Tag Archives: true love

Unconditional Love

22 Monday Jan 2018

Posted by in Relationships

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We could learn a lot from animals, especially about unconditional love.

Since I was young I have always felt a special bond with animals. Compared to people they seemed refreshingly honest and true. They love simply, totally, and unconditionally.

In the love and commitment department, I’d say animals put us to shame. Imagine how much better of a world it would be if humans loved each other that way?

Dogs, for example, don’t leave each other. That’s why it is so traumatic for a dog to be given away — it’s something they simply don’t do, or understand. Commitment till death do you part is an automatic to them.

Indeed we could learn a lot from our furry friends about love, commitment, forgiveness, loyalty, not holding grudges, and living in the moment. I’d suggest when one struggles in love they ask themselves, “What would a dog do?” And try doing that. I know it sounds simple but for all our supposedly superior brainpower, I see more animals getting it than people.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

The Girl and Boy Games Start Early

05 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in parenting, Relationships

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If you have every been around preschool or grade school aged kids, you may have noticed the girl and boy games start early. My youngest, now in grade school, recently encountered one of the trickiest girl games, and I have to say she handled it like a champ.

There is a boy in her class who right from day one declared he thought she was the bee’s knees. And beautiful. And that he loved her. And wanted to marry her. The kid is “a natural,” clean cut and good looking. He’s got game already!

Every day after that he waited for her to arrive. I walked her to class the first few weeks, so I go to witness his face light up at the sight of her, watch him rush over, say, “Hi” and then the compliments would begin.

Then he started to “kiss” her. He was savvy enough to know that rather than actually try to kiss her, he would make a little “beak” like with his fingers and peck her on the cheek.

“Momma, why does he do and say all that?” she’d ask me after giving her daily report.

Now before the manosphere perhaps I would have overreacted, read something sinister into it, worry that he would hurt my little girl. But thanks to the guys around here, I knew by then that nope, he was just a sweet little boy with a crush. So I told her just that, and said to be nice to him, and take it as a compliment, then say to him, “My mom says I am too young for all this.”

I was also tempted to ask him what his career goals were, or to see how many camels, sheep, and goats his family might have to offer. (Kidding!)

Now that’s not the tricky part, although navigating girl-and-boy games can be tricky indeed. No, the tricky part was that her friends who were girls started to get jealous and to wish this boy was crushing on them instead. They started to chase him at recess, and try to win his affections away.

But he didn’t waver. He had made his decision. I thought that was very touching, and that it showed him to be of good character rather than a gadabout. (I am a momma bear, after all.)

After a few days when I asked her how she handled it, the girl games, she said matter of fact, “I told them it is not my fault he likes me. And that they didn’t need to get him to like them, they just needed to find their own love of their life. And that he was out there. Somewhere.” The girls accepted this, and all remained friends.

Lol. Out of the mouth of babes! She’s spunky, that one!

If these two actually do end up getting married, I will for sure be writing a country song about all this.

Embrace your Femininity

20 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Relationships, Sex and Such

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Over the past 40 years, traditional feminine qualities such as beauty, grace, domesticity, charm, chastity, and being “girly” have been increasingly vilified in a similar way that masculine traits have been vilified for men and boys (but ironically encouraged in women and girls!)

Women and girls are told that acting feminine will lead to them being objectified, oppressed, overlooked, and disempowered. Instead women are encouraged to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, aggressive, tough, and more.

Well, let me let you in on a little secret — for females femininity and feminine traits ARE power! Yep.

And I am not the only one to think so. In fact this was reconfirmed yesterday as I listened to a podcast by a woman who bills herself as a “modern day courtesan.” This woman is in no way “red pill” and yet her message was similar — if you want to succeed in love and romance, be MORE feminine!

To clarify, a courtesan is not a call girl, escort, or prostitute (they sleep with men for money, any man, with no expectations of him beyond the encounter) and it’s not just about sex. A courtesan is a long term companion who is financially supported by her admirer/s, sometimes in an exclusive monogamous relationship or sometimes in a few non-exclusive but ongoing and long term committed relationships.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a courtesan lifestyle, but I do think her message was dead on as far as feminine wiles being a core part of female strength, and one women should not be afraid of. Her advice would be just as appropriate to apply within a marriage or long-term relationship as in a courtesan one — in short, the path to happiness, love, and romance is paved with female charms.

