Nice Guy Syndrome

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A commenter suggested a really good resource that explains the concept of Nice Guy Syndrome and explains why in the SMP and MMP, nice guys finish last.

Please visit the link above for the whole scoop, but in short (from the website):

“Who is a Nice Guy?

  • He is the relative who lets his wife run the show.
  • He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.
  • He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved.
  • He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.
  • He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn’t want to rock the boat.
  • He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him.
  • He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

Characteristics of Nice Guys

  • Nice guys seek the approval of others.
  • Nice guys try to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
  • Nice guys put other people’s needs and wants before their own.
  • Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim.
  • Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy.
  • Nice guys co-create relationships that are less than satisfying.
  • Nice guys create situations in which they do not have very much good sex.
  • Nice guys frequently fail to live up to their full potential.”

 

I think this information could help a lot of guys who have been taught, “Be nice and the girls will like you,” only to find out it does not work that way. Rather than the usual PUA advice, I think this route may work better for guys who don’t want to become a cad, but could use some tips for breaking free of being, “too nice.”

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

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Update

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Hello again! Its been awhile. Lots and nothing much has happened in the past few months. Still watching the world and looking at things from a red pill perspective, as always.

I have an update on my college friend. Somewhat of a red pill awakening.

As I said back in a previous post, he was in a bad situation, and struggling. To say he was blue pill was putting it mildly. He was the draft horse described in many a manosphere post.

After we had a few red pill conversations and I sent him some of the links many of you kindly shared, I didn’t hear much from him for awhile.

Then one day he reached out, saying he was the frog in the pot of water and the water was just too hot.

He had said once before, after we chatted about not much of anything, that he decided to put the gun away. It was only then that I realized his telling me he felt suicide was the only way out were not exaggerated. He’d literally been sitting there with his gun in the dark. Thank God he reached out, and I happened to be awake. I told him I hoped he’d always put it down and reach out.

Something about his tone this day too was very alarming. It was like he was trying to explain it was all too much, and that he coukdnt take anymore, and he was saying goodbye. Then…nothing.

I panicked, thinking the worst.

I immediately asked my guy what to do? Wait and see or call 911? I didn’t even remember where my froend lived exactly, having only been to his house once back in college. Luckily my guy’s mad research skills soon had the address.

Still no reply from my friend. So I called 911.

The operator took down the info but I was not sure how urgent they took the call. They’d have someone call, she said.

I was supposed to open my biz in less than 15 minutes, but my gut would not be quiet. I am not sure why, but I called my ex.

“I’ll meet you there,” he said without a moment’s hesitation.  Even all those years later he knew exactly where the house was.

He got there before me and knocked but no answer. Finally a woman peeked her head out and quickly shut the door again.

Just after he updated me, the officer called. He was naturally skeptical and I was more than a little glad that he wasn’t going to just take some random gal’s word for it. But after I told him of the situation, and the gun thing before, and said I was on my way there, he said they would go check and to please not approach but let them handle it.

I was beyond relieved to see my friend standing in his driveway talking to two police officers when I arrived, instead of an ambulance.

As I sat waiting, I hoped and prayed I had not overreacted and just ruined his life.

Apparently he agreed to leave with the officers, and as he walked down the driveway he spotted me. I hopped out of the car and he came rushing over to hug me.

I said I was sorry if I caused any trouble and please don’t be mad at me, but I wanted to be sure he was OK. He said he wasn’t mad and thought I did the right thing.

Then he turned around and saw my ex, who had arrived on his Harley. I think he was even happier to see him than me and he rushed to hug him, too. He told us both he wanted to go with the officers, and my ex said he thought that was a good idea and he’d be in touch.

After they pulled away my ex asked me to join him for a bite to eat and talk. I caught him up to speed on what I knew so far, and he agreed better for our friend to divorce than kill himself.

“Divorce sucks but it isn’t the end of the world,” he said. (Surreal!)

