Tag Archives: working woman

The Lost Job

05 Wednesday Dec 2018

Posted by in Fempire, parenting, Red Pill

≈ 35 Comments

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A meeting with my oldest’s guidance counselor led to an interesting teachable moment afterward.

The meeting was a fairly standard, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” one. Would she go to college? Trade school? Etc.

After the meeting she expressed some valid concerns, including feeling like she wasn’t ready to choose. And to be honest, she is fairly young to make such a decision.

I explained it was just the start of the discussion and that she really has several years to figure it out. There are tests she can take to help her narrow things down by identifying her aptitude’s and interests.

Seeing the opening I dropped in a red pill. “You know when I was your age, there was a really important job option nobody ever talked about.”

”Really?” she asked. “What?”

”The job of taking care of the homefront,” I replied. “Supporting a husband so he could work while the wife took care of all the tasks that help keep life running smoothly like cooking, cleaning, gardening, and childcare.”

I explained when I was her age they told us what a “waste of our potential” staying home and taking care of things would be.

But as she has seen firsthand as the child of a “career mom,” what happens is that stuff either doesn’t get done or gets done on the margins.

I pointed out some people we know who have taken that path, and how well it has worked for themselves and their families. I explained how I often felt I had been sold a half truth, and that had I chosen a different path my life might have been far less stressful, difficult, and overwhelming.

I could tell she liked the idea that maybe she didn’t have to be a career gal like myself. That maybe there was another way.

She said she did want to have an education, and job skills, and to have some work experience, “just in case.” I used her former babysitter as an example of someone who had done just that, and how if her husband ever needed her to take the lead because he was ill or something, she had the education and marketable skills to do so.

It was a really good discussion and one I hope she factors in as she chooses her life path.

Time will tell. But at least she and I are having the discussions I wish someone would have had with me at her age.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

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The Enjoli Girl

17 Thursday May 2018

Posted by in Fempire

≈ 95 Comments

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I may be dating myself, but when I was a young girl there was a perfume commercial with a very catchy jingle that pretty much summed up the times.

It went:

“I can bring home the bacon

Fry it up in a pan

And never, ever let him forget he’s a man

Cause I’m a woman

Enjoli!”

Granted by today’s standards this song symbolizing the liberated modern woman  ideal of that time almost sounds sexist. Were it rewritten today it would likely leave out the frying things up in a pan, or never letting him forget he’s a man, but trust me, at the time it was edgy.

Fast forward to today. Studies show women are more dissatisfied with their lives than they were in generations past, marriage rates at at a 93-year low, depression and other mental health issues are at all time highs, and things haven’t quite panned out the way they were supposed to.

So now what? When do we stop demanding more rights and concessions and change, and start realizing that’s not the answer? Realize that maybe the plan was flawed, and trying to have it all and all at once was actually a set up to fail?

I wish I knew how to fix this big old mess. I think talking about it openly would be a great a start. And admitting what was supposed to be the answer has actually led to other problems, more problems, unforeseen problems.

Trouble is, it’s taboo to talk about such things (feminism a fail?!?! What?!?!), but if we don’t talk about it, how can we understand it? If all the changes over the past forty or so years haven’t led to a better, happier life for women (or men or kids), where do we go from here?

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

 

Embrace Womanhood

30 Thursday Nov 2017

Posted by in Fempire, Red Pill

≈ 78 Comments

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If like me you were raised to fit the feminist mold, you may have been discouraged from acting in ways that were too “traditionally feminine.” I know I was, and to this day I still struggle to put back the pieces of that part of my identity.

I was told that it was better to be strong, independent, and “more like a man” than to act like a woman. How ironic that feminism taught females that being a woman was somehow lesser than being a man!

I was taught that if I acted “too much” like a female I would be oppressed, victimized, harassed, and not taken seriously. And of course I didn’t want that to happen!

So I avoided acting or dressing “too feminine,” opting for loose-fitting or androgynous clothing instead. I did wear make up and style my hair modestly, but was careful not to try to look “too pretty” so that it didn’t overshadow or detract from my intelligence or personality. In fact I very much downplayed my looks.

I took shop class instead of home economics. I avoided learning “traditional feminine skills.” I was told by teachers to avoid typing class, for instance, because if I knew how to type, I would always be, “just a secretary.” I did all sorts of things trying to learn how to win in a “man’s world” and shedding my womanly nature somehow seemed to be key in that.

A movie that I remember from childhood that captures the zeitgeist of that time was “Nine to Five.” I forget the entire plot line but in it three female characters struggle to be taken seriously in the work world. All are taken advantage of in one way or another by their male boss, but perhaps most of all was Dolly Parton’s character, the feminine, big busted, big hearted blonde who was regulated to secretarial roles where she was mostly lustfully eyeballed by her male collegues and anything she had to add or contribute was automatically dismissed because of how she looked.

Of course I didn’t want to end up like that!

Fast forward several decades and I have now come to realize that these beliefs, perhaps however well intended, ended up causing me to view the world as a dangerous, sexist place, where I would never truly be taken seriously, would have to fight for everything twice as hard as a man, would likely be taken advantage of, and treated unfairly. And why wouldn’t I believe it? Everyone told me it was so!

What a negative and suspicious lens to view the world through! I imagined boogymen who didn’t exist, barriers that weren’t there, often misread situations. In retrospect, thinking that all men were out to thwart me, or worse harm me, was a really bad space to approach life from.

So I have been working hard since realizing all this to embrace womanhood. To be ok with being born an XX. To not view it as a negative, or some kind of lifelong handicap.

