The Secret to Success

I recently picked up the book, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” at a secondhand shop after hearing about it for years. I have only read two chapters so far but it’s packed with simple but really profound insight. And while it’s not a relationship book, it certainly could be.

According to the author success comes not from luck or chance, but from doing, acting, and being those things that lead to success. And equally important, not doing things that don’t.

Want a successful relationship? Then you must not simply want it, but BE it. Be someone who takes the steps and acts in ways that lead to a successful relationship.

While it sounds simple, how many people today truly do this?

Further he says while society today often looks to outside sources or to others to “grant” success, it’s really only something that comes from within. YOU have to take the small but steady daily steps to develop success creating behaviors then make them consistent habits. Not your spouse (although ideally they do so too), not society, but YOU.

Are you consistently being, doing, and acting in ways that create relationship success? If not, you’ll never get there.

The same applies to all kinds of situations, from health to parenting to work to goals. To get the outcome you desire, make sure you are behaving in a way that will get you there, not just wishing, wanting, and hoping it will somehow happen.

I know I have identified ways I can up my game. Join me! 🙂

 

 

 

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Cheating Down

Yesterday a friend told me about her late 20s son with a baby and a cheating wife. The news initially came thru his sister, who is fit to be tied.

They all apparently know each other from high school but no longer all live in the same town. This leads me to suspect social media monkeying is to blame.

Anyway the sister could not understand why the SIL choose the fella she did as apparently he’s got little to nothing to offer. She’s “cheating down” so to speak.

Dancer observed people almost always cheat down. She chalked it up to cheaters being low down themselves and water seeking its own level.

But I wonder if she wasn’t in Alpha fux mode, and sees her hubby as beta bux? Even though her hubby is the classic tall blue eyed blond who may as well be named Chad. (She’s a pretty brunette w blue eyes, but he’s the better looking of the two.)

Apparently the wife came home at 3am (???) shortly after the affair was revealed to say she now wants to work on the marriage. I wonder if her boyfriend made it clear that he’s not the marrying type and/or had no interest in things going any further than f’ing?

Ladies, I don’t know of a single case like this where the woman ended up better off or with even anywhere near what she had before cheating.

My advice? Don’t do it. Beware social media. If you start to feel attraction to someone besides your spouse, terminate all contact with that person immediately. Don’t put yourself in temptation’s way. Pray.

Cheating never goes well. If the marriage survives it’s never the same. If it doesn’t and the cheaters get together they never trust each other. Often the cheaters don’t last past the marriage break up. Those are just three possible outcomes, all losing ones.

Cheating. Just don’t let the hamster take you there.

Another Casualty

Recently, a piece of vital equipment I depend on broke.

Long story short, I finally located the broken part’s replacement but waited for several weeks for help installing it. My usual handy helpers were all maxed out. So Dancer pulled some strings, and a friend of a friend said he could come do the install.

He seems a really good guy, and he got the job done quickly, happily, and for a really fair price. As he wrapped up, he made it clear he’d be happy to have more work, and astutely but politely pointed out several things he could do, things already on my overdue list. Things quite frankly I have been fretting about or dreading somehow doing myself.

As we talked I realized this solid guy just got frivorced, going from a 3,500 square foot house on five acres he and his ex owned for 15 years to now living in a fifth wheel on someone elses’s property.

I didn’t ask about his story. I didn’t have to because I already know. It’s the same story so many men in his situation share every day in the manosphere.

Just like that. Everything gone. Right when he should be looking forward to retiring in 10 years.

He seems like a good man. He’s obviously handy and hard working. I could tell from his well organized tools and tidy vehicle that he wasn’t just some no good slacker.

I didn’t pry but suspect he’s another casualty of the frivorce culture.    Some “unhaaaapy” mid-life gal tossed out this good man thinking she could do better. Or would be better off.

I wondered how things were going for her now. How many broken down things no longer “fixing themselves” she was now surrounded by.  While the handy and happy to be so guy she kicked to the curb was ironically being paid by other women to fix stuff as he simply struggles to make sense of the senselessness his life has become. Shell shocked.

After he left I felt incredibly sad. It’s not right, how men are treated today. It’s really really not right.

Let those with ears hear.

It’s Not About You

One of the early lessons I learned from the manosphere was about solipsism, and how the female mind just naturally views things personally.

I was repeatedly reminded during some of the more raw red pill discussions that, “It isn’t about you.”  And it really wasn’t, I eventually realized.

But at first it was hard for me to not take general discussions personally or to simply open my mind to what was being discussed rather than viewing it thru my own personal experience.

One time in particular the discussion about how single moms were perceived in the dating and marriage marketplace. I took all that really personally, and fought tooth and nail trying to defend single moms and myself in particular. I wasn’t listening, although in time I came to realize that while I didn’t like the idea, either as a child of a widowed mom or as a then single mom myself, that it really is true that dating or remarrying is different for a woman with children than without. It simply is.