He kept his word and followed up, agreeing with me our friend needed men to help him, not a woman, and that I had done as much as I could.

The next weekend they both showed up in their leathers on Harleys. Looking like a happy and motley crew.

Our friend has gotten help for his depression and is on an experimental but new treatment protocol that seems to be working. He’s also seeing a therapist who he said he likes very much. And is hanging out with my ex.

About two weeks ago he texted me out of the blue, “I’m getting a divorce.” He finally told her he couldn’t do it anymore. Done.

As I have always said here, if people can avoid divorce and make their marriage work, I believe they should. But sometimes, they shouldn’t. I think he’s wise to take a break and focus on finding himself. Who knows, maybe in time they will work it out.

I heard from him again yesterday and he was happy to share all he’s been doing. He sounded hopeful. It’s not perfect but it’s a lot better. And he’s not thinking of hurting himself anymore as an answer.

Anyway to be continued, but so far so good!

Its a red pill world folks, and we’ve got to look out for each other.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Be Solution Oriented

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It’s easy to point out what’s wrong. Anyone can do that. Push beyond…

Be solution oriented.  Figure out how to fix what’s wrong, or if it can’t be fixed how to live with it.

This will put you in the top 20%. And help you fix or accept things. And help others fix or accept things.

Be the solution, not part of (pointing out or part of) the problem.

80% of people can point out (or are part of) the problems already and while they may (or may not) mean well, it’s not solving anything.

Solve it or accept it is what it is. Pointing it out without any solution just frustrates everyone.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

AWALT: A Cautionary Tale

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(And So my college friend from a few posts back is in for an interesting day tomorrow.

He updated me today that the friend of a friend who was looking to branch swing  (being blue pill this was news to him) that he was sexting on Faceboook but stopped talking to and who he hasn’t responded to for months has friended his wife on FB and is going to have his wife (who does waxing) wax her who-ha tomorrow.

Um, yeah… how cray is that?

He says he DGAF. But knowing the guilt ridden blue pill churchman guy he is, I wonder. I hope if it all melts down he is true to himself. If he is, it may be for the first time in his life.

I did warn him the FB gal has a motive here, and that’s to blow up his life so she can use him as a resource. His wife (who also sounds more cluster B by the moment— she tried to run him over w a car and regularly physically and emotionally abuses him, sadly — I 100% believe his actions are not the way out btw — but I can also see why he would be wide open to this other gal working him) also doesn’t want to lose her resource (He is a union craftsman making $70+ per hour 40 hrs. a week guaranteed whether he works or not, plus bennies and retirement. Who-ha waxing don’t pay that!)

[OT: Plug for young men to consider a union trade — I hear the halls are empty and have jobs unfilled! They will train!]

Anyway, I did implore him to be safe and maybe consider changing the locks and texting his wife he’s done, send someone for her things. Shits hit the fan, go w it. He said that was his thinking, already.

If he’s going to be the villain anyway, may as well go all in. Go big or go home, right? The people who matter will understand and the people that don’t will no longer be part of his life.

They have no kids. But the do have a dog, that she got for him shortly after she tried to run him over w her car. He said maybe they could share custody of the dog. I was like, “AYFKM?!?!” Fuck her. It’s his dog.

Maybe he is a jerk, maybe not. Maybe I am a jerk, maybe not. But being physically abused is a no in my book. Tried to run you over w a car? Ummm, yeah should have filed charges and a restraining order and then for divorce when that perfect out presented itself — but I understand abuse victims (and yes they can be and are male) don’t always see the forest for the trees they are mired in.

Anyway AWALT. Cautionary tale. No woman sextes a guy (married or not) wo expecting something. Much less gives it up in person. She may say no strings but trust me, the strings are there. Always.

Women trade sex for resources. Like it or not. Admit it or not. It’s as old as time. AWALT.

Any woman would be stupid not to, IMHO. Controversial? Yes. Bad advice woman to woman? No. (Not that I am advocating this level of frat but it’s a shit test and a mighty one.)