Some of her advice? Be happy and light. Laugh. Flirt. Look for ways to bewitch your partner and draw him in. Enjoy adorning yourself. Dress well. Learn how to use make up and other beauty products to your best advantage. Don’t overwork yourself. Learn how to be seductive (not the same as slutty, the opposite actually!) Be mysterious in a good way. Educate yourself on current affairs and a wide range of topics so you can be a charming conversationalist. Understand you may draw a man in because he is initially interested in sex (not too fast, ladies! Anticipation is your friend), but you will keep a man by seducing and connecting with his mind. Study your man’s personal favorite female qualities and work those to your advantage. Don’t be pushy or demanding, but instead coax his cooperation and devotion with your feminine wiles. Wear pretty undies. Let him take care of you. Be a refuge for him, a place he cannot wait to run to. Forgo “broken men” who do not and cannot truly appreciate and love, love, love the feminine. Be a lover of the masculine, as well. Be the kind of woman he can’t bear to live without. And more.

It all sounded like good advice to me. What do you think?

 

Sometimes You Still See It

22 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Relationships

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It’s pretty easy to get jaded about relationships these days. One doesn’t have to look very hard to see examples of good love gone bad all around. But every once in awhile, you see true love does exist.

Or at least I have. Most recently I have spied it as I take my kids to school in the morning. At first, I didn’t pay the couple walking along the side of the road much attention. But one day I noticed a certain oddness to her gait that made me look at them a little closer.

They aren’t exactly elderly, maybe late 50s or early 60s. And it is hard to say what exactly is going on, maybe cancer, maybe early onset of Alzheimer’s, maybe something else but she is clearly very, very ill.

On nice days I see them, out taking a morning walk. He hovers near her with a gentle tenderness and patience, it is clear from his body language he loves this women very much, and that he is cherishing these moments they have together, as imperfect and I am sure challenging that they might be.

For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others. Till death do they part.

This morning, I found myself crying at the sight of those two, once again slowly ambling along. My heart both breaks for them and is also filled with such a profound joy that they have each other, and that they found each other, against all the odds, in this brief moment of time we call life, on this insignificant green and blue ball spinning at 1040 miles per hour and traveling at 67,000 miles per hour around the sun, off to the edge of the Milky Way galaxy.

Yep, sometimes you still see it. And for me at least, when I do, it reminds me of the bigger picture and what this whole experience is really all about. Love. Loving. Being loved. Loving back. In the end, those are the moments that I imagine will matter the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

Why Humans Aren’t Extinct

12 Thursday Feb 2015

Posted by in Sex and Such

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I saw this quote on another blog and I thought it was both likely the truth and also funny enough I had to share. Ladies, you have been warned!

“If it weren’t for sex, men would have hunted women to extinction centuries ago.”

~ Cautiously Pessimistic

I could speculate about the sex lives of dinosaurs and try to debunk the whole ice age/meteorite theory here, but I think that might distract from the point so I will just keep this one short and sweet!

Let those who have ears hear.

10 Surprising Things Guys Like in a Women

24 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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In the past year or so that I have been lurking about the manosphere reading what men have to say about love, marriage, relationships, and women, I have learned some surprising things, like they wish women would:

1. Be pleasant: That sounds easy, right? But far too many men say it’s is really hard to find. Today, men say it’s far easier to find what they don’t like in a woman: sassy, gossipy, self-absorbed, nagging, bragging, adversarial, independent, argumentative, drama-driven, immodest, and immoral.

2. Ask About What He Likes: Many men say they feel like far too many women seem to think a relationship means everything and anything SHE wants. Guess what? He had feelings, wants, needs, and dreams, too! Ask about them. Then remember and do your best to implement them into your time together. From as small as what’s his favorite cookie? Meal? Drink? Ice cream? To planning a trip to a place he’s always wanted to go, these actions will lead to huge bonus points for you!

3. Be Loyal: Men like it when women have their back in public (even if you politely disagree later in private). Guys also say it’s very appealing to know you won’t run him down to others. And you would think it would go without saying, but lots of men say far too many gals leave them wondering if they could be faithful, or would cheat if they got the chance. Men are very loyal minded. Trust is big.

4. Look Pretty: Men are very visual. And they like when women look pretty. Yep. I am not making this up! Skirts, dresses, flattering jewelry, attractive hair and makeup, and other “girly” touches make a guy visually happy. Not that he doesn’t like “the natural you” but he likes “the feminine flair you,” too. And he notices. Not that it has to be over the top. Think Marianne, not Ginger.

5. Be Supportive: Men say they can’t resist those gals that act like a first mate, not ones who war for the captain’s chair. A relationship is you two against the world, not you two against each other. Yet, men say they aren’t looking for doormats, either. Being supportive of his career, goals, dreams, hobbies, and struggles will pay off for you both. Oh and have your own dreams and goals, too. Men like to hear about and help you achieve those, too.

