girl seemed to be one of them. I hope someone says so to her, and soon.  And if so I hope she listens. If not the girl is headed for disaster. Sadly, her daughter’s future doesn’t look too bright either.

Don’t be that girl!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Will She or Won’t She?

19 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 166 Comments

Tags

advice, affair, affairs, divorce, frivorce, life, marriage, modern marriage, red pill, single dad, single mom, single parenting

A woman I know shared the following tale about her son and daughter in law the other day.

The couple dated for several years before getting married four years ago. A little over 18 months ago their baby girl was born.

He works for the National Guard. She is a part time nursing student and stay at home mom.

A little over a month ago, the wife revealed she was having an affair with a high school flame she reconnected with on Facebook.  She told her husband she was considering a divorce.

A few days later she changed her mind and now says she wants to work on the marriage. It seems that means, “let’s pretend this never happened,” versus actually seeming to regret her affair or wanting to examine what happened. Rather than it being something big, it simply seems to be boredom.

His parents always worried about his choice, as the girl was prone to drama and conflict. The son made excuses for the behavior because of her, “tough childhood” and “parent’s nasty divorce.” She even worked very hard to win over his family before the wedding, saying how all she had ever wanted was a loving secure marriage like his parents have.

His mom and sister fear the wife is only biding her time, lining things up so she can serve him with divorce papers when the time is right.

Shes’s visiting her parents home an hour away more often these days, who also happen to live in the same area as the man she was seeing.

Of course there’s no way to know will she or won’t she pull the plug on her marriage, or if she’s continuing her affair, but it’s not looking good.

I hope she will come to her senses. I wish I could talk to her myself, warn her about what lies ahead if she persists in this foolishness. It only seems easier to start over, but it won’t be. Not even close.

If I could talk to him I would advise he take control of the situation rather than let her drive it, implement some dread and paint a good picture of what burning it all to the ground would look like if she persists.

Will they be another needless, senseless frivorce casualty? Only time will tell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Can Women Really Be Red Pill?

26 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Red Pill

≈ 140 Comments

Tags

attraction, battle of the sexes, break up, break ups, co-parenting, dating, divorce, feminism, love, marriage, misogeny, patriarchy, red pill, relationships, sexism, single mom, single parenting

If you have done much reading on the manosphere about the red pill you surely have found, well, that seems to be a guy thing. It’s mostly guys talking to other guys about this red pill. Can a woman be red pill? Should she? What can a woman gain from red pill information?

As I have shared elsewhere on this site, I stumbled across the red pill after yet another relationship failure, desperate to figure out what I was getting wrong so I could start getting it right. I was doing all the things I had been told girls were supposed to do: I had a college degree, a career, had started my own business – I was living the dream! I was doing and being all that I could be. I am woman, her me roar.

Except, that all wasn’t working out so well on the home front. I was a single mom with two children and failed relationships with both of their fathers, one I was married to for 12 years, the other who I met a few years after after my divorce, we lived together and had a child (because this is the “modern age” right? Who needs marriage? It’s just a piece of paper, I thought. Marriage didn’t work for me, so why not skip the marriage part?) That time, it lasted 4 years. I was devastated. About 6 months after that, I met and dated someone for 6 months. It was going good at first, but then that too crashed and burned. WTF?

I knew there had to be another way.

Now that I am red pill aware, I can see the role I played in all those relationships not working out, and it wasn’t minor. Not that it was all my fault either, but I could have been and done better in all those relationships. I am ashamed to admit I rarely thought about what these men might need from me in these relationships, that maybe they weren’t just there to prop me up so I could live my dreams. My career and business came first, before them and before my kids. I was trying to become this island, the liberated modern female who didn’t need anyone but herself, could take care of herself, could provide for herself, and could thanks to all that be unoppressed and free.