Red pill men get this — that milk ain’t free. Not even from a professional (but it may be more openly admitted and for a known price… maybe.)

Just know AWALT. Why? Survival. That’s why. It’s baked into the sauce.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

Can You Avoid The Wall?

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There’s a concept in the manosphere called, “the wall.” It’s basically defined as the point where a woman’s youth and beauty (and the powerful sway they had) have peaked and are diminishing.

At what age this happens can vary on a multitude of factors. For some women it happens early in life. (Think the former beauty nobody recognizes at her ten year class reunion.) For others, and less often, it comes late in the game. In some cases it can be a sudden change, in others a gradual slide.

Chances are no women completely avoids the wall (I wonder what Christy Brinkley looks like in person, minus the airbrushing?) but there are factors that can if not avoid it, soften the impact.

1. Genetics

Some people just age more slowly and/or better than others. This is why men often joke before marrying a girl, it’s good to take a long hard look at her mom to see what she may look like in 20+ years.  One can’t do much to change genetics except know the likely issues (tendency toward weight gain, wrinkle prone skin, etc.) and take steps to offset them.

2. Lifestyle

A gal I know who was absolutely stunning at 18 had destroyed her looks and appeal before she was 26 with a lifestyle of heavy drinking, drug use, and a party lifestyle. She seemed to age 5 years for every one. Sadly even after she cleaned up, the damage was done and she remains a shadow of her former self. Tanning, tobacco use, and other age-accelerating lifestyle choices can speed the pace toward the wall, while good habits established early in life can forestall it.

3. Attitude

I know women who are still the center of attention well past “the wall.” Even young men are captivated by them, perhaps not as potential romantic partners but their draw is unmistakable and not solely attributed to their physical appearance. They often share a good attitude — they are charming, man-friendly, bubbly, and seem to shine from within.

4. Character

Another quality such women seem to share is they have character — their identity and worth are not based solely on their physical appearance but on their personality, wit, skills, and integrity. They are much more than a pretty face or nice figure, and have other valued or desirable qualities that aren’t diminished by time and age.

5. Feminimity

Women who lean toward the feminine often weather “the wall” better than those who don’t. Kindness, meekness, gentleness, grace, modesty, goodness, manners, self-control, beauty, charm, and poise are attractive qualities in a woman of any age.  Often men describe such women as, “true ladies.” They are so rare in a crass and base world that they stand out, even when they aren’t trying to.

6. The “It” Factor

Women who remain very appealing long after youth and beauty fade have an elusive “it” factor that is very hard to describe. Men are drawn to them. Men fawn over them. Men seek them out in a crowded room. Men notice them. Men remember them fondly. Men enjoy their company. These are the type of women men just can’t seem to resist, and while there may be an underlying admiration or attraction, it’s not simply or solely sex appeal. Often the connection is completely platonic, almost idealistic. They simply like her and like being around her. Men feel lifted up after interacting with her, as if refreshed and rejuvenated from the weight of the world.   Such a woman brings out his best and highest masculine qualities, makes him want to be a better man, inspires him to build, create, do, and be all he can. When the draw is romantic, fortunes, empires, legends, monuments, and masterpieces have been made or built because of and for such women.

What do you think? Do you know or have you ever met a woman who seems to avoid the wall? Please share in the comments.

(p.s. this article does not mean to deny the wall or even say women who weather it well have the same appeal in middle age and beyond as they did in youth. It’s just something I see now and again, certainly not often, and so I wanted to write about it to encourage women to try and be a woman like that. While some of it is luck, much of it can also be cultivated.)

 

 

 

Is Marriage Done?

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Back in the early 90s, when I was in my early 20s, a friend’s wife, who was from England, surprised me by saying that in England marriage was out of fashion.

She went on to explain in a largely agnostic culture, marriage was viewed as, “just a piece of paper.”

Couples preferred to shack up and just declare themselves together versus getting married. When it didn’t work out, the couple simply split without the need for lawyers and a messy divorce.

