Tag Archives: virginity

The Virginity Curse

26 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Sex and Such

≈ 40 Comments

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I don’t know about you, but back when I was a teenager (in the late 80s, egads!) there was this mentality that to be a virgin was some kind of curse or something, and the social pressure from peers was that virginity was something to be ditched at the first possible opportunity.

If you don’t believe me, just watch the teen movies of that era. In almost every one, there is a character on a quest to lose their virginity like it is some rite of passage.  Characters who are virgins are portrayed as dweebs or squares or horribly uncool.

When I talk to teenagers today, it seems not much has changed. There may be some here and there who are taking virginity pledges and such, but for the most part it seems the attitude that to be a virgin is somehow a bad thing remains. That “experience” is preferable to innocence.

Frequent commenter Artisanal Toad raised an interesting point on his blog recently when he brought up an Old Testament passage that says, to paraphrase, when a girl loses her virginity, in God’s eyes the couple is married for life, unless the father objects to the match. In either case the man is required to pay the father the “bride price” in exchange for the daughter’s virginity.

Think about that for a minute. That would mean every girl reading this who is not a virgin is actually still married to the guy she lost her virginity to! Even if he or she went on to marry someone else! Uh oh, if this is the case, that means there are many awkward conversations to be had! (And yes, this rule seems only to be applied to women losing their virginity, not to men, unless the girl is also a virgin and then they are married.)

I hope he won’t mind my reposting the diagram from his site explaining this rather radical idea under today’s sexual norms, for those who are having trouble following this  here:

marriage-chart

Wow. I don’t know about you, but I find that absolutely mind blowing!

Now I am not sure if this is the case post New Testament, and since I cannot ask God directly about the in’s and out’s of the fine print, I don’t want to split hairs over if this is or is not the case anymore. However if nothing else it does make me wonder, if women today operated under that assumption that whoever they choose to lose their virginity to would be their husband from that point on till death do they part, how would that change things? Would women still be in a rush to “get it over with” as soon as possible? Or would they be a lot, lot, lot more thoughtful about the matter?

In our culture, the current assumption by and large is that partners WON’T be virgins when they marry. Or even when they meet. Sadly, this is largely the case even among church going folks. I do in fact know several couples who are each other’s first and only, and who are still together and going strong, but it’s exceedingly rare anymore.

How sad. I know I will be encouraging my own girls to wait, to value their virginity and innocence, to resist silly peer pressure, and to wait for a man who is ready and willing to commit to her for life, someone who will love her, honor her, cherish, and keep her all the days of her life.

I hope other girls/teens/young women will also rethink this idea of the “virginity curse” and buck the trend. Wouldn’t it be great if our society got to a point where it was “cool” to be a virgin until one was married? That it was considered a special and sacred moment once more?

Because it truly is a rite of passage, which is very likely why the tradition of weddings became such a big deal. That ceremony is supposed to signify this Old Testament idea — that to lose one’s virginity = marriage. Yep! That’s what the white gown and the standing up and the father giving away and the vows and the big party after are all about. Believe it or not!

Obviously we as a society are so far from that, the idea almost seems nutty. But if you ask me, it actually makes a whole lot of sense! And if one is a believer, it’s something to ponder very carefully indeed.  I doubt God’s view of the matter has changed all that much.

In the case a believer has already crossed the line, I am not sure what the solution might be. Except to repent and sin no more. Like the bible also advises, if you can’t be celibate, find someone and get married, and spend the rest of your days happily knocking boot with your chosen life mate! Yep, it’s as simple (and complex) as that!

Let those who have ears hear.

 

Guys Don’t Like Sluts

05 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by in Sex and Such

≈ 74 Comments

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I don’t have much time to write this, so I probably won’t do this topic justice but I will try — short version, guys don’t like sluts.

In a world where people say, “Don’t slut shame” it’s not a message you hear very much, but I have heard many a man say so around the manosphere.

Young women are sold this message that to have sex “like a man” with whoever and whenever you want is “empowering.” What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, right?

But what this theory leaves out is that it’s not as easy for men to find women to have sex with as it is for women to find men to have sex with. All guys aren’t just going out and having casual sex whenever they want. They may wish, but even seasoned players like this guy, who literally makes a living trying to get laid and teaching other guys how to do it too, will admit, even for him, it can be hard to get sex.

The reality is the men women are having sex with aren’t “the average guys.” In the real world, about 20% of guys are getting 80% of the casual sex action. The top guys. The guys all gals want. Even the good looking but average guys, not so much.

Meanwhile even average to below average looking girls can pretty easily find someone to have sex with. He likely won’t want a relationship, or to marry her, but he’ll have a go. Maybe even more than once. Maybe he will even add her to his booty call list. He won’t judge her for sleeping with him. He’ll actually encourage it. It’s in his best interest. But is it in hers?

You see, women make the mistake of *projecting* it’s just as easy for guys to get laid as it is for girls. But it’s not.