Despite these repeated relationship failures, everyone around me was building me up for being this “strong independent woman,” or SIW who was a single mom, running a business, active in the community. I didn’t need a man, they said, I was living proof that feminism worked. Meanwhile, inside, I knew something was not working, not working at all. I didn’t want to be a SIW poster child. I wanted to be a part of something, not to be an island. I wanted a happy relationship and a happy family.

Confused, I was surfing the internet one night looking for information on successful relationships when I stumbled across a red pill blog, The Rules Revisited. It was a blog written by a man, to women, explaining a lot of things that women don’t seem to get about men. I could not stop reading. Suddenly a lot that didn’t make sense before, suddenly did. I read every single post over the next few days. I read all the comments. Somehow one of them led me to another red pill blog, Just Four Guys, where inner-gender relationships and dynamics of men and women and relationships were being discussed more openly and honestly than I had ever seen.

Over and over I heard the story of relationships failing, from a male point of view. Through their stories, I could see where I had gone wrong in my own. Friends who I tried to talk to about what I was reading flat out rejected it as misogynistic rantings of bitter, angry, men. How could I even read that stuff, they asked?

But somehow I knew these red pill men were on to something. I read the blogs every day. I read every comment. Over time I started to recognize the names of those who commented over and over, started to piece together their stories. Eventually I started commenting myself. Having grown up with only one older brother, their direct way of communication and their abrupt, sometimes offensive, language didn’t phase me.

These were men being men. I knew I needed to understand men. Here they were. And although I have heard many women say red pill men hate women, it is not true. Those guys were/are some of the smartest, kindest, bighearted men (and a handful of women also interested in these red pill ideas) I had ever met.  And even though I was only starting to grasp the red pill, they welcomed me and they encouraged me on my quest to try to understand how men think, what men needed, and what women just don’t get about men but men wished they did.

Day after day they accepted me and made me feel welcome although at times if I was getting off track they would make no bones about pointing it out. Several times when I would have a “red pill moment” and come face to face with a truth about myself or the world I didn’t want to see, they patiently supported me as I wailed and beat my chest and went off the rails emotionally in protest before making peace with whatever it was I didn’t want to see but needed to. They knew, because they had been there, too.

“If the red pill wants to make you vomit,” one said, “then you know you are starting to get it.” Because it’s true, the red pill often reveals to men and to women things about being who we are that we’d rather not see. Things we have built amazingly complex subterfuge, smoke and mirrors, and pretty little lies around, desperately trying to conceal and deny these truths about men and women and relationships and how it all really works.

I learned all sorts of thing. What men wanted in a woman. What was important to men in relationships. What was important to men in general. Where women often go wrong. Where I went wrong. Why men acted like they did. What women just didn’t get about men. What women just didn’t get about themselves. And more, much much more.

Sometimes a woman commenter would show up and start arguing with these guys, displaying her SIW flag loud and proud and insisting these red pill concepts were wrong. When this happened, these men made no bones about what the red pill had to say about all that. In many cases these women would double down, and yes it could get ugly. The men would call out the red pill ideas these women’s very own commentary proved true. Sometimes the gals would stay and try to fight, lobbing in low blows and insults, but the guys would not back down on what they believed. Sometimes the girls got it and settled in to be a constructive participant. If not, and usually after much drama, eventually they would go off in a huff, reject the red pill entirely.

As my own understanding grew, I  would try to act as a translator for these new gals, putting what these guys were saying into words I knew a woman could better understand. For me. For them. And even for my own girls. At that time, I felt even if I wasn’t in a relationship and didn’t know if I ever would be again, I could at least learn these things so I could help my two daughters and other women avoid my divorced single mom fate.

In fact, doing so inspired me to start this blog, I wanted to share with women these red pill ideas, both to better understand them myself by writing about them and in hopes this information could help them avoid some of the relationship pitfalls I had not. I felt if women could understand these red pill concepts, from the female point of view, it would improve their lives and relationships. I also do the same in real life, counseling friends about how to save their marriages and connect with their men rather than encouraging them “you go girl!” toward divorce and the SIW path I now know is not the way.