At the time I could not imagine how that would work, maybe if there weren’t children involved, but the whole thing seemed very noncommittal to me.

Now 20 years later and I am seeing a similar trend in the United States. I am not sure the reasoning is the same, although living together without marriage is now common and even encouraged.  Here I think it is more driven by girls being told, “Don’t settle down too soon.”

Ironically, the couples I do see marrying are often each other’s only significant partner, high school sweethearts, if you will. They are usually in their early to mid 20s, many report being together nine years or longer.

As I spoke to one such couple a few weeks ago, both exceptionally attractive and he clearly a natural alpha,  I found myself wondering if these would be the only couples of their generation to marry? (Her dad was beaming at the future son-in-law, obviously very happy with his 9+ Supermodel-pretty daughter’s pick.)

First love is strong, especially so for a male. I think the advice to young girls to, “explore” may not be good advice. She may never again find such absolute devotion. Do they tell her that, too?

I suppose we will only truly know in many decades what becomes of these young lovers versus those who wait.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

 

Why People Have Affairs

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Well I am sure none of my regular readers will be surprised by this, but the  college guy friend who reached out that I wrote about in two posts back tried to cross the line into turning our friendly talks into an online affair.

Thanks to the schooling from the red pill guys over the past few years, I knew this was coming.

And also thanks to them, I can understand what he’s feeling and why he would take this route. And I was ready when he did.

”Can I send you a picture?” He asked.

“Of?” I asked.

“I feel kinda silly,” he said.

“If it is inappropriate, don’t send it,” I said.

”Ok, sorry,” he said.

Then I said I understand what he’s feeling, and even what he’s trying to do, because I felt it myself when I was unhappily married. But that an affair was not the solution, facing what he’s avoiding, his bad marriage, is.

I know this may sound funny but a lot of times people have affairs as a way to stay in a bad marriage. I know that may not make sense but it’s true.

The affair distracts them from the problem and makes them feel good short term. But in the long run they end up feeling much worse.  And if the affair is discovered, it is hugely embarrassing and devastating for all involved.

My life is complicated enough, as I always say.  And I don’t want to enable him to continue to avoid his real problem.  And of course, I would never do that to my guy. Nor would I want to do that to his wife. Even if I was single. Nope. Not happening. Not even for the tingles!  (Sorry tingles, you never give good advice!)

He said he’s scared to be alone. I said well I guess it is up to him to decide is it worse to be alone, or to feel so stuck and unhappy he thinks of suicide as a way out.   And I reminded him, there’s the third option that maybe he can like Horseman did go from unhappily married to now very happily married.

I am actually glad he reached out to me so that  I had the chance to say all this. And to try to help him find a real solution.

I sent him the name and number of a male therapist I know who I think can really help him sort out how he got into a marriage he says he never wanted, and then help him decide what now? Not marriage counseling. Personal counseling.

Now not all therapists are alike and so going to one can sometimes make things worse not better, but I know this one well and I know he will give this guy good guidance. Red pill style.

I hope he calls him. He said he would. I guess time will tell.

And hopefully he keeps talking. But just like Hercules, the answer to anything illicit is now and always will be, “Isn’t my life complicated enough?” Yes it is. No need to throw illicit affairs into the mix, thanks, flattered, nothing personal, but that’s a NO.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Choices

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The recent abortion law signed in New York brought up an interesting discussion in our home.

I figured my oldest, now in high school, was old enough to learn about the topic of choice.

I described the law in minimal words and without any hint where I stood or how I felt about it.

As she asked questions, one stood out, “What about when the mother’s life is at risk?”

She was surprised, as was I when I had first read the same, that doctors said in reply to the law there is no medical condition after 25 weeks gestation (the age when a baby can now survive outside the womb with preemie care) that requires a choice between mom or baby. None.

None.

So what is the reason for the law, if not to save the mother’s life?