And, the guys in the 80% who want to have a girlfriend, a wife, and regular sex who aren’t getting it, they do care if a girl is a slut. In fact, she doesn’t even have to be “a slut.” They care if she’s even semi-promiscuous. They care how many other men she’s slept with. They care if she’s ok with casual sex or one night stands. And if she is they value her less, as a potential serious partner, for doing these things.

There, I said it. I have a feeling it is not a popular thing to say, but I think far too many women don’t realize this, at their own doom. Ladies, I am not telling you what to do with your body, but I am telling you the “nobody cares anymore” thing is a myth.

Why do men care? It’s actually not about a moral judgement, although that’s what kept women from sleeping around in millennia past. It’s biological. Even in a world with birth control, this is ancient programming and not easily overwritten. In the past having sex meant making babies. And if a woman was having sex with multiple men, she was a risk.

See, a women knows 100% that a baby in her belly is hers. A man, especially in the days before over the counter paternity tests, does not. He’s taking a big risk and is putting a lot of faith in the gal to believe that’s HIS baby. This is a hard concept for women to grasp I think, because they would never be in that situation.

But imagine if you went to the hospital and had a baby. And then they just handed you a random baby from the nursery, and said the baby was yours. Sure, you would think the baby was cute, and you would probably love it and care for it, but wouldn’t you really want to take home and raise YOUR baby? Wouldn’t you wonder if it was your baby, and if not where your baby was and how it was doing? So why would a guy not feel the same?

That’s why men don’t like sluts. Or as a male friend put it, “Oh we like sluts, but not for a girlfriend or wife.”

Men value loyalty and fidelity very, very highly. If you want a good man, you should be protecting your asset, which is your self. Women hold the key to sex. Likewise, men hold the key to commitment. This used to be the trade – sex for commitment. But in a world where women are handing out their key, men are withdrawing their side of the deal as well. Fair is fair.

This post may bring on a hail of hate rain, I am talking a big risk calling a spade a spade here, but if you don’t believe me, just ask the guys. They will tell you it’s true. I am only trying to help women understand it, for their own sake, before it’s too late and her only option left is dealing with the fallout.

Let those with ears hear.

How Rites of Passage Help Us Grow Up

14 Friday Nov 2014

Posted by in Gender

≈ 14 Comments

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A post on another manosphere blog brought up the interesting idea that perhaps some of the problems encountered by men (and women) today are a result of not having defined rites of passage that mark the passage of childhood into manhood and womanhood.

As part of the “X” generation, I would have to agree that it’s not uncommon to see women and men in their 30s, 40s, 50s,m and even 60s largely living as they did in their late teens or early 20s. Grown women dressing in their teen daughter’s fashions, so-called “cougar” women prowling nightclubs for no-strings casual sex with men in their 20s, 40-something year old men still living like a college kid, or men buying red sports cars and dating women much younger are just a few examples of adults who seem to be having trouble “growing up.”

For women, rights of passage have largely been biological events tied to her fertility and ability to bear children. When a girl gets her first period, people often say, “she’s a woman now” even if she is only in her early teens. In the past, families might have publicly announced their daughters were “of age” by hosting a debutante or other event to indicate she was available for and seeking marriage.

For men, rites of passage usually include some sort of sequestering with older men in their family or community and physical, mental, and spiritual challenges that once passed, make him a “man.” In American culture, these often brutal (in women’s eyes) rites of passage have mostly been eliminated and many men report there is no moment when they can clearly feel they went from being a boy to being a man. Likewise, with more and more boys being raised by single mothers, many boys today don’t have regular contact with a male role model who can guide them in learning the skills to be a man.

In the message board discussion on men and rites of passage I thought it was interesting that the men insisted only men can teach a boy to be a man. At rites of passage ceremonies, only men are allowed because the activities that take place are so physically or emotionally challenging, women would likely try to intervene. However, these men insisted that for a boy to become a man, passing such tests was the best path to becoming a man.

Today’s youth have few rites of passage. For both men and women, losing one’s virginity is one. For men, killing their first deer or winning a major sporting event, or getting their first job might be the closest they have to male rites of passage. Many teens move out on their own, not really feeling like they are “men” or “women” yet.

A friend who is a therapist once told me that children getting their needs met in childhood and being part of a secure, loving home is the best way parents can prepare their children to move out and face the world fearlessly, expecting good things and success, while those children raised in dysfunctional or broken homes are more likely to feel unequipped and afraid to take this step and to cling to or long for a longer childhood.

Others have speculated that the baby boomer generation was the first American generation to resist growing up. Rather than to progress through the stages of life: child, teen, young wo/man, married adult, parent, empty nester, then grandparent — many boomers wanted to define their own path creating a culture of perpetual adolescence, the first “me” generation.

Perhaps it’s time to bring back rites of passage? And the concept that life does happen in stages, and that people should embrace each as they come and and then prepare to move on to the next stage and embrace that, each in turn, rather than to try to pretend they are in a different life stage than they are.

What do you think?