Once I got past the personal, I was able to objectively take that information and implement strategies and behaviors that helped me put myself into the shoes of a potential mate, and then navigate my approach to the dating and marriage market differently than most single moms.

That is just one example of many. And even to this day I have to consciously step back and view heated or sensitive discussions from an almost third person perspective rather than from my own.

Even as I write this, I notice how often I am using the words, “I, me, mine…” See how easy it is?

Being able to put oneself aside and to really seek to understand first rather than be understood is a very good and valuable skill to develop.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Looks Matter

I know women have been told for decades that looks don’t matter, or that caring about looking good is shallow and playing into the patriarchal system, but while a lot of women wish it were true, the red pill reality is it isn’t.

Now that’s not to say looks are ALL that matters, but initially they matter a lot. Not only in romance but also at work and play.

Humans just are visual creatures and there’s a reason for the expression, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

The good news is female appearance is highly controllable. With attention to make up, hair, clothing, and weight any woman can improve upon her natural strengths and sometimes very signicantly so.

Now, a word on weight in a “don’t fat shame” or “big is beautiful” world, again the reality is women (and men!) look best at their ideal body weight. Even 20 pounds can make a big difference in attractiveness, and more than that significantly so.

Also, these things don’t go away over time, so once a gal is in a relationship it’s no time to slack off. Not that you can’t have the occasional bad day but too many women I know stop caring altogether, then wonder why their guy isn’t as attentive as he used to be.

Losing weight isn’t easy, and should be done healthfully,  but it is possible. And it’s one of the most effective areas to focus on to improve your attractiveness if you aren’t at your ideal weight already.

I agree, judging someone by their looks alone is shallow. And I have known some very attractive people who were terribly ugly inside. But in general, looks matter.

Of course after the initial impression, other things like attitude, personality, and integrity also matter, so focusing on the whole is important, too.

For years I bought into the “you won’t be taken seriously if you are good looking” myth and actually downplayed my appearance thinking that way I would put my intelligence and personality first. Once I realized it was actually fun to look good and that I felt better when I did, I started enjoying the challenge rather than begrudging it.

Not that I am perfect by any means, or that I to this day am one of those gals who is flawlessly put together at all times, but it’s on my radar and it should be on yours too if you want to experience positive improvement in many areas of your life.

Interestingly it’s usually other women who bash attractive gals, or claim looks don’t matter, not men. Why is that? Maybe it’s because other women secretly know looks matter too, and they hope to get an edge by getting others to not?

Anyway, just for fun try it. Spend a week making sure you look your best and see how people in your daily life respond.

There’s rwally no downside (except maybe the occasional catty  glare) and chances are sound so will pay off in lots of good and unexpected ways.

Don’t Put Off Marriage

Here’s an excellent blog post that really explains, from a guy’s point of view, why the common advice to young women to put off marriage is really bad advice.

As too many women find out too late, when you decide at 30 or 35 to get serious about getting serious, you’ve missed the window by a decade or more.

Few men ever love again the way they loved their first love. I wish more girls were taught this.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

A Tinderella Tale

This article on dating in the culture of the hookup pretty much captures examples of all the poor choices young women today should avoid.

Such dating apps may seem fun and harmless at first, not to mention there’s the validation and attention. But in the end it is hollow and empty.

Don’t be a Tinderella, would be my advice. Don’t even go there. I can’t imagine a quicker way someone could mess up their own head.

I also can’t imagine any good coming of any of the people in this story, only a future filled with empty brokenness, increasingly so with time.

Sad. Just don’t!

Mommy Dearest

A new book outlining the importance of mothers in the first few years of life has been receiving a lot of flack because it doesn’t back up the path many mothers are taking today.

The researcher didn’t intend to cause an uproar with her work, she simply wanted to help parents provide the optimal conditions for early childhood development. What she found was that the role of a mother from birth to age three is far more critical than modern women have been led to believe.

Simply put, the researcher found a mother’s care and nurturing serves as an external emotional support system for the child. Babies and young children, she found, depend far more on mothers to help them develop the cognitive ability to cope with the stressors in life and to learn to self regulate their emotions, than anything else.

In short, babies learn these skills from the outside in, with the constant reassuring presence of a mother literally serving as a neurological system by proxy. Short of a stable, emotionally solid mother (the author did admit not all women are suited for the task) the researcher recommended a single constant caregiver during the early years, preferably a female relative.

Interestingly, she found the worst possible environment for  early childhood development was a group daycare setting. Studies showed babies and young children in such an environment were not learning these critical skills while at the same time their blood cortisol levels indicated they were also under great duress caused by the coming and going of multiple caregivers and an overly stimulating environment.

These findings indicated the increase in the emotional and social issues children experience today (poor emotional control, lack of empathy, aggression, social issues, personality disorders, and perhaps even some form of autism) could be caused by mothers going back to work after only a few months rather than after a few years.