6. Have Your Finances in Order: Guys say too many women they have met seem to spend every penny they have, and then some. Debt isn’t attractive. And men especially don’t like women who seem to have a get out of debt plan of, “Find Price Charming who will deal with it.” Um yeah, nope. A woman who has financial self-control shows good partner potential.

7. Show Don’t Tell: Women tend to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling much more than men do. A man would rather his gal show him how she feels about him by being affectionate, attentive, and kind than by talking about it for hours on end (while not noticing he’s awkwardly wondering how to escape!)

8. Keep It Simple: Women’s minds are always on the go. We enjoy talking out loud with our gal pals, dissecting our every emotion and experience, pondering all the possible options and outcomes, and breaking it all down. Guys? Not so much. Guys are more bottom line. When you REALLY want to make a point, keep it to 5 words or less.

9. Maintain Respect: It’s been said that if they had to choose between respect and love, they would choose respect. Women usually answer the opposite – love. Obviously both are important. But you will get a lot of “street cred” with a guy by showing him respect, and especially keeping your emotional cool during heated moments. Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking his character.

10. Love Him True: Even some of the most gruff guys in the manosphere show a soft side when they talk about love. Men love with a devotion that few women can fathom, it is so different from our own feeling-based love. They say once a man loves a woman, he makes that choice and then will love her forever after unless she actively takes steps to destroy that bond. (And yes, his heart can hurt badly too, so be gentle with it.)

They don’t really sound all that hard to do, nor are they really anything new, buy guys say these traits are extremely hard to find in a woman, yet highly attractive. Why not adopt these irresistible habits?

Let those who have ears hear. And please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments. Have I left anything out?

Love is a Verb

11 Monday Aug 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?

A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?

As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.

It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.

That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.

One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.

And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?

But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!

But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.

She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.

And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.

Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.

Let those who have ears hear.

Embrace Your Vulnerability

01 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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In pondering the state of affairs between men and women and relationships these days I keep encountering something that I think is missing in many romances today and that’s being open to being vulnerable.

Let’s face it, dating and relating can be scary stuff, filled with the risks and possibility of pain, loss, hurt, and other emotions most of us would rather not encounter.

So we build walls, watch out for red flags, bolt at the first sign of risk, never even try, or hold back our hearts. Books and workshops aimed at women and men advocate all sorts of strategies, tips, and tricks to get the upper hand in love and to mitigate the risk of being the one who ends up with the short end of the love stick.

But the more I ponder it, the more I think these approaches may actually be preventing the very real and deep connections many women and men are truly seeking. The “true” in true love, so to speak.

Opening one’s self up isn’t easy. Showing your soft underbelly, exposing your weakness, and simply being human both make us vulnerable and at the same time open to the vulnerabilities and imperfections in others.

Let’s face it, we may all go around trying to convince the world we’re perfect, but the reality is none of us are. Being real, being open, accepting oneself flaws and all isn’t weakness — in fact I’d argue it takes a huge amount of personal strength, self-love, and confidence to be who you truly are and to reveal that person lurking deep inside, behind the facade and the masks we all wear to protect ourselves and garner social approval.

Sure there are going to be people who the real you doesn’t work for, you may face rejection when you reveal that part of yourself. They may cut and run. But in love especially, isn’t it important that who you truly really are is the very person your partner digs more than anyone?

Not that I am advocating laziness, or being bat-shit crazy, or insisting people love you no matter what. Of course part of being your true self is also striving to be the best version of your true self that you can be. Embracing your vulnerability is not a get-out-of-being-a-good-partner-free card. It’s about accepting responsibility for bringing your best self to the situation, and asking the other person to do so in return. Sure there will be days you don’t, or he doesn’t, but overall there’s more good than bad.

So if what you seek is the real deal, next time the impulse to retreat, cover up, or pretend arises, try pushing through the risk and the pain and just be who you really are. Put it out there. You may end up failing miserably. You may get hurt. You might get judged. You may be rejected.

But then again, you might also find another person who is also dedicated to a life lived authentically, transparently, and vulnerably. Someone who gets we all have good moments and bad moments and that life and love are a journey of all of the above.

When you do find it, there will be no need for walls and pretense and games because they like you for who you truly and really are — the person beyond the combination of cells and proteins and chemical reactions that make up your physical outer self, the part of you that has always been and ever will be, your soul. You.

And when you find someone who sees that part of you and is still all in, that’s the good stuff. That’s where you’ll find the one who will be there through the thick and the thin, the rich and the poor, the sickness and health, the till death do you part. The real happily ever after.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

Picture It

26 Monday May 2014

Posted by in Relationships

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As the saying goes, if you don’t know where you are headed, any road will take you there.