And just when I think I have overcome, made peace with it all, something will happen or a situation will arise and I will realize just how deeply embedded that programming is. It still is lurking there, urging me to not be OK with who I am. Whispering that if I dare, I will pay, and that bad things will happen, opportunities will be missed.

I hope young women today aren’t being raised to reject themselves as I was, a child in the 70s and 80s. Because there’s nothing wrong with being female. With being a woman. With being feminine.

And anyone who is telling girls or women that is the actual sexist, the true woman hater, the real misogynist.

I hope that someday I can truly embrace all this to the core of my soul. In the meantime I do my best to remind myself daily and often that there’s nothing wrong with me just being me, no matter what anyone says.  I am equal, and I always have been.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

(p.s. In a similar way, men of my generation and since were raised that being a male or masculine was somehow “wrong,” too. Ironic, isn’t it? While women were being raised to be “more like boys” boys were being raised to be “more like girls.” How nutty is that?!?!?)

 

 

 

Can Women Have It All?

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Fempire

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This highly recommended post by another blogger on the concept of having it all got me thinking about how women in particular have been sold the “have it all” message over the past few decades.

You know the one — today’s woman can get a great education, have a interesting and fulfilling career, have an amazing relationship, raise a family, have a magazine worthy home and garden, be beautiful, make time for all her hobbies and interests, travel the world, live her dreams, and reach for the stars?

And the truth is a woman today can have (within reason) any of those things. Women today have more options than ever before. But something I have almost never hear anyone say is a woman can’t have ALL of those things at the same time. And that it’s OK, even sanity itself, not to try to.

Yep, that’s right. The problem might be that life is a smorgasbord of abundance. There’s too many good things to have and not enough room or time or resources  to have them all. Or at least not on a quality level, although many women are burning themselves out trying. That’s the good news and the bad news, at the same time.

For example, I have three dear friends who put their time and energies into their educations and careers during their 20s and 30s. They all have Master’s degrees from top schools, and all have had successful and interesting careers, all hold high level positions for companies that are household names.

At the age of 38 or so, all decided it was “time to have kids.” Unfortunately, although each of these women were ready to be excellent mothers, and they all had met and married awesome men ready to be fathers, none of them were able to get pregnant even with the aid of all the infertility treatments science had to offer.

For each, it was a crushing blow. Used to being in control of their worlds, they assumed that like scheduling their week or a project, when they decided they were ready to have a baby, it would happen. The idea that there might be a cost of delaying pregnancy until they were ready versus having a baby when their bodies were most biologically ready — and that the cost might be not being able to get pregnant — had never seriously entered their minds. And with all of the celebrities having babies at 40 and even 50 years old, at 38 none of them had even considered that they might be starting too late.

One, now 53, gave up her career and is now a stay-at-home mom with two adopted children. One, now 45, has made peace with not having kids and puts her energy and time into helping other people’s children through her career. The third, now 39, is gearing down her career while still undergoing infertility treatment, and my fingers are crossed for her.

Now there is no way to know if they would have struggled just as much to get pregnant earlier in life, and I am in no way trying to imply that it was some kind of karmic retribution for choosing to get and education and pursue a career. It’s simply that Americans, and especially American women, have been led to believe that having it all, all at once, and on demand, is possible — when often it’s not. And this pretty little lie leads to much unnecessary strife and unhappiness.

The same could be said for a woman choosing to marry and start a family very young. What are the chances of her also pursuing higher education, establishing a successful career, and having time for all her hobbies and interests without her (and her family) paying that price in some way their time and quality of relationships?

The dirty little secret is the grass just looks greener. The young mother at home with the kids may envy her friends who have an exciting career, just as her friend who has a career but can’t have a child may envy the young stay-at-home mother. The woman who has children and a career may envy both those who have more time for their career because they don’t have children and the woman who has more time for her children because she doesn’t have a career.

When you think about it, every decision from as small as how to spend an hour to as big as if and when to try to have a baby, means a trade off in some other way.

And it’s not just women who face this. Men, too, have to and have always had to make choices between career, time with family, hobbies and interests, etc. It’s an illusion that men have somehow had the golden ticket in life, and that they were having it at the expense of women. Nobody has the golden ticket. There is no golden ticket. Everyone only has so many options, no matter their sex, age, income level, education, or other factors.

Ironically there is a solution to this situation, and again it involves realizing it’s a choice. But rather than choosing to want and try to have it all, ironically it means choosing NOT to. It is in choosing to give up some things in order to have other things that are more important and making peace with making those choices and trade offs that an abundant quality life lies. And also to accept that in everything there is a season, and having one thing might mean waiting to — or even never having — another. And not just realizing this, but being truly OK with it.

I personally struggle with this concept. I constantly beat myself up internally for not doing and being it all, for not somehow squeezing 48 hours of stuff into a 24 hour window. And trust me, I have tried. Pretty much daily. For years. That trying has come at great personal cost to myself, and others.

Nor if I am honest can I say I have been able to enjoy “having” it all, even as I was (and still am) furiously, frantically, and barely juggling it. I now realize that although there is always room for self-improvement, it wasn’t because I’m not trying hard enough or wanting it bad enough, it’s because I was and still am trying to do and have too much at once!

So in the spirit of resolutions and all of that, in 2015 I am going to make time for what’s most important and make peace with giving up some of what’s really not, without feeling like that trade off is some kind of failure. If you also struggle with this concept, I hope you will join me.

Sometimes less really is more. And sometimes more is actually less.

Let those who have ears hear.