Am I red pill? Can a woman really be red pill? I am not sure. But I know I am at the least red pill aware, and that what I have learned from the red pill over the past year plus has set me up to succeed in my new relationship and understand how to have that happy marriage and family I have always wanted plus how to eliminate the thinking and behaviors I held that were preventing it before. It’s changed me, and for the better. I feel very good about the future. The time I have spent wrestling with these red pill concepts has paid off many fold in making me a better woman, a better partner, a better mother, and a better friend. It hasn’t always been easy, but I don’t regret it, not one bit.

What do you think? Can women be red pill?

Can a Woman Raise a Man?

07 Sunday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Gender

≈ 40 Comments

Tags

becoming a man, boys, gender, masculine, masculinity, men, single mom, single parenting, son

Comments about my recent post on “The Return of Masculinity” raised an interesting question,
Can a woman raise a man?”

Or in other words can a mom, especially a single mom, raise a son to be a man? Can she teach him what he needs to know as a man? Guide him in being a man?

I am a single mom, but I have two daughters, no sons. So while I cannot comment on mothering a boy as a single mom, I can comment firsthand on watching my mother try to do so.

My father survived Vietnam but tragically passed away in a car accident after his return. My mom was 27. I was 2. My brother was 4. Now this affected all of us in in profound ways, to be sure, but I have often thought perhaps it affected my brother most of all.

Someone said to him, shortly after, that he was now “the man of the house.” Why people say the things they do when people die I will never know, but I am not sure whether it was to inspire him, or somehow comfort him, but I think what it did, at the tender age of four, was terrify him. That’s a lot to put on a four-year-old.

My mother had no job skills so she went back to school and a wonderful lady, who lived nearby, whose own children were grown, and had lost her own husband a few months prior sought my mom out and offered to babysit us, everyday while she was in school, for free. She was such a blessing to us, this spunky short spitfire of a lady from Kansas, and she made a tough time easier on us all.

But back to my brother. He was a handful. I think while my mom denied her grief as her way to hold it together, he exploded in his. Add that to the fact that he already had ADHD, and now nobody to roughhouse with, or to push back on him, he literally did rule our roost. My exhausted mother placated him with candy and other bribes, just adding to his energy and escalating demands.

Everyone was afraid of my brother at school, and so I never wanted for protection. I was figuratively under his wing, even into my teen years once a guy heard my last name, he was backing away and bowing least he have to deal with my brother’s wrath.

But at home, he was out of control. I can see now he was acting out his pain, but at the time he was a tyrant. He spoke to my mother horribly, and as he got older he bullied her and intimidated her. He bullies me too, and could be very unkind, but while he regularly threatened to pound on me, he never actually did. The older he got, the worse it got.

He played sports and was in Scouts and here and there participated in men’s activities, but outside of that he lived in a world of women between our family, our sitter, and my mom’s friends.

I am told my father was brilliant, and his father as well. Geniuses, they say. My brother is also incredibly intelligent, but in school he was completely undisciplined, between the ADHD and the lack of any real structure or support with homework at home, his grades were abysmal compared to his potential. (my mom, bless her, was homecoming queen, but she is not an intellectual and could not really help my bother past a certain point. I am told I take after my father in temperament and brains, but my brother is far, far smarter than I am.)

One man who took my brother under his wing was his high school band teacher. My brother was a musical prodigy, he said, able to pick up and play pretty much any instrument you put in front of him. He played alto saxophone in the band, and mostly electric guitar for fun at home. He loved Heavy Metal and his heroes were the lead guitar players from these bands.

My bother liked his band teacher (who was also a foster parent) a lot, and he asked my mom when he was in his sophomore year if he could move to his house. My mom was horrified, and said no, but thinking back I wonder if that would not have been the best thing that could happen. I think my brother wanted, and needed, very much a man to guide him.