At that point, we switched topics to a former preschool teacher and her son, whom she and her husband adopted after discovering a medication her own mother took in pregnancy had made her born infertile.

The boy’s birth mom (or biological mom) was a single mom with two kids already. When she found herself facing an unplanned pregnancy, she choose to place the baby for adoption. As part of the open adoption agreement she received an annual letter with highlights of her birth son’s year and photos showing he was happy and well.

He’s in college now, and has had a wonderful life. His adoptive parents love him dearly.  My daughter knows them all personally and has seen what a wonderful family they are.

I didn’t even have to say it, how differently that would have turned out for all involved had the boy’s biological mother chosen differently.

Luckily for all involved his biological mom chose to carry the baby to term and place him for adoption.

She choose to think of others, not what was most convienent for herself. I am sure it was not an easy choice. But for all involved I am certainly glad she made it.

Then I brought up Steve Jobs, creator of her iPhone. Adopted. How different the world would have been, for example, had Steve Jobs not lived? Imagine. No Apple technology. No Apple. Would Bill Gates have been pushed to the heights he was without his nemisis Jobs? Would anyone ever made a computer in their garage without Jobs? Maybe not. Imagine. (And yes I know girls and their smart phones is oft discussed negatively in the manosphere, so I suppose some could argue not everything Jobs created was helpful. Lol. But that’s a different post.)

I hope she remembers this conversation if she herself (God forbid) ever faces an unplanned pregnancy. And if so, I hope she remembers it’s bigger than her.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

It’s a Guy Thing

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A guy friend I have known since college but had lost touch with recently reached out bc he’s going through a mid life crisis of sorts and is struggling with depression.

Why? He’s in an unfulfilling dead-bedroom marriage. Among other things. (He didn’t actually say the dead-bedroom part, but I can read between the lines.) He’s also tiring of pulling the plow. Without reward.

Then he said he feels bad because he’s attracted to other women and feels bad about his thoughts.

I told him Ton stories for a bit to make him feel better. I reassured him his thoughts were no match for Ton’s daily, and that it’s ok. Ton would approve of his efforts to think such thoughts.

Guys look at chicks and if the chicks are hot they probably think about banging them. I reassured him all guys (or most guys anyway, 98%) feel the same. It’s what guys do. It’s normal, even if everybody says it’s not.

He seemed relieved at the idea, completely blue pill and church raised good boy that he is. (Then I dropped the name and number of a guy counselor I know who would be a good person to talk to him about this bc I cannot. I figured Ton was unavailable lol. )

And yes ladies, surprise —  guys who talk to you probably want to bang you. This guy maybe wants to bang me (or his memory of me, lol!) Won’t happen, of course, but if he didn’t want to maybe I would think something were wrong. With me or with him. Because, like it or not that’s how it works. Always has. Always will.

Just like if a woman was not thinking like all women do about men, admit it or not, I would be shocked. (What they are thinking is a topic for a whole other post but it’s basically, “What are you offering in exchange? Is it better than other offers?” Real, or much more likely, imagined?)

Spoiler alert it’s either top-possible provision and protection or top-possible tingles. Ideally both but unicorns are rare so… just like it’s the rare guy who actually gets to (gladly) bang every woman he wants to with them also all being totally super down with that, no strings attached, most women don’t get their 100% list either. Um yeah. Most everyone else (M and F) settles for some version thereof they can live with. Supply and demand. Reality.

In short nobody says it but men and women have competing yet complimentary initiatives. It’s maybe “ugly” and “unacceptable” to some but it is what has built civilizations. Always has. Always will.

In fact without it, civilization probably won’t get built (let’s also face it as long as we are calling out taboos, mostly by men who want to bang chicks in exchange) at all. We are almost here now. Google MTGOW if you don’t believe me. Or Japanese herbivores.

Yep.

I doubt that any of that will be appearing on a “wuv u!!!” greeting card anytime soon so that is why we all have plausible deniability. Because if we all admitted all this, well that would ruin the romance! Wouldn’t it? Lol.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!