Additionally, once those formative years passed, the window for developing these critical developmental skills closed, leading to a lifelong impact, both for the individual and also for society.

Fathers also provide young children with equally important but different skills, the researcher found, such as helping boys learn to regulate and channel aggression in a productive way, as well as helping girls develop a solid sense of self.

Where mom soothes a boo-boo, she said, dads help kids brush it off and get back in the game. Both parents are key, but according to the researcher as far as the day to day care, at least in the first few years, a mother’s presence was far more developmentally critical, while dad’s role dovetails in and grows larger and larger as the child moves from infant hood to toddler to child.

When presenting the premise of her book to a millennial, the author was shocked to get an almost violently angry response and was accused of trying to set women back 50 years. The author was surprised at the reaction, as she never intended her research to be politically charged.

But needless to say, it unintentionally flies in the face of the current narrative that moms and dads are interchangeable, and that any caregiver will do.

Her research does not surprise me, and it is something I just intuitively sensed with my own children. A good friend who is also a therapist advised me, when I asked what makes children grow up to be happy, healthy, functional adults to, “Baby your babies when they are babies. Don’t let them cry it out too young. Attend to their needs. Put them first. Because if you don’t, nothing will ever be enough when they are older.”

I can understand this research may not be what modern women want to hear, but that doesn’t make it any less true. The author recommended women who desire children should take an attitude that they can have it all, career and motherhood, but not all at once.  Those initial years spent working towards helping baby develop cognitively and emotionally will pay off far more than currently believed — in fact, for a child’s entire lifetime.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

The Three Date Rule

Soon after finding the manosphere I was horrified to learn of the “three date rule.” In short, if a gal wasn’t sleeping with a guy by or before date three, it meant she wasn’t sufficiently attracted to him and he should “next” her.

Now I get the reasoning, and also that many a gal doesn’t even wait until date three to drop the knickers, but I found myself uncomfortable with this whole concept. How could I navigate the dating scene without racking up my N count?

Luckily, the manospherians helped me navigate the waters. They said first, never go on more than one date with a guy you were SURE you weren’t into. And if you couldn’t decide before date three, that may be a sign it’s not a match, too. And it’s true, leading guys on who you have already decided you aren’t into isn’t fair or nice. Don’t dilly dally or friend zone someone leaving them with hopes it will someday be “more” if it won’t.

See, it’s not so much that these guys think you OWE them sex for the dates, but they just don’t want to get strung along only to hear months down the line, “Gosh, I just don’t think of you in that way.” Fair enough.

However, if I was into a guy but didn’t want to jump in the sack at the end of date three, the solution they said was to be demonstrating value at every opportunity, making it clear in other ways that I was interested (like baking him cookies!), while clearly stating that I was not comfortable with casual sex, and to say demurely, “Not yet,” rather than “No.”

So I did. And it mostly worked. Yes, sometimes I didn’t make it past date three, or even one, but on the other hand I kind saw it as a way to screen out being played. Not that he had to put a ring on it by date three either, but at least by then we both should have a sense if there was a “there-there.”

In my mind sex is way too intimate of a thing to be engaging in with practical strangers. And in my mind, three times in someone’s presence makes them a practical stranger. But then again, I am the kind of person who knows lots of people but can count on one hand those I would truly consider friends.

Ladies, like myself, you may be reacting pretty strongly to this three date rule idea, as I did at first. But after hearing it from a guys point of view, and really putting myself in their shoes, I get it. They don’t want to be played either. Who does?

Dating used to be about courtship. People were looking for a spouse, not for a hook up. Well, while that world sounds charming, let’s just admit it’s not been seen in most circles for a long time now. Which is too bad. The courtship model has a lot of advantages. Sadly in the name of progress, it was discarded as “old fashioned” and replaced with this new way.

Modern dating, if people even call it dating anymore, occurs in jaded and cynical waters. I am not a big fan of these new rules, but I understand Pandora is out of the box, and so each one has to make the best of it.

My advice? Bake cookies for guys you are interested in “something more” with, rather than rack up your N count hoping to get another date. It’s not a perfect system, but then again neither is the alternative.

Let those with ears hear.

Bimbo is a Bad Word

I am not sure exactly when or how it happened, but many women today are acting much like bimbos.

Thing is being a bimbo is a bad thing to be, or it used to be widely understood as such.

Bimbos go for loser guys who break their hearts. They dress and act in ways that draw the wrong sort of attention. Bimbos are unfaithful. Bimbos can’t control themselves or their emotions. Their choices and actions eventually lead to poverty, misery, and aloneness. Bimbos make bad choices time and again but don’t seem to learn from their mistakes.

Don’t kid yourself, being a bimbo is not the new black. It’s no better than it ever was, and it’s not working any better than it ever did.

How did the women’s movement lead to more bimbos and less women of character? Ironic, isn’t it?