I am surprised he graduated high school, between the skipping classes, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, minor run ins with the law, and riding his dirt bike at full tilt. But he did, somehow. His grades were equally bad when he went to the local community college. When they dipped below the level for him to continue to get his VA benefits, my mom gave him a choice, join the military or move out on your own. (My father was active duty when he died and so both my brother and I got monthly checks for college under the GI Bill.)

He joined the Marines, not because of his grades but because of his scores on their intelligence tests. Unfortunately he told them he had never smoked pot or used drugs. On his way to boot camp, they asked him again. He again said no. Their background checks confirmed different and they told him, “Son had you been honest with us, we would have been ok with it. But since you ;lied, you cannot become a Marine son, good luck.” My brother had to call my mom collect, from a city four hours away, for a ride home.

The next week he went to the Navy recruiter, told the tale, and signed up. I didn’t think he would last ten minutes in the service, with his attitude toward authority, but instead he was like a duck in water. He thrived with the structure, and the discipline, and the limits. They noticed he liked to boss people, so they put him in charge. He worked on aviation electronics and computers. He served 8 years before he left the military for a career in civil service. Because he could instantly see all the ways to hack into a computer system, he was assigned to electronic security and helped keep hackers out of some of the most important government offices in Washington DC.

He recently left the DC area and has moved to be near my mother and I. He’s looking for a job and is doing well. He never married, has no children. He desperately wants a partner, but he has always been unlucky in love. He falls had and fast and scares the ladies off, as far as I can see.

Anyway, back to the point, my mom raised my brother, but as hard as she tried she could not be both a mom and a dad to him. I would say many if not most of his life struggles are all related to not having my father. From small things like not having someone to teach him how to pee standing up, to big things like how to talk to girls, he was on his own to figure it out. It was a lot for a little guy of four, and I think it’s still a lot today.

I could tell of other examples, men I have dated who were raised by single moms and how that affected them, but maybe another time. For now I will leave it with this one tale.

If you ask me, “Can a woman raise a man?” I would say, “No.” She can do her damn best, and be a good mom, but if that boy has a father who wants to be a part of his life, she should set any feelings of her own aside and make sure her son gets regular and frequent time with his dad. If like in my brother’s case, that’s not possible, the next best thing would be to get him around his male kin: grandpas, uncles, and such. Failing that, get him into a male organization and try to find a stable and long term man to be a part of his life (maybe a neighbor or family friend, not a romantic interest of mom unless he’s going to be around for life.)

To be clear, I am not saying a single mom can not do right being a GREAT mom to her son, but she cannot be his dad too. She needs to make sure her son is around a man, as above. It’s best for her, and him, and his future.

To do any less than make sure her boy is around men, a mother will unintentionally cripple her son no matter how much she loves him or how hard she works. It’s not because she isn’t doing enough, it’s just the way it is. Boys need men. Men make boys become men. Boys who become men (chronologically) without a man in their life may continue to struggle in life into adulthood.

That’s my two cents, anyway. Take it for what it is, one firsthand account.

Let those with ears hear.

Is a Woman’s Work Ever Done?

02 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Fempire

≈ 62 Comments

Tags

career woman, dating, divorce, feminism, marriage, modern woman, mother, single mom, stay at home mom, wife, working mom

In the early 1980s there was a perfume called “Enjoli” that was sold as capturing the essence of the post-feminist “modern woman” in a bottle. The commercial’s jingle went like this:

I can bring home the bacon

Fry it up in a pan

And never ever ever let you

forget you’re a man

Cause I’m a wooooman, Enjoli!

(And it continues so if you like, you can watch the whole commercial here. My apologies to readers who now can’t get the jingle out of their heads.)

Yep, she lived life to the fullest, she was the 24/7 woman. She could have a career, keep house, entice her man, read the kids a bedtime story while her man made dinner, and then they would hop in the sack and finish off the perfect day with some hot sex.