That’s why I am a big fan of clarifying what it is you want in your romantic life to increase the odds you’ll end up reaching your desired destination.

In fact, it was that very thing that led me to the land of the red pill. After a puzzling relationship and break up, I went looking for answers about love, relationships, and what did and didn’t work in hopes that would help me figure out what I was doing wrong so I could for goodness sake start doing it right.

While I can’t say I have arrived at my desired destination, have found my true love ever after, I can say that I have learned a lot in the past year about what I do and don’t want in a romantic relationship and that alone will likely increase the odds of finding it over continuing to be haphazard and hope it all turns out for the best. I’m closer now than I was then.

Now my vision may not be the same as yours or anyone else’s, and to each their own. As I examined my heart I realized I am a pretty traditional gal and so that for me love means marriage and not just to anyone, but to someone I love truly, deeply, and madly who feels likewise about me.

Because my faith is important to me, and I have learned the hard way why one should not be unequally yoked, that’s another perimeter on my list. However, as I am not a radically conservative religious zealot, in this area I seek someone who is seeped in the spirit more in the love thy neighbor as thyself type of way than in a hellfire and brimstone one.

I also believe in traditional gender roles, that love works best that way. So this is another thing I look for in a potential mate: Does he share the vision of a Captain and First Mate scenario? Is he a wise, capable, and just person who will make a good lead? Is he headed in a direction I would want to follow?

I’ve spent many hours over the past year refining this vision of true love and as I date I circle back to it often. It (and prayer) helps center me and to guide my path. While I don’t want to err on the side of having such a long list of requirements or being so picky that I never find someone, I also don’t want to spend too much time dating those who want something other than what I do or who don’t share similar values and goals.

In fact writing this blog and reading a handful of other red pill sites has been another way that I further hone and crystallize that vision as I find that writing and reading about love and relationships helps me get my head wrapped around how to navigate the path less traveled, and how to do it differently than how most of the rest of the people around me are doing it or how I have done it in the past.

I also spend time visualizing what I will do and bring to the love equation, how I will nurture and support my partner, what I will do better and differently thanks to all I have learned. I don’t just envision what I will get out of love, I also envision what I will give to love and to a relationship.

On days of doubt or discouragement, I will visualize finding true love either by listening to music (sometimes posted here), picturing it in my mind, thinking about the couples I know who have found it and have relationships like the one I seek, making a collage or art projects with images surrounding the theme, and other such rainy day exercises.

Not to sound new age, but I do believe that what we set our mind upon is what materializes in our worlds. Thoughts are powerful and they can shape one’s life. So rather than think about all the possible obstacles and things that could go wrong, I work hard to keep my thoughts in the positive: It is out there and I will find it and it will be more than worth the time and effort and energy I am putting in now to make sure that when I do I will be ready to embrace it with my whole heart and give it all I’ve got, come what may, thick and thin, richer and poorer, forever and ever after, amen.

This same visualization approach has never failed me in other areas of my life, in fact it’s many times made the impossible somehow become possible, and usually in ways that are even better than my wildest dreams. Why would it not with love?

So ladies, if you have found love lacking, why not try visualizing your own ideal picture of what you seek and you offer? I think you might find that once you do,  it makes the confusing obstacle course called dating a bit easier to navigate. Once you know where you want to go, which path to take to get there suddenly becomes a lot more clear.

Let those who have ears hear.

Fall Together Instead of Apart

25 Sunday May 2014

Posted by in Relationships, Uncategorized

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Guard your heart ladies, don’t fall for him till the feeling is mutual! Otherwise you may end up falling apart.

(I realize the Dixie Chicks have said some very controversial things, this post does not endorse or deny any of that, I just like the words and the sentiment.)

“If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me”

Was it the pull of the moon now baby
That led you to my door
You say the night’s got you acting crazy
I think it’s something more
I’ve never felt the Earth move honey
Until you shool my tree
Nobody runs from the law now baby
Of love and gravity it pulls you so strong
Baby you gotta hold on

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

We’re hanging right on the edge now baby
The wind is getting stronger
We’re hanging on by a thread now honey
We can’t hold on much longer
It’s a long way down but it’s too late

If I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you give me
You’re going down with me baby heart and all ooh yeah

Ooh baby I couldn’t get any higher
This time I’m willing to dance on the wire
If I fall…If I fall

‘Cause if I fall you’re going down with me
You’re going down with me baby if I fall
You can’t take back every little chill you gave me
Your going down wih me babt heart and all

If I fall…If I fall…Ooo yeah

Let those who have ears hear!