I was thinking back on this commercial over the weekend while I felt myself trying to keep up with this “have it all” lifestyle expectation and feeling like a miserable failure as it was one step from chaos collapse on all fronts. And once again was wondering is it just me who can’t cut it, or does any woman really “have it all?”

It brought to mind a trip I made to China and Hong Kong when I was around 27 years old. I traveled with my mom’s twin sister and her husband, who was born in China and raised in Hong Kong (they married when he was in the U.S. to go to college).

Thanks to my uncle, I got to see life in Hong Kong and China “from the inside” as we were welcomed guests into many of his family and friend’s homes.

Now at that time Hong Kong had only recently been handed back over to China by the British and the two cultures had not yet commingled much. Hong Kong was uber modern, densely packed, and it seemed like everyone worked 12+ hour days. I thought I had seen capitalism in the United States, but it paled in comparison to the capitalism that was Hong Kong. It was an island with seemingly one purpose — money, money, money.

One woman who was married to a good friend of my uncle had us over for dinner. She was a career woman, and like most households in Hong Kong, they had live in Philippine housekeepers. This woman was calm, collected, and stylish. Their apartment was impeccably furnished and had an amazing view of the city and the bay of Hong Kong.  At one point during the evening she turned to me, looking somewhat aghast, and said, “How do American women do it?”

Confused, and worried this was another curious interrogation about Monika Lewinski, I stammered something along the lines of, “Do what?”

“Why have a career and keep a house, too?” she responded. “How could anyone possibly think they could DO both?”

It was the first time I had ever heard anyone ask that question. The discussion went on and we came to the conclusion that it was the labor laws and minimum wage that made it impossible for American women who were not in the upper class to have live in help. Yet, I realized, we were still expected to perform somehow as if we did. Interesting.

In China, we visited my uncle’s youngest sister, born to his father’s second wife and secretly raised by her mother and supported by their father in China unbeknown to the rest of the family until his father’s death. (Multiple wives were not that uncommon in China just a generation before, and so my uncle’s mother and he and his siblings embraced her as their sister and they are now one big happy family, including the two wives!)

I got the feeling that this sister had lived a more privileged life than the average Chinese girl. She was well educated and had married a star of the Bejing Opera (Sort of the equivalent to a rock star in the United States.) She had been a career girl before she married but stopped working when she married. Her husband was away traveling, but we visited her, her mother, and the sister’s cute as a button one year old son. Also there was her live in nanny/housekeeper, a young girl from a poor rural village.

As the sister excitedly entertained us with stories of her life, her mother and housekeeper prepared and served us a wonderful tea. The baby sat with his mother when he was happy and content, but the minute he was hungry or fussy or dirty he was whisked away by grandma or the nanny, only to return when he was happy and content again.

The sister looked at me (I did not have children at that time) and remarked quite dramatically, “How could a woman possibly take care of more than ONE child? I am exhausted!”

Again, I did not know what to reply. Few American women had anywhere near the round-the-clock and live in type of support this “exhausted” young mother had.

These two moments from years ago came back to me this weekend, as I felt incredibly stretched trying to run my business during one of the busiest three day tourist weekends of the year, then scrambled about each morning trying to find some clean clothes and did load after load of dishes each night. I went out to eat twice with my new beau and tried my best to be alert and attentive even though what I really wanted to do was hide from the world and sleep. Great guy that he is, he completely understood (and even unloaded the dishwasher).

All weekend that stupid Enjoli jingle kept going through my head, mocking me for not being able to do it all and be it all while smiling and looking breezy.

But today I am starting to wonder, is it really me? Do I just “not get it?” Or is it just impossible? Can a woman really have it all, without paying someone else to do part of what women’s work used to be?

Born in the early 1970-s, I’ve never known a life where I wasn’t expected to get a education, have a career, do and be it all. In many ways I am the Enjoli woman, all grown up. And quite frankly, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I am just going to say it, based on my experience and the frenzied lives of women around me who have tried to follow the same path, what a crock! Where do I get the last 20 years back?

Or maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Is the empowered and fulfilled post-modern feminist reality, or was it a myth all along? Or was it maybe, in America anyway, only reality for the few women born into a class who could afford live in help to do the work women have always done so they could live the Enjoli dream?

Secrets of a Single Mom

17 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Uncategorized

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

custody, divorce, feminism, Insomnia, parenting, red pill, single mom

I have not gotten a solid 8 hours of sleep in years. Last night I got three. Interrupted twice by a three-year-old yelling, “mommy” from the other room. The alarm will go off in 10 minutes. Then my day will start. A flurry of getting school clothes and lunches packed and kids dropped off followed by somehow getting 12 hours of work done in a five hour window before school is over and the babysitter drops the kids back off. And oh yeah, I am sick. But it doesn’t matter because it’s all me. If I don’t do it, nobody will. Like the laundry, dishes, gardening, housecleaning. I do all that, too.  Yep. Living the glamorous life. The single independant woman.

Who needs a man? Like a fish needs a bicycle, right?

What a crock.

Let those who have ears hear.

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

break up, break ups, commitment, dating, divorce, game, happiness, heartbreak, highest life, libido, love, ltr, marriage, MMP, Mr. Right, positive thinking, prosperity, red pill, relationships, relationships. marriage, risk, romance, sex, sex life, single mom, single parenting, stay at home mom, strong independant female, struggle, submission, true love, what men want

Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Kids Need Their Dads

15 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by redpillgirlnotes in Relationships

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

child support, co-parenting, custody, divorce, red pill, relationships, single dad, single mom

Ladies, if you have kids and are not with their dad for whatever reason, are you making sure your children’s relationship with their dad continues even if your relationship with him does not?

I hope so, because your kids need their dad. And way too many women make the mistake of pushing him out either out of anger or just because they themselves don’t want to deal with him anymore, but this is a really, really shortsighted and selfish thing to do.

In fact, experts say there are very few situations where either parent should be denied regular time with their children. Kids need both parents, ideally together but if that simply is not possible, then separately. And without ongoing conflict, anger, or bad-talking of either parent. It takes a lot of maturity to co-parent in a healthy way that puts your kids needs over your own, but it is well worth it for their sake.

I know this because I grew up without my dad, who died in a car accident when I was two and my brother was four. We each missed having our dad in different ways, and at many points. Even today, some 40 years later, I still feel and grieve that loss. It’s never “over.” That void is always there, even more so on days like Father’s Day, or when I see a bride walked down the aisle, or do a father-daughter dance. Many times I find the grief is right there, ready to pop out when I least expect it.

Now in my case, there was no option. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that my father was out there somewhere and I just wasn’t getting to see him, or worse was being told he didn’t want to see me. I do know people in this situation and most have as adults reconnected with their fathers despite their mother’s wishes, and in the cases where mom shoved dad out, they harbor real and lasting anger at their moms because of it.

When a relationship between parents ends, so should the fighting and bickering and anger. If you can’t do it, have someone else manage visitation drop offs and pick ups for you until you can. I have many times witnessed a child standing to the side while their mom and dad stand and argue with each other and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Just don’t.

And don’t make shit up. And don’t play games. And don’t stir the pot.  Just let it go. Be the bigger person. Show your kids the high road by always taking it yourself. Be that person they desperately need to look up to.

And don’t hold money over his head in exchange for time, keep money and time separate issues, not discussed in front of your children. In fact, remember that little ears hear everything, so never bad talk the other parent around your kids, and don’t let other people do it either because your kids are half that person, and if they keep hearing that person is bad, they will think they are half bad, too.

Trust me, your kids need their dad. If he’s out there and wants to be a part of their life, please, let him be. They need him.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

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